First of all, I want to talk to comrades about the orientation of gifts. I remember that in the17th century, there was a famous Spanish etiquette expert named Elizabeth, who once said, "A gift is a passport for interpersonal communication." In other words, she thinks that gifts are indispensable in communicating with people, and I agree with her. Of course, I want to go further and say that when we choose a gift in our daily communication, we should understand its positioning, that is, what do you regard as a gift? I have noticed that some comrades are not very accurate in their positioning.
Once, one of my students contacted a European country to study abroad. At that time, it was difficult to get a visa in that country. First, he asked me to write a letter of recommendation, and I wrote it carefully. After chatting, he asked me, "What are the precautions for going to that country?"
I just said some precautions.
He asked a question easily: "Do you know people from that country?"
"I know."
Then two days later, he came to see me again and mysteriously gave me a bag as soon as we met. I asked him, "What information is so thick?"
I thought he gave me some information.
He told me, "Thirty thousand dollars."
I said, "What?"
He said, "You help me get my visa, and this 30 thousand is yours."
I told him the truth at that time: "A gentleman loves money and takes it wisely. Money is a good thing, but this is not suitable. Let me tell you an ugly thing. If you tell Mr. Jin, you need to write a letter of recommendation, or even a letter to someone, a professor or a scholar. I really know him. To tell the truth, maybe I can really help by writing a letter. But if you send money like this, I can't. In other words, suppose you go to that place to study for a master's degree and a doctor's degree, and it is quite reasonable for you to come to see the teacher and bring him some small gifts. "
In fact, he didn't make the gift clear either. In my eyes, what is the status of gifts when dealing with people? It's a souvenir when dealing with enterprises. Where are the gifts? Publicity materials. For example, I heard that we have a hotel public relations manager here. Your hotel deals with outsiders and you represent your hotel. For example, in hotels such as Beijing Hotel and Diaoyutai State Guesthouse, I go to engage in public relations marketing activities, and the gift I give is actually to raise the visibility of the enterprise and publicize my corporate image, so its role is propaganda. But when dealing with people, it is not propaganda materials, but souvenirs. I used to be a middle school teacher and a university teacher, and I'm still doing it. In my impression, what was the best gift I received?
One year when a class graduated, the monitor came to me and said, "Teacher, we graduated."
I said, "See you later." Also said some kind words, what "riches and honour never forget each other".
Then. The monitor said to me, "Teacher, we have prepared a present for you."
I said, "Thank you."
Open it and see what it is. This is a signed book, a very simple book. That book is almost three or four dollars, with forty or fifty pages. Every student has a page, and they are on their own page. Everyone posted a photo of themselves to me. The photo is different in shape, not a headshot, standing, sitting, lying on the bunk and sticking out your tongue at me with one finger pointing. Anyway, the naughty appearance of the child is vivid, and everyone has his autograph. Finally, each of them gave a word to Mr. A Jin, which was childish, of course, saying "Teacher Jin is getting younger as he gets older", "Teacher Jin is more handsome" and "I love her". In my eyes, this gift is my favorite. It can make me see things and think of people. Even after 10 and 20 years, when I open this album, I will think of my time and my lovely students. This is a souvenir.
You said the children gave me publicity. What does he have to promote? He has nothing to promote, but gifts are publicity materials in corporate public relations activities. In my eyes, gifts are an indispensable part of daily communication, which you need to face rationally. Pay attention to my words. What reason faces cannot be outwitted. The result of giving gifts is to offend others, which will be very troublesome There is a word in etiquette called "when in Rome, do as the Romans do", so a truly well-educated person and a truly well-informed person should understand that communication is centered on the other party.
When I was talking about etiquette, I repeatedly emphasized a concept called "empathy". What do you mean? That is, the gift you give to others should be what the other person needs. Of course, there is also a problem of doing what you can, and there is also a reasonable and legal problem, not to say that you can give whatever you want. But at least you should understand that the gift you send should not be hated or rejected by the other party. This is common sense. When I was talking about interpersonal communication, I repeatedly emphasized one of the most important principles. I told my comrades in the first and second lectures that we should put ourselves in others' shoes. How to empathize? Is to insist on taking each other as the center. You don't think this is a good gift. It's good that others like it. So the first question is the location of the gift. In short, in my eyes, interpersonal gifts, especially personal gifts, are souvenirs, while gifts between enterprises are becoming more and more frequent in a market economy society and commercial society, so gifts between enterprises are publicity materials, which is what I want to talk about and what I must talk about.
