2, tell you not to push me, if you push me, I will play dead for you!
I think a fly lying on the glass has a bright future, but it can't find a way out. ...
There are so many people who despise me. Who are you?
5, not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs!
6. There is gold under a man's knee. I cut off my whole leg and didn't even find a copper coin!
7. I am an unmarried young man who enjoys married treatment.
8. My dream: I have something to do as a secretary and nothing to do as a secretary. The reality is that the secretary can't do it, and the secretary can't do anything.
9. Men are walking genitals!
10, Tangseng meat can live forever. I wonder if Tang's monk excrement has the same effect?
1 1, a star can become more famous by taking off a little, but I was arrested for taking off my clothes!
12, you must look carefully now, because there are too many men and women now!
13, the mosquito was really angry after biting you, but even more angry, it bit you, but you couldn't find it!
14, I am a very frugal person, never use paper to poop, never eat with chopsticks, and never wash my hands!
15, when you see a beautiful woman, touch your pocket first to see if you have any money!
16, if I become a star one day, I will definitely show it to you!
17, people are not afraid of death, and what they fear most is that they don't know how to live!
18, the story of Meng Mu's three moves actually shows that she has a good son. If I were you, it would be useless to move it a hundred times!
19, Peacock tried to open the screen, but it showed its asshole!
If one day I become a hooligan, please tell others that I am innocent. ...
2 1, from heaven to hell, I pass by!
22. Lack of social experience means no job.
23. An iron pestle can be ground into a needle, and a wooden pestle can only be ground into a toothpick. The material is wrong, and it's no use trying again.
When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. In old age, mirrors are flat.
25. I am different from you because I am human.
26. People always make mistakes, otherwise the right road will be crowded.
27. All unforgettable love is the moment when the soul breaks free from the bed!
28. I like children, and I prefer the process of being a child!
29. The art of self-cultivation is actually the art of lying.
30. Opportunities are like genitals. As long as you hold them in your hand, they will grow bigger and bigger.
3 1, don't be coquettish, just touch the world with lewdness.
32. Pregnancy is just like pregnancy. It takes a long time for people to see it.
33. If you can't dress your woman in a wedding dress, don't stop you from unbuttoning her clothes!
I don't like sleeping with one woman many times, but I like sleeping with many women only once.
35. Asking how worried you are is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel. ...
36. If you look like a steamed stuffed bun, don't blame the dog for following.
37. Don't try to be brave after dark without medical insurance and life insurance. ...
38. You can't please everyone, because not everyone is human!
40. Girls only need to succeed once from a virgin to a woman, and boys need to be honed repeatedly from a virgin to a man!
4 1, friend, you are leaving today, please fuck this white girl.
42. Two children argued about days. One said: One day is one day! A son said: One day is one day!
43. Lovers will inevitably become animals in the end ... If you don't fuck her today, she will let someone else fuck her tomorrow!
44. Give me a boat full of women, and I can kill myself.
45. When will there be a bright moon? Ask the sky about wine ... The sky says, Fuck you, I'm so busy, how can I ignore you and watch the weather forecast by myself? ...
46, a pair of wings, you want to braise in soy sauce. ...
47. What are you afraid of? Mimi fell into a bowl and got a big scar!
48. Farrow said: Today is the Dragon Boat Festival. I treat you to zongzi, which is stuffed with human flesh. Come on, mom. ...
49, come out to mix, the wife will change sooner or later!
Turning girls into women is the most basic responsibility and obligation of men.
Very classic absurd and funny quotations
1, the story of the wolf tells us that we have been cheated twice, and we must believe him the third time.
2. A woman loves you and you are her husband. Several women love you, and you are a man. Ten women love you and you are a lover. A hundred women love you, and you are an idol. Thousands of women love you. You are a hero. Millions of women love you, and you are the leader. Women all over the country love you, and you are RMB. Women all over the world love you. Oh, you are a sanitary napkin.
