Original text:

While I was waiting with this man under the awning of the flower shop on the street, a sudden heavy rain was sweeping the whole city.

There is the smell of withered roses in the wet cold wind. I stood there. I saw him running this way with a motorcycle helmet.

Flat head, sharp eyes, wearing a cloth shirt with soot.

At that time, I didn't know that we were heading in the same direction.

They are all going to the wedding.

Lin and his bride held a grand wedding reception in a hotel.

I had a boring chat with the florist. Dried flowers look like mummies and have no soul.

The boss said with a smile, flowers are not easy to sell, and they will be haggard after one night.

That's because it can't wait to reach out. I pulled out a withered rose and told him that it must have been waiting for a long time.

The man smiled at me with a funny expression, but said nothing.

The first thing he said to me was five hours later.

I walked out of the hotel lobby and he was waiting at the door.

He said, I'll take you back. You are drunk.

It's still raining, but it's just cool raindrops, gently hitting my hot face.

He drove slowly, and I thanked him for his silence, which made me cry silently behind him.

When I was a child, I was a bit of an eccentric girl.

My favorite is a person running to the grass by the lake to catch butterflies.

At that time, I was fostered at my grandmother's house in the suburbs.

Put all the butterflies caught in a paper box.

One day, a butterfly died.

I am afraid that these beautiful lives will leave me. It's irresistible.

Didn't ask anyone what to do.

One afternoon, I ran to the lake and dug a hole, and then buried the butterfly still flapping its wings alive.

The bright sunshine stung my eyes, and my fingers were covered with powder on the wings of butterflies. As thick as colorless blood.

It's safe at last. Nothing can hurt me. ...

I imagine my heart is broken like glass. With a slight sharp sound, it broke in an instant.

What a beautiful girl. Thick long hair and slightly slanted eyes.

I was the best girl in my class, but I always read novels in class.

One day, the math teacher couldn't stand it. No matter I am a girl who is a class cadre, she tells me to stand outside the classroom.

I walked to the campus alone. The quiet playground has only sunshine and birds.

It was a moment of deep fear and everyone left me.

When the bell rang, I saw Jing running towards me quickly, and then looked at me without saying a word.

I sat under the basketball stand, expressionless.

To tell you the truth, you are so brave.

Years later, I will still keep thinking about that moment.

I walked out of the door in full view. The sunshine outside the classroom is like water, and there is silence and darkness behind me.

All my self-esteem and shame collapsed silently at that moment.

He sent me to Loudaokou. In the shadow of the corner, his hand patted my cheek.

Have a good sleep, okay? Don't think about anything.

Suddenly it feels like he knows everything.

His eyes saw through the darkness behind every tear I shed.

I pushed his hand away and walked upstairs.

He was coming out of the classroom next door when he saw Lin.

The sun shines on his black hair, which is a lovely face of Zhang Mingliang.

Until I die, I will be a person who will be moved by beauty.

That painful touch, like a hand, gently holds my heart.

I was fourteen years old.

We will meet on many occasions.

He is the monitor of the next class. It is said that many girls like him very much.

But he is the kind of gentle and completely honest boy who keeps his distance from everyone.

At that time, I was an outstanding and withdrawn girl who often wore a white cotton skirt. But I don't like talking.

Sometimes at dusk, I run on the playground barefoot and wearing a pair of sneakers.

I like the big playground filled with dusk, quiet and wide, and I can see birds flying in the sky.

I ran round and round, experiencing the inner struggle in the fierce wind speed until I was exhausted.

Six years later, Lin came to my house to see me for the first time.

He was admitted to a university in the north and came to say goodbye to me.

In the meantime, we went to different key high schools and wrote plain and continuous letters for three years.

Perhaps this is his style, cautious, slow but persistent.

For me, this is a silent fester.

I hid all my imagination and passion.

Lin stood in the yard. It was a sunny summer night, and the wind was full of roses and flowers.

He was wearing a light blue shirt with white petals on his shoulders.

I reached out and gently brushed the petals off his shoulder.

Lin smiled and bowed his head.

We both know that we won't say anything to each other.

