1, five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, so I called the hundred-dollar bill:
"Ah! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! "
One hundred dollar bills thought for a moment and said:
"Tear it, tear you up and you don't even have five dollars!"
A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.
Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "
Man: "I want a wife ..."
The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Then he disappeared.
Man: "... cake."
The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two and played badminton.
Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four sections and plays mahjong.
Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.
Mother earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! "
Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football. "
4. Panda Man wants QJ Panda Girl, and Panda Girl fights hard and fights to the death.
After the failure, Panda Man said angrily, "We are all going extinct!" "
5. tortoise and rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ......
The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ......
Then ..... the snail climbed up. ......
Soon ... The tortoise saw another ant ... and said to him, Come up, too. ......
So the ants came up.
When the ant appeared ... he saw the snail on it ... and said to him, hello.
Do you know what the snail said?
Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. .......
6. A man and a woman are eating.
Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me?
The boy glanced at the girl and went on eating dinner.
The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me or not?
The boy finally said: love
The girl asked again, then how do you prove it?
Suddenly, the boy took out 30 yuan money from his pocket.
And ask the girl: Do you have ten dollars?
The girl gave the boy ten yuan. ......
The boys put forty yuan on the table.
soon .....
The girl was very angry and asked the boy, Do you want to prove that you love me?
The boy said: I have been proved! Forty is just around the corner!
7. Go to the snack street one day
Find a store that sells egg towers
Every one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.
I asked the clerk: Is this sold separately?
Shop assistant: No, it's Japanese.
8. One day, a family caught fire.
Mom and dad both fled, leaving only one son inside.
Mother was very nervous and shouted outside:
"Son ... what are you doing ... it's on fire ..."
The son replied, "I'm wearing socks ..."
Mom said again, "What socks to wear in case of fire ..."
After five minutes, my son hasn't come out yet. ......
Mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what the hell are you doing?" Come out ~ fire, stay inside ... "
The son said, "I'm taking off my socks."
9. A man went fishing by the river.
First he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~
He had no choice but to change earthworms ~ and there was still no fish for a long time ~ ~
In a rage, he took out 100 RMB and fell into the water to curse:
"*-%#% what to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! ! "
10, a German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.
The boss is American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique and you are in charge of coolies.
Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan.
He said to the Japanese: You are very thin. You are in charge of supply.
Then every other week, they start to work.
A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.
When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:
"surprise! 」
1 1, "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.
"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"
"the sun." The patient replied.
"Then how far do you want to see!"
One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.
The snake said: I am too young to fart so smelly. It must be a cow.
The cow said: I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly.
The pig said: People who fart will blush.
Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and drove the pig away, saying, How many times have I told you, I was born blushing.
13 One day, a man met God. ......
God suddenly kindly gave the man a wish. ......
God asked ......
Do you have any wishes? ......
The man thought about it. ......
I heard that cats have nine lives. ......
Then please give me nine lives. ......
God said, ......
Your wish has come true. ......
One day, the man was idle and bored. ......
If you want to say death, forget it. ......
There are nine lives anyway
Lying on the tracks. ......
As a result, a train passed by. ......
That man is still dead. ......
Why is this?
Because that train has 10 cars. ......
14, one day, three people came to the funeral home. Strangely, their smiles after death are all ......
Confused, the funeral home manager asked the police: Why do people's faces look like this after death?
The policeman said, it's ... it's a long story ... look at the man on the left ... he and his wife are in the spring night ... at the most passionate moment ... he can't stand death.
The administrator replied, alas ... I wish I could die under the flower ... Being a ghost is also very romantic ... How did the middle one die?
Policeman: The one in the middle ... Oh, he ... is really a human tragedy ... He was walking on the road ... Suddenly, he heard that he won the lottery ... and the prize money exceeded 700 million yuan. ..
When he was laughing happily ... he was hit by an oncoming car ... and died. ......
The administrator replied: Alas ... he really didn't have enough luck to enjoy the rest of his life ... What about the rest?
Policeman: ... it's a pity that this one died ... he was killed by lightning while climbing a tree.
The administrator replied: ... This is a bit wrong. Why do you laugh when you are struck by lightning? ......
The policeman said, because he climbed the tree and thought ... suddenly there was a flash of lightning. ......
