A: I want to remind you that my husband will be back in an hour. B: But I didn’t do anything rude. A: I know. If you want to do something, there's less than an hour left.

A: Did your wife make a big fuss last night? B: Yes, she is angry at the dog. A: Poor dog! I thought I heard your wife even threatening to take away the key to the door!

Lina failed to get pregnant, so she went to church to pray. A year later, she gave birth to a son. After learning about it, a friend also wanted to give it a try. Lina said: No problem, as long as the young janitor is still there.

There is a female bear in the mountain, and the hunter wants to catch her. In the first battle, the hunter was defeated and raped by a bear! Take a few days off, fight again, and get raped again! After recovering from his injuries, when he went back, Xiong laughed wildly: Are you here for hunting or prostitution?

An old lady cannot read, but she must listen to the weather forecast every day. One day during dinner, I asked my family: I have a question, where is the local area? It rains almost every day there.

An old farmer went to the city to see a doctor. The nurse said to him: Go! Blood test, urine test, stool test! After a while, the old farmer came back with a basin of feces and said: My daughter, I swallowed blood and urine. I really can’t swallow this shit!

Two farm children were chatting, and A suddenly asked: Do your cows smoke? B: Are you crazy? How can a cow smoke? A: Oh, then, maybe your cowshed is on fire.

There is a long queue in front of the toilet. Mr. X: I can’t hold it in anymore. Can you let me go first? The person in front clenched his fists and squeezed out a sentence through his teeth: Damn it, at least you can still speak!

A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch. A policeman came over and asked: What happened? The drunk man replied: I don’t know, I just arrived too!

Wife: Do you remember last February, when you said you went fishing? Husband: Of course I remember, what’s the matter? Wife: A fish called me this morning and said that you have become a father!

Patient: As soon as I entered, I heard the nurse say, ‘Be brave, don’t be afraid! Appendiceal surgery is very simple. ’ Doctor: That’s right. Patient: But she said this to the doctor who was going to operate on me!

Passenger: Your drivers here drive at amazing speeds, but they rarely get into accidents. What’s the reason? The driver said: Sir, the unskilled driver died in the car accident long ago.

A patient asked the doctor before going to the operating table: Once the operation fails, will you be punished for it? The doctor replied: I will deduct one month’s bonus. But don’t worry, I just made 4,000 yuan from stock trading!

A patient who had just woken up from an amputation operation asked: What happened to me? Doctor: You were in a car accident. Patient: Am I in the hospital? Doctor's answer: To be precise, most of your body is in the hospital.

Xiaoguang is a part-time student, cutting pork during the day and working in the hospital at night. One night he pushed a critically ill old woman into the operating room. The old woman screamed: You are a pig butcher! Where are you going to push me? help!

A colleague suffered from kidney stones and was resting at home. His 4-year-old son asked what kidney stones were. He said that stones come out when he urinates. His son worriedly said: Dad, please spread your feet when you pee. Don't hit it!

After I was arrested, they forced me to confess. They beat me on the first day but I couldn't do it; on the second day they poured pepper water on me but they couldn't do it on me; on the third day a woman coaxed me into doing it; on the fourth day I tried to do it again, but I was dragged out and shot.

Man: I really love you, but a young lady is pregnant, so I have to say it was me. Wife: I absolutely believe it’s not you. Take a closer look at our child. How does it look like you?

Two female staff members chatted during lunch. A: The new chairman is so handsome and well-dressed. B: No, I put on my clothes very quickly.

Bangbang took a cucumber and wolfed it down next to him. When his mother saw it, she said to Bangbang: You can’t eat cucumber butts! Bangbang immediately replied: Does it want to poop?

Dumb saw a man sitting tremblingly on a gasoline barrel, so he went over and asked: Brother, do you want to help? The man shook his head and said: No, I have to do this alone.

After returning home, A, a former soldier, shouted in his dream every day: Ah Zhen! I can not leave you! The wife asked who A-Zhen was, and A said it was his war horse. A few days later, the wife gave A a letter: Your war horse wrote to you!

When a leader gave a report on learning Lei Feng’s spirit, he read from the manuscript and said: Lei Feng is not dead! (Audience laughs) The secretary whispered from the side: There is still spirit, there is still spirit! The leader continued: Still energetic!

A woman took a check to the bank and cashed it. Teller: Can you prove it's you? The woman was confused and took out a mirror and looked at it. Answer: That's right! It's me!

