One day, the trouble disappeared. The robber came to the public security bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police, "hello, I'm a robber." I am looking for trouble with a kitchen knife. "
Hee hee and haha are good friends, very good friends.
One day, haha died. Hee hee is very sad. He went to Haha's grave and said, "Haha, you are dead."
One day, an elephant was walking in the forest and accidentally touched an ant nest full of ants. It shook off the ants, but one remained on the elephant's neck. At this time, the ants on the ground shouted to the ants above: strangle it ... strangle it. ......
Three mice are bragging. One said, "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." Another person said, "I like walking in the street twice a day, otherwise I won't sleep well." The third mouse said, "It's getting late. Go home and hug the cat to sleep."
The husband and wife divorced for their children, and the wife confidently said, "If the child comes out of my stomach, it certainly belongs to me!" " The husband said, "Joke! This is complete nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM go to the ATM? It's not about who inserted the card! ?
Chinese zodiac
The folk Chinese zodiac in China is also a topic of great interest to westerners. Everyone wants to know what animal he belongs to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belonging to" Hemingway are often confused.
One day, he excitedly said to the secretary girl, "You are a pig."
It is too difficult for Hemingway to describe the sex of animals with "female" or "male" in Chinese, because in English, both male and female can be used to describe people or animals.
One night, Hemingway took her dog for a walk in the street. After seeing me, he proudly introduced to me: "This is my bitch."
helmet
Besides driving, Hemingway usually likes riding a motorcycle, saying it is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He replied: it doesn't matter, I will wear a condom. He wanted to say "helmet"
Metric words
Quantifiers in Chinese also give Hemingway a headache. Once he flaunted himself as a "hero" and asked him what he meant. He said, "A hero means a thin, tall and good-looking person." He explained that "one" naturally means long and straight, and "hero" should naturally be a good-looking person.
Another time he told me that he saw "a puppy" on the road. I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he seriously retorted that it was really a puppy, because the puppy was run over by a car, and the squashed puppy naturally became a puppy, just like a piece of paper and a photo.
In addition, such as what "a pair of pants", Hemingway plausibly argued that because pants have two legs, and the two are a pair, that's right. Even arguing with China people and insisting that this should be a "set of ass" is logical, which sounds ridiculous.
All kinds of "juice"
Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: "Rack one's brains".
The result is:
Rack your brains, milk, juice and soup.
Ha! "You really racked your brains and didn't come up with a way to' rack your brains'.
A mother said to a little girl, "If someone sexually harasses you, touch the top and say" No ",touch the bottom and say" Stop "! 」
The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back crying for her mother. After the little girl listened, her mother said angrily, "Did you refuse that man?" 」
The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That man touched me up and down, so I said," Don't stop! ! 」
Ge Liang is proficient in eight special skills, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing with Liu Bei in his account, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.
I am afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. Sorry, he had an idea and said, "Master, how about I ask you to adjust the atmosphere like a woodpecker?" Liu Bei nodded.
Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "master, what's the matter?" Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Let's learn it again."
You farted too loudly, I didn't hear you. "
A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time, and he was particularly nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn.
The pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited is: Red Leaf Madness (Maple). . . . . 。” ~ ~ # RMB * * ......
As a primary school student, I was particularly envious when I saw the teacher assign students to read compositions. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. The opportunity has finally come.
"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!"
Pupils suddenly stood up: "My teacher". Teacher, I am more like your mother ...
This time, I am a host of a song and dance troupe who is not proficient in learning.
At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready.
The performance is in turn.
It's her turn to announce the curtain call: "Audience friends, let's listen to Du Zi flute ..." (Note: "Du Zi" means swearing in Northeast dialect)
The audience threw out a piece of #-
My family often grows green onions in flowerpots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.
When my sister came home for the New Year, she saw it and said happily to her mother, "Hey! Mom, it's too difficult ... "
My mother and I both laughed.
There is a neighbor named "Auntie" who goes to work by bike every day.
I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely, "Grandma, Daban ..."
Bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.
One day, classmate Anonymous felt sorry for himself and suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair nice?"
He was startled and said, "Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."
Everybody stand up! Raise the national flag and play the national anthem. ...
I take my son to feed the ducks. He ran after the duck while spreading bread crumbs, and I ran after him with his apple (he didn't like it, so I had to eat a few more bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept calling him, "Come and eat an apple and chase ducks!" " "Always repeating this sentence, I finally shouted:" Come and have a bite of duck. " ..... "Then skillfully stepped on the brakes.
