2. The intelligence test is to see how stupid you are.
I won't watch you jump into the fire with your eyes open, I will close my eyes.
It is not difficult for a person to make mistakes. The hard thing is to make mistakes all your life and never correct them.
5. Life is nothing more than making others smile and occasionally smiling at others.
6. The real meaning of the iron rice bowl is not to have food in one place, but to have food everywhere all your life.
7. I have been poor and crazy recently, and I have no money to buy big cakes, so I can only eat buns; If you want to eat pie, beat the steamed bread flat.
During my four years in college, I always thought I was a talented person, but I was wrong. I'm not! I xxxx turned out to be a genius!
9. Women can see the words of the sun and the moon, and they have serious astigmatism to the sun and the moon.
10, I really don't understand: why do you use mathematical formulas to prove that physical phenomena are called science and the arrangement of stars in the sky to prove that life is called superstition?
1 1, I throw coins into the air-if I face up, I will go to BBS；; If the back is facing up, go to QQ; If the coin stands up, I will go to study for myself.
12, I never watch TV. I just often check whether the TV programs in the newspaper are misprinted.
13, why are you such a child? My uncle is here. Why did you think of going to the zoo to see bears?
14, my eyesight is very poor, for example, see that thumbtack on the wall over there? You can see it, but I can't.
15, every day I am constantly creating a world record-the number of days I live in the world.
16, Shop Assistant: Miss, all your ten hundred-dollar bills are counterfeit. Pretty girl: Ah! I am * *!
17, if Bill Gates can get one yuan every time the computer is restarted, then he will be rich.
18, I pretended to work for the boss, and the boss pretended to pay me.
19. My wife and I haven't spoken for 18 months, so I didn't have a chance to interrupt her.
Customer: I paid the same price. Why is the steak given to me yesterday big and tender, but the steak given to me today is small and old? Attendant: Because you were sitting by the window yesterday.
2 1, I put the TV remote control on my waist, making it look like I bought a new mobile phone.
22. Money alone can't make people happy, so I also stole some jewelry, stamps and watches.
23. According to the law, men can only get married at the age of 22, but they can be soldiers at the age of 18. This shows two problems: first, fighting is not dangerous to get married, and second, women are more difficult to deal with than enemies.
24. Animals are still a little pathetic, but I'm not, so I'm not an animal.
25. To marry a wife should be to marry Xiao Shao, to make friends should be to make friends, and it is best to be a man in Qiao Feng and Wei Xiaobao.
Laugh until the rice comes out.
Guide: "Dear, I want to take underwater wedding photos. Look at this photo. " "well. This figure is really beautiful like a mermaid, but you are a chubby fish! " "……"
1, many people told me that you are poor and crazy and still pay so much attention. Paralysis, this is all bullshit. I don't care about this when I sell mobile phone cases. What do I care?
Snow White has been in poor health since she got married. The prince took her to the hospital for examination and found that the princess had only one kidney left! The prince asked her why. The princess replied, "When I was living in seclusion in the forest, one day, a witch knocked at the door and asked me, son, do you want an apple?"
My friend asked me out to play this morning. When I went out, I wanted to tell my mother that I went out to play with my friends, but I accidentally said that I went out to play with my girlfriend. My mother turned around, smiled gently and said, "Are you kidding?" Then I turned around and continued to cut vegetables. I despair of this malicious world.
I won't buy this watch of Apple. If I don't take out the mobile phone that I spent so much money on, wouldn't it be for nothing?
I was in the same class as my brother in high school. One night, the teacher asked us, "Who is your brother and who is your sister?" I froze at that time!
6. Experience in giving boys shoes: As long as you hook up with a shopping guide when buying clothes, your girlfriend will buy clothes in a short time.
7. A beggar asked the master, "Master, why am I so pitiful? Am I begging like this all my life? " The master took out a coin, threw it into the air and landed in front of the beggar. "Master, are you saying that life is like a coin, with two sides?" Master: "Take this money, or I'll slap you if you don't get out."
