One day, Trouble disappeared. The robber came to the public security bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police, "Hello, I'm a robber. I came to trouble with a kitchen knife."
Hee hee and haha are good friends, very good friends.
One day, Haha died. Hee hee was very sad. He went to Haha's grave and said, "Haha, you are dead."
One day, an elephant was walking in the forest and accidentally touched an ant nest full of ants. It shook off the ants, but there was one left on the elephant's neck. At this time, the ants on the ground shouted to the ants above: strangle it ... strangle it. ......
Three mice are bragging. One said, "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." The other one said, "I love walking around the street twice a day or I can't sleep well." The third mouse said, "It's getting late, so go home and hug the cat to sleep."
The husband and wife divorced for their children, and the wife confidently said, "If the child comes out of my stomach, of course it belongs to me!" The husband said, "Joke! This is sheer nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM go to the ATM? It's not who inserts the card! ?
Chinese zodiac
The zodiac sign of China folk custom is also a topic of great interest to westerners. Everyone wants to find out what animal they belong to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belonging to" Hemingway are often confused.
One day he said excitedly to the secretary girl, "You belong to a pig."
It is too difficult for Hemingway to describe the sex of animals with "female" or "male" in Chinese, because in English, male or female can be used to describe people or animals.
One night Hemingway took her dog for a walk in the street. After seeing me, he proudly introduced to me, "This is my female dog."
helmet
Besides driving a car, Hemingway usually likes riding a motorcycle, saying it is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He answered: Never mind, I will wear a condom. He meant to say "helmet".
measure word
Quantifiers in Chinese also caused Hemingway a big headache. Once he advertised himself as "a hero" and asked him what he meant. He said: "A hero means a thin, tall and good-looking man." He explained that "one" naturally means long and straight, and "hero" should naturally be a good-looking man.
Another time he told me that he saw "a puppy" on the road. I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he seriously retorted that it was really a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by a car, and the squashed puppy naturally became a puppy, just like a piece of paper and a photo.
In addition, such as what "a pair of pants", Hemingway plausibly defended, because pants have two legs, and two are a pair, so that's right. Even arguing with China people, insisting that it should be "a set of ass" is logical, which sounds very funny.
All kinds of "juice"
Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: "Rack one's brains".
The result is:
Rack one's brains, rack one's milk, rack one's juice and rack one's soup.
Ha! "You really racked your brains and didn't come up with' racking your brains'.
A mother said to the little girl, "If someone sexually harasses you, touch the top and say" no ",and touch the bottom and say" stop "! 」
The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back crying to her mother. After listening to the little girl, her mother said angrily, "Did you refuse that person?" 」
The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That man touched up and down together, so I said," Don't stop! ! 」
Ge Liang is a man who is proficient in eight special skills, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing with Liu Bei in the account, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.
I'm afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, how about I call you like a woodpecker in order to adjust the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded.
Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, Master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again, Gang."
You farted so loudly that I didn't hear you. "
A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time, and he was particularly nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn.
Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited is: Red leaves are crazy (maple) ..." ~ ~ # RMB * * ......
As a primary school student, I was particularly envious when I saw the students who were assigned to read the composition by the teacher. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it once. The opportunity has finally come.
"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!"
Pupils suddenly stood up: "My teacher". Teacher, I am more like your mother ... ":(
This time, it is a host of a song and dance troupe who is not proficient in learning.
A performance, I hurried on stage without proper preparation.
The performances are performed in turn.
It's her turn to announce the curtain: "Audience friends, let's listen to the Duzi flute ..." (Note: "Duzi" means swearing in the northeast dialect)
The audience dumped a piece of #-
My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.
When my sister came home for the New Year, she saw it and said to my mother with joy, "Hey! Mom, it's so rough ... "
My mother and I both laughed.
There is a neighbor named "Aunt" who goes to work by bike every day.
Early in the morning, I met her at the door. I smiled and said politely, "Grandmother, big class ..."
Bah! ..... I wanted to bite my tongue off.
Jane doe, a classmate, one day felt sorry for himself, and suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair beautiful?"
Startled, he said, "Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."
Everybody stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...
I take my son to feed the ducks. He chased the ducks around while spreading bread crumbs, and I chased him with his apple (he didn't like it, so I had to wait for a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept calling him, "Come and eat an apple and chase the duck!" " Always repeating this sentence, I finally shouted out: "Come and have a bite of duck ....." and then cleverly braked the brakes.
I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it was said that the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in the mountain. When one of my female classmates read aloud, she also read aloud: I was shocked when I turned this mountain, and a rag hung on the mountain. . .
The whole class was stunned.
There is also a sentence in a text picked from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: all the houses here belong to the old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?