Secondly. I want to tell comrades that in daily communication and work, there are specific rules for choosing gifts, giving gifts or receiving gifts. Let's give a simple example. When you give gifts to others, you should at least understand this one: "Everyone has me". That is to emphasize the uniqueness of gifts. Don't be self-defeating, just give what others give you. Maybe sometimes I'm afraid we all feel this way. For example:
When I was young, I worked as a worker and participated in Tangshan earthquake relief. It was sometimes hard at that time, and I was tired without drinking. I have worked for dozens of hours, and the weather is wet. I got into the habit of drinking because I was afraid of arthritis. Later, I was in my forties, and my health was not very good, so I stopped drinking. But many of my old friends, who used to work with me as workers, think I can drink. Because our conditions were not very good at that time, we often drank the most common Erguotou in Beijing. After a while, most of my old friends decided that Jin could drink and preferred Erguotou. That's it. I'm in trouble. During the Chinese New Year holiday, my Erguotou can open a specialty store, with high, middle and low grades. Whenever my old friends come, they will carry Erguotou for me. There is one person who is the most ruthless. Once he almost pulled me back with a jeep. He said: Let you drink for a year. I wanted to tell him, but I was embarrassed to say that I had given up drinking, so I could only look at the wine and sigh.
So it is very troublesome not to pay attention to this problem. For example, as I said last time, it is popular to send moon cakes on the Mid-Autumn Festival. If someone else sends it, don't send it again. Sometimes, maybe all our comrades realize that holidays can monopolize everything, which is boring. To put it bluntly, from the perspective of cost and income, it is relatively poor. Others may not remember, so I don't want you. Therefore, this issue must be discussed. There must be many sets of gifts. As I said just now, communication is centered on the other party, and you must understand this truth.
I once went to a meeting in a foreign country and couldn't come back for the New Year. My wife is cautious. She called me and asked, "What will your parents do if you can't come back for the New Year?"
I said, "Can you go to see your parents instead?"
She said, "I can't. My company has an activity abroad. I happened to be in Korea during the Spring Festival. "
I asked, "What should I do?"
She said, "Then send some gifts to my parents?"
I said, "Of course."
My wife is very clever. The wife said, "You're welcome, so I won't blindly compare pictures. Tell you what, I'll buy you whatever you say. "
I said, "Well, first buy a snow lotus cashmere scarf for my mother in a better shopping mall in Beijing. The red one should be wider, because our old lady is fatter and bigger, so buying her a wider one looks richer. "
She said, "What about your father?"
My dad came in second. What does my father buy?
"Dad, you can buy him a pair of gloves and ski gloves at the children's counter where mice and Donald Duck come. It's just a little big. Because the old man is old, he is 856 years old this year. He doesn't walk well, but he is in good health. I will buy him a big glove in the cold weather. "
My wife said with a smile on the phone, "What can't I buy? You buy Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck! "
I said, "Never mind, just buy it. I have experience in this field. "
A day later, she called me again and said, "Honey, I have bought everything this week, but I feel a little bored."
I said, "What's not interesting enough?"
She said: "Gloves are less than 100 yuan, and cashmere scarves are discounted. Probably 200 yuan, add up to 300 yuan. We don't often send things to our parents. Send things like this? Is it suitable? "
Her original intention is: how can a daughter-in-law like me send thousands of dollars in bride price anyway? "
I said, "You don't understand. For parents who love their children, they don't have other balls. As long as the child remembers him, it is better than anything. "
It's not that courtesy pays attention to people, but that you won't be accused if you have the heart.
I remember when I was a child, I was once carried by my father to Tiananmen Square to watch the National Day parade. Just before I went, I went to another kid's house to play, and someone gave me some candy. At that time, sugar was also a good thing, so I couldn't bear to eat it. When my father lifted me to the gate of Tiananmen Square to see Chairman Mao and Chairman Liu, I also wanted to repay my father. According to my mother's report, the candy paper has been dropped, mixed with mud, mud and small toys in my small pocket. It was dirty, so I gave it to my father. At that time, my father not only ate it without hesitation, but also shed tears. Later, I asked him about it, and he said, "At that time, my feeling was that my child had grown up."
