Professor Fielding has always been careless. His wife asked him to throw a bag of garbage by the way to the waste bins outside the building

, but he confusedly carried on the subway, and then to the laboratory, and finally carried back home.

His wife was aghast: "What are you carrying?" Fielding said, "Oops, forgot to throw out the trash

."

The wife took it over and was even more surprised: "Where did you get a package of ham?"

Careless Professor

A professor usually always forgets something, either losing his eyeglass case or his cane. Especially

was the umbrella, for which his wife had to buy one for him almost every month. The professor was secretly determined to be more careful in the future

for this reason. One day, the professor went out in the morning, and came back in the afternoon, proudly said to his wife

saying, "Look, Tau Lok Sai, I didn't lose anything today, I brought back the umbrella!" Saying so, he

showed an umbrella. "Alas, look at you careless man, you didn't bring an umbrella out today!"

Different wording

The cardinal sped off in his car, and a policeman on a motorcycle caught up with him and pulled him over. The bishop asks, "Was my

car going too fast?" Policeman: "No, Your Eminence. Your car is not going too fast, it is

flying too slow."

Hitchhiking

A naval officer is in a public ****car, standing next to the driver, not sitting down, so as not to crease his ironed

straight uniform. A drunken man gets on the bus, walks up to the officer, tugs on his sleeve and

says he wants to buy a ticket. The officer ignored him. But the drunken man persisted, so the officer turned around and said, "Friend

, I'm not a conductor, I'm a naval officer."

"Then," replied the drunkard, "stop the boat, I want to catch a bus**** bus."

Answer

Customer: "Waiter, can you explain what's going on with the fly in my soup?"

The waiter bends down to take a closer look and replies, "It's swimming, sir, it's swimming."

Mistake call

The lights in the movie theater had just gone out when a thief put his hand in Regal's coat pocket and was instantly

spotted by Regal. The thief said, "I was trying to pull out my handkerchief, and I pulled out the wrong one, pardon me!"

"That's all right." Rhaegar replied calmly.

After a while, there was a loud slap on the thief's face.

"Sorry, wrong slap, a mosquito landed on my face." Rhaegar said.

Mosquitoes with lanterns

Two Scottish immigrants who had just arrived in New York spent the night in a hotel, and they were so annoyed by the mosquitoes that they were stirred up

all night long, that the last of them said, "Shanti, cover your head with the quilt, and the mosquitoes won't be able to bite us

." After a while, Centsy stuck his head out to get some fresh air, and that's when he saw the fireflies, which he had never

seen before, and he called out, "God, it's no use to cover our heads, the mosquitoes are looking for us with lanterns

."

Snoring

Just as it was getting dark, Little John's father went to bed, and the thick, obnoxious snoring fried Little John

from doing his homework at all. "Hey! Wake up, wake up!" Little John shook his father

hardly

awake.

"Bah, I was just lying down, what are you yelling about blindly?!" Old John lost his temper. "I see you've been snoring for

two hours and are just too tired to tell you to sit up and get some rest."

Playing Water Polo

A sportsman went to dinner and saw a large plate of soup on the table, with only a single beanstalk in it,

and nothing else. He immediately got up and undressed. When his companion asked him what was the matter, he replied:

"I'm going to take off my clothes, jump into the dish, and play water polo with that beanstalk."

Outlaw 1

A death row inmate asked the criminalist, "What time is it?" The %criminal reprimanded, "What's the point of asking the time when you're dying

!" The prisoner said, "This is a lifelong event for me, and it is very important for me

to remember the time."

Outlaw 2

There was an outlaw listening to the pastor's sermon.

The preacher said, "It is better to have one more friend than one less enemy ......"

"I don't have a single enemy." The thug said.

"Terrific, how come you don't have a single enemy?" "I killed them all!"

The outlaw 3

Stealing children to the church for Mass． The priest asked, "What brings you here? You didn't steal any fire

chicken steaks this week?" "No, not a single one was stolen."

"Did you steal any of the other chickens?" "Neither."

"Great, you're one step closer to God."

Whispering, "If he asks me if I stole the ducks, I'm far from God."

