"Hello! Your son is here, trade yourself for him if you don't want us to tear up the ticket!"
The hundred-dollar bill thinks for a moment and says:
"Tear it up, you won't even have 5 bucks if you do!"
2. A man was about to starve to death in the desert when he picked up the lamp of God.
The lamp: "I can only grant you one wish, say it quickly, I'm in a hurry."
Man: "I want a wife ......"
The divine lamp immediately changed into a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "Are almost starving to death and still greedy for beauty! Pathetic!" After saying that, it disappeared.
Man: "...... Cake."
3, the earthworm family this day is very boring, the little earthworm cut himself into two sections to play badminton went,
the earthworm mother think this method is good, cut himself into four sections to play mahjong went,
the earthworm father thought about it, then cut himself into minced meat.
Mom earthworm cried, "Why are you so stupid? You'll die if you chop it up so much!"
Dad Earthworm said weakly, "...... Suddenly I want to play soccer."
4. The panda man wanted to QJ the panda woman, but the panda woman fought back and refused to obey.
The panda man failed and said indignantly, "We are almost extinct yeah!"
5, the tortoise and the hare race ...... The hare quickly ran ahead ......
The tortoise saw a snail crawling very, very slowly ...... Said to him:Come up here, I'll carry you on my back ......
Then ...... The snail came up ......
After a while ...... The turtle saw another ant ...... And said to him:You come up too ......
So the ant came up too.
After the ant came up ...... Saw the snail above ...... and said to him:Hello
Do you know what the snail said?
The snail said: hold on tight, this turtle is fast .......
6. There was a man and a woman having dinner
The girl kept asking the boy: Do you love me?
The boy looked at the girl and went back to eating his dinner
The girl got angry and asked again: do you love me?
The boy finally said, "Yes."
The girl asked again, "How are you going to prove it?
Suddenly the boy took thirty dollars out of his pocket,
and asked the girl: do you have ten dollars?
The girl took ten dollars and gave it to the boy. ......
The boy put forty dollars on the table
After a while .....
The girl was very angry and asked the boy: do you want to prove that you love me or not!
The boy said: I have already proved it! Forty in front of the eyes! （
The boy said, "I've proved it!)
7, one day shopping snack street
found a store selling egg tarts
every kind of look very delicious, want to buy a to try
I asked the clerk: this is a single-sale?
The clerk said: "No, it's Japanese.
8. One day, a family was on fire,
Mom and dad escaped, leaving only one son still inside.
Mom was very nervous and shouted outside the house:
"Son ..... What are you doing ...... There's a fire and you're not coming out ......"
The son replied, "I'm putting on my socks. ....."
The mom added, "Why are you wearing socks when there's a fire ...."
After five minutes, her son hadn't come out ......
Mom shouted nervously again, "Son, what the hell are you doing? Come out now~ It's on fire and you're still in there ....."
Son said, "I'm taking off my socks ah ........"
9, there is a man to the river fishing
First put on a leaf ~ half a day no fish on the hook, he changed a piece of bread ~ the same half a day no fish on the hook ~
No way he had to go to change the earthworms ~ the same half a day or no fish on the hook ~ ~
His anger ~ took out 100 rmb and fell into the water cursing:
"*-%#% what to eat! Get it yourself ！！！！"
10, A German, Frenchman, & a Japanese man are going to work in a mine.
The boss, an American, says to the German, "You're in good shape, you're in charge of the hard labor.
To the Frenchman, he said, "You say you're an engineer, you're in charge of planning the mine.
And to the Japanese he said: you are small. You are in charge of supplies.
Then every other week, they start working.
A few days later the Germans and the French realized that the Japanese had disappeared, and after looking for them for a long time they decided to go back to work.
As the Germans began to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:
"Surprise!"
11. "I can't see too far," the patient told the ophthalmologist.
"Come with me, please," the doctor asked as he took the patient outside and pointed his finger at the sun in the sky, "What do you see there?"
