It's too cold to turn on the air conditioner, and it's too hot to turn off the air conditioner. Much like our relationship, we don't miss each other together, but we are unhappy together.
You asked me why I was listless and unhappy. Yes, why? I am such a radiant person, and I am such a well-dressed person. Why do I look unhappy? Why can I have a good talk with everyone, but I always quarrel with you endlessly. I want to give up countless times, and I change my mind every time. I told myself that this is my own problem, my choice, my reflection and my homework. As long as I am not influenced by your emotions, I can always maintain inner peace and stability.
I know this is definitely not your problem. I know a lot of what I said seems to make you understand me, but I may be blaming you, asking you for something, and expressing my request. I know I have many unsolved problems, such as my improper coping style, which will always cause you to respond more strongly. I know that many times you are unreasonable in order to get more attention and love. I know why you are angry and why you take the initiative. I know you think I'm not good enough for you. I know you deliberately belittle me to meet your needs. I know I won't lower my sense of value because of this. I think I know a lot, but I don't know how to communicate with you.
I want to cry many times recently. Why am I a very good person, so good in others' eyes and in my own eyes, but always treated like this by you, so I don't cherish it?
Fortunately, I read a sentence:
Communication helps us to separate problems from ourselves, while writing helps us to return to inner balance.
This sentence is really good and speaks my mind, but why can't I think of such a good sentence?
There is a passage:
When we say that we don't know when to start writing, we actually don't get along well with ourselves. In other words, we don't give ourselves too much time to take care of our feelings and inner world in our daily life.
If you say you don't know what to write, you may be a person who doesn't feel particularly keen. This perception is not keen enough, which means that we don't care about many things about ourselves, so we don't know how to analyze and record them.
In the final analysis, a key factor lies in whether you can take good care of your inner world and handle the relationship with yourself first.
If you can handle this relationship well, then your writing materials are like a continuous source, and you will always have a lot of creative content and materials that will not be exhausted.
To sum up, am I a person who can get along well with myself?
Teacher Yu asked me a question in the group. Have you written an article recently? I said I planned an article about community social workers, but Teacher Yu said it was an essay, not a discussion. The teacher probably means sorting out his own heart, which is probably my illogical idea now. Teacher Yu made me feel that he was more concerned about the order of my inner world.
I have a feeling that writing is a kind of sorting out and repairing for me, sorting out some things, thoughts and emotions, repairing the feeling of injury, and being full of strength to continue to face it.
I never want to write my emotional experience clearly, not for mystery, but because I am not confident.
What makes people sad is not that your family and friends don't support your feelings, but that you are not sure. For me, if I am sure of other people's opinions and ideas, what can stop me?
When I was young, many people thought I was a cold fish. Now I think it's because of loneliness and lack of love, an unconscious self-protection. Don't I need friends? Because there are no friends around, there will be pen pals and so many netizens in the distance. Although the car accident itself has caused me great harm and even affected my life, in my opinion, its psychological impact is positive. Although it was dark, I actually felt that my accident and my brother's internet addiction were all aimed at shifting the focus of family problems, because at that time, home made people feel too scattered and dark, which might have something to do with where they lived. Because of my accident, my family turned their attention to me. For the first time after growing up, I feel full of love, everyone's care and love. I was not close to my family before, but at that time, Little Bear would cry and often came to the hospital from school to see me. I mobilized my classmates to help me find a four-leaf clover, picked osmanthus flowers and put them on my bedside, and brought me small toys. I can't stop thinking about these tears.
I have been stubborn and rebellious since I was a child. Although I am afraid, I always want to fight against the world, so I will be beaten. The most serious thing is that my face has been swollen for several days. In fact, I want to make sure that my parents love me in their hearts, and they are also very distressed when I am injured. Even if I do, I feel guilty and distressed. It's strange that I was practical at that time, so I wanted to get attention even if I didn't respond well.
When I grow up, I am always tired of my "self-esteem". Don't be angry with me. I will definitely let you lose, and I still do.
Yesterday, I shared Satya's communication mode. In fact, I went to school a few years ago and didn't go back to study during the period. Now after a few years, I have to sort it out, and finally I begin to understand what it is. I also found that I responded more to interruption and irrationality. I don't blame or please. Criticism and flattery make me feel humble, which also proves why I am always "cold" and I can't accept being too close, even friends and family.