I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it. When one of my female classmates read aloud, she also read aloud: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on it. . .
The whole class was stunned.
There is also a sentence from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?
Zhuge Liang is proficient in eight stunts, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing with Liu Bei in his account, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.
I am afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. Sorry, he had an idea and said, "Master, how about I ask you to adjust the atmosphere like a woodpecker?" Liu Bei nodded.
Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "master, what's the matter?" Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Let's learn it again."
You farted too loudly, I didn't hear you. "
Electrical appliances hold a joke competition, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke to make everyone at the scene laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba
Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the household appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold! "
Electrical appliances hold a joke competition, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke to make everyone at the scene laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba
Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the household appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold! "
Electrical appliances hold a joke competition, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke to make everyone at the scene laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba
Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the household appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold! "
Ugly child
A woman got on the bus with a child in her arms. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said, "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!" " "
The angry woman went to the last row, sat down and said to a man next to her, "This driver just insulted me!" " "
The man replied, "You go and get even with him at once, and I'll catch this ugly monkey for you!"! ……"
A joke that you can't speak Mandarin well.
1, the fish seller shouted at the top of his lungs, "fish, fish." Not to be outdone, a jujube seller nearby immediately shouted, "Shit (jujube), shit (jujube)." "Fish." "Oh, no! "Fish. ""damn it. " The more fish sellers listen, the more wrong they are. He felt that the jujube seller seemed to be deliberately targeting him, so they quarreled.
The head of a township enterprise will visit Kobe, Japan. He doesn't even speak Mandarin, but he usually only speaks dialects. So he sent his subordinates to find translators. When they came back, they reported that "none of the Japanese translators could understand the dialect of the factory director". The factory director said, "It's very simple. We will invite another teacher from our town to translate our dialect into Mandarin first. " The subordinate said, "Not yet. When I arrived in Japan, I had to ask someone to translate Japanese Mandarin into Kobe dialect. "
A foreigner with a strong dialect got lost in this city. When he saw a gentle young lady coming, he greeted him and asked, "Rabbit (comrade), give me a kiss (sorry). . . . . 。” Before the words were finished, the young lady flushed with anger.
4. A southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing and said to the waitress, "How much is it to sleep for one night (a bowl of jiaozi)?" Hearing this, the waiter changed his face and screamed, "Rogue!" Hearing this, the southerner said, "It's only sixty cents, which is cheap. Come for one night (bowl). "
5. A farmer brother and sister used a scooter to pull the wheat to the market and sell it. A southerner came to their brother and sister and asked, "Brother, how much is your little sister?" Big brother was so angry that the veins stood out on his forehead.
6. Niu Laobo is shouting loudly: "The moon cakes are sold, for four dollars and ten." Many people gathered around to buy this "cheap" moon cake, and when they paid, they realized that the moon cake for the elderly was four yuan for ten yuan.
The old people in the nursing home held a party on the night of Mid-Autumn Festival. The host, Mrs. Wang, said, "Ladies and gentlemen, this performance is terrible. Please be quiet. "
8. A northerner asked where the "cable car" was in a park in Guangzhou. He searched according to the answer and found the "men's room".
9. On the first morning after a couple got married, the family got up and washed their faces. The bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law, "Mother-in-law, please die first." After that, the bride said to the groom, "My mother-in-law is dead, will you die?" After a pause, he said, "My mother-in-law and you both died, and finally I died." Mother-in-law was livid after hearing this and couldn't say a word. The bride said, "Mother-in-law, why are you still alive?"
10, an old lady in Putian sells sugar cane on the roadside. A bus stopped and a foreigner on the bus came to the old lady's booth to buy sugar cane. Just after weighing the sugar cane, the car started without paying. The old lady urged, "Come on, give me the money and I'll marry you." Outsiders were so scared that they didn't even take sugar cane, so they quickly got on the bus.
1 1. A country girl came to the supermarket and the waiter greeted her warmly: "What do you want, miss?" The girl said, "I want your life (noodles), pig grandson (bamboo shoots)."
12, Chunhua met a friend who was shopping with her son. She hurried forward to say hello and praised: "This little wolf (boy) is really cute."
13, a rural primary school was in class, and the teacher came into the classroom: "Stand (sit in) for class." The students said in unison, "It's good to be old and dead!" The teacher said, "Students, it's good to die early!" "
14, two country girls came back from the city. It's getting late. When they saw a truck coming, they waved to it. The driver leaned out and a girl said, "Comrade, can we be your wife (car)?" The driver said angrily, "Who wants you to be my wife?" Another girl quickly said, "It doesn't matter, we are very close." The driver was very angry. He drove away and thought, "Who wants to go with you?"
