She also trained and tutored many other children, including the children themselves and their parents, who all admired and recognized the legendary mother's educational methods.
Her educational philosophy can be roughly divided into the following five points.
The trick is: trust. Trust? Respect respects independence, independent collaboration and cooperation? Kindness is kindness.
1. Trust
Trust your child, big or small, and let him know that you absolutely trust him.
Small things like eating and studying. He likes to eat more rice, but he really doesn't like it, so it doesn't matter whether he eats less or not. Don't make the relationship between parents and children tense every time and break up for a meal.
Not worth it.
Especially many mothers, when you want to do this, tell yourself: in fact, the bite you force your child to eat may not have much energy.
We should believe that the child's body is clear to him and he can decide for himself.
Of course, you can help children adjust their diet, learn more and cook more delicious food to increase their appetite, which is of course better.
It is just not recommended to force and scold children to eat.
At any time, adults should learn to remind themselves to fold their wings properly, don't always want to cover their children, trust them, and give them a chance to know that we believe him, which is wrong, and give them another chance to try.
Only in this way can children get enough training, and they will also increase their self-recognition and affirmation of their own values.
When the author's eldest daughter is in Silicon Valley, tenants often eat things in her refrigerator. When she found out, she asked them what to ask. Young people say it's too late to work overtime, so they pick it up and eat it when they are hungry. They also suggested that they could pay compensation for what they planned to buy and put back during the day.
After she got to know it, she understood that young people work so late and trust enough, so she said forget it. You can use the refrigerator. You can put it in when you buy something, and I'll buy another refrigerator.
Those two young people are Sergey and Larry who founded Google.
There is a section about how children lie and what adults should do. This is so important to me.
What I used to do was: talk to children, speak confidently, and tell him very seriously that lying is wrong and will make people lose trust in you. It's terrible of you to do so. Tell him "the wolf is coming". ....
In short, tell him not to lie. Lying addiction is terrible. No friends, no one to play with, etc.
But the truth is, I find that children sometimes lie, or sometimes they say nothing.
The author's approach is: little liar, she won't criticize the child directly, but call him to her side and tell him seriously that you were caught by me.
When children see this, they will be very nervous, worried about what to do, worried about the teacher's criticism, and then the teacher said, then buy me a biscuit. And hold your hand high, and finally gently fall, in a relaxed and humorous way, which seems to be a punishment, but it is not exaggerated to the point of shock.
If he finds a serious lie, he will talk to the children in BIC way.
Tell the truth first, then talk about the impact of this matter, and then talk about the consequences of this matter.
In this way, children can realize the seriousness of the matter from the conversation, and it is forbidden to mix some personal subjective judgments in the conversation and slander the child's personality.
About this matter, after the conversation, I will tell my children that I still trust you, but I hope you can realize this problem and change it.
There is a sentence in the article: the purpose of punishment is to strengthen trust, not to save it.
2. respect.
Respect children's choice and direction.
Finally, we don't intend to let him go completely, but we can demand him with high standards. On the road of his growth, we should give our suggestions appropriately and give him more good choices.
But we must be only advisers, not decision makers.
The real decision makers are the children themselves.
When the author's third daughter graduated from a famous university, she suddenly wanted to be a nanny. The old mother advised her to go with the flow only after repeated persuasion failed. She naturally has her own ideas and supports her, but she will also help her collect some recruitment information about biotechnology and provide it to her. Finally, one day, her daughter said that she decided to go to new york for an interview, and she gradually became fond of genetic testing.
This is exactly the same as our ordinary parents. If such a thing happened to us, our home would have been bombed.
But the mother is quietly waiting for the flowers to bloom.
Give children enough respect.
Parents should have enough goodwill and care, and their children's enthusiasm can be mobilized.
The author met an irritable and unreasonable child. He often confronted everyone and everyone called him a "dangerous" boy.
But the author often secretly observes him, trying to find out his advantages and preferences, and finally finds out that the child likes shoes and is a shoe expert.
Finally, talk to him, understand his heart and find out the real reason for his "irritability".
Then encourage him and trust him. Finally, with his encouragement, the child was admitted to the university and became an excellent person.