Many past emotional details have been forgotten, but the feeling of happiness or sadness is still there. But more are those painful moments, which is really strange. The moment when a person runs away from home in the middle of the night is often staged, but it is different from when a person runs away from home when he is a child. No one knows that you have left. The kind of anxiety that others are looking for is explained here as love and care. I lack love but pretend that I don't need the love and intimacy of my family, so I look for love outside, because the face given by my parents is easy to get the so-called "love", and finally I am scarred and cured by my family. This is really a great irony.
I can still remember those moments that made me feel humble and sorry. In order to save some ridiculous things I have done and convince myself that this is a respect and explanation for my feelings, then I can do everything without regret. I remember buying a can of wine, making a phone call and even lighting a cigarette. It's really ridiculous. I wrote a long letter, walked a long way, met many people and talked a lot. Leaving work and a city for a man's feelings, although the end of feelings is actually just a cover and a reason, after all, reflects all kinds of uncertainties about work and life in my heart.
I think maybe I still want some definite feelings. If I didn't have them, I would want others. If you confirm it for me, I can be sure. Normal or abnormal. Universal or not.
I remember a scene in Hangzhou, riding a bicycle to and from the office and residence, thinking a lot on the way. Once I watched a movie before sunset/if not now, I remembered that line: what is love, isn't it respect, trust and appreciation? I imagine, maybe one day at the wedding scene, I said to each other, I will give you respect, trust, support and appreciation, and I hope you can give me the same. At that moment, I was crying while riding on the road, and I was completely moved by myself.
Many people seem to flow smoothly, come from good families, have good education and living conditions, and then enter their own families smoothly, and their business premises are thriving and enviable. Compared with us, I always feel so difficult and far away. Maybe what I want, too, maybe I can't get it or doesn't suit me, so I don't want it.
I still remember a boy told me after self-study in the third night of senior high school, I estimate that if you have a child in the future, you will be bored to death if he cries, and then hit him. Now that the boy has become a father, he has lost contact. And I never thought that one day, I would have the heart to be a mother, and I would feel that I would be a good mother. I will hug and kiss TA, appease TA, love TA unconditionally, give TA the best I can, and educate TA to be a responsible person. After all, I have gained a lot of experience through you. You have completely degenerated into a child in front of me, and you often say that you want to be a child, but you are embarrassed to say it.
Hehe, yes, who doesn't want to be a completely self-centered child all his life, crying and being held, hungry and fed? Everything exists for me. He is the center of the world, at least the center of this person. Who has such great love, and with what?
So, since you want mature love, why do you want to fall in love with a child?
After all I've been through, I'm much stronger. I have a lot of love and feel a lot of love. I am no longer the little girl who begged others, but a confident, beautiful and independent adult. I am a lovely and interesting person with a sense of value. I dare to stick to my ideals and accept myself. I can give to others and accept intimacy.
There is no road in life in vain, and every step counts.
Because I am not firm enough about what I want to do, and because my life has no direction, I will blame the other party for underestimating my work and not giving me some advice.
I have always refused to admit it, and I also want to live a stable life with fireworks. I told the other party that I couldn't cook. After thinking about it, the other party told me solemnly, well, I'll do it later. The satisfaction in my heart. However, we never had a chance to cook. But now, even if I am alone, I can cook, hot pot, saute spicy chicken, sometimes eat what I like, silently write down recipes and try to collect some recipes. Rather than saying that I have changed, I am more real, accepting and liking myself and my life.
I sometimes think it's because I'm too bad at dating. Why have I never enjoyed everything others enjoy in love? No, it's because I'm too bad at choosing people and I have no money. It's not that I don't want to spend money for me, but that I really have no money. So now, I don't depend on others. I try to improve myself to be the richest person. Even if the other person has no money in the future, as long as he is an ok person, I can totally support him.
Although I always say that I have my own ideas, I am always influenced by many remarks. For example, people who don't like friends and family can't be together. For example, some things still need men to do. People like this can't get married. For example, men do this to show their love for you. ........... In fact, people in the world are so different, with different expressions, different needs and expectations, and different levels of self-knowledge. How can there be so many identical dogmas? Other people's experience is not necessarily your compass. After all, there are so many details, processes and feelings that outsiders don't know. What's more, there may not be so much love in the world, and two people may not be together because of love. There may be no affection and love between two people.
