You are
evolution incomplete life form, genetic mutation of the aliens,
kindergarten degree of high school students, congenital Mongolia disease frog head,
Mother of God Peak yeti's outcasts, the murderer of septic tank clogging ,
Africans screwing black* descendants, yin and yang dysfunctional chimpanzees,
Hippopotamuses crushed by Noah's Ark, new volcanic eruption vents,
Oversized brazenly transmitting megaphones, Eskimo shames,
Surviving supersubjects with cockroach ****s, half-plants with decaying vitality,
Trash people who emit a stinky odor. The origin of the term "spit",
The dinosaur that degenerated three times a day, the strongest waste product in the history of mankind,
The old washing machine that God dropped, the brainless creature that can think,
The scourge that ruined the name of our Asian compatriots, the descendants of our ancestors who were shamed by the scourge,
Depositing a thousand years of rotting matter,
Another species that can be used as the basis for the creation of a new generation of human beings. Humus that has been deposited for thousands of years, a primitive species that scientists are afraid to study,
10 times the concentration of petroleum, a disfigured Ronald McDonald,
An abomination like you :
can only play the role of a turd in a TV show,
not as good as a chewing gum on the side of the road that has been urinated on by a dog,
even Ruhanna looks 10 times more handsome than you do,
you need to find a girlfriend to be with,
and you have to be a good friend.
To find a girlfriend, you have to go to the zoo or even leave the planet,
To kill yourself, you'll only be advised not to leave your body behind so as not to pollute the environment,
Amoeba can't survive on the keyboard you touch,
The spit you spew out is more lethal than SARS,
Playing cute can instantly solve the problem of the population explosion,
To be cool and handsome can solve the problem of population expansion,
To be cute and handsome can solve the problem of population expansion,
If you play it cool, you'll have to reproduce asexually,
Idiot can be your teacher, retard can teach you to speak,
If you look up, the ozone layer will break down
If you want to emigrate to Mars, it's because I want to get away from you,
If you can generate electricity from your ugly face, the world can shut down its nuclear plants,
If you go to war, the bullets and missiles won't be able to get to you.
Bullets and missiles will fly at you,
Grenades will explode when they see you,
Everyone else has to fly a plane into the Gemini Planet, but you're just a parachute jump away,
All the places you've been to become monuments, all the places you've been to become history,
Eighteen lifetimes of doing nothing good before you were known to me, and you're too environmentally friendly to throw into the sun!
Anyway, one thing: don't let me see you again, and if I do,
I'm going to kill you!
It's good to curse at your enemies!
Slightly more scary jokes (two in one):
First story paranormal
I remembered a paranormal incident my sister told me .....
That said, my sister has a friend who has a little son around 3 years old ....
One day he realized that his son was waving from the window while saying, "Bye bye uncle!"
The friend was initially unimpressed .....
Thinking that his son was talking to an old man passing by on the street (because his family lives very low down)
But then he thought that his son was always talking like this around dusk
WO..... But can't see anyone outside the window ..... The more the friend thought about it, the more scared he got ....
So he asked his son who he was saying goodbye to .....
The son replied, "With Uncle!"
The friend asked again: "There's no one outside! Which uncle are you talking to?"
The son answered him while pointing outside:
"Which uncle?
Uncle Sun!"
The second story on the country road
On a country road with a lot of twists and turns, there are often ghost stories because of car accidents, and one night a cab driver. Saw a long hair on the side of the road, wearing a white woman, waving to him, because the driver has not seen a ghost so bold. Stopped to let her get on the car, this way, although the driver does not believe in ghosts in the heart is also hairy, so often from the rear view out of sight mirror to see the back of the woman, driving, suddenly the driver found that the woman disappeared! The driver was shocked and stepped on the brake! Only to see the woman appeared again, and the blood flow face, extremely horrible, the driver was so scared that the whole body soft, say a half a word. The driver was so scared that he couldn't speak a word. He thought to himself, "Oh no, I've really met a ghost this time!" The woman spoke up when she was nervous:
"Hey! Mr. Driver, I'm just afraid of being seen by you, sorry, just bend down to dig a nose also, who told you to brake so sharply ah! Look! I've got a nosebleed!"