Judge: You claim that the defendant stole money from your stockings? Girl: Yes, your honor. Judge: Then why didn’t you resist? The girl blushed and replied: I didn't know he wanted to steal my money. A collection of hilarious online classics

1. A man’s greatest skill is to indulge his girlfriend to the point that no other man can stand it.

2. I feel very painful when you leave. I will be the only one who smells the farts from now on.

3. Don’t praise me, really, especially don’t praise me for being handsome. I’m afraid I can’t stand it and will have to follow you for the rest of my life.

4. Use your roommate’s phone to search for something, and see an article in the search history about how to rape your roommate? My face turned green with fear at that time!

5. People who speak dirty words are usually covering up their inner integrity.

6. Every woman who has failed to lose weight for a long time has a best friend who has been unable to gain weight for many years.

7. If there is an afterlife, I will be a quilt, either lying on the bed or basking in the sun!

8. The tragedy of life is that when you want to cut two sides, there is only one knife.

9. Your complex facial features cannot hide your simple IQ.

10. Teacher, Xiaogang has to ask for leave tomorrow because he may be sick tomorrow.

11. I never hold grudges, and I usually avenge them on the spot.

12. I am a student with unlimited potential. I can finish my National Day homework in three hours, but this is a fucking passive skill and can only be activated on the night of October 7th.

13. Why are you so ignorant? Your uncle is here, why would you think of going to the zoo to see bears?

14. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.

15. It’s not that I have a dark psychology, I just feel that the air is polluted It was made by those mask manufacturers.

16. First line: I didn’t bring my student ID card, admission ticket, and ID card. Second line: I didn’t do the listening, reading, and composition questions. Horizontal batch: The emphasis is on participation.

17. One day while shopping without glasses, I saw a handsome and familiar man. I wanted to go over and see who it was. It turned out to be a mirror.

18. Heehee and Haha are good friends, very good friends. One day, Haha died. Hehe was very sad. He walked to Haha's grave and said: Haha, you are dead.

19. The so-called pig-like roommate is probably when I caught a cold and asked him to come back and bring me a box of White and Black, and he brought me a pack of Oreos.

20. If I were Ma Liang, the magic pen, I would draw a well, put you in it, and draw a cover.

21. That day, the teacher asked me why I slept in class. I replied that the doctor said that I had to sleep after taking medicine.

22. In the chemistry experiment class, the teacher asked me: Add barium? No barium? I immediately shouted: Rob the landlord! I felt that the teacher would never love me again. The teacher shouted: I'll steal it!

23. Don’t be afraid, children, I will let anyone fail your class!

24. After staying among the nervous people for a long time, I found that I am normal.

25. I am so lonely that even my desires have been shaken off by me.

26.Give me a pair of chopsticks. I could eat the entire planet.

27. You see, there are always so many things that make you sad: ups and downs, joys and sorrows, impotence and premature ejaculation

28. Don’t be overconfident in yourself, you can take care of yourself There are more people than you can imagine.

29. For girls, gaining a few pounds is not so scary. What is scary is that the bitch bestie has lost weight again.

30. Sometimes I feel that I have become ugly. When I take out my ID card, I find that I am worrying too much.

31. Life is like Angry Birds. When you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing.

32. Don’t say that the world has abandoned you, the world has no time to care about you.

33. Forgiving him is a matter of God, and my task is to send him to see God.

34. What makes me happy is when I wake up in the morning and think I have grown taller, but when I take a closer look, it turns out that the quilt cover is horizontal.

35. Your father and I are free-range farmers on the grassland. After eating grasshoppers when you are hungry, not all chickens are called time chickens.

36. You said you were willing to grow old with me, but no, I want to have black hair.

37. If you are really hungry, call me and I will chew some snacks for you.

38. There are generally only two types of people who pay too much attention to me, one is those who have a crush on me, and the other are those who plot against me.

39. I am looking for lost memories to speak human language! I am reviewing

40. The world is so chaotic, who can I pretend to be innocent?

41. No matter how awesome the If You Are the One female guest is, she can only put out one man's lamp, but the aunt downstairs in the dormitory can put out the whole floor!

42. In this ruthless age, if you want to If someone misses you, the best way is to not pay them back!

43. As long as we have self-confidence, everything is possible.

44. Half of my life is bad luck, and the other half is dealing with bad luck.

45. I always feel that if the bed is laid out too neatly, it will make you spend your old age peacefully. Well, it's still messy and more energetic.

46. During the exam, I originally wanted to stir-fry the salted fish, his grandma’s, but unexpectedly it stuck to the pan.