Outlaw 4

A policeman asks a criminal about to be hanged what he wants for breakfast. "That's right, I remember,

My favorite is peaches." The criminal says.

"You know, it's winter, where are the peaches!" The policeman said.

"That's okay, I can wait."

Singular and plural

Teacher: "Nick, do you know singular and plural yet?"

Nick: "Got it."

Teacher: "So tell me, is 'pants' singular or plural?"

Nick: "Singular on top, plural on the bottom."

Worrying

The wife said to her husband, "Every time you go out, I get very worried." "Don't worry,

don't worry, dear," her husband reassured her, "I'll be back anytime." "That's exactly what I'm worried about." Dead

Eggs don't eat

"When a lioness gives birth to her cubs, the cubs have to eat; "When a mother dog gives birth to her puppies, the puppies have to eat;

"......

"That means that whatever the mother gives birth to has to eat."

Little Tom thought and thought and thought, and always tried to find a fellow who was born without eating, but for three

days in a row he could not think of one.

On the fourth day, he did. It was something he had seen with his own eyes, and it was true. He ran to tell his old

teacher, "Teacher, hens lay eggs, and the eggs don't eat!"

Of course

A man had a parrot that only said "of course", so he decided to sell it. "How much do you want for your parrot

?" The buyer asks. "One thousand dollars." The seller replied. "Why is it so expensive?"

"My parrot is smart!" "Parrot, are you smart?" The buyer asked. "Of course."

The buyer then bought the parrot. When he realizes that all the parrot can say is "of course," he says angrily, "Only a fool would pay $1,000 for a parrot like that." "Of course!"

The parrot replied.

Guide Dogs

John was about to cross the street when he saw a blind man, who was leading his guide dog to cross the street as well.

When the light is green, the dog pees on his owner's pants instead of leading him across the street.

But the blind man reaches into his pocket and gives the dog a cookie.

John was surprised and said to the blind man, "If that was my dog, I would have kicked it in the ass

." The blind man replied very calmly, "Yeah, I'd kick it, but I'd have to

find its head first!"

Bad luck

Miss Jenny was coming off her night shift when she saw a man walking towards her with his arms wide open. "Rascal!" Miss Jenny

cursed and kicked the man in the stomach. Only a crash was heard and the man yelled, "Oh my

that! The third piece of glass still didn't make it home!"

Bumping into walls everywhere

A certain gentleman politely asked the lady sitting next to him in the trunk of his car, "Is my having a cigarette here bothering you

?" The lady kindly told him, "No, you're just fine as you are at home." This gentleman immediately put

back his cigarette case, sighed and said, "As usual, you can't smoke!"

New Morals

"Dad, what are morals?"

"What are morals? Wait, how should I explain this? Let's say, for example: someone forgets their wallet with a thousand tu

greeks in it in a store, and I pick it up; do I keep the money all to myself, or do I split it with the sales

clerk? It's called morality."

Hard-earned

The defendant promised his defense attorney, "If you have the skills to make it so that I can go to jail for only six months

, then you'll get an extra one thousand dollar honorarium." The defendant finally got what he wanted.

As the lawyer collected the money, he said, "This is a tricky job, originally the judges wanted an acquittal

release."

Hard won

A man invites a friend to his house for dinner. The friend asks, "Can you be sure your wife knows I'm going to

dinner?"

"Of course I know. I've been arguing with her all afternoon about it!"

Waiting for a cat to catch a mouse

Man: "Ma'am, I accidentally stepped on your cat while I was walking. I'm going to get one for you

here, okay?"

Woman: "You'll have to hurry, there's a mouse in the kitchen right now."

The third possibility

The nurse says to the woman, "Your husband called and asked if you had a son or a daughter?" "Please

ask him if there could be a third possibility?" ......

The telephone

In 1876, Alexander G. Bell's device for transmitting sound through wires was patented

Eight years later, a California farmer went to the telephone office for the first time to try out the new gadget.

He scribbled a few words on a piece of paper, rolled it up, pushed a pencil into the transmitter, and

sat down and waited for an answer. After a long wait with no response, the farmer crumpled the piece of paper into a ball and threw it into the handle again. After waiting

half an hour, the telephone still did not move, the farmer was very disappointed, cursing

walked away. The staff unwrapped the damaged telephone and caries? The piece of paper, which read:

Order a wrench from a store.