8. My wife and I wanted to have a second child, but after three years, we failed. Today, I went to the Earth Temple for fortune telling and asked when I would be pregnant. The old gentleman said a lot of classical Chinese, but I didn't understand it. I only heard the last sentence: there are nobles to help ...!
9. Fortune tellers have completely evolved! I was walking on the road while playing with my mobile phone just now. A fortune teller shouted at me, "Young man! Come here! I don't think your signal is very good recently! Let me help you test the nearby Wifi password! "
10, son: "Mom, can you give me a few hundred dollars to sing with my friends at night?" Mom: "You are still so young. Don't go to those places. What are you singing?" ! Besides, you are so old, go and do the laundry! "
165438+ The proprietress gave me a look and stopped. I asked the child, "How did you make your mother angry? The child looked innocent and said, "I just peed in the pot." "What? Pissed a bubble? Also returned? Boss, are you tired? Take a break and let me do it! "
12, my friend took the train, and there were many people checking in, so I took my ID card and ticket in my hand. After he got on the bus and settled down, his friend took out his train ticket and checked it. He was happy to find that the ticket had not been cut. Fuck, I lost a corner of my ID card!
13, my husband loves to drink and also likes to invite friends to drink at home. That day, I found a bottle of wine in my daughter's room. Thinking of her unhappy expression when my husband and cousin were drinking the night before, I asked my daughter, "Did you take your father's wine away last night?" "You didn't see him drink like that. If you drink any more, I'll confiscate their wine. " Speaking of which, my daughter is angry. "Did he quarrel with you?" My daughter gave me a white look: "Think about it, if you take away the bones chewed by the dog, can the dog not worry?"
14, Xiao Ming: "Dad, the light bulb in your bedroom is always broken. Can't you change it yourself? " Dad: "Yes, what's the matter? The light is not broken. " Xiao Ming: "Then why does my mother let me go to Uncle Wang's house next door to change the light bulb as soon as you work the night shift? He changes it very slowly, so it always takes more than an hour?" Dad: "Maybe your uncle Wang doesn't know electricity." Xiao Ming: "I said, my mother is always charged."
15. When I went to KTV with my friends, my friends insisted on finding some girls to accompany me. The waiter called the man into the box and said, "What do you need to leave, sir?" Me: "I will drink, step forward!" " Go forward several times. Me: "Go out if you can drink. I didn't buy enough wine for you to drink!" " "
16, after school, Xiao Ming asked the teacher: "Why is there a holiday on Children's Day and a holiday on Teachers' Day?" The teacher walked past with a gift box in his hand and said, "Because you are still young."
17, a Japanese customer came to the company. When eating, he was very polite, just clinking glasses. After eating, he went to the factory to see the equipment. I don't know which big brother opened the manhole cover, but the little devil disappeared with a sigh as soon as he got off the bus. The boss of the unit came with a sentence: "Lying in the trough, or a ninja."
18, I often feel a pair of eyes staring at me outside the window when I sleep. When I was timid, I always covered my head with clothes, but even if I blocked my sight, I couldn't stop the penetrating voice from my ear-"What are you doing?" My class teacher asked.
19, A: What was the most touching thing that happened to you in this life? I was robbed once. A: What's so touching about this? B: He robbed me of 20, I gave him 50, and he got my 30 back. A: ...
20. I took the bus today and saw a buddy next to me with a foot in plaster. After one stop, four or five grandfathers came up and I was about to give up my seat. Unexpectedly, this guy in plaster suddenly stood up and said, "Grandpa, sit down and don't hit me." My legs trembled in an instant.
2 1, I went home after drinking in the middle of the night, and as soon as I entered the room, I saw my wife and Lao Wang next door in Lao Zi's bed. I am very angry. Rob two dogs is a beating. After the fight, I was a little sober. Look at the side. Damn it, I entered the wrong door. I quickly apologized to Lao Wang and his wife, saying that I had drunk AG in the wrong house. He grabbed my collar and said, I can understand that you entered the wrong fucking door, but you don't have a wife, you know?