Let's move on.

The museum of literature and history on campus, the old brick house.

There are dark and empty wooden stairs, and the walls are covered with moss.

Jinghe and I always sneak in during the self-study class.

I remember the afternoon sunshine, like running water, pouring in the dusty room.

We sat on the high windowsill and looked at the quiet playground outside.

There is also an old cherry tree. In spring, white flowers seem to be burning.

There, Net showed me the letter written by Song to her.

Song is a taciturn boy in the class. We were all surprised that he would write such a letter.

To put it bluntly, he is completely different from the person I imagined.

I like the kind of handsome guy who laughs evil. What about you, Ann?

I don't think so.

I know, you like Lin. You two are good at pretending, pretending nothing happened.

Have you ever thought that one day, Lin might kiss you?

He will.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Lin's letter was sent from the far north, packed in a package.

Every time I read a letter, I put it in the Bible beside my pillow.

This is my favorite book. Every night before going to bed, I open it and read a dense section of traditional Chinese characters.

Lin's stationery has always been soft and yellowish.

He told me in detail about his single-parent family and his experience of growing up in the shadow of childhood.

I remember your eyes, Ann. Your eyes are bright and presumptuous.

I feel your soul will slip through my fingers like the wind.

But I still held out my hand again and again in fear.

Warm and ambiguous sentences bloom like flowers in Lin's letters.

I read it again and again. Over and over again, feeling the inner despair and happiness.

I was busy writing a manuscript on the computer when he called.

There is noisy music on one side.

Do you want to dance? He said.

No, I'm busy.

I want to invite you to a concert.

I don't like listening to such serious things. That's what I like, noisy and messy.

I put the microphone next to the speaker, thinking that he would be scared, I couldn't help laughing.

Sure enough, he said there, you are really a child.

I'll call you when I'm free, okay? I said.

All right.

I felt his patience. But I don't remember him very much.

For a long time, I lived an unusually quiet life.

Work on the computer at work and write on the computer after work.

It's hard to work part-time in the radio station. I have to show a stack of manuscripts to the program every day.

I don't have time to go out, meet boys and date them.

My favorite rest is to close the curtains and fall asleep in a dark room.

Gradually, I lost my language.

Listen to a concert with a strange man. Go on, smile at him, or be a good listener.

Anyway, it is something that makes me feel tired.

I remember the feeling of his hand stroking my face gently.

He said, don't think about anything.

I just shed tears in front of this strange man.

Easy, on a rainy night.

Without tears, the heart is a dry lake.

A heavy snow in memory.

Large snowflakes fall in the silent sky, silent and intense.

Two girls were lying on the windowsill, holding their breath.

To be honest, I don't know what will happen to us in the future.

At that time, they were sixteen years old and were about to enter high school.

Honestly, no matter what, let's not be apart, OK, Ann.

Think about it. At the age of thirty, we will bask in the sun and knit sweaters together in the park.

Our children play on the grass like us.

The playground filled with dusk outside the window was covered with heavy snow.

Loosen an umbrella and wait stubbornly at the entrance.

Net frowning at him. Ann, let's go down the other exit.

Two girls secretly ran downstairs and ran to the snow with a scream as soon as they got out of school.

Her face was red with cold in the heavy snow. Suddenly, she hugged Ann tightly and promised to stay with me forever.

I imagined another silent collapse in front of him.

I'm going to tell him all my sorrows and fears.

The sticky powder on the finger is the colorless blood on the butterfly wings.

I murdered them peacefully. The sunshine stung my eyes.

Commitment and affection, the tide without a way out, flooded me again and again.

Let me lose my freedom and feel suffocated.

But in reality, I am just a girl who hasn't been in the sun for a long time.

Wearing a washed white dress, writing late into the night.

All passion and imagination have become festering scars in my heart.

Going home on holiday, Lin came to see me.

We went out for a walk, a long quiet walk.

Along the open road by the river, you can go all the way to the fields in the suburbs.

The night sky in summer is full of stars. The cool wind is like water, and the air is full of the moist smell of plants.

