56 classic shocking quotations _ I am not a bone, and I can't let every dog run after me.

1 I think your menopause is not only advanced, but also accelerated.

Are you dissatisfied with the world by dressing like this?

3 reality raped the past and left behind evil seeds called memories.

I didn't say that you are shameless, I mean that shameless people are like you.

5 a fake is a fake, and a small three is also a cheap _ goods!

Men are all lower-body animals. Those men keep telling you that they will give you happiness for the rest of your life, but they actually mean giving you happiness for the lower body.

You have a personality, but your personality is still so bad.

I don't even believe in punctuation.

The typical sign of being single is that the one-month traffic package is long gone, and more than half of the call package is left.

10 money is not a problem, the problem is no money.

1 1 Either you love me or leave me, and don't bother me.

12 Please don't harass, I am harassing others.

13 I won't learn well until the prison collapses. I'm not going home until the prison collapses. Detention is nothing, education is fearless. Sentence is a bird, and you will be a pension for life. Shoot and pull down.

14 I never lie, except this sentence.

15 Before I met you, my world was black and white. After I met you, Oh, McGonagall. It's all dark

16 When you look at beautiful women in the street, if you look higher, you will appreciate them, and if you look lower, you will be hooligans.

17 how many students lost to the last part of the text: reciting the full text.

18 A man's pain is like a woman's breast. The bigger it is, the more attractive it is. The bigger you are, the more you should cherish it.

19 when we learn bird language, we can't achieve positive results until we become bird people. . .

I sincerely want to make money into my hobby.

2 1 There are only two things I can't do in my life: neither this nor that.

If fate grabs you by the neck, then you scratch fate's armpit.

Tonight, let's use the cold war to keep warm!

Looking at your photo, I want to hang it on the wall in black and white.

Twenty-five people can't hang themselves from a tree. Try to die several times in several nearby trees.

Mixed society is a manual work, and it pays attention to four lessons: flashing and prancing.

Hum, winter is the most rogue, always like to freeze my hands and feet.

I really want to call your grandfather by myself: Dad.

Actually, my hair is longer than my nipples.

I'm sorry to make you laugh.

3 1 I'm not a bone. I can't let every dog run after me.

Dear, I'm pregnant for three months, but don't worry, it's not yours and you're not responsible.

The ideal of meat is the life of cabbage.

As soon as you go out, a hundred mountains and no bird, a thousand paths without a footprint.

I'm embarrassed to arrest you. How dare you steal?

Bad guys need strength, scum needs taste more.

Don't tell jokes at the seaside, it will make the sea laugh.

When life turned everything into black humor with malice, I pushed the boat and turned myself into a hooligan with higher education.

The wind is rustling and the water is cold. If you owe money, you have to pay it back.

How can you lose weight if you don't eat enough?

4 1 If life is a movie, then you are a pop-up advertisement.

It's not that the road is rough, but that you can't.

We are like two parallel lines that can never intersect, just one day the parallel lines bend.

Prices are rising too fast, so I always pay in advance when I eat in restaurants.

I never bully the weak ~ ~ ~ I didn't know he was weaker than me before I bullied him.

46 girls. Where are so many white horses? Find a donkey to make do, don't wait until one day all the donkeys are robbed, leaving a pile of mules. ...

Don't say it's acceptable, at least it's tolerable.

48 old man, handsome guy.

Kindness means that when others are hungry, I don't eat meat biaji.

Only the fakes are real, and everything else is fake.

5 1 I admire myself so much that I sometimes kowtow to myself when I look in the mirror!

Every time I see a handsome guy, I always feel a little guilty, and I always wonder how I can have something to do with him. . .

I am a heavy child, so I plan to ban cola and drink urgent syrup instead.

Since the photo of her was hung up, there has never been a mouse in the house. When the mouse looks at this little eye, it recognizes its relatives.

All unforgettable love is the moment when the soul drifts in bed.

Time is like cleavage, there will always be a squeeze;

The generation gap is like cleavage. You don't know how deep it is until you plunge in.

Personality is like cleavage, you can only see part of others;

Luxury goods are like cleavage, and you can only look at them;

But cleavage is not a TV, so don't stare at it all the time.