3, rumors, well done is called hype; Sleeping, doing well is called stealing dreams; Flattery, doing well is called praise; Father, well done. My name is Li Gang. Soft candy, doing well is calm; Inferiority, doing well is called modesty; Narcissism, doing well is called personality; Streaking, well done is called art; If you work hard, doing well is called sacrifice; Work, well done, is called entrepreneurship; Comments, well done, are called originality; Walk-on, well done is called friendship performance!
4, starving to death, doing well is called losing weight; Pinch this thing, well done is called massage; Being in a daze, doing well is called profound; Being lazy and doing well is called enjoying; Persistence in doing well is called persistence; Play dumb, if you do it well, it's as stupid as you think!
That fool stole the beggar's wallet and was seen by the blind. The mute gave a roar, which startled the deaf. Camels come forward and lame people fly. Asako said, look at my face. The madman said: that is, people should be rational.
6. If marriage is the grave of love, then blind date means looking at feng shui to give the grave, confession means digging the grave, marriage means double suicide, empathy means moving the grave, and a third party means robbing the grave.
7. Shanglian: I didn't bring my student ID card, admission ticket and ID card; Bottom line: I didn't do any listening, reading, composition or writing questions. Horizontal recognition: focus on participation.
8. Looking at the apple, I found that men are not reliable; After reading Lust Caution, I found that women are unreliable. After reading the warlords, I found that my brother was unreliable; After reading the assembly number, I found that the organization is not reliable; After reading "Mom loves me again", I found that my father was unreliable. After reading the new Never Give Up, I found my son unreliable. After reading The Matrix, I found that all the reality is unreliable, and the conclusion is only reliable by myself, which is referred to as "Holy shit" for short.
9. There is only one difference between talent and genius. Therefore, talent is good, and genius is always a bit stupid.
10, don't worry about not getting the sun. Maybe if you get the sun, no one will call you an idiot.
12, sleep is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing art!
13, looks really creative and lives really bravely!
14, my real life: count money until I wake up naturally and sleep until my hands cramp.
15, as a typical loser, you are really successful.
16, according to the pig's aesthetic, I am basically a handsome guy.
17, who can not shoot for 90 minutes-China national football team
18, life is sometimes like being raped by a eunuch. Resistance is painful, but it is still painful not to resist!
19, everyone says I'm ugly, but I'm just not beautiful.
20. In order to cooperate with the completion of family planning work in China this year, I decided not to contact friends of the opposite sex for the time being. Thank you for your cooperation.
2 1, no money, no power, no longer good to you, can you follow me?
22. Buying a computer without broadband is like being a monk without eating.
23. Missing after breaking up is not missing, but being mean.
24. Face the fucking life with a nonsense attitude.
25. Women's clothes are called capital, and men's clothes are called perverts.
26. I smoke because it hurts my lungs and I'm not sad.
27. It is not necessarily a virgin who cries, but a bitch who seduces a man.
28. A lover who can be taken away is not a lover. (classic quotations www.wyl.cc)
29. If the leader doesn't give me a raise next month, I will resign. Before I resign, I will give him two Chinese and kill him.
30. If pigs can fly, who will buy a plane? Ride a pig to heaven.
3 1, I can't find my tie again. Didn't you find a rag yesterday?
32, in Egypt, a man can marry four wives, how tired ah, or China.
33, you also let me kneel and rub the washboard, and I can't stand the electric heating!
Even if I were a toad, I would never marry my mother toad.
35. I definitely don't feel a catty of white wine, because I died after drinking half a catty.
Reading a newspaper in the toilet is equivalent to wiping your ass after defecation, which is a process, otherwise it is not called completion.
37. If the son is disobedient, he can fight properly, otherwise he will not show the majesty of Lao Tzu. This is the case in Taiwan Province Province.