Zhuge Liang is a man who is proficient in eight unique skills, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing with Liu Bei in the account, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.
I'm afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, how about I call you like a woodpecker in order to adjust the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded.
Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, Master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again, Gang."
You farted so loudly that I didn't hear you. "
Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, and let every audience at the scene laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, the whole audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next came the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp finished the joke confidently, and everyone laughed until they rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said again, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough. Laugh as you like. Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"
Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, and let every audience at the scene laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, the whole audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next came the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp finished the joke confidently, and everyone laughed until they rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said again, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough. Laugh as you like. Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"
Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, and let every audience at the scene laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, the whole audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next came the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp finished the joke confidently, and everyone laughed until they rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said again, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough. Laugh as you like. Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"
Ugly child
A woman got on the bus with a child in her arms. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said, "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!" "
The angry woman went to the last row, sat down and said to a man next to her, "This driver just insulted me!" "
The man replied, "Go and get even with him at once, and I'll hold this ugly monkey for you! ……”
A joke that you can't speak Mandarin well.
1, the fish seller shouted at the top of his voice, "Fish, fish." Not to be outdone, a jujube seller next to him immediately shouted, "Shit (jujube), shit (jujube)." "Fish." "Oh,no." "Fish." "Shit." The more the fish seller listened, the more wrong he became. He felt that the jujube seller seemed to be deliberately against him, so they quarreled.
2. The director of a township enterprise will visit Kobe, Japan. He can't even speak Mandarin, but usually only speaks dialects. So he asked his subordinates to find an interpreter, and when they came back, they reported that "none of the Japanese translators could understand the factory director's dialect". The factory director said, "It's easy. We'll bring another teacher from our town and ask him to translate our dialect into Mandarin first." The subordinate said, "Not yet. When I get to Japan, I have to ask someone to translate Japanese Putonghua into Kobe dialect. "
3. A foreigner with a strong dialect got lost in the city. When he saw a gentle young lady coming, he greeted him and asked, "Rabbit (comrade), give me a kiss (excuse me) ..." Before the words were finished, the young lady was flushed with anger.
4. A southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing and said to the waitress, "How much is it to sleep for one night (a bowl of dumplings)?" Hearing this, the waiter changed his look and screamed, "Rogue!" Hearing this, the southerner said, "It's only 60 cents, which is cheap. Come for one night (bowl)."
5. A pair of brother and sister farmers used a scooter to pull wheat to the market to sell. A southerner came to their brother and sister and asked, "Brother, how much is your little sister?" Big Brother was so angry that the veins stood out on his forehead.
6. Niu Laobo is shouting loudly: "Moon cakes are sold, ten for four dollars." Many people gathered around to buy this "cheap" moon cake, and when they paid for it, they realized that the old man's moon cake was four for ten dollars.
7. Old people in nursing homes held a party on Mid-Autumn Festival night. The host, Mrs. Wang, said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the performance is damn (starting). Please be quiet."
8. A northerner inquired where the "cable car" was in a park in Guangzhou. He searched according to the answer and found the "men's room".
9. On the first morning after a couple got married, the family got up to wash their faces. The bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law, "Mother-in-law, please die first." After that, the bride said to the groom, "My mother-in-law is dead, will you die?" After a pause, he said, "My mother-in-law and you are dead, and finally I die." After hearing this, the mother-in-law was livid and couldn't say a word. The bride said, "Mother-in-law, why are you still alive?"
10, an old lady in Putian was selling sugar cane on the roadside. A bus stopped, and a foreigner in the bus came to the old lady's stall to buy sugar cane. Just weighed the sugar cane and didn't pay for it. The car started. The old lady urged, "Come on, give me the money and I'll marry you." Outsiders were so scared that they didn't even take sugar cane and quickly got on the bus.
1 1, a country girl came to the supermarket, and the waiter warmly greeted her: "What do you want, miss?" The girl said, "I want your life (noodles), pig grandson (bamboo shoots)."
12, Chunhua met a friend who was shopping with her son, and hurried forward to say hello and praised: "This little wolf boy (boy) is really cute."
13, a rural primary school started class, and the teacher came into the classroom: "Stand (attend) class." The students said in unison, "It's good to die of old age!" The teacher said, "It's good to die early, classmates!"
14. Two country girls came back from the city. It was late. When they saw a truck coming, they waved to it. The driver leaned out and one girl said, "Comrade, can we be your wives (car)?" The driver said grumpily, "Who wants you to be my wife?" Another girl quickly said, "Never mind, we are very close." The driver was so angry that he drove away, thinking, "Who will go with you?"