47. If you don’t have medical insurance or life insurance, don’t act bravely after dark.

48. I often wake up from my dreams because I had a hungry dream, a very hungry dream.

49. Face is something external to the body, you can want it or not. Money is a necessary thing, you have to have it.

50. I am so tired that I want to cut the back of my head and then collapse on the ground to put the piggy bank.

51. I told myself a good night story. The plot has ups and downs and is exciting. Now I am too deep into the drama and still tracking down the murderer and I don’t feel sleepy at all.

52. If you do military training, it will be a sunny day. If you have a holiday, it will be a rainy day. If you work hard on your homework, it will be the day before school starts!

53. The teacher always tells us not to lie, and teaches us how to lie as soon as we come to the superior for inspection.

54. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultraman. But when we saw the boss, we ran away because we didn’t bring the summoner.

55. If you give me a smile, I will smile back to you. This is not a friendly greeting, but just to let you know: I look better when I smile than you do.

56. Getting married is of course a good thing, but being addicted is troublesome.

57. The country is like a painted skin, and life is like a wet dream.

58. Don’t say that others have brain disease. The prerequisite for brain disease is that you must have a brain.

59. Is it okay to compete for reputation without steaming steamed buns?

60. Don’t be as optimistic as a fart, thinking that you can shake the world.

61. The BBK lighter doesn’t light anywhere.

62. Men cannot be spoiled, the more they are spoiled, the more they become jerks. Women have to be pampered, and the more pampered they are, the better they are, and they belong to others.

63. The ones you wear are more dangerous than the others, and the ones you wear are safer than the others

64. The garden is full of spring scenery and I can’t keep it in, so I lure the red apricots out of the wall.

65. I am a special person, I am an ordinary person, so I am a particularly ordinary person.

66. Mom said: Even if you are jealous, you have to pretend to be jealous and don’t let others look down on you.

67. There must be a road in front of the mountain, and I can’t stop even if there is a road.

68. Why are you grabbing your chicken feet and pointing at me? Do you know that I like pickled pepper flavor and not scum flavor?

69. The happiest thing to hear when going to school is: The head teacher is not here today.

70. Every time you say that I am not independent enough, I choose to remain silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it's time for you to get out.

Funny quotes that can make people laugh to death

Funny quotes that can make people laugh to death

1. I am very strong and become more courageous with every setback: I was dumped 28 times, but I am still alive

2. I love my parents very much, and I hope you will support me: I regard money as my parents, and I hope you can satisfy me

3. I am a sunny girl: as black as charcoal< /p>

4. I have an indomitable will: after eating and chatting for five hours with a friend, the friend finally checked out and left

5. I hope you can put every day into Tell me what you see and hear: Monitor your itinerary every day

6. My appearance meets the standards of being a wife: too beautiful women make people worry, but my wife just looks pleasing to the eye

7. I have a very burly body and give people the impression of an elder brother: Wu Song’s eldest brother Wu Dalang

8. I have been nurtured at Tsinghua University for many years, which has shaped my cultural taste today: at Tsinghua University A street stall is set up at the school gate

9. In my spare time, I like to study history, especially the history of the Qing Dynasty: I am a loyal fan of "The Legend of Zhen Huan"

10. I really like to read that kind of ethics of life Movies: All kinds of pirated porn films

11. I often interact with people from the upper class: I have been warned many times to strictly prohibit street stalls at the school entrance

12. I am very enthusiastic and often Caring about people's lives: Let's see who forgets to close the window when they go out

13. I heard that someone wants to eat or drink me, so I want to go outside to be quiet: the police are coming to arrest me, so I have to hide for a while

14. People at my level are very reluctant to take trains: I often ride a three-wheeler to sell Tianjin marijuana flowers

15. I am very perceptive, and my ex-girlfriend gave me to her Flowers were placed on a pile of wild dung, and I understood immediately

16. Female: The ancients said that a woman’s lack of talent is a virtue, and I fit this point perfectly: I dropped out of elementary school in the third grade

17. Others praise you for your good cooking skills: because you don’t want to try every dish several times

18. I hope you like food as much as I do and like to show off your skills in the kitchen: I like food but If you don’t know how to do it, it’s best if you can cook

19. I don’t mind if you are busy with work and are away from home for ten and a half months: this way I can play as you like and occasionally stay up all night

20. A man’s gentlemanly demeanor is not to appreciate you, but to show himself

21. God likes to watch the news and take away Michael Wallace. God likes music to take away Michael Jackson. God likes to watch the news and take away Michael Jackson. I like A Chinese Ghost Story took away Leslie Cheung

