one

Twenty-five years ago, I went to the countryside to jump the queue and brought some books, one of which was Ovid's Metamorphosis. Our team turned it over and over again to make it look like a roll of kelp. Later, people from other teams borrowed it, and then I saw it in several different places, and it looked worse and worse. I believe the book was lost in the end. Now I can't forget the horror of that book. The life of jumping the queue is very hard. Many people are sick, but the biggest pain is that there are no books to read. If there were many books to read, Metamorphosis would not disappear so tragically. Besides, you can't get the pleasure of thinking. I believe this is not my own experience: in the evening, you sit under the eaves and watch the sky slowly darken, feeling lonely and desolate and deprived of your life. I was a young man at that time, but I was afraid to live like this and get old. In my opinion, this is more terrible than death.

There are military representatives in charge of us where I cut in line. Now I think they are a group of simple good people, but I also think that no one in my life has made me worse than them. They think that the fun of thinking is to occupy Mao Zedong Thought 24 hours a day, ask for instructions early in the morning and report at night. If they have leisure time, they will go to see songs and dances about their own "ancient capital of Asia". I'm fine with those songs and dances themselves, but I'm tired of watching them twenty times. If they see us reading, it will be a disaster, not even a book about Lu Xun-Little Red Book is an exception. By the way, some people really bring trouble to themselves, because they bring old versions of Lu Xun's works. One knowledge that may be useful in the future is to turn interesting books into boring ones. I feel that I can't get the pleasure of thinking in some religious ceremonies, so I have been unhappy. Some authors have written such stories. For example, Zweig wrote a novel Chess, which is a modern classic, but I don't think he described the pain perfectly. The climax of this pain is not locked in a hotel without books and qualified conversation partners, but left out in the cold, feeling the same loneliness between heaven and earth, facing peers who are as painful as you. Before us, there lived countless great wise men, such as Russell, Newton and Shakespeare. Their thoughts and works can save us from this pain, but we have been cut off from their thoughts and works. If a person needs to get happiness from thoughts, then his first desire is learning. I admit that I am not strong enough to resist this pain, but I am by no means the worst one. For example, when Mr. Russell was five years old, he felt lonely and desolate, thinking, if I can live to be seventy years old, then I will only spend a quarter of my unfortunate life! But when he was a little older, he was exposed to the spark of the wise man's thought and changed his mind. Suppose he is sent to jump the queue, he will probably commit suicide.

Speaking of the fun of thinking, I thought of what happened to my father. My father is a philosophy professor who studied the history of thought in 1950s and 1960s. In his later years, he told me about his academic experience all his life, just like a horror movie. Whenever he tries to put forward an argument, he always finds his place in the unified official ideology, just like an old hen trying to find a place to hatch her eggs in a big moving house. As a result, although he loved science and worked hard, he didn't get the pleasure of thinking in his life, only gained countless fears. His life's exploration, only some broken walls, received a book called "logical exploration", published behind him. As we all know, it is good for scholars of his generation to leave a book in their lifetime. This is precisely because some people tried to make China people's thoughts completely tasteless. In our country, only a few people think that ideas will be fun, but many people have felt the panic brought by ideas, so there are still many people who think that ideas should taste like this.

two

After the Cultural Revolution, I read the reportage of Goldbach Conjecture written by Mr. Xu Chi, which was very romantic. It's easy to be so romantic when a person writes something he doesn't know. Personally, I think it is the least pleasure for a scholar to communicate with his peers. When Mr. Chen Jingrun proves math problems in a small house alone, he needs some foreign math journals to read and an opportunity to communicate with colleagues in the math field. But he didn't, so he may be unhappy. Of course, he is happier than people who have no theorem to prove. A theorem has been proved for more than ten years, and even if it is proved happily, it cannot be balanced. But sitting alone is even harder. If I can count when I jump the queue, there will be teacher Chen's action, even if I can't prove anything in the end, I won't regret it; But that story is definitely more tragic than that described by xu teacher. However, a person who is deprived of these three kinds of happiness, such as learning, communication and achievement, still can't get my greatest sympathy. I reserve this sympathy for those who have been deprived of "fun"

