The following sketch lines are urgently needed! ! ! ! ! ! Urgent! ! ! ! ! ! !

Lines from the sketch Kung Fu

Zhao Benshan: I heard that he stopped being a chef and became an anti-fraud hotline. How dare he threaten not to be cheated again? The cruel reality has reached my psychological defense. If I don't sell him something this year, I can't pass on the topic I promised for three years to the audience.

Disciple 1: Master, go in!

Zhao: Don't worry, make a harassing call first. (On the phone) Yes. Hello!

Fan Wei: Hello. I'm here to lend you a pair of anti-fraud hotlines. I am Lao Fan's senior. With years of experience, I can make a clear judgment on whether you are fooled: someone is selling, please press1; Someone sells a car, please press 2; Someone has a brain teaser, please press 3; Someone sells stretchers. Call 1 10 directly.

Zhao: Hello!

Fan: Hello!

Zhao: Excuse me, are you Master Fan?

Fan: Who are you?

Zhao: I'm ... I have a question to ask you directly.

Fan: Well, you say.

Zhao: I have an old sow with white flowers in the dark. In the morning, she opened the door together and ran at a speed of 80 pulses per hour. She hit a tree and died!

Fan: killed? Is there anything wrong with the pig's eyesight?

Zhao: Both eyes are 1.5.

Fan: Will there be any mental illness?

Zhao: I am mentally healthy!

Fan: Then how could he be killed?

Zhao: That pig can't turn sharply!

Fan: I said you don't follow the routine! Press 3 for a brain teaser! In that case, let me ask you a question.

Zhao: You say.

Fan: It's the Spring Festival. Our family didn't buy new year's goods, only a pig and a donkey were left. Do you think I should kill the pig or the donkey first?

Zhao: Then you kill ... (to the apprentice) I'll give you two more chances.

Disciple 1: Kill the donkey first.

Zhao: Kill the donkey first.

Fan: Congratulations, you got it right. So do pigs.

Zhao: samples! Sad! Really makes me feel sorry for you! How can I rest assured that I am about to wander the rivers and lakes alone?

Disciple 2: Master, let's kill the pig first.

Zhao: That donkey thinks so, too! I'm telling you, it's not good for you to kill someone first on this issue. Why don't I answer? Just because I think there's something wrong. Did you get a look at him? He developed from one track-minded in those days to two blocked ends now!

Disciple 1: Master, he is amazing. Let's go home!

Zhao: You can't go back! Selling abduction to make it limp; Selling cars made him lose his head; If I don't get rid of him in ten minutes, I can't be a teacher with you two anymore.

Disciple Qi said: Master leads the door, fooling people!

Zhang: OK. Look me in the eye. Get in the car! Beautiful him!

Disciple: Is Master Fan there?

Fan: Who are you? Excuse me, do you consult ... (looking at Zhao) ouch! Oh, dear! Ah! Ah! Ah! ..... What's that look? Quite chic! Very 6+7? ! How did this all-powerful fool get into this situation? Oh, my God, my God, did that angel sister give me that tone? The pig hit a tree. Did you hit a pig? Did you rear-end the car? Why did you change three more?

Zhao: I have missed you for three years.

Fan: Fool!

Zhao: I've come to confess to you.

Fan: Keep fooling!

Zhao: My apprentice testified.

Fan: The group tricked me into coming. It's no use, you idiot. As long as we kind people are alert to you, what will you do? There will be some brain teasers soon. There is a monkey on the ground and seven monkeys on the tree. These are two monkeys, or eight monkeys.

Zhao: Maybe three monkeys, maybe nine monkeys.

Fan: Why has it changed again?

Zhao: pregnant with a monkey.

Fan: Is it interesting?

Zhao: It's boring. It's not the initial stage of giving you a brain teaser. I came to apologize for being with you. For three years, the most sorry person in the world is Chef Fan. What a nice person. I always tell you why you think I lied to him. More honest and more honest, you say me, you hit me twice, you can't do it. You can't talk if you scold me. That's it. You forgive me anyway, and I won't forgive you here. Forgive me sincerely.

Fan: Ah-ah! Still blowing. Listen, fool, hey, keep fooling.

Zhao: Help me up.

Fan: Can you stand up? Ah, ah, ah, go, take two steps. Take two steps. Come on, let's go. Well, this is wrong, isn't it? Everyone is watching. If anything happens, it's none of my business. Why do you always hang lanterns? Do you always stand up? what can I do for you? Let's get this straight, okay?

Zhao: Do you want to hear it?

Fan: I want to hear it.

Zhao: Have you received your letter?

Fan: I will believe you as long as you stand up.

Zhao: Then you can go. I can stand up.

Fan: Hum, go ahead.

