Juanya's lover, who is very nice, still respects and loves her family, but there is a small detail that Juanya can't understand. At first, my wife went to her mother's house, and she was still very active, but for some reasons after marriage, she didn't like it very much.
Juanya thinks that her lover will go back to her parents' home for the New Year, and will not go back to her hometown during the usual small holiday before marriage (her lover's hometown is far away). After marriage, her parents' home is close, so it is natural to think of going back to her parents' home for the New Year when she has time for a small holiday.
However, every time she approaches a small holiday, her lover's performance makes her puzzled, so she quarrels a few words. Her lover blurted out several times: I don't like the rice and vegetables cooked by your mother.
For this reason, Juanya seems to have nothing to refute, but at the thought of going to her parents' house before marriage, her lover still ate with relish and said it was delicious. Why did she suddenly dislike her mouth after marriage? Is it deliberate to please before marriage? There is another reason.
Juanya also said a detail. Because her mother-in-law doesn't work, she likes to come to their house. She stays for a long time every time she comes. She pays special attention to cooking, and even regards cooking as the most important thing in the day, especially before the husband and wife get off work. She always calls or writes three or five WeChat messages and asks: When will it arrive? The purpose is also good, just to let them eat hot food. Moreover, in her in-laws' home, she also found that both her father-in-law and her lover liked her mother-in-law's cooking very much, and always said it was delicious. My mother-in-law prefers to cook. Even when cooking, she will always say by the way: the dishes cooked at home are not as delicious as those cooked outside, and the dishes cooked outside are expensive and unpalatable. My son only eats the food I used to cook. ...
Of course, there are other details. For example, my mother-in-law is a little strong and controlling, and attaches great importance to Juanya's lover. They went to Juanya's parents' house several times, and her mother-in-law would call her lover. Loving others means that mother-in-law doesn't get along well with grandma's family, but she is very close to grandma's family.
Family of origin is a family with parents, and the second generation family is a small family with lovers reunited. Generally speaking, small families take precedence over family of origin.
The above examples seem to be trivial details in life, and there is no big conflict in principle, but if you comb them carefully, you will find something very interesting, about family background, mother-child relationship, mother-in-law relationship, Weng Xu, and husband-wife relationship in a new family. ...
China people pay attention to family ethics, respect the old and love the young, and several generations live happily under the same roof, which also leads to the overlapping and unclear boundaries of various relationships, and even the struggle for rights. Some contradictions and conflicts also have China characteristics. For example, the very common contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, whether to return to her mother's house during the New Year or not, and so on.
Let's talk about a few relationships first.
Mother-child relationship
There is a natural blood relationship between mother and son, and they are naturally very close; Moreover, many Chinese mothers have gone through hardships and paid more for their children, which is conditional. Some rural women, deeply influenced by the idea of raising children and preventing old age, have no other jobs all their lives. They are preoccupied with their families, especially their sons, and intentionally or unintentionally instill some thoughts into their sons: Your mother has done a lot for you, so you should be obedient and filial to your mother in the future, and don't let her get angry and disappointed. When my son grows up and becomes a family, it's like the hope of his life. The fruits of life-long watering and cultivation were interfered and taken away by an outsider. That kind of loss is self-evident, and there will be some hostility to his wife subconsciously ~ ~
conjugal relation
The relationship between husband and wife is a legal interest relationship and a community of interests, and there is an interactive formation process. Both sides have a deep understanding of each other, so, generally speaking, the relationship between husband and wife is also close. However, due to the different models and rules of family of origin, there will always be conflicts between family of origin's old relationship in the new intimate relationship, so it is particularly important for both husband and wife to be tolerant, empathetic and actively communicate.
Relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and Weng Xu
As mentioned earlier,
First, due to the intrusion of foreign daughter-in-law, the almost seamless relationship between mother and child has been broken, especially in families where some fathers have been working outside for a long time since childhood, or have been away for a long time, the symbiotic relationship between mother and child is closer, coupled with women's sensitive and narrow concerns, which often leads to war between two women.
Second, the conflict between the older generation's big family, unclear boundaries and the younger generation's demand for new home independence;
Third, in the battle for the head of the family, some mothers are strong in the original family, but the boundaries are not clear in their son's new home. They always want to be the master and authority of their son's new home, and they have a strong desire for control.