38. For my mother's birthday, it is better to send two bundles of bones to cook, at least as a snack.
39. Unless the country changes its monogamy, I won't meet netizens.
40. I will still look for you in my next life, because you are the stupidest except me.
4 1, Lei Feng did a good thing without leaving a name, but everything was recorded in his diary.
42. Once in a while, you will feel that it is great to live in silence, but it is miserable to live in silence.
43. When arguing, the difference between a man and a woman is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.
44. Men fantasize about me and I fantasize about heaven.
45. When I was dizzy, I finally understood what love was.
46. Grandpa is handed down from his grandson.
47. Pigs have pig thoughts, and people have people's thoughts. If a pig has a human brain, it is not a pig, but a pig!
48. God, did you share a room in summer and winter? Give birth to this damn weather!
49, Bugs and Patches Qi Fei, blue screen of death Color!
50. It is normal to eat the metal wire for washing the pot for breakfast, which just shows that our logistics comes in strict accordance with the order of washing the pot first and then cooking.
5 1. Women conquer men with stockings, and men conquer banks with stockings.
52. If I don't hit you, you won't know that I am both civil and military.
53. Rogues are not terrible, but they are afraid of being educated.
54, heroes don't ask the way out, hooligans don't look at age!
55. The donkey has read it again and again.
56, have a big milk name and enjoy the treatment of mistresses!
57, it's raining, don't forget to bring an umbrella, wet body is small, gonorrhea is troublesome!
58. Take off my clothes, I am an animal. Put on my clothes, I am the devil wears Prada!
59. Why do you have to sleep for a long time before you die?
60. Riding a white horse is not necessarily a prince, but a Tang priest; Those who have wings are not necessarily angels, but also birdmen!
1 1. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!
Very humorous classic funny quotations.
Liang: "What day is Friday?" Mr. He: "(after thinking for more than a minute) What's the date today?" Liang suddenly laughed, and he suddenly realized that he had been played …
Bajie, if I don't show you the text message, it won't be a pig
Every morning when I log on to a website, the system will politely say "Good morning, Brother Fei!" " "Afternoon login is" Good afternoon, Brother Fei ". Late at night, I didn't sleep. I logged on that website again when I was idle. That system shows humanity: Brother Fei, haven't you slept yet?
There are always banquets! There is a banquet in the field! There is always a banquet! Recommend you: there are banquets every day. Eating and drinking Lazar stimulates domestic demand, promotes eyeball consumption and makes crabs delicious! Congratulations: every day is a good time to eat, a feast, an affair and a peach blossom!
You went to the dinner party, and you were having an affair at the banquet! You will be shocked in an instant, you will be shocked! I wish you good taste and good eye. I wish you happiness when you meet your lover! (*^0^*)
When we were in primary school, we were asked to learn from Lei Feng, that is, to do good deeds every day. Therefore, we often make up stories to help the old lady collect water and purse and return it to the owner, and strive to tell lies, because those who tell lies can be class cadres. I have been a monitor for many years, which shows that my tongue skills are good, and I almost have the quality of being a news spokesman. Of course, doing one good deed every day is out of fashion. The idea now is: do one good deed every day.
Woman: Husband! The man was so absorbed in watching TV that he didn't notice his wife's phone call. Woman: Husband, old man! The man turned around: old woman, what can I do? After saying his word, a powder fist came to my face.
Man: I want to hold you tightly and hold you in my arms. . . Woman: Stop it, stop it. You are shameless. Look at all the grandmothers in their fifties and sixties here. Who do you want to hold in your arms? M: Yes. . .
A beautiful actress came home from work at night and went to the bathroom to gargle. Husband asked urgently, what happened today? The actress replied, I have been kissing all afternoon. That's disgusting. Come back and rinse your mouth! My husband is speechless. A few days later, the actress came home, took off her clothes and took a bath in the bathroom. Her husband was shocked and asked, what, today is not a sex scene, is it?
The poor want to live the life of the rich, and the rich want to live forever. The immortals wonder there: Shit, when will this life end?