After the "Cultural Revolution", I also read a novel of educated youth playing chess written by Mr. Acheng, which is also very romantic. Four fifths of the chess I have played in my life is when I cut in line. At the same time, I also changed from a fairly good chess player to a hopeless amateur chess player. Now, if I put the words playing chess and jumping in line together, it will cause my physical disgust. Playing chess because there is nothing to do is not much different from masturbation. I would never write such a boring thing in a novel.

If a person eats the same meal and does the same job every day, plus looking at eight model operas upside down, it is worthy of my greatest sympathy to see how well he understands the next sentence after listening to the last sentence. I agree with Mr. Russell most: "Knowing that there are many differences is the source of happiness." Most sawtooth polymorphisms are created by people who are sensitive to thinking. Of course, I know some people disagree with us. They must think that a machine is the source of happiness. Lao Tzu said that I don't like it very much to let everyone "empty their hearts and enrich their stomachs"; In my opinion, it is despicable for Han Confucianism to depose a hundred schools of thought and respect Confucianism alone. Sir Moore conceived a utopia with complete details, but like Mr. Russell, I will never live in it. At the end of this list are some kind-hearted military representatives who want to drive everything out of my mind, leaving only a 270-page little red book. In other aspects of life, a certain degree of monotony and machinery must be tolerated, but thoughts must never be included. Thinking is not interesting, but interesting is reasonable and novel. In the world we live in, the greatest misfortune is that some people completely refuse novelty.

I think I experienced the greatest happiness when I first entered the university, because science is novel to me. It is always logical and impeccable, which is a rare thing in this ordinary world. At the same time, we can also appreciate the outstanding talents of our predecessors. It's like playing chess with a clever chess player. Although he was always defeated, he also had a chance to enjoy the coup. Among my classmates, everyone who is my age and has the same experience has the same experience as me. Some monotonous and mechanical behaviors, such as eating, excreting and making love, can also bring pleasure, but it is too simple to compare with such happiness. Art can also bring such happiness, but it must be produced by real masters, such as Newton, Leibniz and Einstein. At present, no artist in China has reached such a level. With all due respect, what can bring happiness to the mind can only be the highest product of human wisdom. Below this, it will only bring pain; And this kind of low-grade goods is out of utilitarian ideas.

three

The view that it is necessary to "indoctrinate" the organ (brain) of human thinking is in the ascendant at present. I think the brain is the organ that perceives the highest happiness, and it is suspicious to impose utilitarian ideas on it. Some people say that it is a tool of competition, so people should learn to speak before they are born and learn to recite Tang poems before they are three years old. If it is used in this way, what happiness it can get is really worrying. Although knowledge can bring happiness, if it is compressed into medicine balls, it will lose fun. Of course, if someone is willing to treat their children like this, it's none of my business. I just feel sorry for them. Others think that the mind is a tool to show that you are a good person, so you must learn to recite a number of maxims and dogmas-in fact, this is to make yourself look better than your real self, which is completely hypocritical. This makes me feel a certain degree of pain, but it is not unbearable. The biggest pain is that there are always people who want to use various reasons to eliminate the jagged polymorphism needed for happiness. The most important reason why these people want to do this is morality; More precisely, it is for utilitarian reasons. Therefore, they divide their thoughts into different categories, good and bad, but the standards used are very suspicious. They believe that if people's minds are full of beautiful things, the world will be peaceful. So they are going to treat young people with the attitude that military representatives treated us in those days. If thinking is the main aspect of human life, it is unreasonable to change people's thinking for utilitarian motives, just like killing people for their happiness.

