This afternoon, in our sleep psychology center, I received a pair of young visitors, Xiao Zhang and Xiao Liu. Among them, my wife Xiao Zhang is a close friend of my best friend.

His wife Xiao Zhang is 28 years old and has just resigned from a private enterprise. Her husband hopes that she can go to state-owned enterprises or institutions, but it is not easy at this age, so she is temporarily unemployed.

Husband Xiao Liu is 30 years old and works as a small supervisor in a real estate company. He earns a lot of money, but he is very busy on weekdays and has little time to rest.

Married for 4 years, childless, pregnant, with little pressure. "I'm afraid the pressure will be great after giving birth." Before coming over, Xiao Liu secretly sent me a voice this morning.

We contacted each other through WeChat, and what we talked about was confidential to both parties.

After a few simple pleasantries, Xiao Zhang confessed to me, "Actually, I cheated." .

She told me that before she resigned, she had some sparks with a colleague who had been a partner for two years. The other party is younger than her, born in 1993, and has a strong desire to express at this age.

After a departmental party, the two began to have private contact, which lasted for about two months. At first, I complained about my work through my mobile phone, then it spread to some trivial things in my life, and then there was a "date", including some physical bumps.

She spoke with restraint, which puzzled me.

What I didn't expect was that Xiao Liu, who was about half an hour late, sent a message in the car when parking, saying, "Actually, I cheated."

He admitted that he had just sent back his "lover". The other party is a customer who bought a house through him before, and his age is similar. He had just divorced before he met him.

Perhaps because of the rush of time, Xiao Liu did not explain too much about the derailment.

However, when I asked why I did this, he gave almost the same answer as his wife:

Someone has to talk to me, or I'll suffocate.

It turned out that under their seemingly calm marriage relationship, there was already an undercurrent.

Tracing back to the source, this situation gradually formed about a year ago.

At that time, Xiao Liu was promoted to supervisor. His wife said that he was too busy to talk at once. Later, he didn't know how to speak. Over time, the two people's chatterboxes were completely closed.

In addition, according to what Xiao Liu told me, pregnancy preparation was put forward by her. One is a kind of guilt after "derailment". The two are also considering having one more voice at home, and children are a common topic.

It is hard to imagine that two young people who don't seem indifferent and silent will become "dumb" who don't like to talk and don't like to talk in marriage.

A long time ago, Si Long, a famous American psychologist, named this marriage as "silent marriage", and later we also called it "silent marriage".

It is said that husband and wife are under the same roof, but they seem to turn a blind eye; There is no communication language between the gaps in daily life, let alone some psychological activities; Even at night, both sides of a narrow bed will tacitly turn their backs on each other. ......

To put it bluntly, there is nothing to say between lovers.

In the fast-paced moment, this phenomenon is more and more obvious.

Due to the increasing pressure of life, the pressure of family members is gradually compressed, and many people go home to find some private space. Therefore, the communication between husband and wife has become a dispensable thing.

On the other hand, this situation has not been formed for a long time, and one of many couples will try to improve it, but the result is often nothing.

However, in the consciousness between husband and wife, this silence has become a mode of getting along in marriage, which has no spirit or is not worth trying to solve.

A husband even said to me: communication? That might as well be a fight.

In my opinion, it is powerless to describe this marital situation in more than one language.

It is like a huge fog, spanning the difficult journey of life. More or less, we will all be in it, and it is a luxury to get rid of it completely.

Considering that life is long, we should talk and chat to get through the days of company. As an ordinary person who pursues ordinary happiness, I feel that it is urgent to face up to the "wordless marriage".

Some people regard aphasia in marriage as normal, some people disagree, some people are indifferent, but more people think it is a scourge.

In the long-term psychological consultation, I have received many couples who are interested in this model, and I have also heard many unknown truths about "silent marriage".

Occupational inequality is the hardest hit area of "silent marriage".