22. My mother took me and my sister and said, "When I was a child, I wanted you two to grow up quickly, one to be a man like my father and the other to be a woman like my mother. I can't believe my dream has come true now. One of you became a woman and the other became a bitch. "
23. I once liked a girl who studied medicine and took classes with her. I didn't know whether the teacher was convulsing or not that day, so I began to talk about how to take medicine to make my husband die suddenly for unknown reasons. Eat for six months, 1 year,1year. Looking at her bright eyes and taking notes carefully, I made up my mind to be good friends with her.
24. In order to pretend to be a local tyrant, I specially bought a pair of silver chopsticks to eat in the canteen. Who knows, chopsticks turn black as soon as they are set down!
25. Today, my friends and I went to the 4S shop to look at cars. I took a fancy to one. The salesman said it was very good. I asked how good it was. The salesman said, "If the car goes 500 meters and no girl jumps in, then you should consider your appearance!" "
26. My mother often picks up the food that accidentally falls to the ground and secretly puts it in my father's bowl. After cooking some food that she was not sure was bad, she told me not to eat it until my father ate it without any problems. It's not easy to think that my dad can live to this day. ...
27. Send a text message to the male god: "Although I am several years older than you, I want to associate with you." Unexpectedly, he replied in a second: "Actually, I want to associate with you in Ye Ting." Haha, he must be so excited that he typed the wrong word. Then he replied, "typo, I'm sorry." I'll check and send it to you. " After a while, he sent another short message: "In fact, my grandfather really wants to associate with you."
28. Take your temperature today, 39 degrees and 7 minutes. Run to the clinic to get the medicine, knock, knock. Medic: "What is it?" Me: "I have a fever. Take some antipyretic." Hygienist: "Don't be ridiculous, I can't do anything below 40 degrees, and I can't go back to the sky above 40 degrees. What should I do! " "Boy, come out, I promise not to kill you!
29. My husband's birthday is only one day away from mine. Tomorrow is his birthday. I asked him, "How are you going to spend your birthday tomorrow?" "How to save money?" "That is my birthday the day after tomorrow. How to live? " "What is happiness?" I was overjoyed and asked, "How can I be happy?" "I'm happy to save money."
30. One day, Lao Wang took a bus, and a pregnant woman got on the bus and found that there was no place. She said to Lao Wang, who was sitting by, "Didn't you see that I was pregnant?" Lao Wang looked at the pregnant woman in surprise and said, "Were we neighbors before?"
Editor's note: I didn't feel anything about the "patriotic" movement at first, but I was really moved by the passion of a group of aunts in Gulou Square last night and couldn't help but participate. They shouted "recovery!" I shouted "Diaoyu Island!" They shouted "recover" again, and I shouted "Diaoyu Island!" They went on to shout, "Hip up!" I have to go.
Appreciation of 30 Idioms Laughing to Spit Rice
Introduction: There is a limit to men's patience with women. If you laugh at me, I will put up with it. If you scold me, I will bear it. If you dare to hit me again, don't blame me for running away regardless of the image of a man.
1. A beautiful colleague formally asked me this morning: Are you free to invite someone to dinner tonight? I said yes. She said: Then you will be on duty for me, thank you!
2. There will be military training before the start of school, and all freshmen will be trained in a playground. In order to find a bigger place, our instructor took us left and right for a long time. A classmate in the team couldn't help asking, "Instructor, are you playing with snakes?"
Children at risk are being taught how to deal with it on TV. I want to test my two-year-old son, so I pretend to faint and see what he can do! The son shouted, "Mom, Mom, what's wrong with you?" I opened my eyes with my hand and said, "Mom, are you really dead?" I waited for a long time, but I didn't hear anything from him. Through my narrowed eyes, I saw my son counting the money in his wallet. ...
4. The day before Valentine's Day: My son came back from school and fell asleep in bed. She sneaked into the room, opened her son's wallet and saw a picture of a girl. After sighing, she quietly stuffed hundreds of dollars. -maternal love; My son came back from school and fell asleep in bed. He slipped into the room and opened his son's wallet. He saw a photo of a girl, sighed, and slipped a XXX. -Fatherly love
5. On Valentine's Day, someone wants to ask pLMM out to play and talk about QQ. Have you eaten? I have already eaten. A: It's too early. Can I talk to you for a moment? I'm going to eat. I'll talk to you another day.
