Prepare one hundred yuan. Fold it in half, fold it in half again, put it on the ground and step on it. Pick it up and see if the person on it has a nosebleed, if it does then it is real.
A governor with a heavy accent went to the village to make a report: "Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, pickles are too expensive!!!"
(Translation: Comrades, villagers, pay attention! Don't talk, we're having a meeting now!!!)
After the governor finished his speech, the host said, "Savory dishes please, sausage and melon!
(Interpretation: The township chief will now speak!)
The township mayor said, "Rabbits, today's meal dogs eat, everyone is a big wangbang!"
(Translation: Comrades, there's enough rice for today, everyone is a big bowl!)
No soy sauce melon, I pick up a dog shit for you to lick．
(Translation: don't talk, I'll tell you a story...)
Prev: The wind is blowing, the rain is falling, I'm waiting for you to call me back. Bottom line: live for you, die for you, wait for you for the rest of my life. Crosstalk: sent to the wrong person.
Forest Games kangaroo, monkeys for jumping high by the lion king praised, the bear was criticized defiantly said: I want to jump over the bridge tomorrow! Lion King: look at you bear-like still in the bridge ah bridge it (you still see ah!)
I heard that a toad jumped out of Lake Taihu today and was run over by a car, I've been very worried about what I've heard, and I'll text you right away, so if you're still alive, please reply to me!
Jianghu know that you are strong in martial arts, but you can not be proud, to do people in the sword, sword in the people, people sword unity, do this, you are no longer a person, is the sword people! Sword man! Sword man!
Look at you, American head, French waist, Indian nose, Hong Kong feet, man is not human, ghost is not a ghost, only one head, two legs, look at you, still looking at the text message grinning!
The red sun blue sky, farmers want to see the third level of film, excitedly rushed into the cinema, angry shouting shocked the sky. The mayor of the village came to ask what the matter, the farmers said, "read the text message of the man does not star in the movie, killed us also do not give money.
Itchy palms? That means I miss your caresses; itchy lips? That represents I miss your hot kiss; body itchy ...... that represents you dirty, still not quick to take a bath!
You are hardworking like a bee, pretty like a butterfly, loyal like a puppy, well-behaved like a kitten, simple like an old cow, and fierce like a tiger, no wonder people call you ...... a beast!
Life to the ancient who has no shit, who poop does not use paper? If you don't use toilet paper, could it be that you use your fingers?
It is a gust of wind, but it is so eternal; it is a dream, but it is so real; you bowed your head and did not say anything, but it is difficult for me to calm down, and I finally can not help but to say to you, "fart first say ah!"
If there is no wind, the clouds will not move; if there is no water, the fish can not swim; if there is no sun, the moon will not have light; if there is no you ...... stupid people also do not exist
Morning I can not eat, because I want you, at noon I can not eat, because I think of you even more, at night I can not eat, because I think of you madly, night I can not sleep because ............ I am hungry
Heard that your phone does not have a text message function, so send this text message test. If you receive it and it confirms that there is a text messaging feature and that it's from me, please reply to me: I have it and it's from you!
The cell phone rings once, on behalf of I want you; two voices, good want you! Three sounds, miss you very much! Four rings, miss you very much; five rings - little man, time to pick up the phone!
I am a lonely tree, thousands of years standing on the side of the road, lonely waiting, just for one day when you walk past me, for you to fall, smashing not flat you even if you live in vain.
The beggar took the monkey along the street begging, he called the monkey laugh it laugh, called the monkey cry it cry, called the monkey bow it bow, called the monkey look at the text message it look at the text message.
The day you participated in the ball game, only to see you a shot in the air, the goalkeeper did not react, the ball scored! We all applauded and cheered for you, you climbed up, patted your ass and said, "Damn, the ground is too slippery!
When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, blessed ears, you will loudly exclaim ---- pig ah!
The water tribe to the old Dragon King birthday wishes, the seat turtle prime minister from his arms out of a thing, looked at it, and put it back. The dragon king asked: turtle prime minister and what is the matter? Shrimp soldiers and crab generals hurriedly replied: the old bastard received a text message again.
