It is said that "farewell to the wrong can meet the right", but the sadness of breaking up is always inevitable:

I can't sleep every night, and I always cry; On the surface, no matter how happy you are with a smile, your inner loneliness still lingers; Whether at work or at home, I always think of TA from time to time, and I feel sad. I don't know when I will come out. You may often encounter these problems when breaking up and don't know how to deal with them.

breaking up is never a trivial matter. In addition to the common saying that "time heals everything", we hope that the following psychological knowledge can help you spend this difficult time better.

This article is divided into seven parts:

1 What do we usually do after breaking up?

2 what will happen to our mood after breaking up?

3. What can we do?

4 Breaking up is not an absolute bad thing

If people around you break up.

6 If these things happen, please seek professional help in time

If you are worried about breaking up soon.

1 What will we do after breaking up? What kind of people we are affects the way we handle breaking up. Breaking up means the end of intimate relationship.

Different adults have three types of attachment when facing intimate relationships: security type, anxiety type and avoidance type (Hazan Shaver, 1987), and their coping styles are different after breaking up (Davis, Shaver, Vernon, 23).

1. Safe You: Communicate your needs openly and reasonably

After breaking up, you may be inclined to communicate your needs with other dependent objects in an open and reasonable way, such as telling your parents about your emotions and asking friends for comfort and companionship.

2. Anxious and contradictory you: make your ex meet your needs by flirting or accusing.

In intimate relationships, anxious and contradictory you have more ambivalent emotions, more self-doubt, easy to fall in love, eager to be intimate with each other, but worried that "TA doesn't really love me, or whether TA will leave me in the end";

after breaking up, you may fall into a mode of constantly switching: flirting lightly with each other and accusing each other angrily, trying to meet your needs through these means.

3. Avoidant you: suppress your sadness and carry it hard alone

In intimate relationships, you are often afraid of intimacy and it is difficult to trust each other. You may doubt whether love can last long, or think that you can be happy without love.

after breaking up, you will deliberately suppress the pain caused by breaking up and choose to continue.

2 what will happen to our mood after breaking up? 1. falling in love is addictive, and breaking up is like detoxification

"What's it like to like someone?"

"have you taken any medicine?"

"What's it like to forget someone?"

"Have you ever given up drugs?"

In love, you will secrete dopamine in your brain (Fisher, Xu, Aron, Brown, 216), which is the same as many neural pathways in the "addiction process", so you may feel "love addiction" and show joy, infatuation, emotional and physical dependence. Similarly, after breaking up, you will experience a similar withdrawal reaction.

You may yearn for love, fall into a series of painful negative emotions such as anxiety, irritability and anger, and even have impulsive behavior.

Some people who have been broken up may go to extremes and even do something degrading or harmful to their health to try to save their love (Fisher, Xu, Aron, Brown, 216).

2. If you are insecure (anxious, contradictory or evasive), you may also: (Davis, Shaver, Vernon, 23)

If you are extremely sad and sad, focus on the lost TA: He will repeatedly recall the past and be immersed in grief;

Try hard to get back together: take contradictory actions, treat your ex with anger, hostility or violence, bomb your ex by phone, intercept your ex's company and home, and even want to have sex with your ex in order to get back together;

Repressing and shouldering alone: choose to suppress the pain, drink and take drugs, work and study crazily, and refuse everything related to the ex.

3 What can we do after breaking up? Breaking up is so painful, we hope the following methods can help you get out smoothly. ng> 1. put away all things related to TA

put away all things related to the last relationship, such as letters, songs, photos and souvenirs. Because these things related to memories will bring about nostalgia, maintain the brain circuits related to romantic passion in the brain, and induce our desire for relationships, which is not conducive to recovery after breaking up (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216）。

letting go of everything related to the past is the first step.

2. Don't contact your ex for the time being

If you want to let go of this relationship more easily, you'd better not continue to meet and keep in touch with your ex. Many people want to relieve their pain by contacting their predecessors, and the result is often to reactivate more pain. Just like seeing things related to the ex, contacting the ex will also activate the circuits related to intimacy in the brain and induce the desire for feelings (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216） 。

people who turn around frequently can't go far. So don't contact your ex, don't frequently look at her Weibo and friends circle, and don't have sex with her.

3. Get love and relief from your friends

When you want to contact your ex, you might as well contact your friends. Contacting friends or looking at pictures of friends will activate areas of the brain related to attachment (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216), instead of the impulse to contact your predecessor. So, once you are single again, you might as well get together with your old friends and take photos when you go shopping together. As long as you want, you are never alone.

4. It's not so easy to daydream when you are busy.

I can't help looking at my ex's circle of friends, and I'm always uneasy about what my ex said on Weibo, and I can't help wondering if the other person already has someone I like.

after breaking up, your attention is taken away by the other party, perhaps just because you are too idle. After breaking up, we can distract ourselves from our predecessors by being moderately busy (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216), arrange your life according to your own interests. Learn a course I have long wanted to learn and participate in a volunteer service to enrich my single life.