"The sun." The patient replied.
"Well, how much farther do you want to look!"
12.One day the animals smelled a very bad odor in front of the temple of Guan Gong.
The snake said, "I wouldn't fart so stinky if I were so small, it must be a cow.
The cow said, "I'm a grass eater and I don't fart that bad.
The pig said: The person who farted must have blushed.
Suddenly Guan Gong rushed out and knocked the pig off its feet and said: How many times have I told you, I was born blushing.
13, a man ran into God one day ......
God suddenly had a great deal of goodwill and intended to give the man a wish ......
God asked ......
Do you have a wish ......
The man thought about it ......
I heard that cats have 9 lives ......
So please give me 9 lives ......
God said ......
Your wish comes true......
One day the man was bored ......
Thinking about dying ......
There are 9 lives anyway
So he laid down on the railroad tracks ......
And a train went by ......
The man died anyway ......
Why is this?
Because that train had 10 cars ......
14. One day, the funeral parlor brought in three people, and strangely enough, they died with smiles on their faces ^_^......
The funeral home administrator was very puzzled to ask pol.ice: why their faces after death is surprisingly ^_^ it?
pol.ice said: this ...... It's a long story ...... Look at the guy on the left ...... He was with her wife in the *** spend the night ...... In the most passionate moment ...... Can't stand it ...... hung up
The administrator then replied: alas ...... May I die under the flowers ...... To be a ghost is also a good flow of ...... Then how did the one in the middle die?
pol.office: the middle one oh ...... He ah...... What a tragedy ...... He was walking down the road ...... Suddenly he heard that he had won the jackpot ...... The prize money is more than 700 million dollars...
When he was laughing happily ....... But he was hit by an oncoming car ...... As a result ...... hung up ......
The administrator replied: alas ...... He really is not blessed to enjoy this glory and wealth for the rest of his life ...... What about the rest of this one?
pol.office: ...... This one died a bit pitifully ...... He was struck by lightning while climbing up a tree
The administrator replied: ...... That's a bit wrong, why would he still be smiling after being struck by lightning ......
Pol.office said: because after he climbed the tree he thought ..... Suddenly a flash of lightning ......
He thought ...... Someone was taking his picture ......
15, said thousands of years ago, whether male or female dogs, they urinate with squatting.
It wasn't until the Tang Dynasty that things shifted ......
Everyone has heard of Emperor Tang Taizong! His old man had a pair of Pekingese dogs, once Tang Taizong went up to Huashan to sacrifice to the sky, and brought this pair to ......
Halfway through the sacrifice, the female dog suddenly had an internal emergency, so she ran behind a tree to solve it,
This is very disrespectful behavior when sacrificing to the sky, and thus annoyed the Jade Emperor,
The Jade Emperor ordered the Thunderer to struck a thunderbolt, which happened to hit the tree, the tree fell down and crushed the female dog to death, the male dog was very scared to see it ......
From then on, every time the male dog peed under the tree, he would stretch out one foot and push it hard against the tree,
so as not to let the tree fall down and crush himself... ...:
There are two types of people I hate, 1 racist, 2 black people, and 3 people who can't read!
The ghosts came into the village, arrested Liu Hulan and asked her:
Say! Who is a member of the ****production party!
Liu Hulan said righteously:
My uncle (on) is a member of the ****production party! My uncle (on) is a member of the **** production party!
And so, the hero was born~
Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid.
The squid begged him, "Let me go, don't roast me for dinner.
The man said, "Okay, then let me torture you with a few questions.
The squid was happy and said, "Go ahead and torture me!
Then the man grilled the squid...
111.A man went to the river to fish ..........
First put on a leaf ~ half a day no fish on the hook, he changed a piece of bread ~ the same half a day no fish on the hook ~
No way he had to go to change the worm ~ the same still half a day no fish on the hook ~ ~
His exasperation ~ pulled out 100rmb ~ ~ fell into the water ~ ~
"tnnd ~ ~ to eat what! Get it yourself ！！！！"
112.One day, Mr. Wang drove home.