When did Wenshan ask about the sea? How much do you know about your homework? Xiaolou cooked the eagle again last night, looking back at the bright moon, it was unbearable to look back. There should still be relevant regulations, but the school has changed. How much trouble can you have, just like a river flowing eastward.
An out-of-tune singer participated in a cultural performance and arranged a professional fan to cooperate under the stage. During the performance, it is the singer's turn to play. After singing a song, the professional fans in the audience shouted: One more song! When this statement came out, the scene was in chaos, and the front row audience surrounded the unlucky fans and beat them up.
The Year of the Tiger has begun, and the girls will not stop. There are countless beautiful women, and the stars in their eyes are shining. Take one today, take a couple tomorrow, and only take the one you want. You'd better choose hard. I didn't get anything. This is playboy's fault. I advise you to take care of yourself, but a girl who is too worried will get hurt. Be single-minded and don't bully good women.
I am a second-rate chef, but I have a first-rate chef, who is my girlfriend. To say that she is first-class, I don't mean that she is a good cook, but that she is young and beautiful. So I am a second-rate chef, and I am still very happy. I'm going to work in a foreign country recently, and I'm going to talk to a good-looking hotel. When I left, the boss said to me, can you ask your assistant to come to work alone and give her your salary?
A pair of eagles gave birth to a baby eagle. When the baby eagle grows up, it shows a characteristic, that is, it is lazy during the day and its eyesight is very low, but it is lively at night and its eyesight is super strong. After consulting experts, the eagle asked the female eagle for atonement. "What is this?" The female eagle is guilty and dejected. "I'm sorry I lied to you." "How did you lie to me?" "I used to be an owl. In Me Before You, I have fixed my face."
Xiaohe: Hey, do you want to go to the city when you go back to Xiamen? . Xiao pang: the transition from the countryside to the city. Xiaohe: How to change the temperament of handsome guys? Xiao pang recently: I took the route of African refugees.
At the peak of electricity consumption, a group of fireflies are attached to the lamp for lighting. The mosquito saw it and asked, "What are you doing?" A firefly should arrive: no way, prices have gone up again, just to marry a daughter-in-law and earn some extra money.
Super classic funny quotations
Super classic funny quotations
1. You must call me online tonight, otherwise, I will write your name on the tablet.
2. My advantages are: I am handsome; But my shortcoming is: handsome is not obvious.
3. Agent A: Be lenient in confession and strict in resistance. Say, what's your name Ceng Xiaoxian: My name is Jackie Chan. Agent A: Why don't you call Zhen Chen? Put on a straight attitude and say, what's your name? Ceng Xiaoxian: My name is Zhen Chen ... I said, I said, my name is Zeng Ge, and my real name is Zeng Ge. Please believe me!
4. The method of "counting sheep" comes from abroad. In English, the pronunciation of "sheep" is sheep, which is very close to sleeping. Reading too much will have psychological hints. But how do China people use psychological cues in English? I have a new set that is more direct and effective-jiaozi. Jiaozi-Sleep, this is the psychological hint of China people!
5. At least it's a man, who sounds like Xiao Shenyang.
6. From the Big Bang to the collapse of the universe, you can't find anything thicker than you.
7. Our reputation, credit and reputation have always been the first!
8. I'm really not a celebrity, I'm a celebrity.
9. Be careful, I can rest assured. You are greedy, and I am worried. I'm glad you have a heart. You are a playboy, and I am disgusting. I'm sorry for your ingratitude. Bless all my heart, your moon, my heart, and the Spring Festival blessing is sincere. 56. That makes sense. Let me count how many people listen to your program. One, two, three, four ... What's six billion times zero?
10. If my relationship fails, it must be the other person lying on the ground.
1 1. As the saying goes, if you are not afraid of a leader like a donkey, you are afraid of subordinates like pigs.