15, the village head said at the villagers' meeting: "Rabbits, shrimps, pickles are too expensive, not pickles, but pig's feet." Translate his dialect into Putonghua: Comrades and villagers, let's have a meeting now. Don't talk, but pay attention.
When my friend and I first moved, there was no TV at home, so we were bored. Let's pretend that there is a TV set on the desk, and then the two pretend that they have a remote control and can change the channel. This son of a bitch kept changing channels. I told him, but he didn't listen. Then we started fighting.
The teacher asked Xiao Ming questions in class, but Xiao Ming stood up without saying a word.
Teacher: Xiaoming?
Teacher: Xiaoming
Teacher: Xiaoming! What's wrong with you? Do you know the answer or not? At least let me know!
Xiao Ming: Zhi ~
Three rabbits poop.
The first one is only long.
The second is only spherical.
The third one is actually triangular.
Asked, it answered: I pinched it with my hand.
The cow calls the sheep,
The sheep asked, "Who are you?"
The cow said, "I cow"
The sheep asked, Shit, who are you?
Cow: Shit, I cow.
Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a black shadow passed by, and pig Bajie hurriedly carried a rake.
After chasing out, he came back after a while and said, damn it, Yang Liwei. ......
A man kept a parrot, which was so powerful that all the other birds in it were killed by it.
Later, the owner brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.
The host said, "Not this time."
But after a closer look, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really amazing. If you don't take off your arms, you really can't beat Ya Ting."
The prisoner was executed by shooting. Because of the poor quality of the bullets, the first shot didn't go off, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, Big Brother, you strangled me! It's so fucking scary .....
Have you ever heard the joke that the big pig said yes and the little pig said no? Most people will answer no.
I recommend some classic Flash to the landlord!
1, bullying/miss kloc-0/860
Watch address:/watch/391743.html.
5, pig pig classic dialogue
Viewing address:/b/16505519-1555734242.html.
Today, I was playing CS in the Internet cafe. Not far away, there were two non-mainstream players playing hard. 5. Press the keyboard with a bang! I'm very upset!
So, I also started to press the keyboard! I pressed it hard! Press hard! Press faster than them! Louder than them!
They couldn't help looking over, and I deliberately glanced at them contemptuously! They changed their faces and gave me a hard look! I'll stare back at you right away!
They continued to play with their faces livid, but the noise exceeded mine!
Will I be willing? So, I just slap the keyboard with my palm! Clap hard! Clap hard!
Those two guys stopped playing hard at first sight, and began to clap the keyboard! It's louder than me again!
How can I stop? Hit the keyboard with your fist at once! Hit hard! Hit hard!
The two men glances also began to hit the keyboard! The noise has surpassed me again! I won't give up! Ripped off the keyboard! Just throw it on the ground! I stepped on it hard! Step hard!
Everyone in the internet cafe gave me the warmest applause! Those two non-mainstream idiots are at a loss!
However, under my provocative eyes, they are also angry! They also ripped off the keyboard! Throw it on the ground and step on it! Then they looked at me defiantly!
At this time, the network managers of Internet cafes surrounded them! A webmaster looked at the keyboard that was trampled by them and slapped it in the face! Then the network managers swarmed! Beat up two non-mainstream people!
Finally, two non-mainstream people were lying on the ground, and one of them pointed at me weakly and asked, "Why didn't you ... hit him?"
A webmaster kicked him in the past: "People play CS and bring their own keyboards!"
Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a black shadow passed by, and pig Bajie hurriedly carried a rake.
After chasing out, he came back after a while and said, damn it, Yang Liwei. ......
One day on a bus, a woman left her seat in order to buy a ticket. When she came back, she found that her seat was occupied by another woman, so she was very unwilling and said loudly: It's not good to lay eggs, but it's quite fast to occupy the nest. When the woman sitting in the seat heard this, she quickly stood up and said with a smile, I'm sorry to delay your laying!
A man kept a parrot, which was so powerful that all the other birds in it were killed by it.
Later, the owner brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.
The host said, "Not this time."
But after a closer look, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really amazing. If you don't take off your arms, you really can't beat Ya Ting."
A driver was driving a truck full of hens, teasing his parrot while driving. When a beautiful woman got a lift, the driver put the parrot in the cargo box with the hens and invited the beautiful woman to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver tentatively asked the beauty, "Can I kiss you?" The beauty shook her head very shyly and said, "No." After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked, "Can you give me a hug?" The beauty still shook her head and said, "No." The driver said angrily, "If you can't, go down." After driving for a while, the driver felt that his practice was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and invited the beautiful woman to get on the bus. But after driving for a while, the driver asked, "Can I kiss you?" The beauty still shook her head. "Can I have a hug?" The beauty still shook her head. "If you can't, go down." This has been repeated for three times, and finally I arrived at the chicken farm. The driver opened the trunk and saw that there were few hens in Miu Miu. Only the parrot mentioned a hen and asked, "Can a beautiful woman kiss me?" The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked, "Can you give me a hug?" The hen still shook her head. The parrot said, "If you can't, go down." The hen was thrown out of the car. ......