56 quotations from shocking people

I picked out a mobile phone and thought about returning it to the owner, so I found a number in his mobile phone and called it (the owner's sister). After the other party connected, I said, Brother, what is it? I said, are you the sister of the owner of this mobile phone? I found your brother's mobile phone! After listening, she said, Oh, wait a minute. Then I hung up the phone. In about two minutes. The phone rang, and as soon as I answered it, I heard that the other party was a woman and said, Brother, you found your phone.

There are two buddies walking together, walking, one says he is handsome, and the other stays.

Two beautiful women are talking about what cosmetics have the best whitening effect in the elevator. At the same time, there was a black man beside him, listening silently. Suddenly the black man said to the two beautiful women, "It's no use! I tried, it's useless! "

The tiger king and the lion king were drinking in a bar, but after drinking, they cried bitterly. Then the fox waiter came over and asked, "why are the two big brothers so sad?" "The lion king patted the fox and pointed to the tiger king and said," There is a tigress in his family and a lion in Hedong in my family. Brother, how do you live this life? "When I heard this, the fox immediately burst into tears and said with grievances," Two big brothers, the fox in my family is not worried! “

The cook said kindly to the pig, "how do you want to be eaten?" Don't be afraid, let a hundred flowers blossom, a hundred schools of thought contend, and speak freely. "Pig:" Actually ... I don't want to be eaten. "Chef:" Look, that's beside the point, right? "Pig: ..."

One mm a day and her husband went to the fish market to buy fish. The husband asked, Do you want a turtle? Mm: no. Want a small fish? Mm: no. So what do you want? Mm: I want to raise small animals that can interact with me and listen to me. Husband: Let's go home. You can only support me.

What animal likes to stick on the wall? Answer: seal (poster)

Today, the uncle of the reception office shouted to me, "XX, there is a ticket for you!" " I was so excited when I heard that, I thought I was saved with 20xx. Take it and see, I lay an X, which is a summons …

A thief sneaked into a heavily guarded place in the middle of the night. After opening the vault with great difficulty, he found that it was full of jelly. The tired and hungry thief ate all the jelly in a rage and left. The headline of the local newspaper the next day: "Shocked! Sperm bank is stolen crazily.

Zhuge Liang knew before his death that Wei Yan would turn against him after his death and secretly told Ma Dai to kill Wei Yan. Shu generals are full of talents, and Ma Dai's martial arts skills are not high. Why did Zhuge Liang insist on finding Ma Dai to shoulder this heavy responsibility? Because, Ma Dai word Ding Lin, Martin Lin specializes in Wei Yan.

Who is KIA's sworn enemy? Nokia. because

I went out of the dormitory to check the school badge in the morning, and a roommate was stopped to sign without it. So he wrote: Liu Bei ... "Classmate, please be serious!" Students calmly crossed out "Liu Bei" and changed it to: Liu Xuande.

A mm, the automatic reply of QQ leaving for a period of time is very simple "not here!" So this chat record appeared: Are you there? Not here! Really not here? I'm not asking you something. Oh, is your first kiss still there? Not here! Huh? So your first night is still there? Not here! Do you still have your virginity? Not here! Hey, you've gone too far. Do you still have your sense of shame? Not here! Mm then changes to automatic reply.

Yesterday, the company gave zongzi to its employees. Foreign employees came to work today, and when they met, they said to the company's administrative manager, "The China dim sum that the company sent yesterday was delicious, but the lettuce outside was a little hard." Then he added: There is dental floss on it, which is very thoughtful ...

When I was a member of QQ, the function of' group' came into being. I think this should be the same as grouping, which is convenient for managing friends, so I built a' mm' group, and added all the MM with good relationship, ambiguity and signs ... Later, I was miserable.

Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher: There are many ants in the toilet. The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiao Ming: What do ants say? Xiao Ming looked blank ... and said, Ant, he didn't say anything ...

In the morning, I said, "The elevator opens." It's like a microwave oven. " Colleagues answered, "Yes, and then a group of half-baked people came out of it."

Once upon a time, a boy told his mother: I want to eat clay pot rice. The next day Tsai died.

It is said that the marriage between fifty cents and fifty cents is the strongest, because they can get together.