We walked without saying much. Don't look at each other

Sit down and rest on the ridge next to the rice field. The silent night is like a sleeping face.

Lin said, I've always wanted to have a farm one day.

We are together, you have many children, sitting around the table every morning, waiting for me to cook milk for them to drink.

I listened to him with a smile and watched him gently hold my hand.

Then kiss one finger at a time.

It was our best time. I know.

It happened at the time of silent farewell.

In the dead of night, his phone rang.

Still not sleeping?

Insomnia

You should have a good sleep, okay? It is not good for girls to do this to themselves.

What are you doing?

What a wayward child. He smiled softly on the other end of the phone.

The patient man ignored my perfunctory and repetitive words.

I have heard of the huge advertisement he pulled for his unit, which is not a miracle for such an indomitable person.

He usually calls me in a week or so to remind me of my appointment with him. A firm but not demanding wit.

I just wanted to see you. Ann. Trust me.

Ann saw him in front of the bar.

This is the first time he has seen it.

Flat head, sharp eyes, ashtray shirt.

He said, this is your favorite music. You crazy girl.

He was suddenly a little at a loss. I can't believe you make me nervous.

He said a little strangely. No girl would make me so nervous.

That's a ghost in your heart. Ann always talks to him without mercy.

The narrow space where music is boiling is filled with tobacco flavor and intense music.

Every flashing face seems to be a mask.

Hide a broken soul for fun.

Only music is real.

Surging like a flood, beauty and fear flooded everyone's thoughts.

Ann ordered soda and sat at the bar, waiting for her favorite song.

He looked at her, and she looked as if no one was watching. She didn't say a word until she talked to him.

He always thought she was a wayward child. But sometimes her frankness and uninhibited make people confused.

Do you like me? She suddenly turned to him and said.

Bright eyes, looking at his embarrassment impudently.

I feel special. He said. I think we need to know each other.

Is it? She smiled. In fact, I am a particularly boring person. Once you get to know me, you will feel bored.

Then let me know.

She burst out laughing.

Her laughter is as unbridled as her eyes.

I don't remember fantasizing about the man I like.

His hair, his eyes, his breath, his voice.

I only know that if he were here, I would recognize him in the crowd.

In the wilderness of fate, there may be no clues to each other, but they just go with the wind.

Like a floating seed.

But I still have plenty of time in my hand.

Before getting older, before dying.

Waiting for his appointment.

Waiting for him to come as promised.

I don't know how many decades a person can give to another person in his life.

On the day when Lin came back from graduation, I went to the railway station to meet him.

I waited in the dark and watched the crowd pouring out of the exit.

I suddenly felt melancholy inside.

Bai Yutang's teenagers, and countless starry summer nights,

There are yellow stationery sandwiched in the Bible, which has supported our imagination for ten years.

A slow and perfect imagination without any sense of security.

Looking back, it seems like a night sky full of magical fireworks. Put it out silently.

I think maybe I never loved him.

I don't know what love is.

But that night, I realized there was nothing solid and reliable between us.

We stretched out our hands to each other in fear, and our souls were like the wind, but they slipped silently through our fingers.

He sent her home. Insist on seeing her to the door.

Then come in and sit down. She opened the door.

Books, magazines, English newspapers and CDs are everywhere.

A whole shelf of books piled up on the roof.

A wall in the room is covered with dark wooden photo frames with enlarged black and white photos.

She photographed the morning fog in the valley in Wuyi, Fujian.

The silent sunrise on the sea.

There are birds flying across the sky in the field.

And herself. The girl who looks cold.

Wearing a white cotton skirt, sitting on the gravel beside the railing.

Leaning against the glass window of the coffee shop, the crowd outside the window was in the twilight. On the thin sea back, the wind blows her hair tips and cloth skirts.

He looked at her photos carefully one by one.

When the photo is yellow, it looks decadent.

Have you been to many places?

Yes, I go out every year. The soul needs to wander.

She sat barefoot on a pile of newspapers and leafed through CDs.

Listen to music? I've been listening to Kevin Kern's piano recently. It's not bad.

He looked at her as if nothing had happened.

He remembered her tears.