Suddenly, a Mercedes-Benz raced past him, and as it drove past him, the driver shouted at him:
"Dude, have you ever driven a Mercedes-Benz?" The driver shouted at him:
"Dude, have you ever driven a Datsun?" He said, "Whoosh," and drove away.
Mr. Wang was furious and accelerated to catch up.
When he was about to catch up, the driver stuck his head out and yelled at him again:
"Dude, have you ever driven a Mercedes?" And then, whoosh, he was gone again.
"Shit, bull B what!" Mr. Wang cursed after the heart a little more comfortable, so no longer chasing.
And drove for a while,
Mr. Wang saw just in that big Ben overturned on the side of the road, he was very curious, and slowly drove closer.
Only to see that the driver was crushed under the car, breathless, said:
"Buddy, have you ever driven a Grand Prix? Know where its brakes are?"
113.I used to have schizophrenia, but now we've recovered ~~~~~~~~
114.A foreign student took a driving test in the U.S., and when the signposts ahead prompted him to turn left, he wasn't quite sure, and asked the examiner:
"Turn left?"
Answer: "right"
So ...... hung up...
115.One day green beans committed suicide by jumping down from the 5th floor, bleeding a lot, and turned into red beans; kept bleeding pus, and turned into yellow beans; the wound scarred, and finally became black beans.
116.Xiaoming got a haircut and came to school the next day. When his classmates saw his new hairstyle, they laughed and said, "Xiaoming, your head shape looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt so aggrieved that he ran outside and cried. Crying ~ he flew up ............
117.There is a man who looks like an onion, walking and crying .......
118.The little penguin asked his grandmother one day, "Grandma grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin then asked his dad, "Daddy daddy, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong?" "But, but why do I feel so cold?"
119.A pair of corn fell in love...
So they decided to get married...
On the day of the wedding...
One of the corn couldn't find the other one...
This corn then asked Popcorn beside him: have you seen our corn?
Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress .......
120. In music class, the teacher played a piece by Beethoven
Small Ming asked Xiaohua: "Do you know music?"
Siao Hua: "Yes"
Siao Ming: "Then do you know what the teacher is playing?"
Siao Hua: "The piano."
121.Two people fell into a trap.The dead one is called a dead man.What is the living one called?
A:Call for help!
122.Someone who looks like a sweet potato, walking and falling ......
123.Question: what are cloth and paper afraid of?
Answer: cloth is afraid of 10,000, paper is afraid of one thing.
Reason: not (cloth) afraid of ten thousand, only (paper) afraid of what if.
124.One day there was a mother-in-law in a car...
Sitting in the middle of the car, the mother-in-law did not recognize the road ....
The granny hit the driver's ass with a stick and said: where is this?
Driver: this is my ass .....
125.An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, and it turned into a tea egg; an egg ran to the Songhua River to swim, and it turned into a pine egg; an egg ran to Shandong, and it turned into a Lu (brine) egg; an egg was homeless, and it turned into a wild egg; an egg accidentally fell down on the road, and fell on the ground, and it turned into a missile; an egg ran into someone's yard, and it turned into an atomic bomb; an egg ran to the Tibetan Plateau, and it turned into a hydrogen bomb; an egg got sick, and it turned into a bad egg; an egg married a man, and it turned into an asshole; an egg ran to the river to swim, and it turned into a nuclear bomb; an egg ran to the flowers, and it turned into a flower girl; an egg rode a horse and held a knife, and it turned out that he was a saber and a horseman; An egg is female, long and ugly, it turned out to be a dinosaur egg; an egg is male, his wife is outside and other eggs adultery, the result that he became a son of a bitch; an egg ......
126.The host asked: whether the cat will climb the tree? The eagle snaps: yes! Moderator: Give me an example! Eagle with tears: that year, I was asleep, the cat climbed the tree ... later there was an owl ...