He thought ... someone was taking pictures of him. ......
15, it is said that thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting when urinating.
It was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed. ...
Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man keeps a pair of Beijing dogs. On one occasion, Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven and brought this pair to. ...
Halfway through the sacrifice, the bitch suddenly felt anxious and ran behind a tree to solve it.
This is a very disrespectful act when offering sacrifices to heaven, which angered the jade emperor.
The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, and the thunder hit the tree just right. The tree fell and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. ...
From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will put out a foot and push it hard against the tree.
Lest the tree fall down and crush himself ... 1, the boy next door finally vowed to lose weight-at the graduation meeting, someone said to him, "Sorry, buddy, you are blocking my cell phone signal."
Lei Feng did a good deed without leaving a name, but everything was recorded in his diary.
4. I skipped classes too much. I wanted to go to class yesterday and met the professor. The professor said in surprise, I haven't seen you for so long, and I have grown so big.
5, I left Qinglong, right * *, and I have a Mickey Mouse tattooed on my shoulder.
6. Every time I miss a girl, I put a brick on the ground, so there is the Great Wall.
7, playing with water, all civilized terms drowned; Compare wings * *, all civilized terms fall to death.
8. Pure, fictional, chaotic and beautiful.
9. Happiness is scratching when it itches. Unfortunately, it itches but I can't catch it. More unfortunately, for a long time, neither the soul nor the body felt itchy.
10, although I can't be a descendant of the rich, I must be an ancestor of the rich.
165438+
12, who held my hand and made me crazy for half my life; Who, kiss my eyes, cover my half-life displacement.
13, the crowd searched for her for thousands of Baidu, and suddenly looking back, that person still shrugged off me.
14, after studying for more than ten years, I think kindergarten is better.
15 What is happiness? Happiness is that cats eat fish, dogs eat meat, and Altman beats small monsters.
16, were you once a dung ball rolled by a small retarded dog and a cockroach, and adopted by a mentally retarded master who is known as a pear flower over a begonia in Shaolin Temple?
17. I like the first half of your mother's short story. That's all for today. Please continue to enjoy it at the same time tomorrow. I like the second half of your mother. ...
18. Advertisement on the subway: Is it crowded? Buy a car! Advertisements in taxis: Are they blocked? Take the subway!
19, received the SMS. There is a monkey in the zoo, so ugly that everyone vomits. One day I went there and I threw up. One day you went there and the monkey threw up.
20, saying that money is evil, it is fishing; Say beauty is a disaster, everyone wants it; It is said that the height is too cold and everyone is climbing; Say that alcohol and tobacco hurt the body and don't quit; Say heaven is the best, don't go!
2 1, strongly protest against TV series during commercial time!
22. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for your family, and thank you for your ancestors for 18 generations. Have you ever seen anyone thank you like this? )
23. Although the famous flowers are taken, I will loosen the soil!
24. Excuse me! I'm already dead! But thank you for coming to see me! See you tonight 12!
25. I drown my sorrows in wine, but I learned to swim in this damn pain.
26. Data show that in 2008, men accounted for 52% of the total population in China, while women accounted for 43%. (Tianya-Chai Ge is a classic, and the civilized language is too strong)
27. Do you want to get rich? Do you want to get lucky? Do you want to be an official? Do you want to become famous overnight? Do you want to be young forever? -Stop dreaming and study hard!
The fool stole the beggar's wallet and was seen by the blind. The dumb shouted, which startled the deaf. Camels come forward and lame people fly. The wanted man wants to take him to the public security bureau. Asako said, look at my face.
29, loneliness is a person's carnival, carnival is the loneliness of a group of people.
30, must be confused, don't pursue the truth ... the truth is * *!
3 1, dreaming of dream of eating spaghetti, I woke up in the morning and found my shoelaces gone!
32. A lover is a road, but a friend is a tree. There is only one road in life, and there are many trees on one road. If you have money, you won't get lost; if you lack money, you will rely on trees; if you are happy, you won't forget your way; when you rest, you will water trees.
33. An iron pestle can be ground into a needle, and a wooden pestle can only be ground into a toothpick. The material is wrong, and it's no use trying again.
34. The green hills remain the same, and the firewood remains the same.
I don't want to eat porridge every day. I went to the vegetable market yesterday. I think I'll continue to eat porridge.