On that rainy day, her face was stuck on his back. The rain was cold and the tears were warm.

You should live a normal life. He said. Marry me, and I will let you live a normal life.

Her eyes widened in surprise.

I won't let you write these manuscripts again, just let you look at the recipes every day.

Cook and wash clothes for me. Go to bed early every day and don't let you lose sleep.

She didn't laugh.

She watched him reach out and gently put it on her hair, as carefully as touching a flower.

The other day you showed me the withered rose, and you said it had been waiting for too long.

But you met me.

Commitment, who can believe in commitment?

The days just after graduation are tense and depressing.

Want to resign. Want to leave this city.

Quarrel with parents. Suddenly disappointed in life.

I took a leave of absence for half a month and went to Huashan, which I have been longing for for for for a long time.

It was dusk when I climbed Shanghai and pulled out the top of Huashan Mountain, which was more than 2,000 meters.

There is also a boy on the top of the mountain, holding a camera to shoot the rolling mountains in the sunset.

We all carry huge backpacks, wearing sneakers and loose cloth pants.

He smiled at me, and it was just the two of us on the top of the mountain.

The silent sky turned gray-purple, and a lonely eagle kept hovering under our feet.

Would you like some wine? He took out two cans of beer from his bag to celebrate our arrival in Huashan.

We sat on the rocks at the top of the mountain, drinking wine silently and watching the sunset.

Until Shan Ye was silent and the night fog rose.

I don't remember saying too much

When leaving, he suddenly said, how do you feel in front of beautiful things?

I said, it hurts.

Why?

It hurts to remember.

What if it doesn't hurt?

Then you can only forget.

In Xianyang airport, in the empty waiting room, I spread the postcard on my knee and wrote my last letter to Lin.

Lin, I have to go.

When I dropped the postcard into the mailbox, I heard my heart sink gently, silently and completely.

That fantasy that suppressed my whole adolescence, that pale and gorgeous fantasy, was originally such an unbearable lightness in life.

I chose to wait.

In junior year, Ann and Wang met for the first time four years later.

Ann remembers the first time Jing came to see her at school after graduating from junior high school.

She is in a key high school, and the Internet is a vocational high school.

In the grass beside the playground, Jing told her that her parents were getting divorced and something had happened at home.

Ann, Song comes to the school gate to wait for me every day. He comes every day.

Sunlight pours on a clean face, like a faint shadow.

Ann thought that at that moment, they found each other's silence.

Maybe they are all waiting for each other to say something. Commitment or comfort?

But pride and doubt, like a crack, stand there quietly. Life is different.

They are stubborn and insecure children.

On the rainy street, Ann saw Jing watching her behind the crowd.

Wet short hair, red lipstick. Looking back, she is still a beautiful girl with a proud heart.

Ann has heard of her experience. Wandering, parents separated, unable to find a job.

After living with Song for three years, I suddenly found that Song was dating another girl.

Net ran to her with a smile, and her hand was soft in Ann's, just like when they were together before.

Let's get wet, Ann. The way the net jumped with joy.

But this is goodbye. They all know.

Jing decided to go to the north.

I slapped him in the face, Ann. This is a heavy blow.

Right in front of that girl.

He looks pale. That's when I knew we had to end it.

When I ran downstairs, I suddenly found that I couldn't hear my heartbeat.

Ann. It was a terrible moment. No heartbeat. It's blank.

It rained heavily the day he failed in the college entrance examination.

I feel that he is in the room outside the door. He was soaked to the skin when I opened the door.

I'm having a hard time myself. My parents quarreled all night and the job they were looking for was not satisfactory.

Only he is by my side.

I think I decided to be with him at that moment.

I always thought I wouldn't fall in love with him.

But, I told myself, this is the man that fate pushed to me.

There is no room for fantasy. Life is so heavy and realistic.

I let him kiss me for the first time. We all cried in the heavy rain.

He said, I will be good to you all my life. I just want to have you in my life.

He bit my lip until it bled.

After my parents divorced, we lived together.

He went to speculate in stocks, and his life has been unstable.

When I went to the hospital for surgery, I really hoped that he would tell me to get married and have children.