After inspiring enthusiasm, you can discuss with him what a better life is, how to give full play to his talents, how to make him live a more perfect life, and how to show his own strength, generation and vitality. But the motivation of this step is the most important.
The author says that to gain respect, we must first learn to respect others. We also hope to get the respect of our children, but only if we adults take the initiative to become people who respect him. We are more educated people, we are more rational people, and we should take on more responsibilities. This can also teach him that respect is a very important ability This is the second module, respect.
Here is a very useful way to specify the rules for using electronic products.
We talk about how to use scientific and technological supplies, which is everyone's biggest headache. For example, mobile phones will affect children's concentration. On this issue, she said that we can make a "Ten Commandments of Science and Technology" with our children.
Tell them first, what are the problems and hazards of mobile phones. For example, the influence on eyesight, concentration, in-depth discussion and interpersonal relationship. For example, if we eat at the same table and three people look down at their mobile phones, the meal will be boring and will always affect the people around us. The ancients in China said, "A person walking to the corner is full of unhappiness." Sitting alone in the corner, everyone in the room is unhappy.
After telling the children about this negative effect, let's discuss a rule of using mobile phones in our class. Finally, she found that the rules of using mobile phones discussed by the children were much stricter than what she wanted.
First of all, you can make use plans with your children instead of making plans for them.
Second, whether eating at home or with others, don't use your mobile phone when eating.
Third, don't use your mobile phone after sleeping. Brush your mobile phone after sleeping. That blue light will affect your sleep and the people around you, and it will make you more and more excited.
Fourth, set a reasonable range for children to use mobile phones. Let very young children know that mobile phones can be used to call the police and find their parents. But some things can't be seen casually.
Fifth, when a family goes on vacation, they should be allowed to make their own mobile phone usage rules during weekend activities and any social activities with children present. In addition, please make sure that they have formulated penalties for violating the rules.
Sixth, for young children, parental control is very important. But for children over 8 years old, they can learn self-control.
Seventh, if parents want their children to learn how to use technology correctly, they should set an example.
If parents are addicted to mobile phones, it is hard for children to see you always looking down at them. You hope they can be different from you.
Eighth, you can discuss with your children: which photos can be taken and which sounds can be recorded. To let children know that there is cyber violence, some sounds and pictures will bring great harm.
Ninth, you can explain to them what cyber violence is and help them understand the negative effects of cyber violence, including not only the impact on others, but also their own.
Many children make such mistakes because they don't know what not to do. Humor is a feeling that matures very late. If a person really has a mature sense of humor, I'm afraid he won't know which humor is advanced and which humor is actually harmful until he is 25 or 30 years old.
Adolescent children don't know that adolescent children are very happy to see others make a fool of themselves. Do you remember, when we were young, we thought it was too interesting, and then we spread it around. Children don't know whether this thing is interesting, humorous or harmful. They don't have such rules in their minds.
Tenth, finally, tell children not to disclose personal information.
This is the "Ten Commandments" of using science and technology supplies, and it is also a way to help children become independent.
A truly independent child will be more determined. We talked about a book called Perseverance. Perseverance doesn't mean that you have to face difficulties in everything. If a person says that I have the quality of perseverance, then nothing that is difficult for me or painful for me is perseverance. This is the so-called mental illness, and he will regard pain as part of success.
In fact, the real perseverance is to have growth-oriented thinking, but when I encounter difficult problems, I will not feel hurt or frustrated, but will think about what I can learn. You can give up when it is time to give up, but you will think about what you have learned this time-he is always growing.
What is the problem of "helicopter parents"? According to the author's observation for many years, she found that "helicopter parents" can easily cultivate mediocre people.
There are two kinds of perseverance, one is perseverance born for parents, and the other is perseverance born of enthusiasm. What we want to cultivate for our children is perseverance derived from enthusiasm. He likes something and is willing to explore it.
How many children sit there and study until one or two points every night is because of their parents' perseverance. In a short time, you can send him to a good school; It didn't work for a long time. I know many parents will say that it is irresponsible to send it in.