127.two shit shell roaches discuss welfare lottery, A said: I want to win the jackpot will be a 50-mile radius of the toilets are to buy, every day to eat enough! B said: you are too vulgar! If I hit the jackpot, I will pack a living person, eat fresh every day!
128.why the chicken cross the street
Answer to get another side
129.Teacher: "You're finally here! Why didn't you come to class yesterday?"
Student: "Because... Because, my mom fell down the stairs..."
Teacher: "Wow! I see, mom got hurt so you didn't come."
Student: "No...it was my dad who got hurt..."
Teacher: "Why did your mom fall down the stairs and your dad get hurt?"
Student: "Because... My dad has a woman outside..."
Teacher: "What? ... What does that have to do with your mom falling down the stairs?"
Student: "Because they were fighting... My mom fell all right my dad got hurt by my mom."
Teacher: "Wow... So because you took your dad to the hospital you didn't come to class?"
Student: "No... It was the woman outside who drove my dad there."
Teacher: "Then why didn't you come to class?"
Student: "Because I overslept..."
Teacher: "What does that have to do with your mom falling down the stairs!?"
Student: "No, I...I just mentioned it in passing..."
130.A gloomy late night ........
A group of girls' school students were playing Ouija board in their dormitory, when suddenly
they couldn't stop screaming!!!!
The upstairs sister rushed into their dormitory room
and saw the saucers on their desks spinning around at breakneck speed
Surprisingly fast, and horrifyingly fast
"Oh no! What have you done?"
The older sister asked, realizing something was wrong
"Allah..." the younger sisters said
"Allah was just asking how fast it could spin...? "
131.A: What's that guy doing?
B: He's shaking.
A: Why is he shaking?
B: He's cold.
A: Oh, so he's not cold if he's shivering.
A: ......
132.There was a Mr. Banana who was on a date with his girlfriend and was walking down the street, it was very hot, so Mr. Banana took his clothes off, and after that his girlfriend fell down ...... ...
133.A sausage was locked in the refrigerator
feeling cold, then looked at another one beside him, with some comfort, and said, "Look at you are frozen like this, all over the ice!" Turns out that one said, "Sorry, I'm a popsicle."
134.Once upon a time there was a marshmallow went to the ball played a long time. He said:I'm so tired,I feel like my whole body has gone limp ..........
135.This diver had a very difficult maneuver,he did a spinning triple take a front flip three and a half weeks take a back flip for a month.
136.One day, Zorro went to his mistress's house for a rendezvous with her. The mistress asked Zorro, "What if my husband comes back?
"Zorro said, "It's all right, if your husband comes back, I'll jump out of the window, and my horse will be down there to catch me. "
The mistress said, "If I hear three knocks on the door, my husband is back.
Zorro said, I know. After a while, it was raining. Suddenly there were three knocks on the door. Said is late, that is fast, Zorro from the bed to leap down, a turn of the eye, has jumped out of the window. The mistress, seeing that Zoro was gone, went to open the door.
Only to see a horse standing in front of the door, he said to her, "Tell Zorro that it's raining outside, and that I'll wait for him in the hallway."
137.Once upon a time there was a man named Cai who was put up all night, rancid ~~~~~~
138. There was a man who opened up like an airplane, walked and flew
There was a man who opened up like a chocolate, walked and was eaten
There was a man who opened up like a light bulb, walked and lighted
There was a man who opened up like a small flower, walked and was
There is a man called Coke, walking and being drunk
139.MM looking for college lost. Met a well-mannered professor.
MM: Excuse me, how can I get to the university?
Professor: You can only go to college if you study hard.
140.Every time I look at you wearing stockings ......
I have an unspeakable feeling in my heart,
that ......
the radish is also wrapped in plastic wrap!!!!!
141.man: I really love you, please be my girlfriend!!!!
Female: But I don't have any feelings for you at all!
Male: Well, tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change it!!!!