The third story is the head outside the window
Just a few days ago, an old man came to the village. The old man looked very haggard and disillusioned, but perhaps because no one knew him, no one paid special attention. As a result, in the evening, the old man was found hanging in the woods! The place where he hanged himself was right behind Xiao Jing's house, and the old man could even be seen clearly through the bathroom window!
In the evening, Xiao Jing came back, because the body was quickly disposed of, so Xiao Jing did not know. What she saw at that time made her whole body freeze! She saw a human head! Shizuku couldn't move, but the head was looking at her! At that moment, the head smiled! And said:
"Sis,.... Did you have a shock?"
The fourth story is about the death of a man who ate instant noodles
My brother disliked my mom's cooking and loved instant noodles. One day my mom didn't cook and my brother wanted to eat instant noodles, so my mom scolded him: "If mom didn't cook, why don't you go out and buy lunchboxes? I don't know what to say, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do it," she said.
My brother said: "I just like to eat, how!"
"Aiya ..... Mom told you, noodles really is not a good thing, your father's heart before the company has a young lady, in order to save the money to send home, so the morning to eat noodles, eat noodles at noon, eat noodles at night. Eating noodles every day, the result is three months later she died!"
(Alarmed) "Really?"
"How could mom lie to you?"
"Really, how did she die?"
..... This one,.... Car accident while buying instant noodles .....
The fifth story of the car accident
In high school, there was a scene at the fruit and vegetable market in front of the Huazhong Bridge. ....
Because the fruit and vegetable market is a lot of car points, but also at the end of the school hours, we took the bus crowded people standing in the door of the car, including the face of the whole person like a gecko as tightly pressed against the car door.
Mr. Driver and other people are on the decor, began to start, because to go on the bridge, he has been stepping on the gas pedal to accelerate, until he found that there is an old woman in front of him is crossing the street, step on the brakes when it is already too late!
Only see the old woman lying on the road in front of the car, motionless, beside a pile of intestines, but also began to seep out of the blood ......
Some people began to scream .... Some look speechless, and the driver pale, sitting in the seat do not dare to go down, when the car driver began to point to the present driver, a strange thing happened ......
Suddenly, the old woman trembling stood up, took out a broken plastic bag, began to pick up intestines, mouth also muttered mutter: "die ah .... Just bought back the intestines, so how to eat ah ....."
The sixth story bento
To tell you a ghost story, and powder horror!
On a silent moonlit night, a traveler through the mountains was unfortunately lost. Just when he was hungry, cold and exhausted, he finally found a thatched cottage far ahead. He ran up to it, knocked on the door, and cried out, "Is anyone there? An old woman answered the door. After the traveler explained his purpose, the old woman kindly gave the traveler a box of lunches and promised to stay at the woman's house for the night. The next morning, the traveler woke up and realized that there was no thatched cottage around him, and that he was sleeping on the ground. But the traveler wasn't afraid, and was grateful to the old woman, thinking that she was the Bodhisattva incarnate who had come to save him from his suffering. So he bowed where he was and left with a sense of gratitude. After a long journey, he finally returned to his village. After a long time, someone finally said, "That granny you are talking about, she died three years ago. The traveler heard, the heart screamed bad, suddenly felt a sharp pain in the body, and exclaimed: "bad .... I,.... I... I ate an expired... Expired lunchbox!
The Seventh Story of Yin Yang Eyes
There was a senior who wanted to ride a girl with Yin Yang Eyes home.
At first, the senior warned the girl, "No matter what you see, don't tell me!" A little while later, they passed by a cemetery, and the young girl screamed and pulled the senior's clothes ..... The girl said: "The senior .... The school .... The senior ....." The senior shouted: "You shut up! I don't want to hear anything!" The younger sister said: "But ......." Senior: "Don't tell me what you saw!" After a wild ride to the destination, the senior said: "What did you want to tell me just now?" The school girl: "just passed the cemetery, I want to tell you that your wallet fell down, but you do not even look back to ride through ......
