It is said that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the most difficult in the world
In this relationship, for a man, his mother and wife are both women he deeply loves.
But for the mother-child relationship, the daughter-in-law is a third party, and the mother-in-law is most afraid of her son's "marrying the daughter-in-law and forgetting the mother", and only listens to the daughter-in-law's pillow breeze without filial piety; For the relationship between husband and wife, the mother-in-law is a third party, and the wife is most afraid that her husband is a weak "mother-in-law". She only knows how to listen to her mother without any man's responsibility.
Some women are vulnerable and sensitive because they are "outsiders", and they are prone to feel bullied. In order to take care of their sons in big cities, some old people have left their homes and become "old drifters", and they will feel lonely under the walls.
In reality, there are many contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law At the same time, many mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have good relations, and some are even better than mother and daughter.
In modern society, young people work hard outside, and they are unwilling to give up their jobs when they have children. If you hire a nanny, it will not only cost a lot of money, but also make people feel uneasy. So the best choice is to ask the elderly to help with the children and do housework. Old people who live with their children can also be taken care of by their children, and once they have minor physical problems, they can also seek medical treatment in time. Therefore, if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along well, for a family relationship, they can solve the problems of child-rearing and old-age care at the same time and save money.
But a good mother-in-law relationship requires a mother-in-law, a daughter-in-law and a man in the middle. All three people have the subjective will to maintain good family relations, and are willing to work hard to solve problems and make changes for their loved ones.
Of course, there are no general methods and rules.
Starting from today, I intend to share some experiences with my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law through articles, and those who are interested can also comment and exchange.
Let's talk about the first content today: the sense of boundaries.
Every animal in nature has its own territory. In real life, everyone has their own living space, living space and psychological space.
A sense of boundaries means keeping a proper distance from others and not interfering in others' lives at will.
Although people who love each other will not be strangers, it is necessary for a family to live together and have a sense of boundaries.
In the Spring Festival Evening of 2020, there was an essay "Mother-in-law". Mother-in-law keeps onions at home and applies farmyard manure, which makes the living room stink. Once in a quarrel, the daughter-in-law broke off the onion raised by her mother-in-law, and her mother-in-law broke off her daughter-in-law's lipstick one by one. Through the screen, I felt the distress in the hearts of both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
In fact, it is normal for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to have different hobbies because of different living habits. Daughter-in-law spends her own money on lipstick. Although my mother-in-law doesn't like it, she can't go against it. Mother-in-law likes to raise onions, and daughter-in-law can't cut them off or throw them away without applying farmyard manure and interfering with others.
My friend's mother-in-law loves neatness. She saw her daughter-in-law's room in a mess and helped clean it up. As a result, her friend felt particularly uncomfortable and blamed her mother-in-law for messing with her things. This is the conflict caused by the mother-in-law crossing the border.
In our family, there are public goods and private goods. Public goods placed in the living room, kitchen and bathroom are used by everyone; And everyone's personal belongings are in the bedroom, wardrobe and other places, and others will not move.
Especially a family of six people in three generations. Everyone has their own personal belongings, such as clothes, daily necessities and favorite components. A big principle is to respect each other, mind your own business and don't follow other people's things. When you see other people's things in public space and need to move them, you should first ask their opinions.
The balcony is the most prone to conflict in my home. Because of the small space at home, the children's playroom and laundry room are placed on the balcony. Erbao often leaves toys all over the floor when playing, which prevents grandma from washing clothes and drying them. Grandma had no choice but to kick their toys aside and clear a way, but moving their toys made Dabao feel offended.
Drawing this lesson, we believe that the next time we buy a house and decorate it, we must plan everyone's space and reduce contradictions.
An important reason for the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the different concept of parenting. For example, if children don't eat, should they chase after them? The child cried for a snack. Do you want to buy it for him? "There is a kind of cold that makes grandma feel cold." Grandma is afraid that the child will be cold. Dress the child too much. What should she do?
When Dabao was two or three years old, my mother-in-law and I argued many times about whether to breast-feed our children.
I hope to train my child to eat by himself, and I won't feed him as long as I can eat by myself.
The mother-in-law is worried that the children will eat slowly and eat less. She was afraid that cold food would be bad for the child's stomach, so she tried her best to feed the child.
However, feeding will deprive children of the fun of eating by themselves, make them unwilling to eat, and is not conducive to cultivating their practical ability.
As a result, every meal is like a war.
Later, we slowly reached a tacit understanding: mother-in-law wanted to feed. Dabao is mainly brought by her, and she should also respect her feelings and practices. Although I don't like it, I can't do it for you.
Similarly, the same is true of dressing. I sometimes feel that I wear too much. Give me a hint. But it won't interfere too much, because children who wear less clothes will catch a cold, and the consequences will be borne by their mother-in-law (Dabao sleeps with grandma and Bao Xiao sleeps with us).
Now that Dabao has grown up, he has his own feelings about how many clothes he wears and how hot and cold he is. I don't have to worry.
So basically: whoever does more will have the right to speak. If you have a problem with your mother-in-law's practice of raising children, you can raise them gently, or you can persuade her to adjust them with scientific knowledge and advice from parenting experts.
If the other party has not adjusted, it can be divided into two situations. If there is no obvious harm, accept the reality and allow the mother-in-law to take care of the children in the way she thinks is right. If you think the consequences are more serious, take care of the children yourself.
You know, parents are the first responsible person for raising children. On the road of children's growth, parents must bear their own responsibilities.
The old man is only here to help, and he can play a supporting role at most. And when we ask the elderly for help, of course, we have a better attitude and respect their ideas.
First of all, everyone has a share in housework. Some people are too busy and tired, while others have nothing to do.
Secondly, it is suggested to allocate housework reasonably according to the type of housework and everyone's interest and time. Then how to do this housework depends on the contractor.
For example, in my family, my mother-in-law cooks, sweeps the floor and washes clothes. On weekends, I am responsible for washing dishes, buying vegetables and washing range hoods. My father is responsible for taking out the garbage and buying rice, flour and grain.
I saw a friend complaining that her mother-in-law can't cook what she wants, but her husband can cook what she wants, and her heart is very unbalanced.
This kind of situation will not exist in our family. If you want to eat, buy the corresponding ingredients. Mother-in-law sometimes encounters dishes that are not often cooked, and even looks up recipes online to see how to cook them. Of course, before I buy food, I will also ask my mother-in-law and children's opinions: Do you have any special dishes to buy? What kind of food do you want to eat? What kind of fruit do you want to eat?
No matter how well my mother-in-law cooks, I will eat it. Even if it is not to my taste sometimes, I will think: It's nice to have someone to cook for me.
In fact, many conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are often not a question of right or wrong. No one is right or wrong. Many times, the competition may be psychological superiority and respect. Who has more status and voice at home, who has the final say at home.
But in fact, living at home, who wins and who loses, is always less important than family harmony. How can we take care of each other's needs and define a boundary? Public affairs should be discussed, personal affairs should be decided and taken care of by ourselves, and others should try not to interfere. You can help make suggestions, but you can't make decisions for others.
What do you want to say about the sense of boundaries at home? What's your problem with getting along with your mother-in-law? Welcome to leave a message for discussion.