22. I asked why I lost my wife, but it turns out you were hiding in your mommy’s belly

23. They say love is Poison, why do so many people drink this cup of poison again and again

24. My advantages are: actively admitting mistakes, my shortcomings: never repent

25. Boys’ Quitting smoking is the same as losing weight for women. The more you lose weight, the fatter you gain, and the more you quit smoking, the more you smoke

26. I came to this world bravely, but I have no intention of going back alive

27 , Life is like an angry bird. When you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing

28. Since you have chosen a fat man, don’t expect the bird to fall in love with you

29 , a b, going north is nb, going south is

30. It doesn’t matter if you are not smart, why should you learn to be bald?

31. Women’s sorrow: big My aunt has abandoned me, let alone a man

32. To pay the second generation is to pay the mortgage and car loan

33. Forgiving you is a matter of God, I can only see you God

34. Winter is no longer cold, because we have the Beijing subway, which runs twice a day, which can definitely warm you up

35. Don’t think you are a VIP, in fact your IP does not count , you are just a person

36. If you leave, I will never shed tears, open my eyes wide in the wind and never blink

37. In love, age was a big problem , now in love, gender is the problem

38. You are the only export link to my homepage, but I am one of your many friendly links

39. Are you tired of living? , this proves that you are alive, and comfort is for the dead

40. The farthest distance in the world is not separated by Yin and Yang, and you got on the subway and I didn't.

41. For your Audi, for my Dior, for our children’s Oreos, work hard

42. Every time we clean, the teacher says, "The school is my home." Every time I am late, the teacher says "You think school is your home" Funny jokes that make people laugh to death

1. Now, let's ask Director Liu to sing "Goodbye" for everyone. Although he was lip-syncing, Eunuch Liu still held the microphone meticulously and pretended to be very involved: I'm afraid I won't have the chance to say goodbye to you, because maybe I will never see you again... The first part went very well, The audience burst into applause.

Unexpectedly, the disc skipping phenomenon occurred during the repeat: I'm afraid I don't have a chance...I don't have a chance...I don't have a chance...Eunuch Liu, died

2. Anpanman hasn't saved the world for a long time. He saw a boy in red lying hungry on the road. He immediately landed and asked, "Kid, what's wrong with you?" The boy in red said, "I'm hungry." Anpanman was overjoyed and finally had the chance to let him be a hero. , without saying a word, he stretched out his hand: "Come on!" The boy in red smiled strangely and took a bite. After a while, Anpanman was digested in front of the boy. The boy said proudly: "Of course the world will be saved by my lucky Superman."

The three or three die-hard fans went to heaven. God saw their loyalty and rewarded each of them with a trip back in time to watch their country's national football team live. Classic fighter opportunity. Brazilian fans thought over and over again and chose the 1958 World Cup final; German fans thought over and over again and asked to go back to the pinnacle of the summer in Italy; Chinese fans said without hesitation Wulihe, Oman, God is angry, "Nah, are you still going? This game More than 800,000 people have been sent this year! ”

4. When we just watched the total lunar eclipse, a boy played the guitar and sang affectionately to the girl next to him, “Go and think about it, go and see.” At first glance, the moon represents my heart. "The girl said: "Stop singing, your heart has been eaten by the dog." 5. He grabbed his hand and prayed: Let me cum again. Just once! I'm doing this for your own good! He shook his head angrily: No! You knock me out every time! Him: But you...can't do it! What a waste of time. He rubbed his hands and smiled: Hehe, but don't I have you, Conan? How about... you tell Uncle Kogoro the answer, and he will tell the police officer himself. Conan: ...Kogoro raised his finger: Otherwise, I will not marry my daughter to you, a long-term cutesy criminal!

6. Xiangbei High School Basketball Practice Ground: The gorilla has not appeared yet. He is in the changing room struggling with which team uniform to wear. Rukawa Kaede took out a bag of snacks from his bag, handed it to Sakuragi, and whispered: "Here." Sakuragi rolled his eyes at him: "Big idiot." Then Rukawa moved to Haruko and winked. : "Well, well, Haruko, Haruko, I want to drink the milk like last time." Haruko was furious, took out a bag of milk and stuffed it heavily into Rukawa's mouth, and said evilly: "Disappear from my eyes quickly!" < /p>

7. Ouyang Feng grabbed a soft whip and filled it with internal energy. It was as straight as an iron rod and he stabbed the old naughty boy in the head. The old naughty boy laughed loudly, smacked his palm in the flash of lightning, and stroked the whip. The whip trembled like an electric shock, and then hung down softly. Ouyang Feng was shocked: How did you crack my internal power? The old naughty boy said: After being a bachelor all his life, he has become familiar with this trick.