Last night, my friend thought of countless, think about it, only you are the coolest, dreaming to find you a thousand degrees, raise dyeing back, you do throw was bolted in the depths of people's donkey shed, cruel! I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this! After reading the information to rest your anger!
Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to go to you, you to the station to pick me up okay? But I'm afraid of the crowd is not good to recognize, you make the head into an explosion style, right hand holding a wooden stick, the left hand end of a ceramic bowl with me to contact, the joint code: okay okay!
I dreamed of you, you use the white clouds to make a dress, borrow a pair of wings from a bird, insert a broomstick in the back of the buttocks, and then the sword to fly to my side, and affectionately told me: you know what? The birdman is like this.
We thought there was a better one, but we realized that the best one is right next to us, just like you. At first you appeared, and not for the fact that, with the passage of time, only to find that you are the best ...... bully!
I am determined to do 3 big things for the whole country: 1 to Mount Everest to repair the elevator 2 to the Great Wall to paste tiles 3 to the plane An inverted gear; to do 3 small things: 1 to the flies to wear gloves 2 to the mosquitoes to wear masks 3 to you to feed some pig feed.
You travel to Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, on the way to meet a group of wild boars besieged, travelers are out of food, money, wild boars do not move, you pull out the only ID card, the group of pigs kneeling and cried out in pain: boss, we can find you!
You are 10 foot womanizer, and often with 9 for fun, 8 may not be home with hundreds of millions of dollars, long years of abandonment of 7 ignore, all day 6 da, looking for prey, 5 need to ask more, and 4 sex does not change, but also 3 heart 2 intention, you must not be a good person.
You look creative, living is your courage, ugly is not your intention, without you, who can set off the beauty of the world!
Tiger after reading the Three Kingdoms, went to catch wild boar, see the pig's nest without a pig, touching his beard and said: empty city! Turned around and saw a dead pig on the beast clip, big surprise: bitter meat trick! Suddenly, I saw you again, and I was delighted: Yoho, there is a beauty plan ah!
The toad pursued the swan, the swan said disdainfully: I if you grow into such a long time ago to die! Toad is not convinced: that pig is still alive and well? The pig heard, feel aggrieved: I invited who messed with who, I just read the text message!
There is a kind of thought called soul, there is a kind of love called white head to old age, there is a kind of beauty called flowers and moonlight, there is a kind of agreement called the end of days, there is a kind of greetings called piggy hello!
I don't want to be alone, I also want to have, walk on the street to see a look, handsome men and women hand in hand, but my left hand holding the right hand, now there is nothing else, just want to go out with you, and afraid of friends will say: all right, don't always sneak the dog.
A military exercise, an artillery shell deviated far, I was sent to check, found that the shell exploded in the farmland, you stood there, ragged clothes, full of black eyes, eyes with tears, said to me: to steal a cabbage guilty of shelling it!
I miss the days when we walked together in the bright spring sunshine, the birds and flowers. The townspeople all complimented you on how beautiful and lovely you were. They also praised me for being so smart and capable of herding hogs at such a young age.
When you are personally empty and lonely, the watermelon may be your best outlet, you can use the knife to cut it, peel it, chop it, split it, at the same time you can shout: I kill the melon, I kill the melon, I kill the melon ah!
1 "The new diva" in the dormitory hissed and sang rock: "I want to change, I want to change ......" is reading the book "bookworms
2 school men and women bath with a door, so there are often students of the opposite sex meet things, quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door, just met a schoolgirl was
Liquid out of the shape, the bookworm dodged and greeted: "Inside the more people do not?"