Phone call

A man called home from work.

The call is answered by an unknown woman.

The man says, "Who are you?" "I'm the maid here." The woman replies.

"We don't have a maid." "The mistress of this house called me this morning."

"Wow, I'm her husband then. Is she in?" "But ...... she's upstairs in her room with a

man who I thought was her husband doing ...... doing ...... doing something that only couples can do." The man was

very angry to hear this. He said to the maid, "Listen, do you want to make $50, 000 dollars?" "I want you

to go get the gun out of my desk and then shoot those two adulterers!" The maid put the phone

down.

The man heard footsteps followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back and picks up the phone.

"What am I going to do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the pool." "What swimming

pool?" "Huh? ...... Well ...... is this phone 2621-5656

The TV Bug

Ferguson especially likes to watch TV, and when his classmates look for him in their free time, nine times out of ten they see him sitting in front of the TV

Video, so they call him the "TV Bug.

Ferguson's favorite thing is to watch TV, and nine times out of ten his classmates see him sitting in front of the TV set.

Now, when the astronomy teacher announced in class, "I suggest you watch the lunar eclipse tonight.

Ferguson immediately asked, "What channel?"

TV Junkie

Uncle Martin's chattering parrot was sick. Not eating or drinking. Took it to the vet, diagnosed it

but said there was nothing wrong with it. The vet asked Uncle Martin if there had been any major incidents in the house that had annoyed the parrot

. Martin said the only thing that happened was the TV was taken in for repair.

"Get it back quickly," the vet said.

As good as it was, once the TV was back, the parrot's appetite returned.

Store rules

Manager: Remember, the rule in this store is - the customer is always right. Now tell me, what did the gentleman just say?

Clerk: All he said was -Your manager is a big dummy.

Fishing

Patrol: no fishing here, fine 20 Angler: I'm not fishing, I'm teaching worms to

swim.

Patrolman: Really, let me see.

Angler: look.

Patrolman: Swim naked, fine 50.

Switch it up

The future father-in-law said to Pierre: "I agree to marry my daughter to you, and I'll put that 60,000 marks dowry

in the bank for you."

Pir group mourned and said, "You had better give me the sixty thousand marks and keep your daughter in the bank

."

Folding the quilt

Instructor: Kameda, why is it that your quilts are always folded worse than Yamamoto's?

Kameda: Reporting sir, Yamamoto was a tofu maker before he enlisted in the army, while I was a rolled bun maker before I joined the army

.

The bullfighter

A bullfighter was drinking in the countryside and was advised by his friends not to drink too much, but in his attempt to show off, he drank until he couldn't control himself and took a shortcut to the arena, where there was already a bull lying on the field. The bullfighter

immediately lie down on his horns and fight with it violently, and finally the bull fled. Afterwards, the bullfighter said to his friends

that "I did drink a little too much just now, or I would have dragged the kid on the bike down

with me!"

Reading for a cure

A: "Where have you been for the past few years?"

B: "Go to medical school."

A: "Then your disease must be cured."

Gambling

Four gentlemen got together to gamble. Before gambling, they said to John: "Go and see if there are

any policemen outside the door."

John went for ten whole minutes before running in out of breath and saying, "There's no policeman outside the door, so

that's why I've gone to the station to call for one!"

Object

I have come to you to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. The young suitor said.

Have you spoken to my wife? asked the father.

Yes, but I prefer to marry your daughter.

The superfluous

A swimmer crossed the English Channel, and when he landed, many applauding people surrounded

him. A Jew came up to him and asked in disbelief, "Don't you know yet that ships sail here

?"

Much Ado About Nothing

A speeding car was stopped by a police patrol car, and the officer, while making a note, said to the driver;

"You're going to get a citation for a speeding fine because you were just going sixty miles over the speed limit." The driver

immediately said:

"Mr. Officer, could you please write down one hundred miles? Mind you, I'm just about to sell this car

!"

Many years later

She (gently), "Darling, when did you first realize you were in love with me?"

He (angrily): "When people were saying you were stupid and ugly and I started going crazy!"

