My feelings after reading more than 400 pages

The author is a patient with depression, but his writing style is relaxed and pleasant. I think she made those dark, intense substances bright and airy. The "plot" of her having a depressive attack, yelling, trembling, and being hugged by a handsome man is beautified by the text. The pink color read by readers is greater than the black color of the real thing. The language throughout the book is lively and does not match the author's behavior of committing suicide and being in a daze all day long, unwilling to wake up. She is a smiling depressed patient. That is to say, looking lively and humorous can make others laugh, but not yourself.

Eventually the author was released from the mental hospital, and the man who held her when she collapsed became her lover. On the one hand, the author is undoubtedly lucky. My parents seldom criticize me. My good friends say that I will always be there. My soft and lovely side is seen and cared for by another person's soul. On the other hand, the author's own efforts, she is a reporter, she uses words to record what happened in the mental hospital, and she warmly heals the people around her.

Depressed patients are not people who cannot be happy, but people who lack vitality. Loss of interest in everything. Music, movies, food and life have become stagnant water that cannot make ripples. Only the pain of suicide can remind yourself that you are alive. Death has a strong attraction for self-liberation.

Is there a reason?

1. Others use their own thinking to look at the problem. Friends will subconsciously think that you are not strong enough, too pretentious, or just think too much. But in fact it seems that except for a little problem in some parts of the brain, this little physiological problem will cause a series of reactions.

2. Push yourself to the cliff of extreme loneliness. I think I will be like this for the rest of my life. What everyone likes is the superficial me, and the optimistic and cheerful me on the surface is a shield used to hide my true depressed self. Thinking that the surface self is not a part of yourself.

3. Consider others too much. Talking becomes something that disturbs the other person.

At present, give yourself the "reasons" that you can see from the book.

The behavior of searching for depression books indicates that you doubt whether you are depressed? I have lost a lot of interests and am particularly afraid of the moment I wake up. I especially want to be alone and in the same space with another person, which will lead to a sense of escape. I have a strong sense of loneliness and believe that all names placed on contacts are false. I have the urge to delete them all...

I have no energy to run, study, write, dress, look at the outfits, and have no desire to fall in love. I think no one will love me. How long have you had these feelings? Judging from the records, it existed in September 2021.

But I hope that I still have some urge to watch movies. I also want to watch those bloody sweet love dramas. If my sister comes back, we will definitely go for a ride on the bike. If someone calls me , the excited water will spurt out from the stagnant water all of a sudden. So I still have to keep hope and wait for my energetic self. Because all these signs indicate that maybe I am too lonely and my life is too boring... maybe.

Every time at this time, I dream about someone who is like fire and light. Come and ignite me. I will chase you. I will put down all my self-esteem, if that can make me look forward to it again. But I generally don't have very good luck. I can only get 3 or 4 of the 30 multiple-choice questions right. Waiting for such a person is like waiting for Godot.

Well, I calmed down for a while and wanted to save myself.

However, if my friend reads these words, will you say, have I always been there? Just like what I said to you?