3On one occasion, even and even friends eat together in the restaurant. We sat there and waited for the waiter to serve us. After a while, a beggar took a
a bowl to the back of my friend and touched him gently, imagining that he wanted money. My friend was chatting with even thought it was the waiter to serve the meal, did not
Have turned back to the beggar's hands to take the bowl of rice over to the front of a put. We were all flabbergasted there the beggar is crying (killed him
I would not have thought that this is also someone to grab a bowl) ~ ~ ~
4 college when I met a buddy on campus, a beautiful woman, love at first sight, every day on the soul. One day at noon when he and I went out to eat, that
beauty is passing by, my buddy immediately pulled me close behind, see that beauty into a side of the restaurant, so we also sat in. I advised
My buddy: "are senior, hold on tight which ~" so he summoned the courage to go up, hold red face asked: "classmates what do you call?" That beautiful
women flabbergasted at my buddy: "I called beef noodles." My buddy was dumbfounded, and I laughed beside him!
5The child asked his mom, "Why do you call Mr. Chiang 'ancestor'?" Mom said, "Because 'forefathers' is the name given to dead people."
The child said, "And isn't it called 'fresh milk' for a dead grandmother?"
6One of the brothers who used to be in the dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 a.m. and yelled, "Get up, you're late for class!" Then two of them immediately got up and put on their
clothes. At that time, I was playing pc.
7 one night after eating my most hated bitter melon said out: "XXX (occasional mother's name) you the girl again to me to do bitter melon you give me to go
dead ....." I was probably yelling a lot, sleeping in another cabinet mom heard, the next morning she angrily put the even interrogated a
Fan after ...... I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good look at this, but I'm sure you can. can be said to be hanging beat ......
8 a classmate, went horseback riding during the day, the night is still excited, and then fell asleep, we played cards, after a while, the man said:Giddyup! I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that. Giddyup! I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that.
Hey! Giddyup! Giddyup! Giddyup! Giddyup! Giddyup !!!!!
9 There was a student who liked to smoke while he was pooping, and once when he came out of the bathroom, he said loudly to us, "Ah~~~pulling a cigarette and smoking shit is really cool``"
Swooning
10 The first thing I used to do when I came back to my dormitory was always to ask, "Is there anyone looking for a phone to call me . ...
11Once, I had a fight with my roommate, and he couldn't beat me, so he scolded me, "You're my grandfather's son!" The whole room was quiet for a second and then laughed maniacally!
12 even when I was a child once ate something to eat bad stomach, the next day to the teacher to write a sick note: "Teacher, I ate something bad yesterday, the stomach is not comfortable
service, the morning up on the diarrhea under the vomit." Chill ah, I do not know what teachers think
13 once with a cousin at home for dinner, accidentally poured soup, Kleenex are used up, cousin busy shouting "quickly, quickly, go to the toilet paper to get the toilet
14 the same table something fell to the ground, bent down to pick up 偶用脚踩之，不料踩中其手 其大怒："Dare step on my feet!
14The same table dropped something on the floor and I bent down to pick it up.
15 on high school, classroom discipline chaos, the teacher in a fit of rage grabbed XXX, said: XXX, you give me to stand on the wall to go! ~~~~~~~~~~ class storm
chill~~~
16 once foreign teachers in the large classroom lectures SHOW Mandarin, would have liked to give him a face, praised him Mandarin speak really standard, but the export became your
standard speech speak really ordinary, cold, people are laughing at me.
17 and MM in front of the stall selling soybean milk and doughnuts, I shouted: "boss, want a soybean milk and doughnuts".MM storm laughed.
18 Even the high school language teacher said in class: you are dead cat meets blind rat results. The whole classroom burst into laughter!
19 on the third grade when a classmate's birthday night to invite us to dinner I went home and my mother said: "Mom, today my classmate's wedding night to invite me
dinner! "
20 The restaurant was huge, I shouted: boss, to a chili without seasoning 。。。。 The waiter also repeated loudly: table 11, add a chili without
seasoning!!!.
21Me: That's our physics teacher.
Student: teaches what a?
Me: Chemistry....
