About Xiaoyao, about you

It was a ghostly red. Seizing your life. There is no escape for eternity.

——Inscription

You stand alone at the intersection. Cars of all colors roared past, making rumbling sounds and filling the air with exhaust fumes. You think of the yellow sand in the desert, covering the sky and the sun. Blocking the last words in the daytime. The cry of the night. Covering the lover's eyelashes, tears sway like pearls. Turn into starlight, dotted in the summer sky. The kind of power that almost pierces the universe. Blunt or sharp.

Meteor. Romantic endorsement. It was an instant, and mortals hung their heavy sustenance on it, and the pressure made them choose to fall. Relieved and free. Because he couldn't afford it, he chose to die. You and Xiaoyao also held hands and made a wish. To be together for a lifetime. But it will never come true again.

You feel pain. The air breathed into the lungs was so turbid. Will this stain your body? And your boiling blood. You run away. Where can I escape? You are in a maze where despair lurks everywhere. You are confused and uneasy. Like a lost hare. Running around. There is no purpose. Because, there is no Xiaoyao.

You are leaning against a tree. Plane tree. The leaves are neat and broad. It will cut the sunlight into geometric shapes surrounded by straight lines. Just fall next to you. Scattered, like helplessness pouring all over the place. The trunk is dry and strong. A vague oath was engraved on it. It was temporary happiness, but it was replaced by endless sadness. True is the promise of love. I have been hurt and cried. It's just a hard scar. Who is still thinking about it? Just like before. You and Xiaoyao once believed in eternal life.

You said they were the arms of the tree, protecting you from the wind and rain. But you are wrong, you are entangled with the tree, not the tree protecting you. No one will protect you. We are all lonely hedgehogs, we can't get too close, otherwise we will only hurt each other. Rivers of blood flowed.

You are so annoying.

You are just a bored person. Xiaoyao once said this about you. She is your friend. But not now. A stranger? Why are there still memories? That's just legacy. you tell yourself. I bore Xiaoyao. She was tired of my words, my laughter, my worthless love. Otherwise, why would she abandon me?

Abandon me. Cruelly, he didn’t even have any last words.

There are leaves floating down from the trees, as beautiful as butterflies. Unrepentant cruelty. Wild Exile.

Obviously.

You are sick now, your head hurts, and it buzzes like a bee at work. The body is sore and weak. It seems that once he falls down, he falls into a deep sleep and never wakes up. Until midnight thousands of years later. You struggle to come back to reality from your dream. Only betrayal. At least this is true. You can avoid it.

Actually close your eyes. It's the best way to avoid it. Darkness can serve as salvation.

Save us from sin.

Save Xiaoyao. Save you too. Save you. Two people.

You are afraid. It is a natural aversion to disease. Death is a distant yet real distance. It's getting closer. Haunting like a nightmare. Like smoke rings blowing out of a man's mouth. Hazy and ambiguous. Get your heart easily. Follow a certain road to reach the depths. Damp and dark.

You are going to the hospital. White terror area. You have been afraid of hospitals since you were a child. Childhood tears flow freely here. There are also souls of the dead flying silently from here to heaven. And Xiaoyao's cold body. Her beautiful face is here, ruthlessly covered. Use a white sheet with a strong disinfectant scent. Cover it hard. Shall not see the light of day.

The hospital is far away from here. Still go forward and cross three intersections. Suddenly it feels like this road is so long. Like a long march. Your enemy is disease. Deeply embedded in your body. Take control of your soul. A game destined to be lost. You think, if Xiaoyao is by your side, the long time will no longer be long, and the distance will no longer be far away. Wherever she is, everything is heaven. This is what you often say to her. Have you really forgotten it?

I have forgotten everything. I have forgotten everything.

That was the first time I saw Xiaoyao. A beautiful and gentle red back. you. Watch quietly.

Calm and unnoticeable. You tell yourself that you are in love with her. Love is very quiet. There were no waves or magnificence as expected.

But Xiaoyao is really living in heaven now, and what about you? Are you waiting for the next cycle of suffering?

You are worried. Can I arrive successfully? Will you get lost? Or there is no road ahead. It's the ultimate valley. Walking will only be a game. Walking all the way along the track, there is a silent ending. The answer lies in the center. God will not let you arrive. He loves to play games with fate. And watch your one-man show. Or maybe it's the tragic comedy between you and Xiaoyao. She left midway. You are left to wander alone.

You are thinking that there is your favorite shop at the second intersection ahead. Cream sign. Ice blue parasol. Slightly yellowed plastic chairs. A refrigerator covered with colorful posters. There is also an exquisite and cute photo of you and Xiaoyao secretly posted under the table when no one noticed. A photo of two people. The smile is very sweet.

Tulips in the garden. Xiaoyao said that this kind of flower has no fragrance. Ordinary appearance. But there is a proud beauty. Out of reach.

