And the corresponding children: homework delays, staying up late at night, getting up in the morning.
Homework has always been the title of parent-child relationship summarizer. I always feel that although the child has come home from school, his brain has not come back yet. Otherwise, how can it be so difficult to write an assignment every day?
It is said that the teacher left too much homework, which was too difficult, but how did other children finish it ahead of time? Say that the child is too stupid and lazy, look at yourself and then look at her husband. Is it really a genetic mutation?
I don't know when it started. Accompanying children to do homework has become a "high-risk" job, and there are more and more news that parents are angry because their children do homework.
Let's take a look at sleeping at night. Science has proved that children's energy is really much stronger than adults. In the middle of the night 12, the cat is tired, but the child still brings his own charging board and still wants to go to heaven.
As long as parents urge them to sleep, they will always find some inexplicable reasons to prevaricate. Every child who dawdles is a natural negotiator, which makes parents have to make concessions in a hurry.
Sleep late and can't get up in the morning. You can't wake a person who pretends to sleep, but you can't wake a baby who sleeps late.
As soon as the alarm goes off, the parents turn on the growling mode, and the child promises repeatedly, but the body does not take any action.
When I was still rich, I was dragged by my children, brushing my teeth, washing my face, eating, dressing, looking for textbooks and scarves. Every time I go out, I am in a panic.
What I am most afraid of is the sentence before the child goes out: "Mom, I can't hold it, I want to shit!" "
In these three points, children can basically be said to be unified throughout the country, and most parents have the same coping style.
Parents who catch flies
The word "driving away flies" first appeared in the book Children: Challenges by Rudolph Drake, an American child psychologist, psychiatrist, educator and founder of modern practical child psychology.
"Don't do this!"
"Hurry up, you'll be late!"
"Hurry up!"
"Come out now!"
This is the daily life of parents and children in countless families that drive away flies.
Rudolph analyzed it this way: the child is stimulating his parents' anger through his own behavior, and the parents' reaction is like saying, "Leave me alone with the flies!" " "
When parents are angered by their children's behavior, they will naturally use words like "don't", "stop" and "hurry up". Trying to make these behaviors disappear from our world is like driving away flies.
But have we forgotten that flies usually fly back soon after being driven away, and this kind of harassment is basically endless.
When it comes to parenting, the effect is the same. Those blurted out "hurry up" are natural reactions and ineffective training methods, which only imply that children don't need to listen to their instructions until their parents are crazy.
In fact, educating children is also regular, and many parents are too hasty to lead to "parent-child relationship tension." Therefore, parents still have to explore the temperament of their children and slowly try to communicate with them.
Just like teacher Wu Zhen, the founder of Youjia Education, once mentioned the topic of how parents communicate with teachers:
Being called to school by the teacher is a very stressful thing for many parents. Parents need to do the following:
1, keep a calm, calm and firm attitude, and cooperate with the work of the school;
3. Be clear about the goals and results you want to achieve and become a problem-solving partner.
In fact, whether it is for teachers or children, the way of communication and mentality should be the same, but often facing children, parents will always have a kind of: you have to listen to me! This idea.
However, maintaining your own mentality, affirming each other and solving problems together are always the best ways to solve contradictions and problems.
The reason why a child procrastinates and is disobedient is only because most things are not so important in his mind. If a child asks him to play, the points will be as fast as lightning.
So does it mean that as long as we have something that children like, we can seduce them and control them?
For example, if we have candy, we can lure children to listen to us. We have mobile phones, so children can listen to our mobile phones ... Facts have proved that this kind of thinking is logically established and there is no problem.
But children seem to like many things, such as eating, drinking, happiness, freedom, love and so on. So it seems that they like too many things. How to divide it?
Seducing children is also graded.
Maslow, a famous American psychologist, divided people's needs into different levels from low to high:
Physiological needs (including hunger, thirst, clothing, shelter and transportation), safety needs (ensuring the safety of one's life and property), social needs (friendship needs and belonging needs), respect needs (gaining recognition and respect from others) and self-realization needs (personal ideals and ambitions).
He believes that only when the lower-level needs are basically met will the higher-level needs appear. In other words, people first pursue to meet physiological needs, then pursue safety needs, and then improve in turn.
For example, people used to eat Guanyin soil when they were hungry. There is no doubt that Guanyin soil is harmful to health, but why do people still eat it?
Because at this time, physiological needs are in the first place, people need to solve the problem of food and clothing first. How can we estimate the safety of health if we can't meet the basic physiological needs of food and clothing?
Therefore, when parents think about what their children need to provide, they can refer to this hierarchical model to provide the right needs at the right time and arouse their enthusiasm.
Taking homework as an example, let's analyze which level of needs should be used to meet children's needs:
1, physiological needs: Many parents will use material rewards, such as children doing their homework carefully, parents will take their children to eat a big meal, buy delicious food, and even give them money directly.
Because children are young and pay more attention to material rewards to meet basic physiological needs, children generally listen to their parents honestly.
However, there is a big problem in luring children with physiological needs. Children do homework because there are material rewards, so if there are no material rewards, there may be problems that children don't want to write.
Therefore, in the short term, material rewards to meet physiological needs are very useful, but in the long term, it is not conducive to children's spontaneous and active learning, and it will also distort their desire to learn.
2. Safety requirements: If the surrounding environment is unsafe and only children can get safety by doing their homework, then children will definitely do their homework honestly.
Is there such a scene? Yes! It is parents who punish their children.
Because children are afraid of corporal punishment, they can only do their homework honestly, otherwise they will be beaten, but this is more harmful to children's physical and mental health than material rewards, and it is even more undesirable!
3. Social needs: Just like many children like to play games now, if all the friends around them play games, even if the child didn't play before, he should play for his friends.
Similarly, if the children's circle is proud of their own efforts, then in order to integrate into this circle, children must also do their homework seriously, which determines the importance of the circle.
This method of doing homework to meet children's social needs is very good, but this circle is difficult for parents to find and control. What we can do at ordinary times is to guide our children to get along with better people, but it is difficult to completely create such a circle for him.
4. Respect for needs: If homework can provide children with a sense of accomplishment and honor, and let children gain the envy and respect of others, children will definitely take the initiative to write homework.
In fact, schools and parents have been creating an atmosphere that can help children gain respect and honor through homework. For example, in front of all the students, the teacher praised those students who did their homework carefully and completed it well.
Once a child has successfully established a demand model to gain respect from homework, then the child will take the initiative to write homework.
But if you can't see your child's efforts, you will always find fault with your child. It's not well written here, and it's not serious there. You are humiliated by all kinds before you experience honor. How do children avoid homework?
5. Self-demand: Are you helping me with my homework? I forced you to do your homework for your own good! Learning knowledge is for your future! Theoretically, all these words of "educating" children are based on their own needs.
If children set lofty ideals and need to work hard to achieve their goals, then children can take the initiative to learn, which is our most ideal education.
It's just that the ways and means are still open to question. We can slowly influence children with gentler words, but this is undoubtedly a very difficult thing. Only low-level needs such as physiology and safety are the easiest to create and the most effective.
However, these requirements are not generated by the job itself. Once the demand created by our homework disappears, children will lose interest in homework.
The so-called temporary solution does not cure the problem, but advanced needs such as self-demand need parents to know the methods, time and perseverance, which are also closely related to children's own nature and can only be realized under the influence of the same factors.
On the whole, the most suitable is undoubtedly the middle-level needs of socialization and respect. Education is a long process. Try to slow down the pace, and the pace with children is the best experience of life.
May every child be treated well!