15, the village chief said at the villagers' meeting: "Rabbits, shrimps and pickles are too expensive, not pickles, but pig's trotters." Translate his dialect into Mandarin: Comrades and villagers, let's have a meeting now. Don't talk, but pay attention.
When my friends and I first moved, there was no TV at home, so we were bored. Let's pretend that there is a TV set on the desk, and then two people pretend that they have a remote control and can change channels. This son of a bitch keeps changing channels. I told him, but he wouldn't listen. Then we started fighting.
The teacher asked Xiaoming questions in class, but Xiaoming stood up without saying a word.
Teacher: Xiaoming?
Teacher: Xiaoming
Teacher: Xiaoming! What's the matter with you? Do you know the answer? At least let me know!
Xiaoming: Chi ~
Three rabbits poop.
The first one is only very long.
The second one is just spherical.
The third one is actually a triangle.
Asked, it replied: I pinched it with my hand.
Cows are called sheep,
The sheep asked, "Who are you?"
The cow said, "I am a cow."
The sheep asked, Shit, who are you?
Bull: Shit, I am a cow.
Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a dark shadow passed by and Pig Bajie hurriedly carried a rake.
After chasing him out, he came back after a while and said, damn it, Yang Liwei. ......
A man kept a parrot. The parrot was so strong that all the other birds in it were killed by it.
Later, the owner brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.
The host said, "Not this time."
But on closer inspection, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really something. If you don't take off your arm, you can't beat Yating. "
The prisoner was shot. The first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullet, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, big brother, you strangled me! It's so fucking scary .....
Have you ever heard the joke that the big pig said yes and the little pig said no? Most people will answer no.
I recommend some classic Flash to the landlord!
1, Bullying Miss 1860
Watch address:/watch/watch/391743.html.
5, pig pig classic dialogue
Check the address:/b/1650 5519-1555734242.html.
Today, I played CS in the Internet cafe. Not far away, there are two non-mainstream players playing hard. 5. Press the keyboard with a bang! I am very distressed!
So, I also started to press the keyboard! I pressed hard! Press hard! Press faster than them! Louder than them!
They couldn't help looking over. I gave them a contemptuous look on purpose! They changed their faces and gave me a hard look! I'll stare back at you right away!
They continued to play with livid faces, but the noise exceeded mine!
Would I want to? So, I just beat the keyboard with my palm! Clap hard! Clap hard!
Those two guys stopped playing and started typing! It's louder than me again!
How can I stop? Knock on the keyboard with your fist at once! Strike hard! Strike hard!
The two men looked at each other and began to hit the keyboard! The noise has surpassed me again! I won't give up! Tear off the keyboard! Just throw it on the ground! I stepped on it hard Step hard!
Everyone in the internet cafe gave me the warmest applause! Those two non-mainstream idiots are at a loss!
However, under my provocative eyes, they are also angry! They also ripped off the keyboard! Throw it on the ground and step on it! Then they looked at me defiantly!
At this time, the network management of the Internet cafe surrounded them! A webmaster looked at the broken keyboard and slapped it! Then the network administrators swarmed in! Beat up two non-mainstream people!
Finally, two non-mainstream people were lying on the ground, and one of them pointed weakly at me and asked, "Why didn't you ... hit him?"
A webmaster kicked in the past: "People play CS with their own keyboards!"
Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a dark shadow passed by and Pig Bajie hurriedly carried a rake.
After chasing him out, he came back after a while and said, damn it, Yang Liwei. ......
One day on the bus, a lady left her seat to buy a ticket. When she came back, she found that her seat was occupied by another woman, so she was very reluctant and said loudly, I can't lay eggs, but it is quite fast. When the woman sitting in the seat heard this, she quickly stood up and said with a smile, I'm sorry for delaying your lower berth!
A man kept a parrot. The parrot was so strong that all the other birds in it were killed by it.
Later, the owner brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.
The host said, "Not this time."