Some people think that people should be full of noble thoughts and get rid of low-style thoughts. This statement sounds wonderful, but it makes me feel great panic. Because the sum of noble thoughts and low thoughts is myself; If I take out a part, who I am becomes a problem. Suppose there is a noble-minded gentleman, I admire him very much; But if you want to take out my brain and throw it away and replace it with his, I will never, unless you can prove that I am guilty of a heinous crime and deserve to die. Since people are alive, they have the right to ensure the continuity of their thoughts until they die. What's more, those nobles are measured by their own positions. If I accept all of them, it is tantamount to inviting those kind hens to lay eggs in my head, but I still refuse to believe that there is a chicken nest on my neck. At that time, in the eyes of military representatives, I was also a very low person. They want to impose their way of thinking and lifestyle on me, which is also a brain transplant. Fielding once said that there are few people who are kind and great, even unique, so this brain transplant brought me not only kindness, but also stupidity. I don't want to use a utilitarian statement here: in the real world, fools know nothing. I certainly hope to be kinder, but this kindness should be caused by my becoming smarter, not the other way around. Heraclitus has long said that good and evil are one, just as uphill and downhill are the same road. If you don't know what evil is, how do you know the service is good? So all they ask is what others say.

Suppose I believe in God (in fact, I don't), and I am worried about the distinction between good and evil. I will ask God to make me smart enough to distinguish right from wrong, and I will never ask him to make me stupid enough to be taught the standards of good and evil. If God wants me to undertake the task of enlightenment, I will ask him to let me choose between this task and going to hell. My unswerving determination is to choose the latter.

four

If I had to cite the kindest moment in my life, I would cite the first time when I was an educated youth. At that time, I was bent on liberating all mankind, but I never thought of myself. At the same time, I have to admit that I was stupid and didn't do anything. Instead, I got sick and fled back to the city. Now I think that stupidity is a great pain; Reducing human intelligence is the greatest sin. Therefore, teaching people to be stupid is the most serious crime that a good person can commit. In this sense, we must never relax our vigilance against good people. Suppose I am deceived by a villain, my mind can still be balanced; I can't forgive myself for being cheated by a kind imbecile.

If I had to name my most unfriendly moment, it would be now. Maybe it's because of some education, or maybe it's because I'm an adult. Anyway, if you want me to free anyone, I must first ask who these people are and why they need help. Secondly, I want to ask whether it is beyond my power to help them; Finally, I have to think about whether it is useless to dig a hole directly in Yunnan. I certainly don't want to jump the queue after thinking so much. The leader insisted that I go, but I still want to go, but it's not my fault that I dug up the green hills and caused soil erosion. It is generally believed that people who are kind and have low IQ are innocent. If this mental retardation is congenital, I agree. But people can develop their own intelligence, so the acquired low intelligence is not innocent-besides, nothing is easier than playing dumb. Of course, this conclusion is by no means that those military representatives are deaf and treacherous people-I still believe they are good people. My conclusion is: assuming that good and evil can be judged, the premise of distinguishing right from wrong is to develop intelligence and broaden knowledge. However, if you convince a person who thinks he has clearly distinguished right from wrong to develop his intelligence and broaden his knowledge, he will always feel that you let him go further and further, not only refusing, but also resenting. I don't want to offend people for such a trifle.

Of course, I now have my own standards of good and evil, not worse than others. I think low IQ, paranoia and poor thinking are the biggest evils. According to this standard, when others say that I am the most kind, I am the most evil; When others say I am the most evil, I am the most kind. Of course, I don't want to recommend this standard to others, but I think smart, philosophical and knowledgeable people are more trustworthy than others. Based on this belief, I think our country has lost many opportunities after "abolishing a hundred schools of thought and respecting Confucianism alone".