37, my principle is: people don't commit me, I don't commit crimes; If someone attacks me, I will be angry!
38. I slowly discovered that talents are goblins! Some goblins eat people, but people eat everything. If you catch a leprechaun, maybe you can have a barbecue!
39. After listening to your words, saints study.
40. Sister Guang is not a stick, but loneliness.
4 1. Geography teacher: What would our world be like if the earth stopped turning? Little B: Even if the earth doesn't turn, we will continue to turn around the Party Central Committee with President Hu as the center.
42. You see, there are always so many things that make you sad in the world: lack of rain or shine, joys and sorrows, impotence and premature ejaculation.
44. The bombarded head will also sort out lightning strikes.
45. Love is a luxury. It's like a fox coat in a Paris window, so dazzling and charming, but the price tag on it will wake people up. Love is also a luxury, you can only look at it from a distance, don't fantasize, don't touch it, because it is indispensable to meet the right person at the right time and in the right place.
46. If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for its lack of gravity when you are constipated.
47. Although I am not very handsome, when I was a child, some people praised my left nostril as an idol.
48. Old advice: Daughter, eat a little to lose weight.
49. Spring is a season of colds and high spirits. Someone accidentally caught a cold, and someone accidentally fell in love. I belong to the former.
50. I am also an infatuated seed, but it rained ... and I drowned.
5 1, the red apricot does not go out of the wall, resolutely pull it out.
I allow you to come into my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in my world.
Even if I were a toad, I would never marry my mother toad.
55. Money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!
56. Boys are poor, otherwise they don't know how to struggle: girls are rich, otherwise they will be coaxed away as a piece of cake.
When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. In old age, mirrors are flat.
58. When I have a son named "Shuai", people will say "Shuai Dad!"
59. Fish said: I always open my eyes to leave your side. Water said: I have been flowing tirelessly all day, trying to surround you and hold you tightly. The pot said: it's almost cooked, and there's still so much nonsense. .
60. Happiness is: I am hungry, and when I see someone holding a meat bun in his hand, he is happier than me; I was cold, and he was happier than me when I saw someone wearing a thick cotton-padded jacket. I want to go to the toilet. It's just a pit. You are happier than me when you squat there.
Everyone has at least one dream and a strong reason.
Daughters aged 62 and 5 ask their father to do something for her. Dad: "Dad is very tired. Give me a compliment, and I will be refreshed again. " Daughter: "Lao Zheng!" Dad: "Hey!" Daughter: "Your Niu Niu is really beautiful ..."
64. If the heart has no place to live, it will wander everywhere!
65. The brain is the noblest organ-because it tells you.
67. Zhuge Liang never led a soldier before he came out of the mountain. Why should I have work experience? ! !
68. The highest level of work is to watch others go to work and get their wages.
69. When I was a child, I didn't study. My mother said, "When I grow up, I will let you marry a bachelor who sells pork." Now educate my daughter: "study hard and grow up to marry a bachelor who sells pork."
70. I have lived for more than 20 years and have done nothing for the motherland and the people. Every time I think about it, my heart aches.
7 1, happy? Can you still feel happy? !
73. Mom said that it is best not to miss two things in life: the last bus home and a person who loves you deeply.
The important task of post-74 s and post-80 s is to be post-08 s.
75. There is no rehearsal in life. Every day is a live broadcast. Not only the ratings are low, but also the salary is not high.
76. The future is bright, but there is no road.
77. Who says crows are as black as crows? In fact, one is darker than the other!
79. I really want to have a quiet and serious crush like Don Quixote. ...
80. What would face do if it weren't for making money …
90. Miss's beard looks so euphemistic that she must be a good family!
9 1, how nice it is for parents to take that 10 minute for a walk!
92. Work is so interesting! Especially watching others work. ...
93. How did you escape from the trash can after the abortion?
95. Love your country, your family, your sister, and guard against thieves and brothers ~
96. I really don't want to despise you with my toes. But, man, you made me do it.
97. The cruelest thing in life is that people can only be young once.
99. The innocence of love in college lies in being able to eat instant noodles together and drink soup with an open mind.
100, big brother … I swear to the lamp … I really smoked … I wonder if I can help you.