All happy families are similar, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy
Happy families are different to some extent, while unhappy families are more or less similar. Vladimir Nabokov
Look at these two sentences. Do you think happiness or misfortune is more similar? Recently, I read an acquaintance supervisor's record about confinement, which I always read in articles before, and this time it seems to happen to me. I feel that women are really too hard. If you need support at such an important time, it will be misunderstood by the closest people and make people doubt marriage and family life. I thought of my cousins whose children were one or two years old and even went to kindergarten. How come I haven't heard of these things? I think it's probably because women's needs for their husbands have been replaced by their parents during confinement. So yesterday, our small group was discussing going to the confinement center to have a confinement or rest for a month, and then extended to the importance of money to the family, and then there was not so much money to spend at will. The problem that can really be solved with money is not a problem, but no money.
Love has the problem of love, and the problem of marriage. Even if you consider and evaluate many aspects for a long time before marriage and polish your eyes many times, there will still be intractable problems after marriage. Look at the teacher who is giving us a lecture. They all look younger than their actual age and taller, but they didn't do it at first, but they also experienced a long period of exploration and cultivation. There are still many couples who finish class, and then their feelings sublimate, know how to express, touch each other and cherish each other, but before that, they also have their own needs. So it's hard to compare your own gift with others'. Everyone has different paths, different steps and different life experiences. At that time, the teacher asked me to do a self-exercise. Some of them say that they want their breasts to be smaller and their husbands to find sexual partners ... those who seem calm hide secrets that others don't know. No one should envy others and look down on his own life. Everyone has his own longitude.
I once told myself that when I am ready, everything will come, and when I am ready, I feel ready. But that moment seems to have not arrived yet.
I clearly know that the love I want is mature love, which can make me feel supported, appreciated and respected. I feel that I am the best and most beautiful from the bottom of my heart when I appreciate myself, but when I lack confidence, you can tell me that I am the most perfect in his eyes.
Admittedly, how can we give all the beautiful words to each other and make him feel praised, appreciated and supported? Instead, he said to me, be kind to me, love me more, give me a sense of security and make me feel supported.
What's wrong?
In fact, how do family and friends know what your relationship is like? They are not witnesses to your emotional ups and downs. They haven't experienced your little things, but they know from you.
I was afraid to tell my family how I felt before. I am the kind of person who is not supported. I said I'll put up with it myself. Later, I tried to share it, because I thought it was a kind of trust and confirmation of our feelings. Who knows that I only shared my bad feelings. What's more, if I share some good things, it is also suitable for my family and friends, otherwise such a small thing is not worth moving. Beauty Jiang told me that no matter who I look for, I feel that I don't deserve my family who loves you. From your perspective, family and friends are naturally on your side. We love you, and we will treat you unconditionally, so that person should do the same, otherwise it is not good enough.
Me too. How long have my family and friends been running in with me? How much have they been through with me? They love me, so they support me to do whatever I want and help me as much as I can. I often feel their love, but I am still entangled in the love of the person who has been with me for less than a year. Spend more time with him than with family and friends. People all over the world, who is not? Having a beautiful love, I don't enjoy the cherished return, but I am tightly bound by the more eager love because I can't get it.
Do we parents ask for this because we didn't get enough attention, recognition and praise from our parents when we were young? I am sure of my own value and beauty, so why do I have to say that I am great? You are beautiful today, in every way. Tell me why.
How can a strange and irrelevant person become so important in your life, and may become worthless and lose contact? It is because we don't have that kind of uninterrupted blood relationship and establish that kind of inner determination and connection that we are worried that as long as your mobile phone is turned off, I will not be able to find you, feel insecure and be afraid of losing you.
Everyone wants the other person to change for me, and everyone wants at least you to change first. Always say you first. . . Knowing so much truth and seeing so much demand just can't be done. I guess I have no bottom in my heart. Love is mutual, understanding and communication are mutual, giving is mutual, action is mutual, seeing and being seen, praising, thanking, sorry and forgiving.
Don't feel guilty, don't make the other person feel guilty, don't blame, don't please, don't confront, don't sulk, just say, do and feel.
Last time the salon drew a rainbow card, I drew "I allow myself to enjoy sex", which was really a very suitable and difficult lesson for me. Maybe I subconsciously don't allow it. This has something to do with the lack of sex education as a child. I have always been unable to accept physical contact with strangers of the opposite sex, even the same sex. For example, hugs have only been accepted in recent years. I was nervous when the barber washed my hair. I try to avoid being with men in the salon. Massage, the master said to relax. I consciously want to relax, but my body can't do it honestly. If I can't relax, I will fight, and then the strength will cancel each other out. Speaking of sex, what is my real need for it? I know and I don't know.