The eighth story of the same year, the same month, the same day to die
When Ally was working overtime, suddenly felt a cold wind blowing behind the north. Ally thought it was very strange, how could there be wind blowing in the airtight office building? Looking back, the clock on the wall pointed to 11 o'clock. Ally thought: "Today she may not be able to finish, and then continue tomorrow, thinking, will be the computer shutdown, clean up after the office out. Unexpectedly, today's elevator is being renovated ..... Ally thought: "Oh no, the office is on the 11th floor. ...... Have to take the stairs downstairs. Luckily it is downstairs, otherwise it would be exhausted, Ally just downstairs, always feel that someone behind her to follow her, can not help but think of just in the office of the cold wind. Although Ally's whole body is decorated with goose bumps, but also can not hide the curiosity of the heart. When she looked back, she realized that ...... Hong, her best friend who died of cancer three months ago, stared at her angrily ......" Why don't you keep your word? Why don't you keep your word? I'm so lonely down there .... So lonely ....." Xiao Hong said as she closed in on Ali ...... "Ah ______" Ali has fallen from the window of the 10th floor ...... Xiao Xiang and Zhen Zhen were both good friends of Ali and Xiao Hong ...... After attending Lai's funeral, they discuss the cause of Lai's death at a tea house. Siu Heung:Jen Jen..... Do you remember? Not long after Hong's death, Mei Mei died in a car accident. ..... Now it's Ali. .... Could it be ...... Zhen Zhen:Uh-huh.... I have a feeling too.... Could it be Xiao Hong? She ..... Xiaoxiang: It's possible, Xiaohong is here to claim her life, we can't go on like this, otherwise, even you and I will be ..... Zhen Zhen: I know a master, his Taoism is very deep, we go to find him to help us. When Xiaoxiang and Zhen Zhen arrived at the master's dojo, the master correctly pointed out that Xiaoxiang and the dead friends are good sisters, five people at that time promised, can not be the same year the same month and the same day of life, they would like to the same year the same month and the same day of death. So after Xiaohong's death, she remembered the promise and came to look for the other sisters. .... When Xiao Xiang and Zhen Zhen heard this, they asked the master to save their lives. The master ordered his apprentice to bring a plate of green beans and a red bean, mix the beans together and recite a spell. When he finished, he told Xiao Xiang and Zhen Zhen that he was negotiating with Xiao Hong, and if Xiao Hong agreed not to take their lives, he would let the green beans float on top of the red beans, if Xiao Hong did not agree, the red beans would float on top of the green beans. The master said that he would try his best to save Xiao Xiang and Zhen Zhen, and that it would take him a week to communicate with Xiao Hong, and that he would ask Xiao Xiang to come to see the result in a week's time. After a week, he asked Xiao Xiang and Zhen Zhen to come to see the result. After that, he solemnly covered the plate with a red cloth. Siu Heung and Chun Chun finally got over the fidgety week, they came to the dojo together, the master ordered his disciple to bring out the plate, when the master opened the red cloth ..... He was so shocked by the sight of the red cloth. .... Xiao Xiang and Zhen Zhen saw the master's face was not right, also quickly grabbed the plate ...... The young apprentice helplessly said: "Master you ah ..... I've told you before .... Dojo moisture heavy, should have bought a dehumidifier, you do not listen to ..... Look! Beans are sprouting !!!!!"
The ninth story of life like to eat apples
A night of darkness and scenery of the night, the cab driver passed a remote street intended to close the car to go home, coincidentally, a woman on the side of the road beckoned to get on. The driver thought he could give her a ride. The ride was quiet. Suddenly, the woman spoke up and said, "Driver, here's an apple for you. It's delicious." The driver felt obliged, so he took it and bit into it. The woman said, "It's good, isn't it?" The driver said, "It's delicious." The woman said, "I loved apples when I was alive." Wow ..... &*#@^The driver, upon hearing these words, was so frightened that he braked and turned white ..... Only to see the woman slowly tilted her head to the front, slowly said to the driver "Don't be afraid, I haven't finished it, after I gave birth to a child said I don't like to eat!"
The tenth story of ghosts in the toilet
Small Wang went to his cousin's house to play overseas, and while chatting with his cousin, his cousin told him that there are ghosts in the toilets here, but if you don't accept the ghosts' things, the ghosts won't hurt you. (Of course, there is no ghost, just the cousin is lying to him) may be the original pressure of the water and soil, to the evening, Xiao Wang's stomach aches, really no way, Xiao Wang had to go to the toilet with a fear of the psychology of the hard head. Xiao Wang just squatted down, then heard the ghost (cousin played) voice: "want red handkerchief or white handkerchief?" Knowing that he could not accept anything from the ghost, Wang replied, "I always use newspaper." It seemed that Xiao Wang had dysentery. After a short while, Xiao Wang went to the toilet again, but this time he wasn't afraid anymore. After seeing Wang, the ghost reached out his hand and said: "Do you want <Central Daily News> or <Youth Daily News>? "I always use sports newspapers." At night, Xiao Wang went to the toilet for the third time, the ghost asked: "to < sports weekly > or < soccer > Xiao Wang trembling said: "I ..... I... I just want to pee."