On the way to success, one ran forward and the other stood still. For a long time, one and the other had nothing to say. This is not only a lack of common topics, but also a alienation of personality, such as "I am so busy, what do I have to tell you?"

@ Cold rainy night

-"It's hard for me to talk to him. This man is busy every day. Call him. No one answered. I sent a wechat. Don't expect to receive more than three words. Sometimes I even think he has a wild woman, so I can make trouble. "

-"But I know he is busy."

Sister Chen, who has been a housewife for 8 years, and I talked endlessly.

She and her husband have been married for almost 14 years. When the child was two years old, she quit her job in the printing factory and concentrated on tutoring her children.

Both husband and wife are in love after 1980s and at the beginning of the century, and their emotional foundation is very solid. Besides, her husband is more capable. At the age of 20, he opened his eyes to the software industry, and now the company is thriving.

Sister Chen didn't expect that it was this "damn" company that drew a satisfactory question mark on their marriage.

-"After his servants became more and more, his cell phone kept ringing all day and he came home later and later. Sometimes he comes back at dawn and goes out after a short rest. Tell me, where does he have time to talk to me? "

-"and I tell you, he doesn't want to talk to me now. When I got home, I was very close to the person they called bean (daughter). Sometimes I watch TV with my daughter in my arms. When I give someone a fruit, I think I'm blocking the TV. I don't know if this daughter was born to me. "

Different expectations of life are another reason for "silent marriage".

If two people lack common goals, it will be reflected in their behavior patterns, and communication will become less and less, which will become an embarrassing situation in which they are busy with each other.

@ Wei Hua

-"Looking at his half-dead appearance, I am too lazy to pay attention to him."

-"let him go to work the night shift, he doesn't, he would rather lie in bed and play with the landlord all night; Go for a long run, no, it's too far. Even if the car ran away and didn't ask you to leave. What's wrong? "

When it comes to her husband, Xiao Wei, 25, can't help complaining.

Her husband Yuan Dahua was introduced to a blind date by his family last year. He is a driver. He retired from society when he was a child. He has good connections and changed himself into a two-bedroom apartment. He seems like a good man.

After getting married, his original diligence has been reduced a lot. He said to his wife more than once: "I have earned enough money, and you have served me well. This kind of life is enough."

Xiao Wei, a junior high school English teacher, can say this sentence is "hateful".

When she is at school, she travels easily. After her graduation trip in Japan, she decided to travel more to China and see the foreign world.

Obviously, this is different from her husband's idea. There is no way. He doesn't want to earn more. Xiao Wei must find a way to be a tutor, make up lessons for others on weekends and so on.

To her annoyance, her husband didn't make any money himself. Once she was a tutor in someone else's house, he had to come to the door and say that she was "cheating" outside.

-"at the beginning, I felt that he dared to fight and fight, and his heart must be full of enthusiasm. I think with such people, there will be many fresh feelings to experience together. I never thought that he married me and asked me to take care of him. "

-"go away! Be sure to leave! It' s a big deal to fly 12 hours, I will take it alone (she will go to the United States at the end of the year, and this plan is prepared before marriage). "

As the movie "An Arrow Through the Heart" said, different levels of knowledge can easily make a wedding turn on silent mode.

@ Waiting for Spring Dew

-"no, no, he doesn't understand at all."

Wang Lu, 4 1 year-old, seemed very disapproving when talking about such things.

Five years ago, after nearly four years of divorce, she was introduced and married her husband Shu with her 8-year-old daughter. Shu, a hotel chef, has experienced a failed marriage before.

There are many signs that this marriage is a "make-do" for Qian Fan.

Wang Lu is a writer, and her spiritual world is too rich, so her requirements for reality will be reduced. Her home is in her heart, a place to eat and sleep, and a room full of fireworks is what she needs and what she can't avoid.

When I first chose to marry Shu, I took a fancy to his delicious food and care for people.

But beyond that, she doesn't intend to have more spiritual communication with him.