However, he said he must find a job first.

I don't know, he is actually tired of this life.

On the operating table, I thought I was going to die.

When the window opened, I saw a small piece of light blue sky.

I asked myself, is this the love I want?

Those men have warm and cruel hands.

How could he put me in such humiliation and pain?

She looked at Ann with wide eyes. However, it is so empty that there is not a tear.

I always fantasize that you will come to see me. Ann.

Only you can give me the clean feeling of knowing and cherishing each other.

I remember we talked in your bed all night.

When I woke up, I found you holding my hand all the time.

During the time when we broke up, I always fantasized that you could come to see me.

But I know none of us would do that.

Our souls are interlinked, as fragile and as stubborn.

We won't live this long.

We are all girls.

In the dark and wet street, I bid farewell to Jing.

I said, let me go first.

Of all the separations, I was the first one to leave.

Leave others before they leave. This is the only way to protect yourself.

All right, all right.

She stood in the crowd, wearing an inferior skirt made of artificial fiber, lonely and helpless.

I let go of her hand gently. Turn around.

Cold and soft fingers left my palm in a hurry, like a dying butterfly, and flew away silently.

My face suddenly turned pale at that moment.

Just like that sunny afternoon, I let go of all my frightened fears.

Fantasy is far away from all the fragmented endings. All the deep feelings that make me exhausted.

The sunshine in my memory stung my eyes again.

His hand, carefully put on my hair.

I suddenly want to ask him, do you really know how to cherish an old girl?

Her dreams, her pain, all her waiting and sadness.

A woman's life is like a flower, and dying in her hand is happiness.

But we are all too young.

Still adhere to the lonely watch.

I said to Lin, do you love her?

It was in a square downtown, and Lin gave me his wedding invitation.

Is a girl in his unit, insists on liking him, and even breaks up with her original boyfriend.

I have written to him for a whole month.

After a long silence, Lin chose to get married hastily.

I will love you after a long time. Lin said softly.

I'm just tired and want to rest.

We stood in the crowd.

Some vague memories are broken in the wind.

The cool summer breeze, the smell of wet plants in the air, and the silent starlight all over the sky.

And the boy with white petals on his shoulders under the wild rose.

I suddenly reached out and saw warm tears on my hands.

Lin's tears fell silently on my fingers.

At Lin's wedding, I watched him put a ring on the girl and turned to kiss her.

My heart suddenly fell silent.

We bid farewell in the noisy city dust.

I walked quietly alone in the crowd.

Neon lights on busy streets began to shine everywhere.

I saw myself in the shop window.

A woman in a washed old white cotton skirt. A pair of bright and presumptuous eyes.

Gradually, I got used to silence in the silent waiting.

My life will go on peacefully.

Go to work day after day. When I got home, I wrote a boring manuscript to the radio station on the computer while playing loud rock music.

Occasionally, I will travel and meet a stranger who can drink at the top of the mountain and watch the sunset.

Or date a man who will have endless patience with my willfulness.

Or marry him, cook and wash clothes for him, and live a plain life.

I gradually realized that my waiting was just a silent festering.

But everything goes on.

At the student union meeting, I sat in the darkest corner and watched the playground outside the window gradually shrouded in dusk.

Lin's voice echoed in the empty auditorium.

Accompanied by girls' teasing and crisp laughter.

In the crowd, Lin is handsome and personable.

He smiled back, witty and gentle, with the reserve of a top student.

I looked at him from a distance.

The gentle and melancholy things in my heart, like the tide, surge gently

But I keep a straight face.

Lin suddenly turned around and asked me, Ann, what's your opinion?

I almost shook my head in embarrassment. Under the attention of all, pale.

I am used to keeping silent under his sharp edge.

Growing up, I always liked to be a girl who watched.

Quiet, autistic, blocked all the talk and passion.

But I want to run to the playground.

Quiet and spacious playground, birds flying in the twilight sky.

I want to run hard again in sneakers.

The strong wind and heartbeat make me feel suffocated.

In the dizzy pain and happiness, I feel like a bird flying in the wind.

Over and over again.