22 mom went out to play mahjong before, said to me: "you put all the clothes in the refrigerator, pick up the dishes inside the washing machine g ~~~~~
23 one day I ground MM went out to buy things! Suddenly saw a crow flying through the sky quacking! So from her mouth crashed out a sentence: "Oops this green
Frogs fly really low! Dizzy me
24 I always make this mistake ...... because I talk too much
Middle school once read the text, is XX in the corridor wandering, I read into the XX in the corridor lewdness ...... teacher's face is red.
High school when and classmates go out, the school side of a China Everbright Bank, just opened, so the sign is still hanging on the red cloth ...... but that cloth hangs
in the Chinese characters on the word blocked ...... I read it as "Guo Guangda Bank"...... classmates laughed like crazy, a few years I could not lift my head ah!
25One of our dormitory to drink too much to go to pee and then bring out a cold saying: urine drink more, the wine will be particularly more....
26On one occasion, I listened to the radio, it is a shopping guide hotline, there is a call in, the host asked him: "Your name ah? "
He replied, "No, your name is Wang! ~~~~~"
27 buy oranges, boss: a dollar five a catty. Me: too expensive, five dollars for three pounds. Boss: no no no.
28 to the quick reaction of the granny: the day you sat on the bus, 252 driver's emergency braking, you were unsteady center of gravity rushed out, actually asked the driver:
"Looking for me what is the matter?"
29 To my dear students: Although I'm really busy, please don't say to me when you see me in the restroom, "Instructor, you're so busy that you still come to the restroom by yourself
!"
30 days is very hot, the school but the power outage, from the day until 10 p.m. at night, our girls' dormitory is very quiet at night, everyone in the balcony to take a cool, the boys
dormitory is very lively, a commotion, the boys seem to have reached some kind of **** knowledge, only to hear across the corridor came the organized shouting: "incoming calls, come
electricity, we want to incoming calls!" After about 10 minutes or so, the school actually did call, there was a cheer from across the hall, and the dormitory area calmed down.
When it was lights out at 11 p.m., the boys started shouting in unison, "Extension, extension, extension, we want extension!" because the blackout was so short.
The school, which has always been harsh, actually agreed to the group's unreasonable request and extended the call time for the first time ever.
Just as we were about to take a break, something happened that I will never forget. Perhaps the boys were overly excited that 2 of their normally impossible
requests were actually being honored by the school, so ............. Across the street from the boys' dormitory came a more organized and powerful chant:
"Women .... Women ........ We want women!!!"
31The tiger doesn't send a cat, you think I'm critically ill!
32 My friend asked me about my computer configuration, and I said the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)
33Classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle shop cool to throw his hair: "Boss, 2 two onions do not want rice noodles!" Finished also added a sentence:
"More under the rice noodles ah!" Boss: "。。。。
34, once in the dormitory classmate's mother called over
I used to say "he is not in", but this time I want to say is "has gone out. "
The result is: "He has been ... not in"
35, high school when each person issued a badge. Once to check before, the class teacher ran to the classroom shouting, everyone quickly put on the bra up, to check
la. The whole room was silent.
36. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law applying Dabao and suddenly exclaimed, "Your skin is so good, you still use L'Occitane, huh?"
37, my dormitory a high school classmate called, he said to find who, I said no, and then said thank you
38, before the other people to my aunt's home as a guest, just enter the door. It just so happened that my aunt had to go to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "You sit ha
Sit ha, I go to the toilet to pour you some tea!"
39, we work in the morning there is a car to transport, because the car is not big, once, a mm car did not seat
place, sit next to me a male colleague busy stand up, enthusiastic and her greetings to: "so-and-so, you sit on my ass it!" I was
laughing until I got out of the car!
40, when the university, a classmate and I argued the issue, a moment in the wind, in the heat of the moment, a slap on the table to get up and yell: you're nonsense, I'm not
not stupid!
41, a buddy of mine to go on a blind date, back to everyone asked him how, buddy said: this girl really brown. Noon to meal time, 2 people into a
beef ramen restaurant, the girl said loudly to the master: Hey, to pull 2 bowls of ~ ~ ~ ~ ramen master said: Do you eat? I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it.