She talked to him about Hegel and Schopenhauer, and talked about unfamiliar language. To put it bluntly, it was casting pearls before swine; And no matter how much he teased the wide oil and clear oil, she was completely uninterested.

A couple, two people, each other is completely two pounds deep, and even some echoes can't be heard.

-"I didn't want to cook in the past, and I didn't intend to make him change anything. On weekdays, he reads recipes and I read books. I feel quite good, there is nothing wrong with it. "

-"My daughter asked me for the last time, why don't you talk to my father? She is 13, and there are many things I want to understand, but I don't know how to explain it to her, so I have to say that my father doesn't like me. "

Above all, the aphasia in marriage is more due to the loss of ordinary life.

In fact, most feelings in this world can't stand scrutiny. Looking closely, you will find that everything hides grievances and sorrows, and often these grievances and sorrows are hidden in the folds of daily life.

Xu Chao, 3 1 year-old, told me that he once ran into his wife having an affair.

The other is a young boy. Through the window, he watched his wife holding the boy's hand, and the boy's fingers kept rubbing his wife's back.

In an instant, the fire started in his heart, and he couldn't wait to rush into the cafe and beat the dogs and people to pieces.

But then, he calmed down, and he saw that his wife, who was usually taciturn, was like a different person at the moment, and her mouth kept moving.

"I just watched them stand for half an hour, and during this half an hour, she said more than she told me in a year."

After coming back, he silently washed the clothes he had changed on the first floor, ordered a bracelet that his wife liked for a long time, and then made her favorite ribs.

After more than three years of marriage, he seems to have never done anything for his wife like this.

A girl once told me, "Before a woman cheats, something always touches her."

When listening to Xu Chao talking about his "encounter", this sentence inexplicably came to mind.

If you ask him what's wrong with this relationship, I don't think he can answer. It may be some kind of neglect, some kind of indifference, some kind of blindness, and so on. These inconspicuous little details keep piling up, eventually crushing the loyalty and responsibility that a wife should have.

Time is such a hateful thing, it will secretly save all the little details, and when it grows bigger, it will be returned all at once.

At that time, you will find that you didn't care at first, but now you have had enough.

For Xu Chao, his powerlessness is that time has secretly taken away the trivial words that the couple should have-

"I don't know when it will start, so there is nothing to say."

In his view, this kind of loss and unknown is the normal state in aphasia marriage.

Facing the same face day after day, all the words are finally finished, and there is nothing to communicate and share anymore. If we have to explain each other's silence, Xu Chao said:

"Marriage is produced in this way. Only if they can survive can we be called suitable partners and good marriages. "

When I tried to ask Gao Lei, Xu Chao's wife, "Have you ever been disappointed in this marriage?" She explained something that Xu Chao could not explain.

As far as she told me, all the disappointments came from the fact that her enthusiasm was not answered.

"He always looks at his mobile phone or breaks his computer. He spends all his spare time on ball games and games. I don't know what I did this day, nor what happened to him this day. "

Gao Lei pointed the source of disappointment at the mobile phone, which is not uncommon in China's marriage:

The wife tries her best to find a topic, but the husband only knows how to play mobile phones.

This is the cause and effect of "wordless marriage".

In a world without God, one can only find one person and say a word to him all one's life. In fact, the torrent of one person's heart is enough to drown the whole world.

Therefore, I would like to believe that one day, after getting no response again, she is determined to find another outlet for all the words and emotions that have nowhere to put.

I didn't ask her about the affair. I just asked, "If you could choose again, would you still marry?"

She was silent for a long time and said to me-

"Maybe all marriages will go through this, and he and I will always get through it."

Look, at this point, she and her husband agree very much.

We often say that whether we can be together depends on feelings; And whether we can live our lives depends on communication.

However, often, the necklace becomes a key chain, the veil becomes a rag, the perfume becomes a lampblack, and after the poetry collection becomes an account book, the days become trivial. The first thing that was washed away by the torrent of years was those trivial words.