6. One day I went to the Internet cafe to surf the Internet. Ask the cashier, Miss Sister, how many minutes do you surf the Internet for an hour? Sister replied: 60. I said, it's too expensive to go. Then I went out.
7. At the company meeting, a manager was talking, and I suddenly farted. The manager smiled and said, "Hey, can you stop talking when I fart!" "
8. The girl showed her boyfriend a showdown: "I always told myself that your essence is good ... but I found that I was wrong. The essence of stool is also whole grains! " "
9. One of my colleagues in the company is Yuan Jian. His wife is pregnant. One day, we discussed the name of the child. Please make suggestions together. Colleagues have their own opinions. One colleague jumped out: Dad's name is Yuan Jian, and his son's name is of course copied ~
10, one morning, I punched in at the front desk of the company for four or five times, but I couldn't get through. I was so angry that a colleague stood behind me and asked what you were doing. Punch in ~ You have the bank card of China Bank, and you can only swipe it at noon!
1 1, "Dad, it's so cold in the room." "You can stand in the corner." "Why?" "Because the angle is 90 degrees."
12, "What's your favorite male idol group?" "Deyun Society."
13, do you know a more elegant explanation of "leg rolling"? "get out! ! Heifer! ! "
14, half of the subtitles disappeared in the movie, and the screen said: I don't know French, so I made up all the subtitles in front, so I can't make them up. ...
15, it took more than ten years to discover the secret! When I was a child, the "Longweixian" was originally called-Lonely God! Lonely emperor! Mom, no wonder I'm single. I ate too much when I was a child!
16. When chrysanthemum was still a kind of flower, I wrote in my composition that "the old man's face smiled into a chrysanthemum in late autumn" and was regarded as a model essay by the teacher. How simple we were at that time!
17, we used to give the first 20 rounds of senior one 1000 yuan bonus every semester. A cow took a bonus from the last semester of senior one to the last semester of senior three, and saved 5 thousand yuan. In senior three, she bought a crazy girl and failed in the college entrance examination. ...
18, female: "The happiest moment of the day is when you take me to the corner to eat braised pork rice by bike after work." Man: "To tell the truth." Woman: "You take me to eat braised pork rice by bike." Man: "To tell the truth." Female: "Braised pork rice ..."
19. On the way to learn the scriptures, two the Monkey King were killed, went to heaven and went down to earth. No one can tell the truth from the fact. Guanyin suggested that it is better to let two monkeys choose their favorite fruit, which will confuse all beings. In the end, Wukong chose durian, and Liu Er chose peach ... At this time, the background music sounded: There are stone monkeys, and they would rather choose durian than let go. ...
20. A few days ago, my 10-year-old son was taught that if you don't study hard, I will send you back to your hometown to herd sheep. Now it's a tragedy. My son is clamoring to go back to his hometown to herd sheep every day, and his eyes are still shining!
2 1. One day, my brother and I went to a restaurant for dinner and were in full swing. A woman with a red face (probably drunk) came up to us, pulled my brother and kissed him. After kissing, we turned and left, and we were shocked at once. My brother was completely intoxicated and kept talking about taking peach blossoms. This is certainly not the point. The point is that after a table of dinner, another woman came up to us and told us that they were playing truth or dare. Just now, that woman lost the big adventure and tried to kiss the ugliest man in this restaurant ... my brother was going to faint on the spot.
22. I had a nice dinner at my boyfriend's house last night and went back to my room. After a few words with him, I lost my temper. Because of his parents' face, I couldn't get angry, so I said to him, "Don't tease me in the future, it's a dog!" " So I ignored him. Ten minutes later, the goods with a small tomato into my mouth "woof ... low bark ... woof ..."
23. Husband: How happy I am to find such a good wife in my last life! Wife: You didn't fix it, I made a mistake! Husband: ...