Zhao: It's a long story. I remember it was the first snow in 2003, a little later than the snow in 2002.

Fan: What did you do with the lyrics? If you have something, just say it.

Zhao: I won't play with you. I will apologize to you today.

Zhao: load the goods quickly! Look familiar?

Fan: Is this the hundreds of dollars you cheated me of?

Fan: Nothing has moved.

Fan: Which watch is this?

Zhao: If you wear it on your hand, you won't read.

Fan: Well, brother-

Zhao: Is this the end of our feud? And it, in recent years, is this wheelchair that has delayed our feelings. I must smash it in front of you today.

Disciple: Master, you can't smash it. Master, this wheelchair is a witness to your brother's reunion.

Zhao: Don't talk nonsense. Can't pull me.

Disciple: Master, alas, Master!

Fan: Brother, fight if you want. Brother, you are so sincere! The children are right. It is not only a testimony to our reconciliation, but also a reminder to me to avoid being fooled again in the future. I collected it.

Zhao: No, how can you accept the money that students give me?

Fan: OK, I'll pay more.

Zhao: How much did it cost?

Disciple: Two thousand.

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: I'll give it to 2.5 thousand.

Fan: Me, three thousand.

Zhao: Me, 3,500.

Fan: I'm four thousand.

Zhao: I'm five thousand.

Fan: Deal.

Zhao: You are a chef. Hey hey.

Fan: You called 5000, and I stayed. Deal!

Zhao: That's not true. You remember wrong. How did you shout it out?

Health: I heard it was Chef Fan.

Fan: What, what?

Health: No, the master shouted.

Zhao: It's a mess. Well, it doesn't matter who shouts. Look, let's see. It's a little messy Who shouted first?

Fan: I called first.

Zhao: How much did you shout?

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: Me, 2,500.

Fan: Three thousand.

Zhao: 3.5 thousand.

Fan: Four thousand.

Zhao: 4,500.

Fan: Five thousand.

Zhao: You see, it is very clear.

Fan: Hey, it's a little messy, a little messy.

Zhao: You can calculate again.

Fan: Don't talk to anyone. I'll do the math myself and touch it myself.

Zhao: You will be confused by yourself.

Fan: Stop it. Two thousand, two thousand five hundred, three thousand, three thousand five hundred, four thousand, four thousand five hundred, five thousand, hey.

Zhao: You did it backwards. You ordered two thousand.

Fan: Two thousand, two thousand five hundred, three thousand.

Zhao: No.

Fan: Two thousand, two thousand five hundred, three thousand, three thousand five hundred, four thousand, four thousand five hundred, five thousand.

Zhao: That's right.

Fan: Oh dear.

Health: I remember wrong, you shouted.

Fan: No, no, big brother, after I shout 4 thousand, you just shout 5 thousand, right?

Audience: Yes!

Zhao: Well, it's a mess. Since my brother and I agreed to accept it, shall we shout it again? Let's find out who is calling this 5 thousand. What is the starting price?

Health: Two thousand.

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: (falling vertebra) Deal! It's not messy this time.

Fan: You're not calling?

Zhao: I'm afraid I'm going to shout again.

Health: You shouted this time.

Fan: Well, all right. Do not move. Do not move. This wheelchair is mine. Do not move. I'll pay you two thousand.

Zhao: Brother, you shouldn't ask for money, but you have to save face if you want to save face, don't you? You shouldn't want it, but, but it's not your character not to give it.

Fan: I'm fooled if I give it to you.

Zhao: cheated? I tell you, at all, I don't want to. ...

Fan: I robbed it instead.

Zhao: You misunderstood. I want to ask you. ...

Fan: Stop pretending. From the moment you entered the room, you used bitter medicine, playing hard to get, and the master and apprentice cooperated with the plan to smash the car and fell into the vertebral trap. I only used one.

Z: Cooperate.

Fan: I'll give you a plan.

Zhao: Walking is the best policy.

Fan: No!

Zhao: I failed. Do you know why I failed? The chef didn't look at the menu, but he took a fancy to Sun Tzu's Art of War. Leave!

Disciple: (Xiang Fan) Master!

Fan: Hey, hey, master, master.

Zhao: What are you doing? Where are you kneeling? I am here. What are you two doing? What are you doing?

Disciple: Master, I'm so sorry. Your IQ is too low to learn from you. What should you do? Let's go. We will miss the no.2 bus.

Zhao: Oh dear!

Disciple: Master is in the class, and disciples worship me!

Zhao: God, the world is really crazy. The mouse is the cat's maid of honor. Oh, my God!

Disciple: Master! Please accept us!