No response once, no response twice, more times, people who don't talk get used to it, people who want to talk get used to it, and then both of them shut up.

Thus, in the years, two people became the most familiar strangers.

Men think it is the fault of time, but no one can feel this injustice and pain more than the silent married woman.

Xu Chao told me that after seeing her cheating with his own eyes, he understood that the woman who accompanied him day and night also had her own emotional needs.

-"This need should have been the most basic duty of a husband."

I didn't mean to defend a woman's "infidelity", but revealed to him:

"Married women's life, there are too many you simply can't imagine the sadness and difficulties. Don't always talk about that day. Isn't this the day you two spent together? "

Li Meng, a divorced woman, told me that if I get married again, I'd rather find an impotent woman than a boring woman.

She is less than 25 years old and has just ended a marriage that lasted only three months.

Civil servants met in written test, passed the written test one month later, and their feelings were affirmed by both sides, so they got married in a flash.

But the marshmallow of marriage can only last them two months.

Before marriage, what she thought was "reserved, steady and inscrutable"-the advantages of these men-became her curse after marriage.

Whether talking about work puzzles, holiday plans or some gossip among friends, the reply is always "hmm", "oh" and "ah".

Clearly sitting opposite, Li Meng felt separated from him by thousands of miles, never reaching his heart.

Silence is like a blunt knife, grinding and grinding. She can't stand it. At her insistence, the two divorced.

"I believe that he loves me, and I am willing to believe that he loves me, but so what? This silent mode of getting along, really, I can't stand it. "

Now she is alone. After chatting with me for a while, she told me that she was going out and asked her friends to kill werewolves.

She is so young and lively. At that moment, I seemed to understand her opening remarks. It may not be an orgasm, but it is an essential foreplay in this dull day.

Not everyone can be as brave as Li Meng. For Meng Li, divorce is better than no divorce, while for others, divorce may cross the rubicon.

In the process of communicating with visitors, what I realized most was the helplessness of these women.

They all bear the "silent marriage" to varying degrees, and some people choose to accept it silently and then move on with their burdens; Some people face this fact and then try to find other emotional outlets; But few people can get rid of this bad situation.

What they say most is the same sentence, "Would it be better for someone else?"

Some people can speak, some people can't; Some people can't say it now, but they may be able to say it later; Some people can talk now, but not necessarily in the future.

It is a blessing to find someone who can talk, but this kind of luck is not available to everyone.

On the other hand, the thousands of sentences we talk about are basically nonsense. It's really hard to speak our minds. When we meet our lover, we are sure that he is the only one who can understand this sentence.

However, life is a process of reminding you that there is no such person, which is cruel but irreversible.

In a sentence that has been said a thousand times, "loneliness is the normal state of life."

In the movie "One sentence is worth 10,000 sentences", it is said that a person's loneliness is not loneliness. A person looking for another person, one sentence looking for another sentence, is the real loneliness.

Marriage is so lonely and tangled.

Once words become the only communication thing between people, search and loneliness will accompany them all their lives.

Before we got married, our trust in each other was that he was by my side when I needed to talk to him;

After you get married, you feel like you have company. In fact, the trouble in the past was that no one listened. The trouble now is not only that no one listens, but also that you don't listen, understand or respond.

The experience of loneliness is getting heavier and heavier in this process.

Just like in the movie, the derailed wife cried and said to her husband, "I dare not talk to you." I am afraid that you will see how lonely I am. "

I think these women who bear a heavy burden in a "silent marriage" will feel the same way.

For them, they may not be able to explain what "loneliness" is after all, but they know very well that another person may not be able to hold what they want to say but no one listens.

Liu Zhenyun's original novel "One sentence is worth ten thousand sentences" is called "One Hundred Years of Solitude" in China.

I never understood before how a story about a "cuckold husband" can be compared with the world's greatest work exploring the nature of human nature.

Now I understand.