24. Take your own pulse at the beginning of school and keep the class quiet. Suddenly, the girl in the back row shouted: Fuck, because Mao has two veins! The head teacher said bitterly: Girl, you should be happy! In an instant, the whole class was petrified ... Two seconds later, the whole class was boiling.
25. My mother invigilates the second grade English. If she has hearing problems, she will listen to conversations, draw smiling faces or cry. There is a little girl who just transferred to another school in the second row. Her English is not good. The little boy on her right turns to smile or cry at her every time she asks questions. Later, my mother told me with a smile that it was obvious cheating, and I didn't care because it felt too clean.
26. I am a woman, and I have a stupid male deskmate. I look excellent, but I'm actually an internet addict, and my deskmate doesn't know. I just went to the Internet cafe and happened to see him there. He looked at me stupefied. I smiled at him and he quickly avoided my eyes. After a while, he stood not far from me, and I smiled at him. He still looked stupefied, and then suddenly avoided my eyes. Two minutes later, a multimedia message came from the mobile phone: deskmate, there is a person in the Internet cafe who looks like you. I photographed her profile for you, but I didn't dare to take it directly for fear that others would find out.
27. The mid-term exam gave an ancient Chinese translation question: The deceased was like a husband, and he stayed up all night. After correcting the papers, the teacher said seriously to the whole class: there is an interpreter in our class, which wrote:' That dead man looks like my husband, and he looks like him all the time'.
28. Before children called me "brother", I would kneel down, touch their heads and say with a smile, "Call me uncle." Now, when the children call me "uncle", I will pretend to smile, touch my face and say softly, "Just call me brother."
29. A female colleague asked me, "If I see a boy who is very suitable for taking the bus, how can I hook up?" God replied, "Pretend to be epileptic, foam at the mouth, fall into his arms, twitch with your hands, and take the opportunity to grab his crotch. If you are old enough, continue. If you are not satisfied ..."
30. After watching the movie, my wife and I went home. Just coming out of the cinema, my wife said it was windy and a little cold, so I silently zipped up my clothes.
Editor's note: squeeze out a cleavage and say happily to my boyfriend: "Come and see my career line!" " "My boyfriend looked at it for a long time and said," Your career is quite bumpy. "I ...
The complete works of funny classic phrases of laughing and spitting rice
The complete works of funny classic phrases of laughing and spitting rice
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful duckling, and later it became a beautiful roast duck.
2, my sister is very decisive, for example, I will eat immediately when I am hungry.
I wish on a star. I don't really trust him, but … it's free anyway!
4, what do you write, that is, will you believe it? What? You really believe it, how so naive!
5. Yes, you are a smart man. Unfortunately, your surname is very weak. ...
6. Getting up now depends not on perseverance, but on peeing.
7. Always be young, always be act young, never be grateful, and always shed tears.
8, you send my lover, I will send you a favor.
9. Life is her person, and death is her mascot.
10, a fuel-efficient lamp is by no means a good lamp!
1 1, bleeding ... Will it hurt?
12, regardless of the white hat and black hat, it is not a good hat that will turn green.
13, Online is for you, Invisibility is for you. Online is afraid that you can't find it, and invisibility is afraid of obstructing your eyes.
14, I'll ask the old lady to give you a red mouth and give you some color to see see.
15, the door operation lights up with a red light to illuminate my future.
16, don't treat me like a cabbage, I'm actually a pepper.
17. Behind every successful man, there is a curved woman.
18, this city is so empty, and this memory is so intense.
19, when I was alive, I was laughed at by others first, then smiled at others, and then died with a smile.
20, a casual back a bag, either an iou or a knife. ...
2 1. If you don't laugh at me for being out of tune, I will give you a unique love song in the world.
22. Seeing that your family is poor, even the mice go to your home in tears.
23. When you say that your brother is handsome, I want to say congratulations on your correct answer!
24, the original IQ is not high, even the emotional intelligence is zero, but also people live.
25. Hello, I'm busy now, so I won't contact you again.
26. The early bird may not catch the worm, but the overnight bird may arrive first.
27. I saw you hide yourself with a leaf, but I smiled and brushed the dirt off you.
28, beautiful women are more unlucky, and yellow-faced women are more resigned.