Fan: Hey, kid, there are no cliffs in the sea of misery. Just turn around and study hard. Give you a red envelope during the Spring Festival.

Zhao: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Can you two take this money? Didn't I pay you both last month? Sad!

Fan: Come on, one for each person. Take it. Take it.

Zhao: Sad.

Disciple: Master Xie

Fan: Oh, no, no. You're welcome.

Disciple: Master, Master, take it off!

Zhao: Anti-treachery.

Fan: Oh, it's impossible to prevent! But this is a big scam. I won't accept you. You fool around, fool around. Am I still in a wheelchair?

Zhao: What do you want?

Fan: What about your promise to the audience?

Zhao: What promise?

Fan: Where's your stretcher?

Zhao: Develop it yourself!

Fan: Hey!

Zhao: This is for you. If it is short, it can be lengthened.

Fan: Oh, you took great pains for me. Thanks to my superior plan, I opened the red envelope. Chinese New Year, send you a pair of couplets:

Turn around for a year and shake your destiny for a year.

Thank you for learning from your mistakes.

Zhao: I'll give you another batch.

Become a useful person by self-study

Cross talk "advertisement" Qizhi private house

Listen online:

/searchs.asp？ Music & ampq=%C5%C4%B9%E3%B8%E6

Text:

Private: Some friends may know me. I am the agent of an advertising company. Ah, I have many advertisements in my hand. Today, I will take up five minutes of my friends' precious time. I'm here to advertise wine. Six grains of liquid! I'm not an advertisement that appeals to ordinary people. I called a star. Yang is strange. The actors are ready, lights and cameras. Let's go over them. Everybody cooperate. Ready to go!

Drink the best wine in the world and make friends! Drink the best wine in the world and do somersaults in the car!

Private: Stop!

Qizhi: Who shouted stop?

Soldier: I said stop.

Qizhi: Hey, why did it stop?

Private: celebrities.

Qizhi: Huh?

Soldier: You broke the brand of this wine! I'll tell you once.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Private: After you come up with this bottle of wine.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Private: It's like being drunk but not drunk. Ah, say something to the camera.

Qizhi: Say something?

Private: Since I have drunk six grains of liquid, I am the Six Six Great Shun Six Beasts, so take a sip.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Private: Ah! Good wine! It's over.

Qizhi: It's over.

Soldier: All right.

Qizhi: Hehehehe.

Private: Let's put it simply.

Qizhi: What an uneducated advertisement.

Soldier: Come on, get ready, let's go.

Qizhi: I have had it since I drank 666. ...

Private: Stop! Stop it, it will kill people. Six more grains of liquid.

Qizhi: Since I drank Liugu Liquid, I am Liuliu Dashun Liuwan!

Private: OK, drink it. All right, tell me about it.

Qizhi: Good pesticide! Ah, that's not wine! Sulfuric acid. Your tongue barely burned out. Sulfuric acid!

Soldier: Isn't that nonsense?

Qizhi: Huh?

Soldier: If I want good wine, what advertisement should I let you advertise?

Qizhi: Take me as a cover!

Soldier: Who used you as a cover? I promise to give you ten thousand yuan.

Qizhi: How much is it?

Private: Ten thousand.

Qizhi: Ten thousand dollars?

Soldier: Quite a few.

Qizhi: Listen, friends, this fake wine advertisement costs 10,000 yuan. People with problems come to me. My father taught me from an early age to be an honest man and live up to my conscience. Keep 10 thousand for yourself Stop advertising, the celebrity is gone!

Private: Ah, hahaha. Let's discuss it. Twenty thousand!

Qizhi: How much is it?

Private: Twenty thousand!

Qizhi: Twenty thousand?

Private: Hehehehe.

Qizhi: Put it there, put it there.

Private: Oh, too ...

Qizhi: Hey, put it there. We don't advertise fake wine for 20 thousand yuan.

Soldier: Ah, right, right, right.

Qizhi: Can you let me do some other advertisements?

Private: OK, OK, OK.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Soldier: Tell you, are you a celebrity?

Qizhi: Hmm.

Soldier: Tell you what, 20,000 yuan, you make a shampoo advertisement for me.

Qizhi: What shampoo?

Soldier: It's called Guangliang brand shampoo.

Qizhi: It sounds a bit like shoe polish to me.

Soldier: What shoe polish?

Qizhi: Hmm.

Private: new products.

Qizhi: New products.

Private: specializes in dandruff.

Qizhi: Oh, it's for dandruff.

Private: Hey, 20,000 yuan, as long as you say a word to the camera.

Qizhi: This is not dangerous. I made this advertisement.

Private: OK.

Qizhi: It's good to be a celebrity.

Soldier: Remember your lines.

Qizhi: Twenty thousand in one word.