In the story, the woman cheated, not for money, not for sex, just for a few words, to say it.

In fact, this kind of "escape" and "search" that stays in the depths of the soul is a disaster that every one of us will encounter in this life.

Generations have been running on the wasteland of time, and then they have lost weight and become lonely palms. They spend their whole lives looking for another palm, which can cover the lonely lines on the palm.

Therefore, whether marriage covers up this loneliness or just finding someone to cover it up with you, I prefer the latter.

In the movie, this simple truth has actually been directly shaken off.

-"Why did you get married?"

-"I haven't said anything yet. Everyone knows what the other person is thinking."

-"Why divorce?"

-"I can't say."

Once, Tian paid a return visit with his wife of 23 years.

At present, the husband peels apples for his wife every day.

The husband said, "It is much more important for two people to snuggle up and talk for a while every day than I love you."

After their previous unhappiness, they have always maintained a habit of writing a memo to each other every day, which can be a complaint, a love story or even a boring lyric.

I used to write by hand, but later I used my mobile phone.

By the time of the return visit, the pad had been stuffed into a whole box, and dozens of pages had been saved on the mobile phone.

When I asked if I could have a look at the specific content, my husband waved shyly. "Farewell, it's all rubbish."

Hearing this, the wife next to him stared at him. "Yours is rubbish, and I can't take my attention off it."

That's great. Regardless of whether you are distracted or not, you can stick to a habit for each other. Is there a better way to explain "love"?

My wife thanked me for inspiring her to keep the secret of love, that is communication.

Keep communicating, keep sharing, don't hold back what you have to say, and you won't let go if you decide. If there is a problem, solve it on the spot. Don't hide it.

"This kind of thing will be moldy if it is left for a long time, but it will stink at that time."

Yes, there has never been a perfect marriage in this world, and there are no lovers who are 100% compatible. Those rare "eternity" in your eyes are just something you always want to say and something you always want to hear.

Someone asked the meaning of marriage, what is it?

Perhaps this is the best answer I have ever seen:

When you are most helpless and weak, when you are most depressed and down-and-out, he will hold your chin up and stay with you to share your destiny.

At that time, apart from love, there were also sincere loyalty, tacit understanding and unforgettable kindness between you.

Happy marriages are always similar. This is like a long exercise, in which we learn to respect, tolerate, understand, be grateful, accept life and be kind to ourselves.

Unfortunately, marriage takes different forms.

It gives women the feeling of exploitation and oppression, takes away our youth and drains the most primitive, innocent and free yearning for love in our blood.

Therefore, after all, marriage is a matter for both parties. Even if it is a hardship, I hope it is you and me.

Two people spent all the years together, and then reached the other side of the ideal together.

At this time, I feel very sad to think that we can find someone to talk to, but after the song, everything is calm. How to deal with the loneliness in our bones?

Perhaps, what has been trapping us is not loneliness itself, but our nervousness and confusion about loneliness.

The meaning of life is never to talk, and the lonely ending is that you can't find a like-minded person to talk to. Since loneliness is a normal state that goes hand in hand, accept it and work hard with hope.

As for the silent marriage, we can't judge it by simple right or wrong, and the way of overthrowing and rebuilding is naturally not the best.

After all, a good marriage is run by two people with harmonious outlook on life. Consider it a competition. There's nothing to say. However, a big score fell behind, delayed time, won and gained great happiness for the rest of my life.

Liu Zhenyun said in the book that life is behind, not in front.

Time is a snake that swallows its tail. We are in it, and we never know what is the beginning and what is the end. It is really difficult to learn to be tireless and learn from each other for a long time in the stomach of time.

Fortunately, we have the power to draw out a sword and cut off water, the confidence to go upstream and the courage to start again forever.

The rest of my life is still early, so I don't want anything vigorous and radiant.

I only hope that you can talk to me more, eat more, do more things, spend more time with each other, and spend more time.

Ding guijun

September 2, 2065 438+08