The eleventh story of the female ghost without feet
There was a female freshman at Qing University who was very studious, and one night, after she finished reading, she felt very tired. Look at the table, already a little more than one, listening to the sister said, the night of the Acacia Lake is very beautiful, so want to walk there. When she arrived at the lake, she suddenly felt that someone was tapping her shoulder, she turned around and saw a pale woman. The woman said: "Schoolgirl, I don't have any feet," and she couldn't help but look at the strange woman's feet, and there were none! Elementary school girls run, but the ghost still followed her all the way, and in the ear can not stop whispering eerily: "I have no feet, I have no feet ...... Elementary school girls feel very annoyed, just to the dormitory near the gay is to turn to the female ghost shouted: "no feet so what! I don't have boobs!
Latest Additions:
Sour Meat
"Please let me go, I'm a big old man, the meat is sour, not good ah" Zhang old man leaned against the corner of the wall, there is no way to enter on the bottom of the road, the two severe ghosts step by step to force over. "The meat is sour?" The male ghost grabbed Zhang's hand and bit off a piece of meat so hard that Zhang screamed. Zhang was pardoned, kowtowed dozens of times on the ground, a piece of meat is better than losing his life, he was about to leave. He was about to leave when another female ghost screamed, "Stop!" The male ghost was a bit strange, "Why do we keep this old thing? The meat is sour, it's not good." The female ghost whispered in the male ghost's ear, "I want to eat sour." The male ghost was even more surprised, "why?" The female ghost poked the male ghost's head with her finger and said shyly "You bad guy, people, people, people are pregnant!"
Mosquitoes
Three mosquitoes were chatting on the wall in a very old and shabby building in the suburbs.
"Hey, I can't find anything to eat lately."
"That's right, that's right, we haven't had a good day since that woman moved in."
"Let's just say that last night, I was on the 2nd floor of the building. Let's just say that I sucked on the leg of Master Zhang's nephew on the 2nd floor for half a day, and only got out a few small dried blood clots, and it almost didn't make me choke to death!"
"You're okay! Let's just say last night, I sucked all night on the carotid aorta of Wang's daughter-in-law on the 3rd floor, and all that came out was tap water!"
The remaining mosquito bawled
"I said what are you crying about?"
"I'm the worst!"
"What's wrong?"
"Last night I was starving, and I was on the fourth floor, and I saw that woman, lying on top of a naked man, and I ran to get ready to suck that man's blood, and she grabbed me, and ...... then... ..."
"Then what happened? You finished a sentence!" The other two mosquitoes were anxious.
The mosquito said with a sniffle and a tear, "Then she viciously said to me 'dead mosquito, I don't even have enough to drink, you still run to rob with me!' , then she sucked my blood too, oooooooooooooooooo......"
There are two people
In a remote village, a goat's path has a straight utility pole, and, strangely enough, people often have accidents there. Soon a pair of young men and women were accidentally knocked down on their bicycles and killed instantly. One night, 5-year-old Xiaozhi and his mother passed there on the way home, Xiaozhi suddenly: "Mom, there are two people on the pole." His mom took him by the hand and quickly walked away, saying, "Kids don't talk nonsense!" But this incident soon spread, one day, a reporter came to interview Xiaozhi let him take him to see the place where the accident occurred, Xiaozhi generous lead him to walk there, the reporter asked: "Where?" The reporter looked up and saw a sign on the pole,
Writing: Traffic safety is everyone's responsibility
Night encounter with female ghosts
The night was already very late, a cab driver decided to pull a passenger to go home, but there were not many people on the road.
The driver was driving without a purpose when he noticed a white shadow swaying in front of him, waving at him. It was unnatural to have a quiet night with a human being all of a sudden, and besides, the situation had to remind people of something they didn't want to think about, that is, ghosts!!!!
