My friend Xiaoxin sent some specialties to her family and invited us to try them. Another friend Xiaosu said: "No, no, I will just take a look."

"It's better not to use it. You can eat it."

Xiaoxin was a little embarrassed, so I quickly reached out and picked one up, and started discussing it while eating.

In order to express my gratitude, when I bought delicious snacks, I would give her a share.

I have also encountered this kind of embarrassment.

When I first met Xiao Su, I learned that she was often too lazy to eat, so when I went to the cafeteria to eat, I would occasionally bring her some food back. Or sometimes I go to a distant canteen to eat, and when I see new products, I buy some and bring them back.

Every time she expressed her gratitude and said, "No, no, you can eat it yourself."

But I have already finished my meal. She smiled and said, how about you save it for next meal?

So I thought depressingly, did I buy something that she didn’t like? But I saw her running to eat by herself.

Not just about food.

When school starts or during vacation, I see that she has a lot of luggage and I offer to help her, but she always refuses. At night, I see her favorite snacks outside the school and call her to ask if she needs help, but she mostly doesn’t. Need not.

She never needs my help, never troubles me, and is a very independent friend.

However, I feel that I am not needed.

In fact, after getting along for a long time, I found that Xiao Su is a good friend. There is no other meaning in rejecting others. Maybe I just feel embarrassed to accept other people's things for nothing, and I don't like to trouble others. Owe a favor.

But she didn't know that her excessive "politeness" would often make people embarrassed.

Especially unfamiliar people. It is easy for people to misunderstand. Is this something that she looks down on me and looks down on me?

In a new relationship, offering help is often a way for us to show our kindness, and accepting help is a way to respond to our kindness.

Like a biological signal, helping and accepting help are actually conveying "I want to get closer" and "I like you very much".

In this kind of back and forth, the two people will naturally become familiar with each other.

But drawing clear boundaries, being independent and not owing each other, not accepting help and not being owed favors, the signal conveyed is "no approach".

This kind of excessive "politeness" and "independence" for fear of owing favors makes it difficult for others to find a breakthrough point in communicating with you, giving people a very alienated feeling.

You don’t need me anywhere. I really can’t find a reason to get close to you, let alone ask you for anything.

But if you don’t owe a person anything, isn’t that something you do only when you are determined to break up and break up with someone?

I used to go to another classmate’s house with a friend, and the classmate’s mother happened to be making pancakes. They were not round and big pancakes, but cut into two or three centimeters. Small diamond shape, like a small biscuit.

My classmate’s mother invited us to try it together. She pushed a lot of food in front of our eyes while she was talking. My friend said politely: “Thank you, auntie, no need, we will leave immediately.”

As a foodie, I extended my five fat fingers to the pancakes while expressing my gratitude. They were very suitable to my taste. I still remember that I pestered my classmates’ mothers to ask how they were made. I have to write it down and tell my mom when I get home.

My classmate’s mother actually sat down with a smile and explained to me in detail how to do it.

Later I got closer and closer to this classmate, and I heard her say many times that her mother often mentioned me, said she liked me very much, and invited me to play at her house often.

I laughed it off at first, thinking I was just being polite, after all, I had only met her mother once.

Later I went to her house several times and became familiar with her. Her mother always entertained me very warmly. One time I overheard her say: "I liked you very much when I first met you, and even let me know you." My daughter should be friends with you more."

I don't understand.

Later I asked my classmates why.

She said that when I first came to her house, her mother invited us to try pancakes. Another friend who was traveling with her politely refused, but I ate them happily. I didn’t dislike it at all and liked it very much. look.

So her mother decided that I would be a practical and easy-to-get-to friend.

I was stunned for a moment.

In fact, I was just a foodie at that time, so I instinctively accepted the delicious food and kindness she offered.

But I didn’t expect that this small gesture would be taken so seriously by my classmate’s mother.

Thinking about it now, my acceptance is a kind of affirmation and praise to her, a signal that conveys "want to get closer", and a friendly signal. So it’s easy for people to feel close to you.

?

When we were children, we were often taught: Don’t accept things from others easily. When others give something to you, you should be “polite” first. Accepting it directly is impolite.

Just like in our culture, when others praise oneself, it is impolite to directly recognize it as arrogance. You should deny it tactfully and say, "You are over-praising me somewhere." Only in this way will it appear sufficient. humble.

Yes, this is our cultural characteristic, and humility is also our traditional virtue.

However, there is another saying: "Excessive modesty is pride."

I think the same is true, "Appropriate politeness is politeness, and excessive politeness is alienation."

Neither humble nor arrogant is the best attitude.

I remember once seeing an article about the "poor student thinking" of newcomers in the workplace. One of the articles was "not accepting gifts from others."

We want to be good boys who are polite and don’t take advantage, so we can’t take things given by others!

So when your new colleague smiles and hands you an apple, and you think you politely refuse it, but what your colleague may be thinking afterwards is: "I took the initiative to show my kindness but you didn't accept it. It's so difficult to get along with you. I won't do it again in the future." I won’t take the initiative to talk to you.”

And if you accept her, you thank her and smile, and after some pleasantries, she may introduce each other and even help you understand the new company environment. Since then I have made a friend in the company.

Because giving others the opportunity to express kindness is also a way of getting along.

In the face of goodwill, the greatest kindness you can repay is to accept the kindness of others appropriately.

So, please don’t reject others’ small kindnesses.

If you feel embarrassed, then invite the other person next time.

You may not know that you are actually very independent and never need help from others. It is really difficult to get along with you.