42, when I was a child popsicle ice-cream are generally pushing a bicycle hawking, once, in the house to hear an aunt shouted: new ice-cream, hot
. (Estimated aunts used to sell doughnuts)
43 A school board leadership inspection of recess exercises, the end of the physical education teacher should have announced the "dismissal", but in the heat of the moment, I forgot the words, held back
half a day, shouted: "Retreat! "
44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play, when I climbed half of the mountain, I was tired and wanted to take a break when I saw the roadside there is a souvenir of the Obasan,
go up and ask: "Wife ........".
45. On the self-study time, everyone is looking at the review, GG said to MM: "I just memorized the words, to help mimeograph." MM did not want to silent, GG just
begged her, you (touch) silent me, (touch) me! The result is that MM can't stand it and shouts, "Teacher, look, I don't want to (摸)merge him, he
has to ask me to (摸)merge"~~~~!!
46. One day to go to a classmate's home for dinner, drink a little wine, her father suddenly came in, would have liked to shout uncle, the results said the wrong, said: "Dad,
come seat!" ~~chill! A large group of students laughed to death
47. My coworker argued with someone, anxious to open his mouth and said, "You think I'm eating to grow up ah?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating."
48. In elementary school, a very annoying boys to find me to borrow erasers, I do not borrow, he was stalking, and then I used all my strength to yell a
"I do not marry (borrow) to you" at that time the students immediately quieted down,,,,.
49. A ktv, point song, a mm shouted: give me a point a week cut off the stick "double Jay" ......
50. I spit in your face shit!
51This morning, I went to work to catch the bus, and when I got to the platform, the bus had already started. So I had to chase after it, shouting:
"Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me!"
Then a passenger poked his head out of the window and said to me, "Goku, just stop chasing."
52 A customer ran into the tailor's store in exasperation and
pointing to the fashions the owner had designed for him said, "I was standing on the corner of the street yawning when two men shoved a letter in my mouth!"
53 An elementary school student was especially nervous about her first school recitation contest, and her teacher encouraged her for a long time, but her palms were still sweaty. Finally, it was her turn. Elementary school students a clenched teeth, a few steps to the center of the stage: teachers, classmates, I recite the title is: red leaves crazy (maple) ...... (Maple Leaf Red)
54 Or an elementary school student, to see the teacher point to read the composition of the classmates, especially envious, always looking forward to the teacher can also let themselves read a back.
These are the first time I've ever seen a woman in the world who has been in a position to do something like this.
So and so, read your essay to us!
The youngest student stood up with a prancing voice: "My Teacher. Teacher, how much I resemble your mother ......
55This time it was a song-and-dance troupe of undereducated presenters.
One performance, rushed on stage without proper preparation beforehand. The show went on in sequence. It was her turn to announce the curtain: Audience members, please listen to
Calf (solo) flute playing ......
56My family used to plant onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh. My sister came home for New Year's Eve and saw it, and gladly said to my mom
saying: hey! Mom, this thick real onions ...... My mom and I both fell down laughing.
57There is a neighbor I call Great Aunt who rides her bicycle to work every day. Early in the morning, ran into her at the door, I smiled and politely said: on the aunt ah,
Daiban ...... Bah! ...... I was dying to bite my tongue off.
58 A female classmate, one day to look at the shadow of self-pity, suddenly turned his head to the person behind him and said: my chest hair beautiful or not? The man jumped, and said: Oh, I was
wanting to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.
59 When I was an elementary school student, I made a resolution in the whole school assembly that we should learn the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army to cross the snowy mountains and climb the grassland. Since then
Life-long deprivation of the right to political speech!
60 When I was a kid, my dad told me that there was a text written about Liu Hulan in the language book, and when Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japs that she was *** to save the lives of all the people in the
village, an old man stepped in to save her, and the line was: Xiaoxiangzi, you're crazy? But in the days of ***, a poor
rural child reads aloud: little crazy, you fragrant?