Fourth, the difficult relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, or the change of mother-in-law mentality from the original daughter-in-law status to the mother-in-law status, for example, some mothers-in-law have been deeply disliked by their mothers-in-law for many years, or they are very disliked as daughters-in-law (only care about their own family, regardless of their in-laws), which makes both sides have some preconceived vigilance mentality towards each other.
Relatively speaking, the relationship between Weng Xu or mother-in-law and the relationship between father-in-law and daughter-in-law is much better, and it is easier for everyone to reach a consensus.
The relationship between the three, it should be said that in order, is mother and son ~ husband and wife ~ mother-in-law (Weng Xu); But in the priority level, it should be husband and wife ~ mother and child (female) ~ mother-in-law (Weng Xu).
First, my mother-in-law really wants to control her son and enjoy the feeling of being needed by her son, because her mother-in-law has no job of her own, and her son is her achievement, her proud "achievement" and her value. Therefore, she will pay special attention to her son, always looking forward to integrating into their small family, experiencing the feeling of being needed and having the fruits of her own labor.
Secondly, since there is no job, my son's greatest need is to cook and do housework (of course, this is also the contribution of his mother-in-law, which deserves respect), so he is particularly interested in cooking.
Third, the formation of a new home by a son and daughter-in-law is a threat to the mother-child relationship in the eyes of her mother-in-law. In addition, mother-in-law and mother-in-law don't get along well, and the relationship between mother-in-law and mother-in-law is particularly good. This primitive experience has further deepened the impression and illusion that the daughter-in-law wants to take her son away and rob her in-laws, who are also partners in "robbing people".
It is a signal and performance for a son and daughter-in-law to go to her mother-in-law's house. In-laws and daughters-in-law "rob" their sons together, and their sons are increasingly alienated from themselves, so they can't help calling to ask questions. On the one hand, he reminds his son that he is a mother, on the other hand, he is also seeking the truth and relieving anxiety.
Let's look at the psychology of the lover.
These clues also show that the lover in the example, although on the surface, consciously thinks that he is mature, can control and get rid of it, and forms a small family, respecting the other half of the family (because he doesn't think that the food cooked by his lover is not delicious). But subconsciously, I'm still loyal to my mother.
Or I guess, maybe my mother-in-law will reveal or complain to her son intentionally or unintentionally, especially when she goes to her mother-in-law's house during the small holiday. More words on the phone are "Don't forget mom"
"Don't forget mom's cooking."
"Even if you get married, you are still my son." ...
Of course, in reality, maybe the mother does hold her son's stomach tightly.
On the other hand, the mother-in-law is still not confident in herself, or her world only has her son, and she exists because her son has a deep connection with her. Now, due to the intervention of external forces, this connection has been weakened, and her sense of existence has also weakened.
Although his son grew up and had a small family, he consciously knew that he should go to his mother-in-law's house for a walk, but subconsciously, he was loyal to his mother, and he felt the mentality and motivation behind her excessive concern for himself ~ that is, he was afraid of losing it and being robbed of the fruit. As a son, he unconsciously wants to protect his mother and reduce her worries, so he will unconsciously resist going to her mother-in-law's house and resisting her cooking, and his behavior will show his loyalty to her most proud exclusive "mother's taste"; But this will cause discomfort to the lover and unfair to the mother-in-law.
Of course, there is no absolute right or wrong. Analyzing the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mother-child relationship and husband-wife relationship from an example is just a personal opinion and analysis.
But in the end, I still want to say that when parents are young, they should rely on their children. When they grow up, they should give up, let go, have a sense of boundaries between different families, and understand that the wife at home is their partner for life. We should respect the space and sovereignty of small families.
Parents should have their own hobbies and careers as much as possible, instead of putting all their attention on their children; To understand that each other's parents also love their children, we should put ourselves in each other's shoes.
As children, we should be more considerate and understand the motives behind parents' behavior, and give them relief and respect in actions and words, such as more contact and greetings at ordinary times. However, it is also necessary to balance the relationship between parents, and a bowl of water is flat.
It should always be emphasized that it is difficult for honest officials to break housework, and more tolerance, understanding, communication and respect are needed. When people get along with each other, they are a little confused about trivial matters, but on the issues of principle or long-term repetition, we should understand that the second generation of small families takes precedence over those from families.