5. Do happy things, and then laugh happily

Laughter will bring about facial muscle movement, thus activating neural pathways in the brain to produce a feeling of happiness (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216), you can do something that is easy to laugh.

6. Try to record some positive energy every day

Maybe at first, in order to attract attention and stimulate each other, you can't help but feel wronged and bitter on Weibo and send some innuendo words in your circle of friends.

However, people who are more focused on recording positive energy after a breakup will experience more positive emotions (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216）。

how can people who want to move forward smartly be trapped by pain? Give yourself a little positive energy, look at your friends and family who care about you, and look at the time and freedom you have again after being single. These are all beautiful things happening in your life, and you deserve a new life.

7. Try healthy and fresh activities and rediscover yourself

Compared with the sadness of "breaking up", rediscovering yourself can help you form a new and more positive self-role. Moreover, from a biological point of view, any healthy and novel activity may activate the dopamine system in the brain, thus bringing vitality and optimism to people.

So if you didn't get a lot of personal growth in your last relationship, being single again may be a good opportunity to realize your wish list.

actively rediscovering yourself may bring positive emotions and personal growth to you who have just returned to being single (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216), so try to get involved in the activities on the wish list!

Starting your fitness program, cultivating new interests, opening up new fields at work, signing up for experiential activities, and participating in learning workshops or academic conferences are all activities to rediscover yourself ~ 4 Breaking up is not an absolutely bad thing. Everyone's cracks will eventually become the pattern of the story

(tashiro,&; Frazier, 23)

"All breakups have happy reasons", and it may be a good thing to let go of your hand after struggling in the alley of love. After all, breaking up does bring us some good changes:

1. Become a better self

After breaking up, you may start to handle some things independently, and then find yourself stronger and more independent than you thought.

After breaking up, you may be able to cry and laugh loudly, and express your emotions frankly and casually. You don't have to compromise your feelings for one person, and then you will find that your emotions are richer and more real than you thought.

after breaking up, we began to pay attention to ourselves, re-recognize ourselves and continue to grow better.

2. Become a better partner

After breaking up, you may find that you used to throw yourself into a relationship quickly, and the impulse overshadowed your reason. Now you think it may be safer and more comprehensive to slow down in the next relationship.

After breaking up, you may find that you used to be cautious and reserved in your relationship, but now you think you should try to treat it sincerely and hug it with all your strength in your next relationship.

after breaking up, we will start to reflect on our own emotional patterns and then seek changes, which will make us a better partner.

3. Become better friends and relatives

After breaking up, we have more free time and choices. Maybe we start to meet more friends and have dinner with our family, or we start to spend more time on work and study every day.

The neglected part in love is gradually filled, from the two-person world to a broader and more free world, and the interpersonal relationship and spiritual world are carefully maintained again.

4. Have a better love

After breaking up, you may start to think about what kind of relationship you want, what you hope the other half will be or not, and then be more cautious and clear about the choice of future feelings.

It's also a kind of transformation from the initial pursuit of perfection to the later love of truth and comfort in feelings. If the people around you break up, you can ...

The end of intimate relationship will be accompanied by considerable emotional reaction, so what can we do as friends?

1. Don't take the initiative to mention information about their predecessors

Whether out of kindness or curiosity, mentioning their predecessors' information may maintain the circuit related to passion in their brains, which is not conducive to the recovery of their brains after breaking up (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216）。

So please give them more space and try not to mention the feelings in the last paragraph.

2. Give them more companionship and support

As mentioned earlier, contacting friends can replace the impulse to contact ex, activate areas related to attachment in the brain, and look at photos of friends can also play a similar role (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216）。

So don't underestimate your company and listening. Try to contact them more on WeChat. If you haven't seen each other for too long, you can also send them a recent photo of you to catch up.

3. Go out with them for exercise

Exercise can improve the levels of endorphins and cannabinoids in the body, thus reducing pain and making people feel calm and happy (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216), it can also activate dopamine and bring a feeling of happiness.

So, on a sunny weekend, we might as well invite them out for a bike ride and visit a small shop near the shopping mall to get them moving.

4. Bring them more sunshine and positive energy

Laughter will bring facial muscles to move, thus activating neural pathways in the brain and producing a feeling of happiness (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216）。

So if you have any funny jokes and variety shows in your life, you might as well share them. You can also tell them more about the funny people and things around you and reduce their pain with a smile.

5. Take them to more interesting activities

If they are newly single, they can actively participate in the activities of "rediscovering themselves", then breaking up may bring them personal growth and positive emotional experience (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 216),

So if you want to participate in food festivals or volunteer services, you might as well invite them to enrich their life and emotional world with activities and create more opportunities for them to explore themselves. If you or people around you have the following situations after breaking up, please seek psychological counseling in time.