Female: Then you first tell me which point I am good, I change!!!!
142. The director and the section chief **** ride the elevator, the director of a fart to the section chief said: you farted! The chief said: not I put
... Soon the chief was removed from office, the Secretary said at the meeting: you can't afford the fart, what do you want?
143. In fact, the Olympic mascot should be designed as a "million heroes across the river", a **** a million, in different forms, to buy one time you have to buy a million, less one will lose the value of the collection, earning over ......
< p>144.Miss: Now business is not good ah!
Boss: Why?
Miss: "bird flu ....."
145.A woman encountered robbers trembling said: "I am XX, just graduated, work have not found, really no money ......"
The robbers even cried bitterly after listening to the "sister, I also is XX's, you take a good student ID, the front of the robbery or XX's, you can rest assured that Allah will never rob their own people!"
145 of XX can be freely substituted for the name of their own school or unit .............
146.Ask the cafeteria: it's cold, eat what is more helpful to keep warm?
Answer: Eat some cotton to help keep warm~~~~~~~
147. want to ML with his girlfriend, girlfriend said not bathing can not, promised cold days can wash "partial", wash, girlfriend extremely shy: "Dear, you good lazy yo, with which wash which ......" I heard fainted, I just brushed a tooth ah ~ ~ ~ ~ (huge hidden cold joke)
PS: minors please automatically skip this joke ......... .....
148.A blind beggar wearing sunglasses was begging on the street.
A drunk man approached him and felt sorry for him, so he threw him a hundred dollars.
After walking for a while, the drunkard turned around and happened to see the blind man looking into the sun to distinguish the authenticity of the hundred-dollar bill.
The drunkard came over and took back the money, saying, "You don't want to live, how dare you cheat me!"
The blind beggar said with an aggrieved face, "Big brother, really sorry ah, I am for a friend here to see, he is a blind man, went to the toilet, in fact, I am a mute."
"Oh, it's like this," so the drunk threw down the money and staggered away again ......
149.Bird flu - all the "sky sh*t"!!!!
There are two kinds of people who have a very high chance of getting bird flu - 1. "animals" ;2. "beastly" people ... ....
150.make a scene, make a scene again and I'll send you to the school hospital!!!!
151.GDP grows as fast as a beard, and wages grow as slow as eyebrows!
152.A: Hey, how did you learn to smoke?
B: I've been doing it since Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit~
C: Do you know why Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit?
AB: I don't know!
C: Because Adam didn't have a cigarette! (Hint: Harmonize a word)
153.A person who has just been dumped by his girlfriend, happened to bump into his ex-girlfriend flirting with her new lover on the street, the more he saw, the more angry he got, and he wanted to humiliate them a little. So he politely went up to say hello and said to his girlfriend's new lover with contempt, "You don't mind my used old stuff!" Just when he was pleased with his creativity, his ex-girlfriend burst out laughing and said, "An inch of the outside is old, the inside is all brand new!"
154.In such a season, can you be my bird flu?
155.Warmly celebrate our school cafeteria year-end rebate promotional action!
I only got the participation prize -- 50-cent coins, but they were found in the dishes!
156.Used college high math textbook for sale, 90% new, with transcript to prove it!
157.When we broke up, she gave me a kiss, the feeling - as if the People's Daily as real ......
158.Just watched the elder sister's computer screen at the top of a thing like a news scroll bar, the text on it went by very fast.
Even curious to ask: this is the lyrics?
Sister: Yes!
Sister: How did it go by so fast? I didn't even see it!
Sister: Jay Chou's!
159. There is a person who looks like a phone, walking around to be hit...
There is a person who looks like intelnet, walking around to be on the...
There is a person who looks like dumplings, walking around to be wrapped up...
160. Wife: I am really blind to step on the dog shit to marry you.
Husband: I am really blind to step on dog shit to marry you.
Shit: I'm so unlucky! I'm so unlucky to have been stepped on by both of you while I was lying there. ......