What we want to pursue is the lifelong success of children. I won't go first, I will say that I am responsible for my face: other people's children went to a good university, and my children also went to a good university. Your face is very important, which is why you think so. But what will this child's life be like? This is really the most important thing.
The fourth principle is cooperation. The premise of cooperation is trust, respect and independence.
If you have the first three things, then cooperation will come naturally.
There are two ways of education, one is called cooperative education and the other is called authoritarian education.
To make children become collaborators, we must first change our language style. When you talk to a child, this is not a condescending gesture, a way of thinking that you must be right and he must be wrong, but a way of discussing and respecting the child as an independent thinking object.
Secondly, it is also a very effective entrance to cultivate children's cooperative ability to find opportunities to contribute to the family and society.
Third, organize team sports. Let them participate in various sports team competitions and so on. If you make a mistake, write a reflection. If we make mistakes in cooperation, we can write down what mistakes we have made and how we intend to correct them.
Another principle is that example is better than example. If you really want your children to learn to cooperate, you should learn to reduce anxiety yourself. Anxiety is contagious.
What should you do if you are not an ideal role model for children?
She said: It would be better if you are not an ideal role model for children. You just showed him how mom changed and how dad improved. If mom and dad are always correct role models, there is no chance to demonstrate. You made a mistake, admitted your mistake, and you are willing to improve. This is just an opportunity to show.
Second, pay attention to your behavior and then make up your mind to change. When you can constantly pay attention to your behavior, realize your problems, and then keep changing. Share your goals with your children and tell them what their mother's goals are now and how I intend to change them. You let your children work hard with you and let them help you make progress.
Many of our families are constantly helping their children to make progress, but when it comes to your own problems, just say: I am so old, how can I change? Now hope is all on you. This kind of words especially makes children angry and desperate. On the other hand, if you say that you will help my mother change, I can also make progress and share your goals with him. At this time, you will gradually change from a rotten hand to a good hand who can make progress with your child, and you will never be an ideal role model for your child.
This is to deal with your own problems with flexible ideas, let your children become your collaborators, and let your children learn to cooperate with others. This is the fourth pillar.
Fifth, goodwill. Kindness makes children warm, caring, empathetic and able to understand and care for others.
We should start with courtesy and greetings to our families, cultivate children's good habits, and then cultivate their respect and gratitude for others.
Gratitude can make people happier. Their families will encourage everyone to keep a gratitude diary. When keeping a diary every day, some of them will stay and say who to thank today and what kind of people to thank.
Bullying is a common negative case on campus. Why are there so many incidents in school bullying? As we said before, teenagers don't understand the dividing line between fun and cruelty, and humor can be cultivated very late. We need to let children know that it is very bad to exclude and bully others.
More serious harm than bullying is actually rejection. If a child is isolated in class, the teacher doesn't like the child, which will easily affect other children. How did this teacher do it? In order to ensure that every child has a sense of belonging, every time she brings a new class, she will ask the students in this class to group.
How to group? Write a note by yourself, write down who you want to be with most, and write three names. After writing, the teacher will put all the notes together. There are always some children who didn't write it. What shall we do? The teacher will not let everyone know that these people are not written, but will put them in a group.
In this way, she made every child feel liked and cared about, and they formed a group. Many years later, she received a letter from such a student, saying how much your activities helped us in those years. Because often these children who don't write their names, they all look timid, a little timid, and the clothes they wear are not good-looking, and they are not tall and easy to be rejected.
These children are under the pressure of going to school themselves, and the teachers create opportunities for them to feel that they are liked, cared for and have a group. Therefore, these children wrote to her decades later, saying that your move helped us a lot, made our hearts stronger and made us feel that we had friends and friendship.
If a teacher can not exclude children and, like Esther, have such a small mind to help each child find a sense of belonging, I believe the school will become better. Only in this way can she become the most respected teacher.
Finally, the author said: Dedication is very important. The so-called goodwill, in a big way, is the dedication to the whole society.
This book has many feelings and many places worth learning. In the future, we should review more, learn from Buddhism, be less disciplined, be more caring, stimulate children's internal drive, learn to cooperate with children more, and let them take every step of life with independence and goodwill.