She burst into tears and said, "What I hate most is apologizing! I hate you! " Second, she wanted to buy snacks when she was ready to go home after playing outside that day, but her father refused. Then she bit her father, who made her apologize. She refused to apologize and the two men got into a fight. When I got home, she came to comfort me. But when I knew the cause and effect of this incident, my husband and I agreed to make her apologize. This time, her reaction shocked me. It was a hysterical outbreak, as if it were on the verge of collapse. I was a little scared at that time and hugged her tightly to prevent my husband from insisting.
I want to ask Sister Fu, what should she do if she does something wrong in the future? You can't ignore children's mistakes. (Letter from parents)
Jeff dispelled doubts:
First of all, we must affirm the mother's ultimate goal. Because the child made a mistake, he should apologize himself, bear the consequences and pay the price. This is not only to get forgiveness from others, but also to establish a sense of responsibility from an early age, which plays a very important role in enhancing children's self-discipline and being cautious in words and deeds, so as to smoothly integrate into social life in the future.
Nowadays, children are very loved at home, and they are more laissez-faire or accommodating in education, which easily leads to their willful and stubborn personality and rebellious tendency in psychological development. In addition, parents' simple, arbitrary and rude handling of such problems is also easy to cause children's psychological depression. Therefore, in daily life, the above-mentioned children are extremely excited and it is normal to refuse to apologize.
We often say that good parents are not born, and getting along with children really needs real skills and mental skills. There is something wrong with the way parents deal with this problem. This involves a question of how to communicate with children. When something happens or a child's temper breaks out, the first thing parents do is not to ask him to apologize, but to affirm his emotions first and help the child sort out the problem with empathy. The following is some information I found to solve this problem, and I summarized it, hoping to help my parents.
Let's first understand why children are unwilling to admit their mistakes. Let's empathize with these reasons:
Reason one: "I'm right!"
Most children are naturally active, like to explore all kinds of things around them, and often regard things at home as toys. For example, why did the child get scissors at this treasure mother's house?
Analysis: We also talked about the first thing mentioned by this precious mother. The child thinks scissors are his own toys. In the process of robbing them, the father was accidentally injured, and the mother let the children admit their mistakes. However, the child does not understand where he is wrong. Adults usually don't tell their children clearly what they can and can't play, or they don't put things that children shouldn't play in places that children can't see or touch (maybe some things don't pose a threat to the baby's safety). These are all factors that cause children to "make mistakes".
In this case, the child doesn't know that he is wrong at all, but the parents want him to admit that he is wrong. What does the child do?
Reason 2: "I can't understand what you said!"
We know that preschool children's language understanding and expression ability is limited. Sometimes they are anxious because they can't say what they want, and this situation will be more serious when adults ask their children to admit their mistakes.
Analysis: When parents see the "good things" their children have done, they will become very angry, but for those young children, they actually don't understand what their parents said, and they don't know that their parents are angry because they have done something wrong. Of course, they won't admit their mistakes. For example, if the baby treats his father's design as his own drawing paper and draws it at random, his father will tell the baby not to scribble on the design. But the baby doesn't understand the difference between design drawings and drawing paper, and naturally he won't understand that drawing on design drawings is wrong.
Reason 3: "It's not all my fault!"
Because adults can't see the baby's behavior process, the reason why the baby makes mistakes is sometimes not what adults think.
Analysis: For example, when two children fight, parents will stop it immediately. Maybe parents will ask their children to apologize to other children. However, sometimes it is the other child who hits people first. Then, if the child wants to admit his mistake first, he will be unconvinced and refuse to admit his mistake; Even if children know that fighting is wrong, they will take it for granted that people who fight should apologize first.
Therefore, sometimes a child makes a mistake, and we should give him a chance to explain. It's not too late for the child to admit his mistake when he knows the whole story and makes him realize where he is wrong.
Reason 4: "You are so fierce, so scary!"
If a child makes a mistake, such as breaking something expensive or hurting other children, parents will be very angry. When angry, adults usually hold their children's hands and ask them to admit that they are wrong and say they are sorry.
Analysis: Under such circumstances, children will be afraid of adults and even feel that their parents don't love themselves.
Imagine, when a child feels "you are so fierce and scary", is it a bit reluctant to ask him to admit that he is wrong? Therefore, parents must be calm and restrained when children make mistakes. After asking the reason clearly, we will deal with it according to the reason.
Reason 5: "Did Mom and Dad admit their mistakes?"
Parents and teachers are role models for children to learn. As children grow older, they will learn some behaviors by imitating people close to them. Parents' role model is not only manifested in good behavior, but also in bad behavior, which is also the object of children's imitation.
Analysis: Because parents are very authoritative in front of their children, they often don't admit their mistakes to their children for their own face. For example, the parents of this 4-year-old child should reflect on the performance of these two things. Why does "not buying snacks" make children feel that dad is doing something wrong? Why didn't the mother empathize with the child when he asked for help? Therefore, in order for children to admit their mistakes, parents should first set an example and frankly admit and apologize when their children make mistakes.
Reason 6: "Will Mom and Dad punish me?"
Although parents promised not to punish their children, after children admit their mistakes, they will still be criticized by their parents for their actions, and sometimes even beat them. Parents think it's for the good of their children, so that they can remember that they won't make the same mistake in the future.
Analysis: In fact, this practice will make children lose trust in their parents and feel that their parents do what they say. And because the child has been cheated once, it will be even harder for him to admit his mistake in the future.
(1) Talk to her when she is emotionally stable or positive, so that she can gradually develop the habit of speaking her mind and make it easier for parents to understand their children's inner world. Because children have strong self-esteem and love face, when they do something wrong, they should convince others by reasoning and patiently explain the truth so that children can understand that everyone will make mistakes. As long as it is corrected, there will be progress. Mistakes will not disappear because they don't admit it, nor will they become people who others don't like because they admit it.
(2) Allow children to defend themselves and give her a chance to reason. When criticizing, it is best to understand her mood and mentality at that time. Children, like adults, are more likely to accept different opinions when they are in a good mood, and are more likely to be irritable when they are unhappy.
(3) Using the "wrong learning method", try to make children suffer because they don't admit their mistakes, and learn from them. When children admit their mistakes in other ways, parents should also give affirmation, and gradually let her bravely admit her mistakes and give praise.
(4) Parents should also set an example, often dare to admit their mistakes and set an example for their children. Generally speaking, this phenomenon of children will improve with the growth of age and the improvement of cognitive ability.
Finally, I want to remind my parents that the word "I'm sorry" is sometimes just a life-saving symbol for a child. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't mean that he knows he is wrong. Only by truly letting children realize their mistakes will it be effective. I hope my answer can help this baby mother, and I also hope to provide some reference for baby parents who encounter similar problems.