I'm afraid all parents feel this way, so do grandparents. Children remember how happy you are! I often tell students to bring something small to their parents when they go home, not necessarily expensive, and to express their gratitude to their parents. This shows that you think about him in your heart, that you have grown up and are sensible.
So, why do I choose scarves and gloves? This is what I call empathy. Let me talk about a psychological common sense first. Everyone has a desire to express himself, and everyone has a desire to present himself. Boys or girls, old people or children, he is happy or not, he is happy or not, sometimes he often lacks self-confidence, and he cares about others' evaluation of himself. For example, a girl has a boyfriend who buys her a high-end sports car, gives her expensive jewelry and gives her a mansion. But it's easy to torture her, that is, not letting her tell others will suffocate her. Whether a girl is happy or not sometimes depends on other people's opinions. For example, she wears beautiful jewelry, no matter whether it is expensive or not, her colleagues say, "Wow, your jewelry is really beautiful!" " "She is very happy!" Who bought it? ""My boyfriend bought it. " "Wow, your boyfriend loves you so much! "She will be very happy. Everyone has this desire to be affirmed by others.
A psychologist once said: people need to be affirmed by others. Your success, your failure, your happiness, your happiness and even your misfortune are often said by others.
I later said to my wife, "My mother is over seventy this year. The old lady is tall and fat, and her temples are frosty. You put a red cashmere scarf around her, which stands out. When she comes out for a holiday, such as the Spring Festival, people will say,' Oh, Mom Kim, this scarf is really beautiful. "Where did you get it?" She won't say that her son bought it, but that her daughter-in-law bought it, which shows that her daughter-in-law is filial to her. What the old man wants is this wife, filial piety and family harmony. This is the most successful feeling of the old man. My father is in good health, but all the old people have one shortcoming, that is, he walks slowly. Equally striking is that an old man walking slowly is wearing a pair of gloves of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. Dad is a soldier and takes a straight road. Someone must have asked,' Grandpa Kim, why are your gloves like this?' He won't say we bought it, but maybe his grandson bought it. It can be seen how sensible the child is. The benefits of this gift are definitely much better than 10 thousand yuan in cash. I was joking. I said,' It's no use buying my parents a pair of our gold magnetic therapy insoles. Even if this magnetic therapy insole costs 8000 yuan, do you understand that others can't see it? Sometimes steamed buns can only be put on the pleats when they really have meat.' The old people in my family are healthy, smart and not stupid. He won't be told by trainees that there is a kind of insole that is very good and platinum. Have you seen it? Take it out of your shoes and show it to you. No way! "
What I want to tell comrades is that choosing gifts is an art, and the key is to be attentive, attentive and good at expressing one's mind.
Next, let's talk about several issues that need to be considered in daily communication. The technical term is called the Five W Rule. I only talk about giving gifts now, and I will talk about receiving gifts later, because giving gifts is two problems: one is giving gifts, and the other is receiving gifts. What I am concerned about now is giving and giving gifts. In terms of etiquette, the current standard statement is called "5W rule". What does this "5W rule" mean? It is the five words that should be paid attention to when choosing a gift. Their first English letter is W, so we call it "5W rule" for short.
The first w means to whom, to whom. In other words, the receiver. For example, some countries pay attention to religious beliefs and national customs, so gifts can't be given to each other's wives and spouses. In some countries, because of religious beliefs and national customs, boys are preferred to girls. Generally speaking, men socialize, and women rarely have the opportunity to participate in social activities. General social gifts are for men, not for women, and sometimes it is very troublesome. If this country can't give gifts to the opposite sex and women, it will be very troublesome.
In fact, if we China people give gifts, such as it is my habit, I will go to your home. If you are in love, just married and have no children, I am a man, and my date is also a gay man. My general gift is often a girl's favorite gift, for example, I give her a bottle of perfume, or I give her a beautifully printed album. Girls like to read picture books, such as clothes, fashion shows and scenery. He doesn't necessarily say I sent it. Maybe he said he sent it. Because it's right. If they have children, the easiest way is to target this gift at children. Of course, if there are elderly people in their family, especially the older ones, then we will target the elderly. In this case, everyone will be happy, with the lowest cost and the highest income.