Soldier: Don't be wrong.

Qizhi: Hehe.

Private: Before.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Soldier: I have severe dandruff. It's so annoying.

Qizhi: I'm tired of hearing this voice.

Private: Every time I shoot a white-haired girl in the regiment.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Soldier: When it's going to snow, tell me to climb on the roof.

Qizhi: This advertisement is disgusting. Look at it.

Private: Later, I tried Illuminati shampoo.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Soldier: A month later, a miracle happened.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Soldier: It's no use. There is dandruff here.

Qizhi: Use this side?

Soldier: Even the scalp is gone!

Qizhi: Bah! You're still sulfuric acid, okay?

Private: exaggeration.

Qizhi: Sulfuric acid is in the wine, this time in the shampoo. I tell you, I only have one scalp. What if someone washes it and it's gone My father taught me from an early age to be an honest man and live up to my conscience. I won't do this advertisement. Officially, celebrities are gone. This is not right. Who brought me here?

Soldier: It's called money makes the mare go.

Qizhi: What do you mean?

Private: How about 40 thousand?

Qizhi: Forty thousand dollars?

Private: Yes.

Qizhi: My father said that.

Private: Yes.

Qizhi: 40,000 yuan.

Private: Do you want to do it?

Qizhi: worthy of conscience.

Soldier: Thank you very much for your father.

Qizhi: I would be a fool if I didn't do this. Give me 40 thousand

Soldier: 40 thousand can't do this grade of advertising.

Qizhi: What is advertising?

Private: Do a high-end drug advertisement.

Qizhi: What medicine?

Private: this is called being smart.

Qizhi: Is it smart and fun? For what?

Private: Specialized in 250.

Qizhi: There is also a cure for this.

Soldier: You are smart if you eat people.

Qizhi: Get smart?

Private: There is only one request for 40,000.

Qizhi: What are the requirements?

Soldier: From now on, you stand on the stage.

Qizhi: Hmm.

Soldier: Every time I say a word, I bring out the words smart and happy.

Qizhi: Don't worry, there are 40,000 yuan at the bottom. I can say these words when I talk in my sleep.

Soldier: I won't pay unless you say a word.

Qizhi: Don't worry.

Soldier: Try it once.

Qizhi: I'm coming.

Soldier: Everything.

Strange Tales from a Lonely Studio: Friends 250 is a chronic disease of human beings.

Private: Yes.

Curiosity: Every year, hundreds of millions of people suffer from 250 poisons.

Private: This is more than 250.

Curiosity: 250 is fun.

Private: You are so clever.

Qizhi: I asked you to make trouble with that 250.

Soldier: What a celebrity.

Qizhi: Cleverness is the bane of 250.

Private: Yes.

Qizhi: Of course, smart people should enjoy their own happiness.

Soldier: You are so clever. Did you eat today?

Qizhi: I am so smart that my whole family likes me.

Private: Trust the recommendation of celebrities.

Qizhi: Eat smart and have fun. He's fine, so am I.

Soldier: Youth has not failed.

Qizhi: You are so smart, show it. How's it going?

Private: Not bad, not bad. Now, the famous comedian Yang Guai will tell you a tongue twister.

Qizhi: Say a tongue twister.

Soldier: Every sentence should be full of wisdom. How's it going?

Qizhi: It is not easy to earn 40,000 yuan.

Private: Yes.

Qizhi: It is said that there is a Lama from the south.

Private: Oh?

Qizhi: Five catties in hand is very clever. There is a mute in the north, and everything else in his waist is clever. A Lama who is happy with his cleverness should exchange his cleverness for that of a mute who is happy with his cleverness. Don't be a smart and happy mute, and don't want to trade smart and happy for a smart and happy Lama. Holding the Lama who was happy for his cleverness, he swung his cleverness and hit the mute who was unhappy for his cleverness. The mute said.

Soldier: The mute said?

Qizhi: I said that the dumb wanted to say it, but I couldn't say it. The mute thought, you are also smart and happy, and I am also smart and happy. What are we going to change? Have some 250. Eat more wisely and kill yourself.

Private: Great, great. Next, I will tell you a section of Shandong Express Book.

Qizhi: Come on, Shandong Express? Don't spoil art, you. Ah, a crosstalk performer will do this advertisement for you?

Soldier: So, so, I won't let you talk this time.

Qizhi: Don't let me talk?

Soldier: In case you get angry.

Qizhi: Then tell me.

Soldier: I'll take a picture of you.

Qizhi: Take a picture?

Soldier: From now on, you are the image spokesman of intelligence and happiness.

Qizhi: I am the image ambassador.

Soldier: OK, I have thought of this slogan in the photo.

Qizhi: What slogan?