"The world is miserable, so dad went to heaven."

This is my first trip after my father left.

However, my father was clearly not a person who was greedy for pleasure and could not bear hardships and stand hard work. In fact, after fighting tenaciously against the disease, he was still ruthlessly defeated and went to a distant place full of reluctance... Memories are like needles.

It's poison. Think about it once and it will hurt countless times.

Or maybe I'm just too lazy to touch the scar again.

"People who can't get over the past are not free and easy enough." I admit that I am not free and easy enough.

Because no matter what, I can't let myself really let go and be free and easy on this matter.

No matter how sad and sad I am, I will eventually want to leave something for my father who has worked hard all his life... Healthy Father Tomorrow is the third anniversary of your death.

I don't want to recall that time, that scene, that moment too much.

Just the night before, I personally fed you some liquid food prepared by my mother.

I call you "Dad" countless times every day. You can't respond to me in any language, but I firmly believe that you can hear my call.

Some time ago, you would still answer me in a low and unclear voice, but later on, the situation got worse.

The weathered face is always crimson and hot, the slightly closed eyes, the frayed skin, and the shriveled legs all show that the situation is getting worse day by day.

I don’t dare to take a nap next to you every night too deeply or too deeply.

If I can't hear your breathing, I will feel uneasy.

I always fantasize that even if you lie in bed like this all the time and need our personal attention, as long as we can see you every day, we are willing to do it for several lifetimes.

Every time we scrub your body, we feel sad to see your skin become red, swollen, ulcerated, and inflamed due to your long-term inability to move. We wish we could share your pain and suffer for you.

In the last ten days or so of your life, you have experienced too much torture.

Oxygen tube, gastric tube, urinary tube.

The oxygen concentrator whines all day long, masking the sound of your breathing.

The stomach tube inserted into the body had already turned black.

As long as you are turned sideways in a certain direction, you are always in one position.

You have become lazy, your mother often says this to you.

How she wishes you could tease and bicker with her as usual.

My mother searched for doctors everywhere, and even went to the doctor when she was sick, believing that some medicines were skewed.

She wanted to grab the last straw, even if she knew it might be a scam, but she would rather choose to believe and choose a miracle.

To this day, I am not entirely sure whether she still complained about my brother and I for not actively cooperating with her for believing in rumors. Anyway, she had complained at the time.

After you left, my mother cried and complained that you had left him alone and didn't care about anything. You had left us and our whole family.

In an instant, my brother and I became fatherless children.

My father was in the early stages of his illness. On April 24, 2018, there was light rain and a slight chill.

I received a call from my mother. She didn't say anything, she just kept crying. In an instant, I understood what was happening, and I suddenly felt empty inside.

After hurriedly returning home, I found that my mother was in a daze. I don’t know how she survived the period of waiting for us to go back.

No matter how deeply I call you, your slightly closed eyes can no longer give me any hint.

Dad, you can't wait any longer, wait for me to serve you as always after get off work, and wait for your little grandson to come to this world.

The sky was dark, the earth was dark, the wind was miserable, and the rain was bitter. The sky really collapsed at that moment.

I thought so much that it was just a dream, a nightmare that shouldn't have happened so early.

I have imagined countless times the happy scene of you sipping wine, eating side dishes, and enjoying your grandchildren.

It's a pity that my father's blessings were so small that he passed away too early before he could enjoy the happiness of family... I still remember that in the autumn of 2016, every time I talked to you on the phone, the first thing I heard was your violent cough.

Sound, I asked you and you said everything was fine, just a little bit cold.

When I ask you to go to the hospital for a check-up, you always shirk it on the grounds that your work unit has too much work.

You don't play cards and don't like to hang around. You only like to smoke a little and drink a little wine in your life.

Your mother has also scolded you many times for drinking and smoking, saying that if you don’t smoke, you will definitely not cough.

She complained to me many times about your faults, while at the same time she was busy giving you medicine.

I advised dad to stop smoking and drink less alcohol.

But I also understand that it is not easy to suddenly give up the only hobby you have had for decades.

Seeing that your cough is getting worse day by day, you have taken all the medicine in the clinic, and your mother said that you are coughing and vomiting, I feel a little worried, and I call you with tears in my eyes for more than half an hour, asking you to weigh the pros and cons, and to take good care of yourself.

body of.

In short, we talked a lot that afternoon, but you remained silent, like an obedient primary school student.

Finally, I said, Dad, you have to listen to us now, just like we listened to you first.

After that time, you really stopped smoking and drinking. Mom was very happy, and we all thought you would get better quickly.

But your health doesn’t seem to improve significantly afterward.

On New Year's Day of 2017, under the force of the whole family, you were finally willing to put down your work and agreed to go to the hospital for a check-up.

On the way to the hospital, I felt anxious.

In the first step of the inspection, you can roughly judge that the situation is not optimistic.

As the examination progressed step by step, the terrible word was finally ruthlessly placed in front of us - lung cancer, accompanied by bone metastasis and brain metastasis.

The sky was spinning and the earth was spinning, and five thunders struck.

The examination items for cancer patients are numerous and take a long time. During the whole time waiting for his father to come out of the examination room, tears of disappointment flowed down his face.

My husband reminded me not to let my father see the flaw, so he appeared in front of you with a forced smile.