29. Life is like a piece of shit for a long time, but it turns out to be a fart.
30. The only thing I can lift in my life is chopsticks.
3 1, the difference between an angel and a demon: when grandma falls, the angel will help; And the devil is often the reason for their fall. .....
I want to be your heart in my next life. At least if I don't jump, you will die.
33. If there is someone who will never make trouble or lose his temper again, congratulations, you have finally lost her.
34. I didn't have puppy love, because I told myself that puppy love is to raise a wife for others.
35, cough ~ say what you should say, whisper what you shouldn't say.
36. Some people test their strength, others test their eyesight, and we have to rely on our imagination.
37. I hope all the money in my pocket loves each other and has more children ~
38.are you pure? Then there is no sewer in the world, and it becomes Telunsu.
39. We are all stupid, but I am playing dumb. You are really stupid.
If one day I become a hooligan, please tell them that I am simple.
4 1. What is love in the world? -Buddha said: waste.
42. Don't wait until everyone says you are ugly to find out that you are really ugly.
43, don't be proud, only young people know how to play dirty, don't admit that you are that identity so quickly!
44. Women don't spend money on their period, while men don't care.
45. I will not despise e-sports online games because I can't develop in an all-round way.
46. Grandma said, "The power is out. Light candles and watch TV. "
47. This morning in spring, I woke up carefree, yawned at home, couldn't sleep at night, and couldn't wake up during the day.
48, two ears don't smell things outside the window, read only e-books.
49, nothing to bask in the sun, maybe no one will call you an idiot if you get tanned.
50, the little sunflower mother started class, and the child's cough didn't get better, mostly it was abandoned!
5 1, don't listen to good words, die in front of me ~ ~ ~
52. This woman is obsessed with thousands of troops from behind. Once she turns her face, she will definitely scare millions of heroes …
53. The best day is nothing more than that you are making trouble and I am laughing.
54. Meng Po, give me a bowl of soup ... You give me a bowl of Coca-Cola.
Whenever I miss a girl, I put a brick on the ground, and that's the Great Wall! ! ! !
As long as you live better than me, I can't stand it.
57. It's a waste of your sneaky eyes not to be a bad guy.
58. A bachelor is a person who is not qualified to get sick.
59. Do you hate me? Just love me. If you want to be an enemy for life, then marry me.
The more time we save, the more time we waste.
6 1, blind date declaration: it doesn't matter if it is destroyed, as long as the idea is true, this will be taken, and there will be descendants.
62. The hand is a wonderful tool, which is assembled at the top of a person's arm.
63. Wise people speak by experience, but smarter people don't speak by experience.
64. A dream is not a dream if it is too easy to realize, but without a dream, the reality is dark.
"Even if I am extremely rich, I don't dislike it."
66, marriage enlightenment, as long as he is good to me, even if it is long and handsome!
67. Sometimes it is called scheming, and sometimes it is called scheming.
68. The water is getting hot. Although it doesn't feel good, it can be tolerated.
69. You lose because you are always comparing yourself with others.
70. People are so strange. Too old mobile phones, clothes, cars and houses just don't feel old.
7 1. God arranged a great date for Sri Lanka. If not, aren't you still from Sri Lanka?
72. Life is like a green spider, crawling forward slowly, but shedding bright red blood.
73. TV, a square box that laughs at lonely people.
Even if happiness only shows a thread, she has the ability to pull it out and knit it into a sweater.
75. The latter should be printed on toilet paper.
76. This is often the case, and it is too late to turn back. Even if you are willing to become a rotten horse, there may not be a grass waiting for you.
77. Time and tide wait for no man. First of all, women are not spared. Opportunity waits for no man. First of all, you can't wait for a man.
78. A letter is a letter. Don't believe it or not. You still have wechat.
79. Flip a coin, surf the Internet on the front, sleep on the back, stand up and do your homework.
80. In this age of promiscuity, a "dear" is at best a "hello"!