Malicious slander

A full-bodied woman comes into court and sadly asks the judge:

"If a man goes around saying I'm a hippopotamus, can I sue him for malicious rumor and slander?"

The judge said, "Of course you can, when did he think you were a hippopotamus?"

"Since three years ago, he used to say that to everyone."

"What? Since three years ago? Then why are you just now remembering to press charges?"

"I didn't know what a hippo looked like until I went on a new safari yesterday."

The crocodile's big mouth

The zookeeper stood in front of the crocodile with his bloody mouth open and looked into his mouth

one by one.

A passing tourist asked, "What's wrong with the crocodile?" The janitor said, "It's not clear. It's been half an hour since the doctor went into his

mouth and didn't come out."

Crocodile shoes

Customer: "I want to buy a pair of crocodile shoes."

Clerk: "Yes, ma'am, what size shoe would you like for that alligator?"

The Loving Couple

Once upon a time, there was a king who occupied a city. Before entering the city, he issued an order that all the women in the city

would be spared from death, and that they could leave the city

with their most valuable belongings before dawn tomorrow, and the king would guarantee their safety. At dawn the next day, all the women of the city were carrying

a heavy burden on their backs, and were sweating profusely as they walked out of the city gates. It was their husbands they were carrying.

Common sense for children

The wife of a drama director of Radio Delhi took her child on a trip to the zoo. Suddenly, the child

saw a big, fat cat and asked, "Mom, is this a husband or a wife?"

The director's wife was embarrassed and didn't know how to answer the question. At this point, the child made his own

judgment, "Mom, I know. This cat is the husband!"

"Why?" The mother asked in surprise.

"I twisted it hard just now, but it didn't scream or jump, it just hung its head and didn't say a word

."

Slap to pay the bill

Moloko had a delicious lunch in a restaurant and needed to pay one ruble, but he didn't even have a kopeck

, so he asked the shopkeeper, "Please tell me, how much would someone be fined if he slapped someone else's

slap in the face here, and the lawsuit went to court? "

"Five rubles, I think!"

"All right," said Morrocco, "please slap me on the wrist and find

head for the remaining four rubles!"

Invention

The Italian said to the Jew, "The fact that we have found cables under ancient Rome shows that my

ancestors invented telephonic communication."

Jew: "And do you know what was found in Jerusalem?"

Italian: "What?" Jew: "Nothing was found."

Italian: "Huh?" Jew: "That means our ancestors have invented wire-free

electricity."

The Talmudic Mysteries

"Joan Ynai, you went to law school, can you tell me what the Talmud is

?" Schimmel asked.

"I would like to explain with an example. Schimmel, I would like to pose a question to you: two Jews fell down

a tall chimney, and one of them is covered with soot, while the other is dry

so who should wash his body?

""The one who got dirty, of course!""

"Wrong! That person looked at the one who didn't get his body dirty and thought, 'I must be clean

on my body.' And the man with the average prize on his body sees the man with the dusty body and thinks that he is probably dirty too. So

thus, he takes a bath. -- Now I'm going to ask you a second question: both of them later fall into the

tall chimney once again -- who should bathe?"

"Now I know, the one who averages the prize!"

"Wrong! The man with the average prize takes a bath and realizes that he is not dirty; the man who has soiled his body, on the contrary

, understands why the man with the average prize takes a bath, and so he goes and does the same.

I now put a third question to you: he flash two fell down the chimney for the third time - who would

bathe?"

"Now, the one who bathes is, of course, the one who gets dirty!"

"Wrong again! Have you ever seen the thing where two people fall down the same chimney, and one of them is clean and one

dirty? You see, this is the mystery of the Talmud."

Legal Basis

Beja was read to for calling someone a pig. As a result, the court ruled to fine him seventy rubles.

"This is so unfair!" Beja exclaimed in aggravation, "The last time I called someone a pig, I was only

fined thirty rubles!"

The judge chimed in perkily, "Don't you know that the price of pork has gone up for the early Lord?"

Retort

Klaus staggered out of the hotel drunk. "My God," cried his friend

Solz, who was standing in the doorway, "you've got your hat on your head backwards!" "How is it on backwards?"