It feels a little too much. But I want to talk a little more.
Sanmao has a saying that love won't last long unless it is put into practice in real life. Some people say that Li Ao divorced because Li saw Hu constipated in the toilet, because he couldn't stand the secular life of the goddess in his heart. There is a post on the internet about the bad taste of boyfriends and girlfriends, and there are many wonderful ones. Girlfriend let her boyfriend get into bed and cover her head, then let out a P and locked her boyfriend in the quilt. Do you think if you meet such a boyfriend and girlfriend, you will cry or laugh, and you will feel naive or interesting? The kind of relationship that can fart in front of each other, hehe, I'm not even such a person in front of my family. Then what am I worried about? Unlike Sun and my mother, fp stinks and is unscrupulous. You see, I'm embarrassed to write these two words. In fact, he is the one who can always smell P for you, and I just said recently that I finally put P in front of you. This is actually progress for me.
In fact, no matter what family and friends think of him, I think of our relationship. But this relationship is bound to make each other grow. I think I will be the kind of good and sensible girlfriend, but I will also be mad, angry, quarreling, fighting, and lose both sides. I said he was a man and wanted me. He said I was older than him and wanted him. I used to swear and fight. Yes, is it good or bad for a person to activate you? These were originally yours, but were they hidden or created because of him? I'm afraid of conflict and I won't deal with it, so I don't want to talk when the other person is crazy. Everyone I met before was more silent than me, that is, he forced you not to talk. Even if you did, I don't want to talk for the time being. I thought it was because I was in a bad mood and what I said would hurt people, be irrational or not know what to say. What he thinks of is that you treat me coldly every time. Did you let me communicate well? I'm speechless.
Many times when there are only two people, we should treat him as a child. Yes, very tired. But sometimes I enjoy dependence, and sometimes I feel that the other person is just lazy and bossing me around. But he also taught me to be coquettish and bow my head, but every time he took the initiative to talk to me, even if he asked me to apologize, even if he forced me, he made me feel safe in the face of conflict, and you would never leave my peace of mind again, even though I knew it would not last long.
I've hurt you a lot, too. I told you to get out and let you go. I ignored what you threw at you and said something that hurt you the most, making you feel insecure about my ups and downs. You saw a movie in Louis Koo and said it would be nice if you weren't angry with each other. You said you haven't smiled at me for a long time, and it was the happiest to chat before we got together.
You taught me to express directly that I want you to accompany me to watch Hong Kong opera. I want to watch movies with you and play games with Taobao, but sometimes you let me guess your needs.
It's hard to imagine that we'll kick it all over, because we're too sleepy to take a shower or even make it disappear.
In the eyes of others, I am such a weak, gentle and well-behaved woman.
……………………
I can give my friends and family the support they want. Why not give it to you? I can communicate well with others. Why do I always have problems communicating with you? Is it because you can't let go of unfulfilled expectations? Do we still have the idea that you are responsible for my needs? You want to make me happy, you want to see my efforts and praise me in time, you want to guess and respond to me in time before I say my needs, you want to stand by 24 hours a day, and you want to take me as the center. How many unreasonable beliefs are still hidden in our subconscious.
After reading a sentence, the three views are different, each with its own merits. The difference between the three views is only the difference of views, and the problem of inconsistency is big. I like planting flowers, painting and playing the piano, but you buried me, threw cigarette butts in my flowerpot and called me arty; But I like studying psychology, and you say that I have mental problems, and it is not good to study too much. Yes, I want to climb to the roof to see the scenery. Don't go if you say there's nothing to see. If you want to go by yourself, I won't help you take the escalator. Don't blame me for falling. ...
I thought it was easy to appreciate and support him. I love him and I know exactly what he likes. I will do everything possible to help him realize his wish and support him. I really think he is good, no matter where he is. After all, I can easily get these from my family and friends. You said you loved me. Isn't it easy to do these things from the heart? But you want to control me, you want to ignore me, you want me to do what you want, you want to be my child, my parents.
Love without temptation, rejection without hostility. Hehe ... Sometimes I feel like I'm raising a child.
Life is hard, isn't it? Life never promises long-term happiness and happiness, there is no end, and the effort is not proportional to the harvest. But pain makes people grow. What you have experienced gives you a deeper understanding.
We were all wrong. Lack of affirmation, praise, appreciation, care and love.
If you regret it, if you are sad, you don't have to be perfect.