However, in some countries, you can't give gifts to other people's wives, so you should consider the difference of gifts.
Let's give another example. When people in China give gifts, sometimes few people generally consider the quantity, and sometimes the more the better. I told a comrade that day, and I said, "If you are smart enough, you should remember Chairman Mao's words: If you want to grasp the principal contradiction of everything, you should grasp the principal contradiction." For example, sometimes we are like a father giving something to a child. The more, the better. Actually, the benefits are not good. And foreigners pay attention to the number of gifts, sometimes very much. We know that Japan, South Korea, North Korea and even Hongkong and Macau in China don't like the number "four". Because the number "four" is pronounced in the local language, Japanese, Korean or Cantonese, and Cantonese is spoken in Hong Kong and Macao, the pronunciation of "four" means "death". From the perspective of custom, it is unlucky to call it "pleading".
For example, Beijingers often send flowers to gladiolus, while Hong Kong, Macao and Guangdong don't like gladiolus, especially patients or the elderly don't send gladiolus. Because of its pronunciation, you can't see it even if you think about it. Jasmine, which we like very much in Jiangsu and Zhejiang, sings love songs. What a beautiful jasmine! It sings all the way to the place where we bid for the Olympic Games. Hong Kong and Macao don't like it either, because it is "unprofitable" for Molly to please. Molly is unprofitable. This is not a feudal superstition, but a custom.
Do as the Romans do! You must pay attention when dealing with others. For another example, I remember saying before that we Beijingers like chrysanthemums very much, while westerners think it is unlucky. In Europe and America, chrysanthemums are for the dead, and they are called burial flowers. Can you believe it? An American boss and a European tycoon are staying in your hotel. You put a bunch of chrysanthemums in his room, and he hit a ghost. In our words, he lives in Babaoshan:
The second w means what to send. What? After deciding who to send, there will be a second question, what to send? Generally speaking, from the perspective of what to give, we have the following questions to say: First, consider the fashion of your gift, or you can call it timeliness. What do you mean? That is, what you give to others should be welcome at this moment. If the gift is out of season, is it interesting? For example:
That day, a comrade sent me a greeting card, which was actually a gift. It was New Year's Day in 2005. I don't know whether he is recycling or making a mistake. I used an old greeting card anyway. I wanted to redeem the prize at that time. Seeing that the lottery number is 200 1, I really feel a little left out.
So you must pay attention to the timeliness of gifts. I'm not asking you to spend more money, but don't let it go out of season. This is very important. It's warm now, unless he has typhoid fever, you should give him a winter coat! Who else would wear winter clothes at this time? We must pay attention to this problem, which is the first thing we should consider when talking about what to send.
Second, uniqueness, say three words: "People have no me", others have no me; "People have my advantages." It is better for others to have my goods, so this thing is interesting. No matter what you eat or use, some things are of good quality. Can you believe it? For example:
I went to Wuxi the other day, and we talked about that meat bone. Wuxi pays attention to eating meat and bones, that is, ribs, ribs with sauce. I said, "I want to take some back to the old man."
A friend told me, "The quality of Sanfeng Bridge is good."
I'm not advertising for them, I just say it fluently. In fact, it is better that "people are taller than me". It would be better if you went to Xi 'an to eat mutton. If you buy Zhenjiang vinegar, Beigushan is more famous. What was the last sentence? "People are superior, I am new" means that everything you send is good for everyone, so we should pay attention to new styles, new styles and new functions. That's also very attractive. Third, portability. What is portability? Easy to carry. I remember once we gave a similar example when we were discussing New Year's gifts. It doesn't matter whether the gifts given to him by local guests are important or weighty. Sometimes, if the gift is heavy or inconvenient to carry, it will be very troublesome for foreign guests.
I remember one time my mother came to Beijing and friends chatted together. The old lady was probably old and didn't mind much, so she blurted out a sentence saying that she was going to have a birthday. As a result, several of my good friends heard that we grew up together and they were all very good. I sent my mother a big basket of flowers, all of which are good flowers, such as crane orchid, many flowers and famous flowers. The old lady was very happy to see it.
When I left, I made a request. My mother said, "Don't bring anything, just take this potted flower back."