Taking a taxi in the morning, I heard Christine introduce himself on the radio ... "Hello, I'm Fan Fan, Christine." At this time, the driver popped up: "I k, I can be a star these days ~"

Math teacher: "You are so stupid. Your IQ is negative. My IQ is 100 times that of your! ! Quotations from Weibo

On the night of the wedding night, Liu Bei smirked at his wife and said, "It's time for the second child to play!" " Suddenly, Guan Yu broke into the house and shouted, "Thank you, big brother!" Then he said, "I'll show you the power of my little brother!" " As soon as the voice fell, Zhang Feiyue entered the window and shouted, "Thank you, Second Brother!" .

A man and a tiger were tied to two big trees, and there was a candle under the rope that tied the tiger. If the rope was burned, the tiger would eat the man. As a result, the man said a word and was not eaten by the tiger? He said, "happy birthday! ！” The tiger blew out the candle.

Hold a party, and our program is the chorus "We are All Family". Before taking the stage, my brother encouraged everyone to say, "You should be as calm as I am, and don't be nervous." As a result, more than a dozen people took to the stage with neat steps. The senior brother announced the curtain in person: "Let's present a chorus for everyone. The name of the song is" Our family is all human "."

I went to Yuanmingyuan with my wife, entered the middle of the maze, and then went out. "Go with the old man, I feel that he knows better ~ ~" So he walked with the old man, and after a while ... the old man climbed over the wall.

Q: Who has the flattest chest in fairy tales? A: Little Red Riding Hood Q: Why? A: Because her grandmother was eaten by a wolf.

When the United Nations holds a general meeting, all the representatives present want to speak. The chairman of the conference is an Englishman. When everyone is competing for the right to speak, the Japanese raise their hands! The chairman said: you can say it! Japan said a lot of things at random. But the chairman said, can you speak English? The Japanese said: I am just speaking English! The Japanese went on talking ... At this time, the chairman said: Can you stand up and speak? The Japanese said: I have stood up! 、

An American, who was visiting China, accidentally led into a roadside ditch and said angrily, In America, red flags will be erected in dangerous places to remind him! The tour guide smiled: didn't you see it when you entered the country?

"I had an operation," a man said to his friend, "but the doctor left a sponge in my stomach." "Is that very uncomfortable?" "No, I just feel thirsty all the time."

A man limped into the hospital and said to the nurse, "Please put me in a third-class ward. I am poor." "Can't anyone help you?" The nurse asked. "no! I only have one sister, who is a nun and very poor. " After listening to this, the nurse said angrily, "The nun is very rich. Because she is married to God. " "Ok, just put me in the special ward and send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Driving my wife to work one day, I saw a Jetta on the road. My brother, a very cool man, was smoking on the door. There was a car license on the front windshield with two words on it. Only the first word "country" could be seen clearly. I muttered: What is this "country"? This wife, who was watching a cold joke, said without looking up, "The country is enough!" "

Legend has it that the Weaver Girl only took a bath when she came down to earth, and she got to know the Cowherd and interpreted a touching love story that made the gods cry. This incident tells us that lesbians will never have a chance to take a bath at home, so they must go outside to take a bath.

I bought a big plush toy for mm and wanted to give her a surprise. I was late for dinner on purpose and suddenly appeared behind her to give her a gift. She seemed quite happy to look at it for a while and suddenly asked me, "How much is it?" I said, "How much do you pay?" She said, "Who gave it to you …" I said, "How much did you ask …" "My ex-boyfriend gave me the same one to see if you bought it too expensive …"

One day, when Big Brother stopped the car and was about to go out, he heard a conversation between two young people behind him. One of them said, "Look, wow, Phaeton!" Eldest brother felt comfortable in his heart, and finally he had someone who knew the goods. When he was happy, he heard another young man say, "Fuck, there really is an SB to buy it."

The drunk came home and said to his wife, The house is haunted! The wife was shocked and asked: Why do you see it? The drunk said: As soon as I pull the door of the bathroom, the light comes on, and the evil wind is chilly! The wife slapped him: You peed in the refrigerator again.

Raising fish is very troublesome. I have to change the water once a week, which I often forget. Then I had to change the fish once a week.

A bunch of people were strolling around the International Trade Center, and they were hungry. A man suggested that it was not easy to visit the Imperial Capital. He tried the official dishes and then took out his iphone. He was overjoyed for a while and said that there was a restaurant nearby called Xiaowangfu whose name should be good. Then everyone ran excitedly. After sitting down, he found that "XiaoWang's Home" was impressively written on the tableware.