But in the end the driver decided to pull her, the person got into the car and said in a miserable and hoarse voice, " Please go to the cremation factory." The driver winced with a cold shiver of excitement. Could she really be ...... He couldn t think any further, and he didn t dare to think any further. He regretted it, but now he could only get her to her destination surprisingly quickly.
The woman's face is clear, a face of white, all the way to no words, let a person creep. The driver really can't continue to drive on, from the place she wants to go is very close to the time, he found an excuse, stammered: "Miss, I'm sorry, the front is not good to turn around, you walk through it, has been very close." The woman nodded and asked, "How much is that?" The driver hurriedly said, "Forget it, forget it,
You're a woman, it's not easy to come here so late, forget it!" "How can that be good." "Just let it be!" The driver insisted. The woman couldn't argue, "Then, thank you!" After saying that, he opened the car door ...... The driver turned around to start the car, but he didn't hear the sound of the car door closing, so he turned back his head ...... How did the woman disappear so quickly? He looked at the back seat, no! Not in the front of the car, not on the left, not on the right, not in the back! Did she just disappear? The driver's curiosity that he just wanted to find out, he got out of the car and came to the door that didn't close, "Did that woman just walk away so fast, or is she just ......" He was going to break down, and just as he was about to get out of here, a bloody hand patted him on the shoulder, he looked back and the woman stood in front of him covered in blood and spoke.
"Master! Please don't park next time you park next to the ditch ......"
Mastodon Phone
Previously, when you made a phone call, the number wasn't like the one you press nowadays, it was with a finger inserted into a disc with holes in it with a dial. Talking about once upon a time once upon a time ......
The phone number of Xiao Ming's house was 444-4444, and there were often strange calls ..... One day at 12 midnight, the phone rang, Xiaoming picked up the microphone. The person on the other end of the line said in a miserable voice, "Excuse me, is this 444-4444? Can you call 911 for me? I'm so miserable! ......." Ming: "Go find someone else to help you, don't come to me!" The man: "I can only call 444-4444, I can't call anyone else." Xiao Ming was scared to death and quickly hung up the phone, can only call to 444-4444? Is it a ghost? After a while the phone rang again, Xiao Ming did not dare to answer, but the phone kept ringing .... Xiao Ming had to pick up the phone. The man: "Excuse me, is this 444-4444? Can you call the police for me at 119? I am so miserable! ...... My finger is stuck in the phone dialing hole!"
Ghosts
Two men were walking home from a Halloween costume party...
When they passed a cemetery, they were tempted to walk through it. Halfway across the cemetery, they were startled by a knock-knock-knock sound. The sound was coming from a dark place and they were trembling with fear, and then they found an old man with a chisel in his hand, chiseling a gravestone. One of the men said: "My God. Sir, we thought you were a ghost, what are you doing here at this hour of the night?" The old man cursed: 'Damn, they spelled my name wrong.!!!!"
Ghost Fire
On a dark night, a man was rushing through the night, passing a graveyard. The breeze was blowing and the sounds around him were rustling, which made the man's sweaty hairs stand on end and his scalp crawl. At that moment, he suddenly realized that there was a little red fire in the distance, which appeared and disappeared.
The first thing he thought of was "ghost fire". So he picked up a stone and threw it at the light. The fire flew to the back of another grave. He was even more afraid, so he picked up another stone and threw it at the fire, only to see the bright light fly toward another grave.
At this point, he was close to collapse. So, picked up another stone and threw it towards the bright light. At that moment, he only heard a voice from behind the grave: "Damn, who is it? Who is it? You can't even let people have a good time taking a shit. A bag of cigarettes effort threw me three times."
The Doll
There was a taxi driver who worked at a taxi company. Late one night he was driving through a very desolate area, surrounded by darkness; suddenly he saw a building in the wasteland in front of him, with dim lights on. He was wondering when here up such a building, he saw a lady on the side of the road to sit in his car to go home, the lady sat in the car, he closed the door, began to drive, after a while, he felt very strange, why the lady did not speak, the results of his rear-view mirror to see, which is what the lady, there is only a doll sitting there, he was scared to death, grabbed the doll to the window and threw it out, and went home, he was sick! He grabbed the doll and threw it out the window, and went home sick for three months.
...
...
...
...
After he got better, he went back to work at the cab company, and his coworkers said to him, "You're not nice enough. A pretty lady came by and complained that she was going to ride in your car last time, and then you closed the door and drove away just as she threw her doll in.