Klaus retorted, "You don't even know which way I want to go!"

Against Marriage

An old man fell in love with a beautiful young woman, but the old man did not

want to marry her anyway.

I can't marry you, my dear, he says to her tenderly, father and mother would object.

What! You are already so old, are your parents still alive?

No, no, he corrected, I meant father's timing and mother's nature.

Instead, think of it

"What would you do if you had as much income as the God of Fortune?"

"What would the God of Fortune do if he earned as much as I do?"

Reactions

One day Joe walks into class and all his hair is towering and standing up, the teacher asks what's wrong Joe says:

'It's a reaction to the hairspray.' The next day Joe walks into class and his head is shiny, the teacher asks about

Joe says: 'It's my father's reaction to the hairspray.'

Methods vary

At the product sales meeting, sales were extremely depressing, so the manager reprimanded our sales staff

: 'I've seen and heard enough of your poor workmanship and justifications. If you can't do

this job, someone else will replace you and sell these valuable

products that each of you should be proud of." Then he said to his new hire, a retired soccer player, "What happens if a soccer

team can't win? The players have to be removed from the team, don't they!!!" After a few seconds of silence

, the ex-football player replied, "Actually, sir, if the whole team is in trouble

, we usually just get a new coach.

Sign on the roof

A movie studio built next to an airport had a large sign written on the roof

to avoid the distraction of airplane voices: "Quiet, please!" Each letter was eight feet square.

As a result, the sign brought more noise, as pilots, each wanting to see what was written on the roof of the house

, raced to all fly their planes lower.

Costs

The hotel customer asked the manager, "What's with this fruit money every day? We haven't touched that

fruit." "But there is fruit in your room every day. You can't blame me

for not eating it." "I see," the man said subtracting one hundred and fifty dollars from the bill.

"What are you doing?" The manager called out anxiously.

"I'm subtracting fifty dollars a day as the cost of your kiss to my wife." "What did you say? I did not

kiss your wife." "Ah," the man replied, "but she's there every day ......"

Angry Dog

When the manager of the clothing store returned from lunch, he found the the clerk's hand wrapped in a bandage, and without waiting for him to

open the question, the clerk told him very good news.

"Guess what happened, manager," the clerk said, "I finally sold that ugly, ugly suit that's been sitting here

er!"

"It's not that awful, double-breasted suit in pink with blue stripes, is it?"

"That's the one."

"Fantastic!" The manager exclaimed, "I never thought we'd be able to get rid of that monster suit

That's the ugliest thing we've ever gotten in. Oh, by the way, what happened to your hand, why is it wrapped in

bandages?"

"Nothing serious," said the clerk, "After I sold that suit to the guy, his

guide dog jumped up and bit me hard."

Angry robbers

The owner of the small store was picked up out of his bed in the middle of the night by a robber, who, armed with a sharp blade, threatened viciously

"Hand over all your money."

The small boss said in an aggravated voice: "There is really no way, last night your counterparts have come to take all the money

away."

The robber growled angrily, "Why didn't you lock the door."

Flirt

Before the masquerade, Mrs. suddenly uncomfortable, they called her husband to go to the meeting single. A little later, Mrs. consciously good

point, they changed into a set of husband has never seen the fashion, drive also went to the ball. Just inside the door, Mrs.

The wife saw her husband flirting with other women, and was so jealous that she decided to test her husband.

She walked up to her husband and made a charming gesture, throwing her arms around him. Finally, she lured him out to the back garden to have a

fun time. At midnight, when everyone was about to take off their masks, the wife left quietly. And her husband didn't return until

three in the morning. "How was the ball? " the wife asked. "It wasn't fun at all. "The husband

answered. "What exactly did you do there? " the wife pressed again and again. "To tell you the truth," said the

husband, "when I got there, I saw that a couple of my friends didn't have their wives with them, so a few of us were in the

study playing cards." "You were playing cards all night? " screamed the wife. "Yes, no

over I lent my costume and mask to another old friend. The guy was pouring

over me at the end of the ball, bragging that it had been the most wonderful night he'd ever had!"

Rheumatic patient

Patient: "Do you remember? You saw me for rheumatism last year, when you told me to avoid dampness

."