Wife: Shall we have three children in the future? Husband: Alas, two is enough? Wife: Three! Husband: No, two! Wife: I said three, three! Husband: I'll have my second child ligated! Wife: Well, I hope you love your third child as well.

One day, a minor child asked his father a question when everyone was having dinner at a party: "Dad, guess a riddle, saying that a man took fifty cents to prostitute three women. What do you think is the mathematical symbol of this event?" Everyone thought for a long time, some said, "It's a question mark", and some said it's an exclamation point! When everyone was thinking hard, the waiter suddenly said, "Absolute value"!

One day, the pig said to the bear, "Guess how many sweets I have in my pocket?" The bear said, "Guess right, will you give it to me?" The pig must nod: "Well, I'll give you both if I guess right!" " The bear swallowed and said, "I guess there are five pieces."

The reporter interviewed the director of the mental hospital, how to make sure that the patient has been cured and can be discharged. The dean said: it's very simple. Fill the bathtub with water, put a spoon and a spoon next to it, and ask to empty the bathtub. The reporter said: Oh! I see. Normal people will use spoons. The dean said: No, normal people will unplug the bathtub.

When winter came, the husband looked for a sweater, and the wife said, I washed it and gave it to my brother. Looking for woolen pants again, the wife said: I washed them and gave them to my brother; The husband is angry: you can wash me and give it to your sister.

Brother Penguin is dating sister Penguin. Brother Penguin specially dressed up and wore a straight suit in order to make a good impression on his sister Penguin. Sister Penguin saw it and slapped her brother Penguin in the face: "Shit, let you be a member! Shit, let you be a member! ！”

When the husband turned on the light, he accidentally left his handprint on the freshly painted wall. The next day, my wife called the painter: I want you to see the place where my husband touched last night. The painter fainted while spraying nosebleeds.

Why is the sea blue? Because a fish swims in the water, it spits bubbles, blue … blue … blue …

When I was a child, I listened to the story of Dayu's water control. I thought Dayu was great. He devoted himself to water control for 13 years, but he didn't enter the house three times. During this period, his wife Tu Shanshi gave birth to a big fat boy Qi, and Dayu didn't even take a look. Looking back now, I always feel that there are subtle contradictions in some parts of this story.

There is a football match on TV, and the players are entering the stadium. The wife put down the newspaper and watched TV for a while. She said to her husband, "The newspaper says that some players and their wives have a messy private life. Today, it is true." The husband said, "That's off the court. What can you see on the court?" The wife pointed to the TV and said, "Look at these players and their children. None of them look alike."

Give a solid company to the pear hall: stop the East Fifth Garden to cure monkeys, and be sure to get ugly. On the first day, Ann took the chop and vomited. The next day, you took the chop, lying on the ground was full of wine, and the monkey spit it out.

When I first entered school, the whole class began to introduce themselves, what was their name and what they liked. A male student stepped onto the platform: "My name is Wang, I come from a city, and I love playing chess!" " When I finished, I went down. It happened that the next girl was a girl. It was time for Nv Jiao to go to the podium shyly and explain herself in fear and trembling: "I ... my name is Shakuyaku ..." As soon as the voice fell, there was a dead silence. Then the whole class burst into laughter

The passenger ship was about to sink, and the leader grabbed a life jacket. The secretary reminded me: Director, there are still girls on board. The leader angered: What time is it, still thinking about that?

Wukong was sucking on the ground with a magnet. Friar Sand asked, What are you looking for, big brother? Wukong: Hey! I dropped my golden hoop, and it didn't grow long before!

My deskmate said to me, "I met a very bad thing!" " I asked, "What is it?" He replied, "One day I dreamed that I was taking an exam." I said, "nightmare, nothing." He went on to say, "Then I woke up and found that I was really taking an exam!" " Me: "..."

Confucius, Mencius and Laozi all slept in the pigsty at the same time, and found that the sow was pregnant. According to the DNA test, it was definitely not Confucius or Mencius. Excuse me, who did it?

There was a kissing scene on TV, and the father asked his son to pour a glass of water. Soon, there was another kissing scene on TV. Dad asked his son to pour another glass of water. The son asked, Dad, are you thirsty at the sight of someone kissing?