61 In high school, the teacher let my desk read aloud the text, this woman has always been known for reading aloud vividly, that day is also the same holding the textbook in a staccato
read aloud:
...... He stood firm on his sentry post in the blizzard, a steel rifle clutched in his hand ...... (Original text)
What we hear .....
...... He held his sentry post in the blizzard, a steel pen clutched in his hand ......
.... There was a silence in the class, the teacher fell down laughing, after which the students fell ....
62 All rise! The national flag is played, and the national anthem is raised...
63 I took my son to feed the ducks. He was chasing the ducks around while spreading breadcrumbs on them, and I was chasing him behind with his apple (he doesn't
love to eat it, so I had to wait for the opportunity to slip him a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running and I kept yelling at him: come here, take a bite of the apple
and then chase the duck! Always repeating this line, I finally shouted out loud: come here and have a bite of duck ...... And then very smartly braked the gate.
64I remember when I was in elementary school, there was a piece of text called Waterfalls, in the middle of which it said that the author turned a mountain to see a waterfall hanging down the mountain, one of my
a female classmates read aloud also read in a loud voice: Turned this mountain, I was stunned, a rag hanging on the mountain.
The class
was stunned.
65 There was also a line in a text taken from a novel by a Russian author that read: All the houses here belong to the lords (meaning the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to the lords. As soon as the words left his mouth, our language teacher asked him suspiciously:
Where do all the old ladies live?
66 the most classic is that I once watched Dou Wentao talk about his own just when the host of the embarrassing things, not to mention the opening hug into the curtain ..... The most let me spit is
He said Once hosted a party, calmly went up and said with deep emotion: friends, you have seen the Yellow River? You know that it is our mother
Parent River~~
After some affectionate introduction of the Yellow River, he said: the following please listen to the "Song of the Yangtze River"
67. Once I drove, sitting next to me, a female colleague suddenly asked: "How do you drive without a condom?"
68. I went home on the weekend, and after dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes, and I was going to excuse myself to go for a walk. In the door to change shoes, Dad asked me why I go? I said: "to loose a
smoke!". The first thing I did was to get a little bit of a break from the game. The result is that my dad found a pack of white goods from me, and he gave me a hard time.
69 In computer class, a student had a problem with his machine, so he yelled; "Boss, change the machine!"
70 Once I went to McDonald's to buy a sweet bucket, finally it was my turn, I couldn't wait, "Give me two rollers!" . I didn't expect the waitress to say to me in a loud
voice; "Two rollers for four dollars!" .
71I ran into a long desired girl out of the bathhouse, want to set close, held half a day to hold out a sentence: "You bath ah, inside the male more
not much ah? ".
72 There is a teacher overnight mahjong, see the blackboard did not wipe, angry: "Today who do Zhuang ah? The blackboard is not even wiped!" .
73 was left by the teacher to do his homework, will not do it to copy others, and then went to the office to hand in his homework, saw the teacher said, "I finished copying!" .
74 A certain gentleman was particularly nervous on the day he took his driver's license test. The examiner gave him a hard time and told him to park on the side of the road where there was a fire hydrant. This gentleman was particularly nervous and
said, "Report the fire hydrant, there is an examiner on the side of the road, parking is not allowed!" .
75 When Kentucky Fried Chicken just came out with the Power Chicken Popcorn, an old lady ran up to it and told the waitress, "Have a Power Chicken Popcorn." Laugh until you die ~~~~
76In the Internet cafe, a student suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher, help me open the cheaters"
After that, in his honor, we always shouted at the teacher in gym class, "Webmaster! He turns on the cheaters!"
77 buy oranges, the boss: a dollar five a catty. I: too expensive, five dollars for three pounds. Boss: No no no.
78 One day to eat.
"Rice, how my lady has not yet come, come on"
79. Just now I was reading this post while eating cream cake, next to the gg suddenly said, you eat beans like this, can not grow cream.... The stormy cold
80 in the Internet cafe, even brain thinking about the next machine, mouth want to say checkout, so shouted: "Boss, checkout (hijacking) machine!"