12. What's your seat? I am made of meat.
13. Close the door and let Xiaoxian go.
14. You are more like Donnie Yen than Jet Li!
15. How can you say that he is crazy? Only if you have a brain.
16. Two heads are better than one.
17. I'm Brother Zeng. I told you, and I believe me.
Opportunities have fallen on me. But I dodged.
19. A good person is me, and I am Ceng Xiaoxian.
20. Hard life needs no explanation!
2 1. Q: What are the four sentences that Friar Sand said the most in Journey to the West? Answer: 1. Big Brother, Master has been taken away by the devil. 2. Big Brother, the second brother was taken away by the monster. 3. Big Brother, Master and Second Brother have all been taken away by monsters. 4. Second brother, the master was taken away by the monster.
22. Life is like a play, one is in love, the other is married and has children. This is normal.
23. Left eye jumps, peach blossoms bloom, right eye jumps, and chrysanthemums bloom.
24. I will definitely be cut into potato chips.
Let's face it, life is often much heavier than those idol dramas.
26. Help me cut the carrot into diced meat.
27. Where there is identity, there is identity card.
28. You talk to them until midnight every day. How can they have time to create human beings?
29. Bet me that it's not what you want, it's what I have …
30. Tucao is used to count money, not to make sense.
3 1. What's the difference between you and direct reincarnation? !
32. Is this a turning point? It's obviously the breaking point.
33. Now the raw rice has been cooked into porridge.
34. It's not terrible to die, but it's terrible to wait and die.
35. God, I can't wash myself by jumping into the sea in Japan.
36. Hard life needs no explanation!
37. Beating people does not advocate hitting the face and hurting self-esteem. We are brothers. As long as you dare to use violence against any of us, the other two of us will call the police.
38. It's always bad to quarrel. Why don't we have a fight?
39. Your head and ass are upside down again, aren't they?
40. If you drive a car with Xiaohong and Xiaoming in it, who owns it? Answer: Yes, if.
4 1. You can escape the monk, but you can't escape the abbot.
42. Go into the hall, go out of the kitchen, kill Trojans, climb fences, drive cars, afford houses, fight for mistresses and beat hooligans.
43. We are two young people who are standing on the street and are about to fly their dreams.
44. Q: A tortoise drilled its own shell, dismantled it, made a new one, and then went in to play with a health product. Answer: The tortoise drilled its own shell, dismantled its own shell and made a new one, and then went in to play with a health product. Answer again: The new cover and the middle cover ask again: The tortoise drilled out the shell again, dismantled it and covered it again, then got in and lived in it, and made a health care product and answered again: Giant calcium.
45. Your explanation is cover-up, cover-up is fact, and fact is the beginning of evil.
46. When you fall and there is only one box of blood left, call Brother Zeng three times to come back to life.
47. Counting sheep is done by foreigners, because sheep sleep and sleep are homophonic, and jiaozi also counts them.
48. This is the road to success, but it is still under construction. Remember to wear a helmet.
"Be quiet like a virgin and move like a raving rabbit."
50. "It is the duty of every citizen to despise you."
5 1. Tell your unhappy things to make everyone happy.
52. 7,2748 on 1 7, Women's Day on March 8, Labor Day on May 1 day, and Children's Day on June1day. ...
53. Ten thousand is the same as one million, because I don't have it!
54. I tell you, it's not a question of winning an Oscar, but ... how many!
55. Zi Qiao: That was when I was in high school. One day, I dreamed that I was taking an exam. After that, I suddenly realized that something even more terrible had happened. It turns out that I am really taking an exam!
56. It is not necessarily a big bird that can fly. It may be Li Ning. 23. Ha, I just don't understand movies at first glance. Commitment is a horror story.
57. Now all the performers are singing, those who can't sing are writing books, those who can't write books are acting, and those who can't play are singing. Showbiz is a circle.
58. If you don't play by common sense, Conan will be angry with Richard Moore if he is still alive.
59. Narcissism plus brain damage is self-mutilation!