There is a strawberry-flavored ice cream sold there. You can buy a small dish for 5 yuan. Half white, half red. Eat until your stomach becomes bloated. Then absorb your heat. Like a special poison.

You used to bring Xiaoyao here often. Just one ice cream for the two of you. Two spoons collide. You eat the white half, and Xiaoyao eats the red half. She likes red. Like you're crazy about the color green. Her necklace is red and her shirt is red. And the red nail polish on her nails. Like a passionate princess. certainly. Your green watch, green glasses. And your green backpack. Xiaoyao said, we are bewitched and manipulated by color. Doomed to be entangled.

You really want to eat ice cream again. You think there may not be a chance in the future. This is your gut feeling. You are a man who trusts your intuition.

So you walk hard. forward. Go against the current. The crowd is like fish in a fishbowl, passing each other by. You are the living thing outside the fish tank. Watching the fire from the other side.

You want to give up every step of the way. The leg is telling you its dissatisfaction. You insist. But you won't persist. You have always been a fragile person. Or rather, weak. You can't stay the course. Just like the relationship between you and Xiaoyao that has no beginning and no end. A fleeting moment.

Separation. But no goodbye was said.

But today you must learn to persevere.

You see the traffic light at the first intersection change from green to red. You thought of Xiaoyao and you. You used to show off like this. Green represents life and red represents warning, she said. Are warnings about life a harbinger of death? You tell her, no. It's just fate. The end of green will be red, and the end of red will be green. Xiaoyao cried after hearing this. She said why red and green can't appear at the same time. You are speechless.

You wait for red to turn green. Comply with regulations. Be a good citizen. You don't want to get fined by the police.

Then you walked across the street smoothly. Every step is difficult and reluctant. The asphalt road is like a black river. A warrior who braves the rapids.

You are thirsty. Dry lips. You think of Xiaoyao’s lemon-flavored lipstick. Tart and cooling. Real and realistic.

You can only drink water when you reach the second intersection. No, I don't drink water. I'm going to eat ice cream, strawberry flavor. You say so.

You walk with your head down. Don't look at the road. Accidentally hit a telephone pole or a hurried passerby. They look at you with angry eyes. You say, sorry.

In front of you lies ice cream quietly on a small plate. Half red and half white. You originally asked the store owner if you could put green ice cream next to red. He said there was no green ice cream here. This is your regret. A simple dream for you and Xiaoyao. There are also part-time students wearing orange headscarves who work in the store and wipe the tables very clean. Can reflect your own face. You looked at the smiling faces on the table and were so happy that you forgot about time.

You look up. Turn left. This is it. Not peak time. There are very few people. The shopkeeper sees you and greets you warmly. You are a regular customer. You take out five yuan and take a plate.

Something you've imagined for a long time. It's so cute. It is covered with transparent ice crystals, like a bride's gauze skirt.

You said that you wanted Xiaoyao to wear the most beautiful gauze skirt in the world and marry her into your family. You are getting married on a white sand beach in Malaysia. Xiaoyao likes the sea in Malaysia the most. She said the sea water was as pure as a child's heart. You want to buy 99 red roses for Xiaoyao. She likes roses. red rose. Although this is a vulgar preference. But this hobby is beautiful. Untouchable.

You will not drink champagne or red wine at the wedding. You are stubborn people. She wants to drink Coca-Cola. You'll drink Sprite.

Xiaoyao, Xiaoyao. You say, I do. Then we will never leave or abandon you for the rest of our lives.

This sentence was not spoken after all. At that time, you were holding Xiaoyao's blood-stained body. She covered her pale lips with bright red lipstick, and her long burgundy hair was tied back messily. You mistakenly thought she had actually turned into a ball of fire. Xiaoyao smiled and asked you, my dear, am I beautiful?

The look in your eyes. So low, so pitiful.

Poor Xiaoyao. She was ultimately no match for her schizophobia. In the bathtub, he cut his wrist deeply with a razor blade. Because there, red will flow out. The color red that she loves so much. She loves you and she wants to make herself the most beautiful. So she loves blood.

Fierce love, tragic love, love that runs through the whole body.

Maybe only Xiaoyao can give it to you.

You didn't eat the red half. Leave it decadently isolated. Melt in the sun until it disappears. You wish this was your memory, evaporating in the sun. But you are wrong, some things are always entangled. For example, Xiaoyao’s imprint in front of your eyes.

If there is snow in the winter one year, the dancing flames will illuminate your pink and white skin. What melts is the killing. You won't fall into a chasm. And those fragile concessions.

You continue on your way. He's a passer-by. When you see the third traffic light change from red to green, you cross the road. Hold your head high, like a mighty soldier.

At the entrance of the hospital. You see a man whose eyes are filled with compassion. He was holding a woman covered in blood. The woman had the same sad and beautiful smile as Xiaoyao. Familiar and never forgotten.

So you understand, a story about two people. There is never a final chapter.

One link after another.

About him. About her. About them.

Life after life.