Doctor: "Yes. What are you going to see now?"

Patient: "I want to know if I can take a bath at the moment?"

Division of labor between husband and wife

Tomu says to his friend, "Pierre, we have a division of labor in our house, I manage a few things, and my

wife, she manages a few things." "Tomu, and what things do you divide?" "I take care of the children and the servants

." "And your wife?" "She takes care of the money and me!"

Capture of his son

The beautiful Egyptian female spy, returning from Israel, reported to the Cairo command．" I've got

General Dai Yang's latest attack plan, this one was stolen from his desk, and not only

this, but I've also captured his son ......" "Fantastic!" The Egyptian general shouted, "Where is it? We

will interrogate him at once."" No!" The female spy said, "It must be another ten months."

Parents' children

During Clinton's visit to Britain, he had dinner with Margaret Thatcher, Geoffrey B. Howe and other **** for dinner. To liven things up

Atmosphere, Mrs. Thatcher asked Geoffrey Howe: "Your parents had a child. Howe: "Your parents have a child, neither your brother,

nor your sister, he (she) who?" Howe smiled broadly and replied, "It's me, O Howe." Amused, Clinton

returned to the White House and asked Christopher to, "Who is this child of your parents who

is neither your brother nor your sister?" Christopher could not answer. Clinton

Don laughed out loud in triumph to, "It's Howie."

Fathers and Daughters Together

The father asked Natasha, "Where were you yesterday when you didn't go to class?"

"To the opera with a classmate." Natasha replied without trapping.

"How can you go to the opera during study time?" Father said angrily.

"Yesterday was not your day off, but I saw you sitting in front of me at the theater."

Father's Difference

"Is there any difference

between Baron Rothschild, Emperor Vikian II and Tsar Nicholas II?"

"Yes. Rothschild had a wealthy father; Wickham II had a wicked father

; Tsar Nicholas II had a murderous father."

Father-Son Epistle

Harry writes a letter to his father at boarding school, and the whole letter consists of six words:

"No money, no fun. Son." A week later, he received a letter back that read:

"Much worse, much sadder. Father."

Revisit

Peer knew that the initial visit would cost three dollars, while the follow-up visit would only cost a dollar.

So he walked into the clinic and said to the doctor, "Here I am again."

The doctor looked him over and said, "Just take the same medicine he prescribed last time."

Dry Cleaning

The professor was sitting in the tub when his wife asked curiously, "Why are you taking a bath with your clothes on?" Professor

Professor then realized he hadn't taken off his clothes yet, he was about to jump out of his skin, then suddenly calmed down, "It's okay,

thanks to the fact that I forgot to put water in the tub beforehand."

Willing to lose

"Blau, I'll pour a jar of water on you and your clothes won't be wet yet, can you believe it?"

"Nonsense, how is that possible!"

"How about we bet a crown, then?"

Glenn called for a pitcher of water and poured it over Blau's head, who shouted sharply, "Stop, stop,

Stop! I'm soaking wet!"

"Then count me out!"

Emotions

After watching a TV movie depicting the story of inventor Thomas Edison, the wife said to her husband, "Honey

, if Edison hadn't invented the electric light back in the day, then we'd still be watching TV with candles lit

."

Thank God

The pastor told the farmer who had bought his horse and buggy, "This horse only understands the language of the church: he runs when he calls

"Thank God" and stops when he calls "Praise God".

He tried to call out "Thank God" and the horse immediately took off, running faster and faster. It was only when he reached the edge of the

cliff that the horrified farmer remembered the command to stop, "Praise God". Sure enough, the

horse stopped, and the farmer, who had come back from the dead, let out a long sigh of relief: "Thank God ......"

Golf

An elderly but still energetic golfer went to the wizard and asked if the whether there is

a golf course in heaven, and the wizard said he would have to check and get back to him the next day.

The next day, the old man came back. The wizard said, "I got both good and bad news."

The old man said, "Tell me the good news first." "There are very wide golf courses in heaven," the wizard

said. "The course is covered with turquoise grass and has the best equipment." The old man then asked, "Now

tell me the bad news." The wizard said, "It's your turn to tee off next Sunday at 10:00 a.m.!"