The little white rabbit was walking in the forest when he met the wolf. He came up and gave the little white rabbit two big ear stickers and said, "I told you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit left very grievance.
The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the wolf again. He came up and gave the little white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I told you to wear a hat."
Tutu is depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to go to the king of the forest, Tiger, to complain.
After explaining the situation, the tiger said, "OK, I know, I will take care of this matter, so trust the organization." On the same day, the tiger found his buddy, the wolf. "It's not right for you to do this. It's very difficult for me." Then he wiped the ash falling on the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come here and find me a piece of meat! She found the fat one, and you said you wanted the thin one. She found the thin one, and you said you wanted the fat one. So you can hit her. Of course, you can also say that. Tutu, come here and find me a woman. She found plump ones, and you said you liked slim ones. She found slim ones, and you said you liked plump ones. You can beat her. It's reasonable and powerful. " The wolf nodded and clapped his hands, and the reverence for the tiger once again rushed to a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were heard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I hate this in my heart
The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence! It was the big bad wolf who came face to face. The wolf said, "Tutu, come here and find me a piece of meat." Tutu said, "So, do you want to be fat or thin?" The wolf listened, and his heart sank, and he was happy again. He said, fortunately, there is a plan B. He added, "Tutu, Mary, find me a woman." Tutu asked, "So, do you like plump or slim?" The wolf was silent for 2 seconds, and raised his hand to give Tutu two big ear posts. "Shit, I told you not to wear a hat."
The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
Boss: "Oh, I'm sorry, not that much."
"Well. . 。” The little white rabbit left dejectedly.
The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"
"Well. . 。” The little white rabbit left dejectedly again.
On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ！”
The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" "
The prisoner was executed by shooting. Because of the poor quality of the bullets, the first shot didn't go off, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, Big Brother, you strangled me! It's so fucking scary .....
A primary school student confessed to his long-cherished teacher. The teacher said it was wrong, but he wouldn't listen. Finally, the teacher couldn't stand it and said, I don't want children. The pupil said: I will be careful! ”。
A mental hospital heard that the leader would come to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the dean called the patients in the hospital to have a meeting at the meeting.
The dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and all the people will go to the door to welcome them. Zaihuan
When greeting, all patients stand on both sides of the hospital gate, and stand neatly. When I cough, everyone drums together.
Palm, the warmer the better; When I stamp my feet, I must stop completely, and I can't make a mistake. If everyone is ready,
We can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. As long as one person screws up, all people have no buns to eat. Remember.
Have you finished? "The patients in the audience shouted together:" Remember! "
This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the welcome patient had stood at the door.
At that time, with the cough of the hospital director, all the patients applauded together and the atmosphere was very warm. The leader who came to visit
Infected by the warm atmosphere, with a smile on his face, he applauded and walked into the hospital with everyone. See the leadership has entered the doctor.
Hospital, dean stamped his foot, all the applause stopped, very neat. Only this leader is still smiling and drumming.
The dean felt very satisfied when he moved forward. Suddenly, a disease as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcome crowd.
People, strode to the front of the leadership, LUN Yuan gave him a big slap in the face, angrily shouted-"Your ya don't want to eat steamed stuffed bun? ! ! ！”
There are three people, who compete in marksmanship together, with a black man holding something as the target.
The first man put an apple on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 10 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew the muzzle and said, I'm Zorro!
The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 50 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew the muzzle and said, I'm I'm007.
The third man put a sesame seed on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 100 meters, he raised his hand and smashed the black man's head. He also blew the muzzle and said, I'm sorry ...
A scientist went to the South Pole and met a group of penguins. He asked one of them, "What do you do every day?" The penguin said, "Eat and sleep and fight peas." How many times did he treat the persimmon, Huan Huan, and the skeleton in Australia? Oh, my god! Peter? What's the problem with persimmon? Prostitutes take care of my garden? Oh, my god! ?
Later, he met a little penguin, very cute, and asked it, "What do you do every day, little friend?" The little penguin said, "Eat and sleep." The scientist was stupefied and immediately asked, "Why don't you fight peas?"
The little penguin said, "Because I am Doudou."
Chinese humor king:/
Haha paradise; /
Laugh and slip of the tongue
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Happy man joke network:
.jokes.yahoo.com/
Trendy network joke:
/joke/jindex.asp
References:
Little idiot messenger, tidy up! Strongly despise, copy and steal the achievements of others!