Our nation always has many reasons to block knowledge, clamp down on ideas and instill kindness, so many talented people lost the opportunity to learn, communicate and achieve something in their lives and died without thinking. I am sad to think that my father is one of them. I tend to be pessimistic when I think that the total number of such people is as large as the Ganges sand. The cause of this tragedy is, of course, various problems in the real world. Great people always think that if all the people in this world are as kind as he expected-more accurately, they all think as he expected, "think naively" or "work hard for private words", the world can be saved. Those who make these claims are either innocent or selfless. Of course, they don't know what is evil and private, so these requirements are: don't have what I don't have. Countless people's talents have been strangled. Considering that the sum of Ganges sand and land of wisdom is an unimaginable huge resource, the idea is to put the whole sea into a bottle. What I see is that this idea has been put into practice, that is, to find solutions to real-world problems from stupid aspects. Based on this, I think our country has been carrying out ideological slaughter since the Han Dynasty. And I can think like this, which only means that I am one of the survivors. I can't think of anything but expressing my sadness about it.

five

Although I have lived to the age of no doubt, I often wonder one thing: why many people are always so novel and interesting in hatred. The ancients once said: Heaven will never give birth to Zhong Ni, and eternity will last like night. But I have the opposite idea. Suppose there is a great wise man in history who discovered all the novel and interesting things and the ultimate truth at once, and ruled out all the possibilities of discovery. I would rather live in an era before the wise man. This is because if this ultimate truth has been discovered, what human beings can do is to make value judgments based on this truth. From the Han Dynasty to modern times, people in China lived like this. I don't like this life at all.

In my opinion, in all human intelligent activities, nothing is simpler than making value judgments. If you are a male rabbit, you have the ability to make value judgments-the wolf is bad and the female rabbit is good; However, the rabbit doesn't know the nine watches. This fact explains why some people who lack other abilities especially love the value field. If you make a value judgment for yourself, you have to pay some price; It's too simple and comfortable to make value judgments on others. I am really ashamed to say such rude things, but I am not sorry. Because such people have brought us too much pain.

Among all the value judgments, the worst one is that it is a sin to think too much and too abstruse, which is beyond the understanding of some people. We didn't hurt anyone when we experienced the happiness of our thoughts; Unfortunately, some people always feel hurt. Admittedly, not everyone can feel this happiness, but we should not be responsible for it. I don't see any reason to cancel this happiness, unless the despicable jealousy is included-some people in this world like richness, while others like simplicity; I have never met a person who likes to be jealous or hurt someone who likes simplicity. I always see the opposite. If I know anything about science and art, they are the vast rivers of thinking pleasure. Although they benefit everyone, the river never flows for them as some people think, just as people who enjoy thinking are not born for them.

For an intellectual, becoming an ideological elite is more important than becoming a moral elite. Of course, people have the freedom to be stupid without thinking; I have no problem with that at all. The question is whether there should be freedom of thinking and intelligence. People who like the former freedom think that too complicated ideas will make people confused, which sounds reasonable. If you invite a simple farmer in a deep mountain to a chemical plant in the city, he will also feel dizzy because of the complicated pipeline, but this cannot be a reason to cancel the chemical industry. Therefore, it would be nice if simple people could treat what they don't understand as something that has nothing to do with themselves.

If the world around me now is full of military representatives and moral teachers during the "Cultural Revolution", it will only surprise me but not frighten me. Because I have lived to be forty-two years old. I met a math teacher in college who spread knowledge as happiness. He turned learning mathematics into a pleasure. I met a man who enlightened my wisdom. I was lucky enough to read the books I wanted to read-the list is very complicated, from Russell's History of Western Philosophy to Victorian underground novels in England. This last batch of books is really unbearable, but I finally saw something unbearable. Of course, I am most grateful to those who have written good books, such as Bernard Shaw and Mark. Twain, Calvino, Duras and so on, but they don't hate those who write bad books. I have written a few books myself, and although I haven't had time to meet mainland readers, I finally have some fun creating them. These trivial pleasures can make me feel a little gain in life, happier than my father and happier than those young people who have to suffer in a vacuum of thought for a lifetime. As a person who has experienced both happiness and pain, I hope that the next generation can have some space in their minds to feel happy, and this space is much larger than that given to me. These appeals are of course directed at those who are determined to be military representatives and moral teachers.