When I was a soldier, I caught a cold and went to the health team for intravenous drip. I was told by the soldiers in the same year that Li Shizhen was on duty, and I was overjoyed. I thought it would be good to be treated as Li Shizhen's needle once, but I didn't know that I had to endure the pain and get six needles in the end. So I denounced my comrades-in-arms and told them that it was good for this doctor to give patients at least ten needles, hence the name Li Shizhen. I was lucky to get six needles.

55 classic quotations from shocking people

1 If you are a flower, cows won't dare to shit in the future!

The world belongs to us and our sons, but in the end it belongs to those grandchildren.

After breaking up, I don't want anything. I just hope that every woman in your future is not as good as one. . .

As great men, Marx left, leaving us with foaming at the mouth of Marxism and calloused papers. Qu Yuan left, but left us with a three-day holiday.

Or China people love China people. Whoever ignores me again, I will tell him a story: once upon a time, there was a man who didn't like to talk to me, and he died the next day.

My site, you are the landlord.

I not only have a car, but also do it by myself.

It's not that I don't want to lose weight, I'm just afraid of rebounding.

No matter how high the grade is, I am afraid that the kitchen knife and the clothes will be hung again and a brick will fall down.

10 Be a man with conscience and find a woman with temperament.

1 1 believe it or not, I slapped you on the wall and couldn't even pull it off! ...

12 signature change every day, anyway, it's free.

13 when others review books, they will understand by watching, but I will get over it by watching.

14 don't talk to me about feelings. Talking about feelings hurts money.

15 The brain is the noblest organ-because it tells you.

16 When is the bright moon? Look up yourself.

17 our goal: look at the money and earn more.

18 happiness is a comparative level, and you can't feel it until something is at the bottom.

19 people are parallel imports, but the heart is licensed.

Women are made of water, men are made of mud, and Li Junji and Chris Lee are all made of cement.

2 1 Once when I was on the street, a group of girls stopped me. They said I was handsome, but when I denied it, they hit me and called me hypocritical.

You are not mainstream! Your family is not mainstream! Your mother socks! Your dad's tin foil head!

As long as the sunrise appears before sunset, as long as the class arrives before class.

Who is whose husband? All fucking temporary workers!

Secret love is a successful pantomime, and it becomes a tragedy when it is said!

Born down and out, the five elements are short of money.

If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for not having gravity when you are constipated.

28 stands higher and urinates farther.

I'm thinking a lot, but I'm feeling a lot.

There is a kind of person who will never know that you are his father if you don't CTM.

3 1 A wife is like a gun, reminding you at any time that if she has an affair, she will shoot you.

A tailor who doesn't want to be a cook is not a good driver.

I once passed a person countless times, and my clothes were all scraped and no sparks were sparked.

Bitch will always be a bitch, even if the economic crisis, you can't be expensive!

35 disgusting mother cried very sad with nausea, why? Because it's disgusting

Do you know what is the most painful thing in a man's life?

There is no wife. Do you know what is more painful for men? Have a daughter-in-law, run away with someone else. What I can't put down now is chopsticks, but what I can't get out is the quilt.

I'm not a fortune teller in the square, so I can't talk so much about what you like to hear.

39. One misstep makes a man of eternal love.

My schizophrenia has been cured. Now I and I are fine.

4 1 long looks like a car accident scene!

When a man meets a woman, there is only an anniversary, not an independence day.

43 words are not surprising, and death is not shameful.

In this age of promiscuity, a dear is at best a hello!

After 45, you have a heart after 80 and a face after 70.

Cover your crotch. Respect other people's crotch.

You have a good figure. Even the Monkey King will give you three sticks when he sees you.

If you don't have health insurance and life insurance, don't be brave after dark.

I prefer to watch Huo Ying endure it, because a village of Japanese people will die as soon as they die.

Put away your love, I'm tired of playing fake.

5 1 It is said that women are clothes, and elder sister is a brand that you can't afford to wear.

No amount of water can make you feel lonely.

Real warriors dare to face up to beautiful girls and face up to bleak singles.

If you look like a steamed stuffed bun, don't blame the dog for following.

Yesterday, at noon, I received a short message: Please deposit money into this account XXX. I'll return half an hour later: I've credited 5,000 yuan, please check it. The next day, I received: I have been to the bank three times, you liar.

55 classic shocking quotations _ shocking sentences _ too funny