The old lady can't say basket of flowers, only a pot of flowers. That's hard. Think about it. I can't even take the big flower basket to the railway station for her by train, but my mother is my mother, and I have to meet such a request. Look for a 130 truck, the flower basket is so high that no car can get into the trunk. In this way, it will be very troublesome to pass the security check when checking in at the station. People look at me and laugh. Someone knew me and said, "Professor Jin, what are you?" In this way, the flower basket was almost thrown in the carriage, and I don't know how many flowers were left after getting off the bus. This is our second point. Pay attention to what to send, what.
The third w means where to send it. When giving gifts, you sometimes need to consider the occasion. For example, gifts for business contacts should generally be given in the office to show seriousness and business. Some of our companies don't pay attention to these things. They give you business gifts and take them home in a roundabout way, as if they were thieves. If you didn't do bad things, if you didn't violate discipline, what's wrong with it? . Business is business, which will give people a very formal feeling.
Once I went to a unit for a meeting. When I left, a comrade said to me, "Professor Jin, everything that should be packed has been packed in the trunk of your car.
To my surprise, I still don't know how he opened the trunk of my car, and I'm embarrassed to ask. In fact, there is nothing, just a pile of publicity materials and two bottles of liquid drinks they made, which add up to less than 50 yuan. In fact, he should generously give face: "Professor Jin invites you to taste!"
Business gifts are given in the office. On the contrary, private social gifts must be given in private places to show the difference between public and private.
Once a distant relative of mine came and brought me a bunch of things from his hometown, mainly a dozen Jin of dried plums. It was probably not easy to find me, so I packed my bags and carried them to the office, and the comrades downstairs kicked me out. "You are not allowed to sell vegetables here!"
He was rather unhappy: "Do I look like a vegetable seller in a suit and tie?"
He came in a suit and tie, but the smell of plums is quite strong, and others thought he was selling. Because he just got off the plane, carrying a suitcase, carrying a bunch of vegetables, half a catty, half a catty, you think more than ten catties, twenty bags are quite conspicuous, very troublesome, which makes me laugh and cry.
Finally, I told him a joke. I said, "You bring me 10 packs, 20 packs, it's no big deal. If you take the wine, you are suspected of corrupting me. You won't be suspected of embezzling me if you take this, but I will share these 20 bags with my colleagues. Everyone saw it. I saw half of it. In fact, I ate less. "
Therefore, this kind of personal exchange gift is private and different to take home. You have to think about where to send this, otherwise it will be perfunctory.
Generally speaking, when you are a guest, or when you are the host, the specific time for giving gifts is different. For example, I am a guest now, and I will visit you when I visit your home. Generally speaking, when visiting others, gifts should be taken out at the beginning of the meeting. This is called being polite at home. What are the benefits of it?
First, it's easy to give others a good impression. You value others. It's not that if you don't give this gift, others will not live. You show your concern and you take others seriously. The most important function of a gift is to show that you value the recipient. "Gift" means respect. When you meet, take out gifts to show your attention to others.
Second, it is easy to form a benign interaction. For example, I went to your house and brought you a bottle of Wuliangye wine. You should change a bottle of Jian Nanchun to your house to drink. I brought Wuliangye out when I left. After I leave, the host may say to his wife, "I'm a little sorry, Lao Jin." Look at the Wuliangye he brought me, and I will give him Erguotou. " This is actually an interactive rhyming problem. The gift says "it is impolite to come instead of going", which has a problem of bilateral reciprocal exchange.
When guests come to visit, they take out their gifts first, and the host treats them, just the opposite. When guests leave, the host usually gives gifts. For example, guests from other places are usually sent on the eve of departure. For example, my father will go back to Shanghai today and he will leave tomorrow. What do you mean? I gave dad a chance to pack. Some comrades are not good at this. They only take it out before boarding the train and the plane. There are many, easy to lose but hard to get. Generally speaking, you'd better send foreign guests on the eve of departure and take them out when local guests leave.
Official gifts, gifts from companies and enterprises, when to send them? Generally, there are two situations: first, when the competent leader meets the other party. For example, when I go to your company, the chairman of the board meets me, the chairman takes out a gift and gives it to me on behalf of the company, and a department manager takes it out and gives it to me on behalf of your department. This is far from the level. The second is to send it at the farewell banquet. It's an ending song, which was given when the guests came and when the host left. It's a good beginning and a good ending.