But on closer inspection, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really something. If you don't take off your arm, you can't beat Yating. "
A driver is driving a truck full of hens, teasing his parrot while driving. When a beautiful woman got on a bus, the driver put the parrot and hen in the box and invited the beautiful woman to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver tentatively asked the beauty, "May I kiss you?" The beauty shook her head very shyly and said, "No." After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked, "Can you give me a hug?" The beauty still shook her head and said, "No." The driver said angrily, "If you can't, go down." After driving for a while, the driver felt that his behavior was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and invited the beautiful woman to get on the bus. But after driving for a while, the driver asked, "May I kiss you?" Beauty still shook her head. "Can I have a hug?" Beauty still shook her head. "If you can't, go down." This has been repeated three times and finally arrived at the chicken farm. The driver opened the suitcase and saw that there were few hens in Miu Miu. Only the parrot mentioned a hen and asked, "Can a beautiful woman kiss me?" The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked, "Can you hug me?" The hen still shook her head. The parrot said, "If you can't, go down." The hen was thrown out of the car. ......
The little white rabbit met a wolf while walking in the forest. He came over and gave the rabbit two big ear stickers, saying, "I told you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit left very grievance.
The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the wolf again. He came over and gave the white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I told you to wear a hat."
Tu Tu was depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.
After explaining the situation, the tiger said, "OK, I see. I will take care of this matter, so please trust the organization." On the same day, the tiger found its partner wolf. "It is wrong for you to do so. This is very difficult for me. " Then he wiped the dust that fell on the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat to eat! She found the fat one, and you said you wanted the thin one. She found the thin one. You said you wanted the fat one. So you can hit her. Of course, you can also say that. Tutu, come and find me a woman. She found the plump one, and you said you liked the slim one. She found the slim one, and you said you liked the plump one. You can beat her. Reasonable and powerful. "The wolf nodded and clapped his hands, and the reverence for the tiger once again reached a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were heard by the little white rabbit weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I hate this in my heart.
The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence! It's the big bad wolf coming. The wolf said, "Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat." Tu Tu said, "So, do you want to be fat or thin?" When the wolf heard this, his heart sank and he became happy again. He said, fortunately, there is a plan B. He added, "Tu Tu, Mary, find me a woman." Tu Tu asked, "So, do you like plump or slim?" The wolf was silent for 2 seconds, raised his hand and gave Tu Tu two big ear stickers. "Shit, I told you not to wear a hat."
The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."
"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.
The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"
"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.
On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today!"! ! "
The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "
The prisoner was shot. The first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullet, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, big brother, you strangled me! It's so fucking scary .....
A pupil confessed to his long-cherished teacher. The teacher said it was wrong, but he wouldn't listen. Finally, the teacher couldn't stand it anymore and said, I don't want children. The pupil said: I will be careful! "。
A mental hospital heard that the leader would come to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the dean called a meeting of the patients in the hospital at the meeting.
The dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and all the people will go to the door to welcome them. Zaihuan
When greeting, all patients stood on both sides of the hospital gate and stood neatly. When I cough, everyone plays drums together.
Palm, the warmer the better; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready,
We can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. As long as one person lives up to expectations, all people have no buns to eat. Remember.
have you finished? "The patients in the audience shouted together:" Remember! "
This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he walked into the gate, the popular patient was already standing at the door.
At that time, with the cough of the hospital dean, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. Visiting leaders
He was infected by the warm atmosphere, with a smile on his face and applause, and walked into the hospital with everyone. See the leader has entered the doctor.
In the hospital, the dean stamped his foot, and all the applause stopped, very neat. Only this leader is still smiling and drumming.
When he moved forward, the dean felt very satisfied. Suddenly, a disease as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcome crowd.
People, strode to the front of the leadership, picking up Yuan gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily-"Your ya don't want to eat steamed stuffed bun? ! ! ! "
There were three men competing in marksmanship, and one of them was holding something as a target.
The first man put an apple on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 10 meter, he raised his hand and shot and broke the apple. He blew his gun and said, I'm Zorro!
The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 50 meters, he raised his hand and shot and broke the cherry. He blew the muzzle and said, I am m007.
The third man put a sesame seed on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 100 meters, he raised his hand and smashed the black man's head. He also blew the gun and said, I'm sorry ...
A scientist went to the South Pole and met a group of penguins. He asked one of them, "What do you do every day?" Penguin said, "Eat, sleep and beat peas." How many times has he treated persimmons, Huan Huan and Australian skeletons? Oh, my God! Peter. What's wrong with persimmons? Prostitutes run my garden? Oh, my God! ?
Later, he met a little penguin, very cute, and asked him, "What do you do every day, little friend?" The little penguin said, "Eat and sleep." The scientist paused and then asked, "Why don't you hit peas?"
The little penguin said, "Because I am a bean."
China Humor King:/
Haha paradise; /
Laughter and slip of the tongue
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Happy male hilarious network:
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Trendy network jokes:
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References:
Little idiot messenger, tidy up! Strongly despise, copy and steal others' achievements!