8. She, a patriotic young woman who had low self-esteem due to her appearance, met a magic lantern on her journey and said, "Girl, I can grant you two wishes." "I want to become beautiful, and I want to return to the Qing Dynasty!" So she got She went to Korea for plastic surgery and traveled to the Qing Dynasty. Her beauty impressed the emperor and he was named a concubine. The emperor said, "I can give you everything!" "I just ask the emperor to regain Korea." "I promise you." Then she changed back to her original appearance.

9. Now let’s ask Director Liu to sing "Goodbye" for everyone. Although he was lip-syncing, Eunuch Liu still held the microphone meticulously and pretended to be very involved: I'm afraid that I won't have the chance to say goodbye to you, because maybe I will never see you again... The first part went very well, The audience burst into applause. Unexpectedly, disc skipping occurred during the repeat: I'm afraid I don't have a chance... I don't have a chance... I don't have a chance... Eunuch Liu, died

10. The princess kissed the frog, and the princess turned into a frog. The princess and the frog were The prince frog lived happily together until one day they were eaten by a snake.

11. A certain otaku traveled to Maweipo in the 16th year of Tianbao. He heard that the emperor passed by here last year and killed a Yang or something. He couldn't help but feel very sorry. After asking everyone, I finally found an isolated tomb, so I spent money to repair it and secretly prayed: Yang Meimei, you have a spirit in heaven. Remember to come and talk to me tonight. That night, when the otaku was sleeping soundly, he suddenly saw a big man breaking into the door and saying, "Ganjun, please collect my bones. Yang Guozhong is here to repay his kindness!"

12. In his previous life, he was a fat man and vowed to eat all the delicious food in the world. Before this wish could be fulfilled, he passed away due to eating too much. At the last minute, he couldn't help but sigh: "I won't be a human being in my next life. I will become a god who can eat all the delicacies in the world and never be full!" Given a chance to start over, he ran towards a new life with joy. As a result, it turns out that he has just become a plate for serving food!

13. Russell looked at the banner that said "Warmly welcome Chairman Russell to lead the Barcelona delegation to visit the Bird's Nest" and expressed displeasure. "You know, I hate that bird the most, and I hope that my visit will enable Barcelona to breed more Barcelona fans in China and allow Barcelona’s football culture to blossom in China.” With a stroke of a pen, the organizer changed the banner to read: Warmly welcome Chairman Rosell to lead the Barcelona delegation. ovaries.

14. Bai Yutang: "Zhan Zhao, we five rats in the world dislike you the most as a royal cat, but your martial arts skills are not just for boasting. Your ability to fly over walls and fly over walls was appreciated by the emperor. He was named the Royal Cat because of it." Zhan Zhao: "Brother Bai, we have a very close personal relationship. My original intention of learning Kung Fu was actually because I had a crush on a girl next door, so I wanted to learn Kung Fu secretly. One look at her and masturbate.

"

15. Xiao Ming: "You know, every card has a story. For example, one card is actually a princess who was cursed by her jealous mother and turned into a bird, which is imprinted on the card. As long as you kiss it and push it down on the card table, it will become a princess." The fish head was dazzled when he heard this: "Really or not? "So he took out the card, kissed it, and pushed it on the card table. Xiao Ming: "Hu! "

16. After Xiao Ming died, he traveled to Li Bai and was very happy every day. One day when he was enjoying the scenery by the river, he said to the boatman: I am Li Bai. The boatman was overjoyed and invited him on board. Xiao Ming I thought of a poem about Li Bai I saw in my previous life that fit this scene, so I shouted out: Li Bai didn't pay for the boat ride, so the boatman kicked him off the boat. The water in Peach Blossom Beach was a thousand feet deep, and I didn't know whether Li Bai was dead or not. The boatman was furious and kicked him out. Xiao Ming kicked the water and said: How dare a rough man pretend to be Li Bai?

17. A certain otaku traveled to Maweipo in the 16th year of Tianbao. I heard that the emperor passed by here last year and killed a Yang. I couldn't help but feel very regretful. After asking around, I finally found an isolated grave, so I spent money to repair it and secretly prayed: Yang Meimei, you have a soul in heaven. Remember to come and talk to me tonight.

That night, when the otaku was sleeping soundly, he suddenly saw a big man breaking into the door and saying, "Ganjun, please collect my bones. Yang Guozhong is here to repay his kindness!"