The fifth w indicates how to send it. How to send? In what way? Mainly emphasize the following two points: first, as long as possible, you need to give gifts in person. There are three ways to send gifts: one is to send them yourself, the other is to be sent by someone, and the third is to send them by mail. Whenever possible, gifts should be delivered in person. In official activities, it is the company that deals with government departments. This gift is best given by the competent leader of the unit in person, which can improve the specifications of the gift. When I leave, you ask your secretary or staff to treat me like a thief. The chairman and general manager personally gave it to me, indicating that I am a guest of your company and valued by senior leaders. Etiquette is called "equivalence of miscellaneous guests" and is a reception norm.
Second, we should attach importance to international exchanges and external communication. Gifts for foreign guests generally need to be packaged. In the past, we in China didn't care much about this issue. Some good things are packed in horse manure cartons, wrapped in newspapers and wrapped in plastic tape, just like plain clothes connectors, which will affect the grade of gifts. If possible, our gifts to outsiders should be wrapped. The more formal the international communication, the less we can treat it lightly.
There is still a big problem below. I want to spend a few minutes talking with comrades, that is, what should I pay attention to when receiving gifts?
Accept gifts; I'm afraid there are three points to note:
First, natural and graceful. You can accept it. If you feel that you have not violated the prohibition, the party discipline, the national law, the foreign affairs discipline, and the interpersonal relationship between the two sides. Accept it if you can. But this is disrespect! However, if some gifts are unacceptable, you should immediately explain the reasons to the giver: "I'm sorry, I really appreciate the gifts you gave me, but our company has regulations that you can't accept gifts, especially cash and securities." Thank you for your kindness. Please take them back. " Be sure to make it clear in person, and don't entrust others to donate in the future, because different countries, different societies and different enterprises pay different attention to it, so you should pay attention to this issue, which is the first.
Secondly, I want to express my gratitude. There are several specific ways to express gratitude: First, if you accept a gift from others on the spot, it is best to express your gratitude orally, "Thank you for your kindness, thank you." If you want to say these things, if necessary, you should shake hands with each other and thank them. The second is to appreciate each other's gifts. For example, if I give my wife a scarf, I think if my wife is smart, she will take it out of her bag at once and do nothing. I said, "Wife, I'll give you a present." She won't say, "You wait, I'll read the newspaper and watch the TV series." "I'm cooking." That attitude will affect my mood! I value you, but you don't value me I believe that if she is smart, she will stop everything at her command, immediately open the parcel, put the scarf around her neck and say, "Husband, this is just the scarf I need. It's beautiful. " I will buy it next time, and I will buy it even bigger. Some comrades will not say, "Oh, this ugly, old-fashioned." I will never buy it for her again. "It's indecent to come and not go!" You don't value me! You should pay attention to this and express your gratitude by appreciating the gift.
Many foreigners attach great importance to this. When he gives a gift, he usually opens the package and has a look. If it is a gift from someone else, or a public relations gift in a grand business activity, it is not convenient to look at it and thank you. You can call afterwards, or write a letter saying, "I appreciate your gift." "Your present is on my desk."
For another example, I am in love. This tie should be given to me by my girlfriend. Suppose she gave it to me yesterday. I dated her today. I won't say anything. Do I value her? Do I love her? I won't say anything. I will wear this tie, which shows that I thank her and I value her. Very good practice.
Third, keep a low profile. Let's talk about a problem that should be paid attention to after accepting gifts. Generally speaking, gift-giving is a kind of personal communication, especially personal communication, so you should pay attention to keeping a low profile in front of outsiders and don't say, "Who gave this to me? Who gave this to me?" I'm afraid it's common sense to ask what you can say, but you don't have to show off if you don't have to.
That's all I want to say. Especially as a low-key thing, don't give this gift to others without special reasons. For example, the tie I gave you, and the tie I gave my boyfriend was for his brother. I was very angry. This is inappropriate. The tie you gave me is mine. If I don't like it, I'd rather not use it than give it to others. This is also very important. Of course, if you want to sell it as garbage, you will be in trouble. Professor Jin kindly gave you a book he wrote-the one he thought was the best, signed it, but met it in a garbage dump two days later. You must be angry, right? So this is the aftermath. Today, the focus of our talk about gifts is how to give gifts to others and how to accept gifts from others.