? The long and empty night is so empty that I want to devour everything around me. Tired and anxious to wait, the pain in my heart is far away and I can't let it go.

Due to the special epidemic and limited travel, my grandfather's life in other places is dying, but I can't wait for him. Only through the video sent by my aunt at home, I can see my thin but stubborn body and say goodbye to the world.

This is the longest night since the epidemic, and the feeling of powerlessness over the passing of life fills the whole body. I clicked on the video again and again, but I couldn't bear to watch it, as if I were playing with a scar in my heart.

The most weather-beaten man in this family is about to travel, and this trip is to go to each other's deepest memories and never come back. All the details about this man's history will be lost and no one will know it anymore. I can't help thinking about it.

At present, the epidemic situation, all procedures are relatively strict, although understandable, but anxious. I learned from the news late the night before yesterday that the epidemic level in my hometown was reduced and the bayonet along the way began to be cancelled. I went out early in the morning, spent most of the day completing the relevant formalities, settling down the work at hand, chasing the fleeting sunset, and driving hundreds of kilometers with my parents and lover to return home overnight.

When I got to my hometown, it was already ten o'clock at night. I pushed the door into the house. My aunts were there, and my grandfather was lying there, panting. But my aunt said that it was two days without water, and my cheeks were deep and I couldn't speak. I am completely different from before, but my eyes are slightly open and closed, and my chin can't be put down. At this time, I can't let go of the tears and voices of my late children and grandchildren.

At this moment, I want to stay but I can't. I want to say goodbye but I can't say it. I grabbed grandpa's cold hand, and the once powerful hand in my memory is now so shriveled and fragile. It seems that for a moment, I felt a force clinging to it. I wonder if this is my illusion. Grandpa's hand occasionally reaches into the air and holds something. I think it may be a lamp. I hope it is a light, a warm light.

Grandpa has nothing serious except leg pain for many years and forgetfulness symptoms are becoming more and more obvious. At present, it is believed that it is caused by natural failure of organ function. Because I don't know how long this state will last, and because my job is special, my father ordered me to return the next day, and he and his uncles and aunts accompanied the old man. Perhaps the most painful choice in life is to say goodbye before you go.

I don't know how I walked out of that door, but I vaguely understand that it was a farewell.

? I held back my tears and ran back. The sunset behind the mountain is looming through the window beside me, just like the past scene flashed in my mind. ...

Grandpa was born in the old society. He is the eldest son of the family. He went to school for several years in his childhood and knew a little about writing. Later, due to many changes at home, he became a master at the age of sixteen. He was a car-scrapping man all his life and never gave in to fate.

Grandpa is a local scholar in the village and writes well. On holidays, he writes Spring Festival couplets to his neighbors and never copies them. He always writes couplets now. Grandpa is also a skilled carpenter. Whoever builds furniture and houses on the production team must be invited. There are saws, planers and Mo Dou hanging outside the sheepfold wall. Grandpa is also a fan of Shaanxi opera, who can play and sing, and has banhu erhu; Grandpa went out when he was young, worked as an accountant in the saltworks canteen and learned to cook. When he comes home, he always asks grandpa to cook at any wedding or funeral.

In my childhood memory, under the felt mat on Grandpa's kang, there are always several books with worn covers, one is Romance of the Three Kingdoms, two are Strange Stories from a Lonely Studio, and there is also a cookbook with colorful illustrations. That cookbook is like a secret of his martial arts, but he can make all his ingredients in those years according to the recipe method. There is meatball soup. I really can't remember the name of the dish, but the color picture is still engraved in my mind. The four meatballs in the picture are white and snow-white. Every time I ask with a book, grandpa can always tell me clearly how to cook this dish.

When I was a child, I could only stay in my hometown during the winter and summer vacations, so I had time to spend with my grandparents, but it also became the happiest time in my childhood memory. A few meters long Datong Kang, a pipe made of lamb leg bones and hemp money, a black stove and fire door, jujube trees in the yard, vines in the back garden, firewood piles near the pit, shelf cars in front of the donkey pen, a big grass basket woven with willow strips, an old elm tree next to the pigsty, and a well outside Chai Men ... Every scene is like grandpa calling my birth name.

Grandpa is also notoriously stubborn, and his children can't beat his own ideas. This is related to his experience when he was young. In that special period of "composition", grandparents often did several times the work of others because of the composition of "rich peasants", but they were often pulled out for criticism, but grandpa was extremely open-minded and just pulled out this morning. Several kilograms of elm boards were tied with iron wires and hung around grandpa's neck for several hours, and the flesh was pulled out with deep blood stains. As soon as he got home, he put a wooden stool in the middle of the yard, took out his huqin and sang while playing, as if he had forgotten all his troubles. Sometimes people come before singing ... but grandpa never gives in to fate.

Although special times need to be faced directly, they will always pass. After the days gradually improved, the children also broke out of their own world, but grandpa's temper was still vigorous. His leg is sick because of heavy physical labor all the year round, but he stands there like a mountain.

Grandpa is good at noodles. He cooked noodles with a spoonful of oil and garlic. He once married with his children and studied hard at the cold window. Deep-rooted noodles brought the family together tightly. Whether he goes to town or goes home, he always shines where the children need it most.

In recent years, my very old grandfather has obviously lost his memory. He always can't remember what happened just now, but he can make it clear what happened decades ago. Because of work, I can't even accompany him on holidays, let alone all the time, so the deepest memory of our father and grandson actually lingers twenty or thirty years ago, which also makes me feel guilty.

Memories always rush when reality falls, which may be the greatest sorrow in life, so we are reluctant to give up and cry and refuse to accept leaving.

His wife, his wife, left his grandmother who had been with him for more than half a century the summer before last, which was a heavy blow to grandpa. Since then, he has been in a trance, but he can't remember much. I'm afraid he doesn't want to remember. The only requirement is to leave the city and live in his hometown.

Some people say that the old couple are like two people who light a lamp and walk together at night. They look at each other's lights from a distance and don't feel lonely. If one person's light goes out, another person doesn't know what to do, and the road ahead is only infinite fear.

At the moment, grandpa is lying there quietly, so that people can't disturb him. Maybe he is looking for the faint light from grandma's lamp in this endless night. I hope this light is not far away.

Late at night on February 23, 2020

That one eye, finally turned into a farewell …

Before going to work, the phone rang! At about 4 pm on February 24, 2020, grandpa passed away at the age of 84!

I know in my heart that grandma must have polished the lamp for him.

Long-lost journey, the breeze is mighty, grandpa has a good journey!

Grandson, bow down with tears!