161.One day I went to the snack street...
I found a store selling egg tarts...
Every kind of egg tart looked very tasty, so I wanted to buy one and try it out...
I asked the clerk, "Is this a one-size-fits-all kind of tart"
Clerk. "No, it's Japanese" ~~~~~~
162.Chemistry question: A and B can be transformed into each other, B can be formed into C in boiling water, C oxidized into D in air, D has the smell of rotten eggs, ask what is A, B, C, D each?
I replied: A is chicken, B is raw egg, C is cooked egg, D is rotten egg of course!
163.Which is the worst rubber, tiger skin or lion skin?
A: Eraser.
Because of the eraser (poor eraser).
164.Q:What is 3 heads and one foot
Answer:3 heads and one foot monster ！！！！！！
165.When an ant goes to the desert, why does it leave no footprints of him in the sand, but only a line?
Answer: because he was riding a bicycle!
The ant went home from the desert, he didn't inform anyone, but his family knew he was back! Why!
Answer: saw his bike parked downstairs .......
166.One day a female drug offender was arrested at the police station, the police saw that she had a tattoo on her hand and asked her why you tattooed your boyfriend's name on your hand, his name is Xiaoliang isn't it...ah... Isn't it. Speak up! Speak up! Did he take drugs? .... Speak up
Only the female drug addict raised her head with angry eyes
and said
to the police
.
.
.
.
.
.
This is hate la ....
This story tells Allah ...... better not gain any weight after the tattoo -_-!!!!!
167.A bun was walking on the road, he was hungry, so he went to eat, and then he became a bun.
A bun eats too much food and gets diarrhea, then he becomes a bun.
A bun was walking down the road, got into a car accident, and he turned into a cookie.
A bun walks down the road, gets into a car accident, and becomes a sandwich cookie...
168. Da Ming's wife is about to give birth
Da Ming waits anxiously outside the maternity ward
Suddenly, Da Ming hears a "wow"
After that, a nurse came out holding his baby
Daoming hurriedly asked if it was a boy or a girl
The nurse said, "Guess."
"A boy?"
"Nope."
"Female?"
"You're so smart, you guessed it in two."
169.One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend drove out for a drive,
The car was running out of gas, and there was a gas station right next to it, and when they drove past it, there was a sudden gust of wind that blew her boyfriend's hat away.
Small America's boyfriend said to her,
"I'm going to go pick up my hat, and you can help me get gas.
The boyfriend had just run off when he heard Xiao Mei shouting behind him:
"Come on! Come on!"
170.When a woman applied for a career, her boss asked, "How many children do you have?"
She replied, "Five."
The boss asked, "What are their names?"
She replied, "Hiu Ming, Hiu Ming, Hiu Ming, Hiu Ming, Hiu Ming."
The boss asked, "They're all called Xiaoming, so what do you do when you want to call them for dinner?"
She said, "That's easy, all I have to do is call Xiaoming and they will all come."
The boss asked again, "But what if all you have to do is call a specific child?"
She said, "That's even easier, I just call him by his last name."
171.He was in a car accident and the car hit him in the head.
He was in a coma for two days and finally woke up.
When he opened his eyes, his wife was beside him.
He held his wife's hand and said at length,
"When I was a college student, I used to take make-up exams, and at that time, it was you who was by my side."
"When I failed all my interviews, you were by my side cutting out job ads for me to apply for ......
And when I finally got to be in charge of a very important contract, and I messed it up because of a small mistake, it was still you who was by my side."
"Then after I was unemployed for a while I got a job again, but never got promoted and my efforts weren't recognized
So I'm in the same position I was in when I first started at the company, and you're still by my side ......"
The wife's eyes glistened with tears as she listened to his confession.
"Now that I've been in a car accident, when I wake up and realize you're still by my side, there's something I must tell you ......"
Coming close to the bedside and hugging her husband, she was moved to sob. Then the husband said:
I think ...... it's all because you brought me down ......"